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Old 08-28-2010, 04:48 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Default She not only got him to dump me, she may be ruining my reputation. What to do?

My much-loved boyfriend of two and a half years dumped me three months ago. The story behind that is as follows. He and I were already having some issues, had for months, and I was trying very hard to get our relationship back on track. I thought we were doing better. Then he told me a preposterous-sounding story about some unnamed person or people gossiping about us, in order to manipulate me into never talking about our relationship, even anonymously, in an online forum. His other girlfriend, who had once been a close friend of mine (until she alienated me by basically telling me that she was the more important of his two partners), objected to me doing such, because what I had done was post about how she was trying to get him to dump me in a forum I am very active in. Although I never named names or even IDs, I was accused of "dragging her name through the mud" and he pleaded with me to stop posting about her and about him. (By the way, he had ADMITTED to me that she wanted him to dump me.)

Anyway, I objected to the attempted manipulation of me, and told him that his story of gossip didn't ring true, especially when he refused to tell me who the perpetrators were. And then he told me another version of the story a couple of weeks later. And then yet another one a couple of weeks after that. At that point, my husband (who was getting pretty angry watching me get jerked around like that), and I both sat down with him, impressed upon him the fact that I needed honesty and transparency about what had really happened, if anything, that his credibility was shot to hell because his story kept changing, and, if he had made up the whole thing, I needed him to come clean, and I'd try to forgive him. Three days later he dumped me in an email, and cut off contact. I have been struggling a lot since with the pain and betrayal of the breakup, I even re-entered therapy over it.

I have moved on as much as I can, and I'm even dating someone new, which feels good. I still miss my ex every day of my life. He was my best friend too, probably the closest friendship I have ever had outside my husband. However, he has made it clear that he wants no contact, and I've respected that, mostly because I felt I had no choice anyway.

We move in some of the same social circles as my ex and his girlfriend, mostly because I introduced my ex and the girlfriend to MY friends and acquaintances, in happier times. The very DAY after he dumped me, she dragged him to a potluck dinner that I had already RSVPed to before he dumped me (they hadn't). It was very uncomfortable for me, but I showed up because I felt that it was enough that she had wrecked my relationship with him, she wasn't wrecking my social life too.

I noticed about a week ago that a mutual friend (not a close friend, just someone I know from poly social events) had unfriended me on Facebook. I have not seen or had any communication with this woman since my breakup. I emailed and asked her why she had unfriended me. She wrote back immediately, blamed a "Facebook glitch," and refriended me. I was a bit skeptical, but pretended to believe her.

My husband and I are throwing a big barbecue this Sunday. We invited a couple we know from a poly group, who are also friendly with my ex and his girlfriend. We have not seen these people since my breakup, and I have never discussed my relationships with either of them. They did not RSVP, even after being sent an Evite reminder. I noticed at this point that although I had the female in the couple as my Facebook friend, I did not have the man, so I initiated a friend request. He had always been very friendly and nice to me in person, and I've known both of them for a couple of years through the group. I wrote, asking if they were going to attend, and saying that I hoped they had a nice summer and we'd love to see them. He wrote back an incredibly cold response thanking me for the invite and saying that they weren't coming. AND he didn't friend me back either.

I can't be certain, but it is looking like my ex's girlfriend is trying to sabotage me socially. While it makes me think less of these people that they would even let their behavior be affected by the rantings of a jealous cowgirl, I still want to be able to go to local poly social events and be able to TALK to people who are not my close friends.

What can I do?

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 08-28-2010 at 07:55 PM.
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Old 08-28-2010, 05:44 PM
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I'm confused why you would now come to another forum and put your picture on it... and perhaps the same name and even say that stuff happened on another forum. I would think that you would want to be more anonymous this time around so as to get more private support.

As to your situation... there is really nothing that can be done other than to smile widely and ignore it all. You don't know for sure what is going on so just assume that nothing is and carry on. Coming across as paranoid is worse than coming across as unaware. Besides, if she is really trying to discredit you then she will look the fool eventually when she realizes you aren't responding to her drama creating moves. Don't play into high school games. They do nothing but irritate and keep you from enjoying life and those around you.

Enjoy your BBQ and embrace your defriending fb friend at the door when she comes in. She could of just tried to save face because she realized this woman is full of shit. So let her. If that isn't what happened and their really was a glitch, then you are home free... ya, taking her at face value is probably the best bet all around. No drama, no fuss... end of story.
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Old 08-28-2010, 05:57 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Default hmmm

I am not in the least ashamed of my behavior in the situation I am posting about. So why should I hide online? I don't date just one person at a time necessarily, and no one who is not already my close friend has any idea which partner I might be talking about. That was my position with my ex too. Unfortunately, he chose giving in to his other partner's paranoia and jealousy over his relationship with me. I have to live with that every day. I'm not going to start skulking online, it can't help me now anyway.
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:55 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Walk on. That is, go on with your life with the folks who want to be involved.

