How to Handle a Partners Jealousy When They're in Denial

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I've tried hitting report a couple of times now to get a mods attention. My girlfriend and I have previously always been open about stuff but I mentioned in passing in this thread something which she has since revealed she would rather keep private.

On this grounds my post crosses a boundary I hadn't known existed and I would like a mods assistance in removing the thread. Thanks in advance
 
Nobody knows your girlfriend here. I strongly suspect she is trying to prevent you from understanding what the issues are so you don't expect her to do anything to overcome them.

We have no idea who you are or where you are. This is simply another ploy for her to continue manipulating you. Wise up.
 
You wise up London, you say yourself you don't know her but you more than ANYONE have made snap judgements about her character. This is not a ploy by her, she doesn't even know of this thread and the bit which crosses a boundary is in the detail - however it's a detail I shouldn't have included.

Isn't hindsight wonderful?

I am also aware that nobody here knows me personally or her, even under my old username. But I've inadvertently included enough for some people to make an educated guess.

Now as for this threads usefulness I would say it has been hugely useful!! The person who mentioned about jealousy and fear being linked really helped. That proved a good discussion point the other day and I learnt more about what her fears are and how I can support her in them. She also realised that those scary thoughts she has in her head can sometimes come across as being projected in the form of jealousy.

We both made a huge amount of progress, which is what I was hoping for. Thank you to all of those who have been constructive. The rest of you could learn a thing or two from them
 
Yes, I'm absolutely desperate to learn how to enable a manipulator. It's what I want out of my relationships. I want to be with someone who ruins my chances of additional happiness with others despite knowing I'm poly, uses our D/s dynamic to manipulate me and also dismisses and belittles our relationship when they don't get their own way. Do I have to actually state that I'm being sarcastic here?

On rereading the Op, I see that you expect to control what she does sexually with Othery people based on some sort of sex negative beliefs you have so actually you two sound perfect for each other.
 
I'm not sure I agree with the idea of using D/s to cope with anxiety issues. That would require the DD to have a tremendous understanding of the full spectrum of both anxiety and the kink, and it seems to me that if the OP had that good an understanding of his gf's psychology, he wouldn't be here asking how to "make her" feel differently.

Combining D/s with CBT is a very dangerous road to go down, and not something to be even considered let alone attempted by anyone who lacks adequate education, mentorship, and experience.

First of all, they're already doing it. I'm saying be more purposeful about it. (I'm also trying to get him to fend off any topping from the bottom that may be occurring like london is being vocal about.)

Second, I told him not to tread where only an expert should and I reminded him of his duty to educate himself before acting.

Third, D/s can absolutely be a tool for dealing with deep-seeded personal issues. Yes, it can be done for mere physical reasons, but psychology can be just as integral.

Ultimately Im saying if it's appropriate, step up your control to reinforce healthy behaviors.
 
The person who mentioned about jealousy and fear being linked really helped. That proved a good discussion point the other day and I learnt more about what her fears are and how I can support her in them. She also realised that those scary thoughts she has in her head can sometimes come across as being projected in the form of jealousy.

Glad that you are talking and she is more able to articulate details. Hopefully you guys can keep sorting it out.

Galagirl
 
I'm glad you could help too. In a site overly infested with trolls it's nice to know there are still some nice people.

London, thank you for reminding me why I no longer post here. Many people have different definitions of what polyamory means for them and where their boundaries lie etc... In other words not everyone is working off the same ideals as you and not everyone wants to be policed by your troll brigade. In my girlfriends case her jealousy (fear) often stems from something which is beyond her control and often irrational.

That presents me with 2 options; I can either take a hard line, tell her she's in the wrong and use trolls like you to back up my side... Or I can help support her and build her as a person. Since I know it's not her fault I don't wish to blame her, since I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day
 
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I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day

There's nothing to gain by firing back like that. Use the ignore function, it has made my forum experience much more pleasant :)
 
I'm glad you could help too. In a site overly infested with trolls it's nice to know there are still some nice people.

London, thank you for reminding me why I no longer post here. Many people have different definitions of what polyamory means for them and where their boundaries lie etc... In other words not everyone is working off the same ideals as you and not everyone wants to be policed by your troll brigade. In my girlfriends case her jealousy (fear) often stems from something which is beyond her control and often irrational.

That presents me with 2 options; I can either take a hard line, tell her she's in the wrong and use trolls like you to back up my side... Or I can help support her and build her as a person. Since I know it's not her fault I don't wish to blame her, since I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day
Or you can tell her she's wrong and build her up as a person. Have you considered that?