I think you're mistaking friendly acquaintances with friends, in this instance, and attaching far too much importance to what they do. Those folks with whom you only have occasional contact aren't usually friends--they are acquaintances. Getting worked up over folks you don't know very well not wanting contact seems to be a waste of energy.

Continue on with attending whatever groups and events you would have anyway. If your ex's gf is maligning you, it matters little, as most other folks likely won't pay much mind when it comes down to it. Once they're someplace where they spend time with you and figure out you're not an ogre, it's pretty much settled.

As for FB friending and all that--attempting to ready somebody else's mind is sheerest folly. If you want to know what somebody's thinking, ask. You can suspect the person isn't being truthful when answering, certainly, though acting on suspicion is likely to blow up in your face. Folks will out themselves for good or ill at some point, so simply accept what they say and act as if that is really the case.
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Old 08-28-2010, 07:35 PM
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Unfortunately, many people feel they need to take sides (even if they're not asked to) in these kinds of cases. I think it has something to do with their conception of what being a friend is all about. I've never really understood that. But, I have witnessed that dynamic play out on more cases than I care to remember. It is silly. It is high school drama. It is most useful to ignore it and move on.

When you are dealing with acquaintences, it is harder as they are often put in a very uncomfortable position by their friends. Essentially, they often feel like they have to risk their current friendship in order to maintain a loose acquaintence. Folks who aren't clear-eyed about what friendship means to them and what's acceptable or not have a hard time navigating through that (real or perceived) pressure. So, not only should you ignore it, it's also useful to cut those acquaintences some slack by not judging them harshly.
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Last edited by MindfulAgony; 08-28-2010 at 07:37 PM.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:16 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I agree with AutumnalTone: walk on.

Simply be above this sort of jr. high drama. Let ppl see you being friendly, interesting and engaging; then it will not matter what others may (or may not) say about you. Should an acquaintance bring up the subject of your xbf and his current gf, choose not to comment except to wish them peace and happiness. Discretion is a very attractive trait.
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Old 08-28-2010, 10:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
I am not in the least ashamed of my behavior in the situation I am posting about. So why should I hide online? I don't date just one person at a time necessarily, and no one who is not already my close friend has any idea which partner I might be talking about. That was my position with my ex too. Unfortunately, he chose giving in to his other partner's paranoia and jealousy over his relationship with me. I have to live with that every day. I'm not going to start skulking online, it can't help me now anyway.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that you do or should feel ashamed or do. If it came across as that then I apoligize. I was simply asking as I hide on line so as to remain anonomous. Trouble is that most people in my community know me on here now, sooooo, ya, isn't working

I didn't originally hide out of shame though, but out of a need to have some privacy around the questions I wanted to address. Privacy for me but also out of respect for the privacy of those involved in my life.

I guess I was interested in your thought process around that for you.

Anyway, carry on. Off topic, end of hyjack.
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Old 08-29-2010, 12:46 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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That's OK, redpepper. I guess I'm just a wee bit sensitive about the discretion issue. I was told repeatedly, for two months, that people we had all three met at an out-of-state social event (most of whom did not even know that I was dating him, or if they did, had no idea how many partners I might have had besides him), must ALL be gossiping about the three of us based on my one post on this other forum. AND I was told an ever-changing story about such. I now believe that E., his other partner, invented the whole thing to shut me up because I outed her as a lying, manipulative cowgirl by simply giving an honest account of what she said and did. But anyway. I'm not letting anyone shut me up ever again, poly is difficult and I have a right to seek advice from more experienced people if I need it.

Thanks to everyone for your insights and advice so far. A poly online buddy told me last night that if anyone listens to E. and gives me the cold shoulder based on what she might be saying about me, then they are even worse than she is and certainly not potential friend material anyway. I know this is right, but the prospect of going to one of my group events and having people refuse to talk to me is still a little daunting. I guess I'll just have to see how bad it is.

It also occurred to me last night that the guy who acted coldly to me in email might just be E's lover. I know she was after him a while back, just didn't think he went in for supersized BBWs with mustaches. But if he IS her lover now, then him being unfriendly to me makes more sense to me.
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Old 09-02-2010, 03:58 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
It also occurred to me last night that the guy who acted coldly to me in email might just be E's lover. I know she was after him a while back, just didn't think he went in for supersized BBWs with mustaches. But if he IS her lover now, then him being unfriendly to me makes more sense to me.
^^^Erm, the opposite of taking the high road???^^^
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Old 09-02-2010, 04:31 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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LOL. Well, she is one, and she does have one. Just statin' facts here.
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