Look, my autism gives me a ton of issues that I have to battle everyday to not let infringe on the rights of my loved ones. These issues make me prone to some really fucking appalling behaviour that mess up my relationships with everyone. The reasons I behave this way are for similar reasons to people with mental health conditions and personality disorders. In fact, that's how I was treated as a child minus the medication. Autism didn't come up until relatively recently.

Anyway, I learnt to stop this cycle by first halting the behaviour. I didn't understand why. That made it easy for my loved ones to support me in understanding why these behaviours were unreasonable and to develop tools that would mean I didn't need to behave in that way. I still fuck up. But I know when I've fucked up and more importantly, I know how to stop behaving that way even when the circumstances are triggering that response in me.

Do then feel. Let your feelings catch up to your actions. It's the only thing that continues to work for me out of all the schools of therapy I've ever had.

And Marcus is right. That sort of emotional outburst produces this feeling somewhere between hysterical amusement and extreme pity. Not unpleasant, more intriguing.
 
I've tried hitting report a couple of times now to get a mods attention. My girlfriend and I have previously always been open about stuff but I mentioned in passing in this thread something which she has since revealed she would rather keep private.

On this grounds my post crosses a boundary I hadn't known existed and I would like a mods assistance in removing the thread. Thanks in advance

Well, this came out of nowhere. And thank you for not deleting this post; it's good for others to see examples of poly relationships, functional or otherwise.

I'm curious why the OP is defending his girlfriend who is acting jealous and insecure, but he was the one who asked us all for help. If he doesn't want it anymore, let him be.

I'm not interested in helping someone feel sorry for themselves.
 
Making snap judgements about people is getting it wrong. On multiple times I have seen you attemp to police other peoples relationships by YOUR standards not theirs, by YOUR relationship dynamics not theirs and based on YOUR experiences not theirs.

Treat people as people even if you *meet* them online, rather than just attempting to attack their behaviour. My girlfriend has jealousy issues - yes - but I specifically said I was not looking for people telling me to leave her or attack her behaviour. I wanted to understand it, I want to help her and make our relationship stronger.

Galagirl DID help. She helped me understand jealousy by explaining the link between jealousy and fear. This also put it in a huge amount of context for me with respect to her anxiety and she also provided some references to further reading.

Mark this down as one of those times when you have messed up, accept that I have seen you do it before, try to think about how it has angered me and hurt my girlfriend (and others) in the past... Basically just learn from it. Adjust your behaviour and cut out the snap reactions.

Most importantly understand that everyone is here to share and learn more about themselves. This has the potential to be a fantastic resource for the community but if you ATTACK people for their behaviours when all they are doing is trying to learn from their behaviours then you do nobody any favours.

Because of your troll like actions specifically my girlfriend actually stopped using this site. Just think about that before you start typing
 
No, I'm sorry. This most certainly is not one of the times I've messed up. What I said about you enabling your girlfriend's unreasonable behaviour is absolutely true and I stand by it completely. Just because you don't like how I label her behaviour, the behaviour that you outlined, it does not give you the right to reframe what I've said as an attack. The only snap judgement I made was believing that there you were interested in her best interests. But now it's very obvious your intention is to maintain your own.
 
In a site overly infested with trolls it's nice to know there are still some nice people.

There actually aren't many trolls here at all. They show up but they never last long. What there is a lot of is people with strong opinions. Sometimes opinions clash and discussions get heated. But that doesn't make the person with the unpopular opinion or tactless delivery a "troll." It's your own fault if you can't control your emotions well enough that you allow them to get under your skin.

Just because london pisses you off doesn't make her a troll. She's been here way too long with way too much resolution for a troll. She interacts with the world in a way that a lot of people find abrasive. She argues in a style that many people find stubborn and frustrating. But she's honest about who she is and what she believes, and she doesn't try to manipulate people with guilt trips or resort to name calling. I don't always agree with her. Actually, I rarely do. But I respect her for standing up for her opinions and not backing down just because they're unpopular.
 
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Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening

No, it's not. Read the forum guidelines next time. Talk to those involved and get their permission before airing their dirty laundry on the internet.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1787 said:
• On Editing Posts •

Users have a 12-hour window for editing posts. Once that 12-hour time limit has passed, a user will not be able to correct or delete a post. Please carefully consider what gets posted, as it may become a permanent addition to the site's content.
 
We don't delete threads. We give people a very generous 12-hour window to edit or delete their own posts. After that, threads can be locked but usually only if they escalate into hostile arguments or violate guidelines in some way.

Personally, OP, I wouldn't worry about the info you posted. You used aliases to stay anonymous so no one will know who the thread is about. After a while, people will lose interest and stop posting. However, the name-calling and atttacking others whose opinions you dislike must stop.
 
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