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  #91  
Old 04-20-2015, 11:01 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Anniversary #4 with Dude

Take that Dan Savage - 4/5th of the way there! Not too many posts here since since the last anniversary - likely because the sailing has been smooth

Dude just got home from a big shopping trip getting us yummies for dinner (seafood buffet). He bought MrS cupcakes from the good bakery and everything!

Not too much going on on the "new relationships" front. Things with Lotus seem to be holding steady. Dude has a friend that might be verging on "more than" but, either way, it's all good (we all know and like her)
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #92  
Old 04-25-2015, 02:28 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Please send Dan Savage an invitation to your fifth anniversary next year!

And congratulations, I love your story here
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  #93  
Old 05-05-2015, 01:48 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Dude is at his "other" (i.e. not Lotus) GF's house. MrS is sleeping, and I am catching up here.

I wasn't going to mention it but I have been following (and sharing) Bluebird's story and Dude said something the other day that keeps pricking at me.

I had been kvetching about a post I read somewhere where someone "admitted" (or "boasted") that they were "high-maintenance". My initial response was, 'Well, if you know that about yourself, then ... change.'. Being "high-maintenance" is NOT a positive in my book... (Dude then volunteered that I was the "lowest-maintenance" girl he had ever met.)

Some days or weeks later I was talking about BB's handfasting plans. I was surprised by how excited I was for her - given that a.) I don't even know her IRL and b.) as much as I LOVED my wedding, the reasons behind it seem superfluous now (marriage was MY idea, that MrS went along with because I "needed" that affirmation at the time).

At some point in the conversation Dude said something along the lines of, "I would TOTALLY marry you." Aaaccckkk! Quick subject change ensued. #1.) I am already legally married, can't do that shit again (here, yet). #2.) I was SURE that he wasn't the "marrying" type. #3.) I'm past the point where I need "official" recognition of my relationships. #4.) (and the REAL question) Is he at the point where he desires public (or at least familial) recognition of our relationship?

I do recall a few instances where he felt his behaviour was constrained due to the fact that we are not "out" to our families. ("Will I ever be able to kiss you goodbye in front of them?") And recall that my friend (SLL in my blog) suggested that introducing him as "our roommate" downgraded his importance in my life and made him feel rejected.

Our (mine and MrS's - he is estranged from his own) families know that he lives with us and we consider him "family". That is enough for ME - even though we only live an hour or so from them we only see them a few times a year. They welcome him to "family" gatherings. My mother bakes him birthday cookies. We get Christmas cards addressed to all three of us. I am sure that they know/suspect more but are too polite to press it. My family know/have met Lotus as "Dude's girlfriend" - and I have let it slip (because I am terrible at secrets) that she also has a husband/roommate.

We are "in the closet" due to my profession. In general, I don't give a flying fuck what people think. I don't think that my or MrS's immediate family would have MAJOR issues (since I suspect they already know and are just being polite by not asking questions).

Yes, I should discuss this with Dude (and MrS). But, I don't want to. I am very, very happy with where things are.

(Fine, I am a selfish, bad, person - I accept that.)

Aaarrrggghhh.
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #94  
Old 05-05-2015, 09:43 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sounds like there's two issues here ...
  • coming out to more people,
  • having a handfasting/commitment ceremony.
What will you do?
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  #95  
Old 05-06-2015, 12:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
What will you do?
Honestly, probably nothing - unless Dude feels strongly about it enough to ask for a REAL discussion, or family asks a direct question (unlikely). I'm more an "actions" than "words" kind of girl. (Despite my relative verbosity on these forums.)

We did just open a "family" checking account at a local bank with all three names on it. For me that is an act of trust and commitment. (I am very particular about our finances).
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #96  
Old 05-06-2015, 12:36 AM
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That works.
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  #97  
Old 05-17-2015, 06:34 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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OK. There is a new girl in the picture, JennyL. She knows all of us, she knows the situation, she is now involved with Dude. We all like her, she is sweet and lovely and compassionate.

BUT...she is mono (or at least a poly-virgin). So I experienced some "flip-side" feelings this weekend. I'm fine but maybe concerned?

So, usually Dude is the most PDA-prone of all of us. Generally I am the one that limits that based on place and people (as I am the one that has the "morality clause" sensitive job). So yesterday - he had been at her house for 24+ hours getting ready for an event, she has teenage+ kids that live with her, he was sleep-deprived....

MrS and I went over to her house as planned. I told him (Dude) that I had missed him (which is unusual for me), he admitted that he had been too busy to miss me (which is fine, but unusual for him - he generally whines that he misses me when I have been at work or he has been sleeping).

At one point in the afternoon, we were in a public place that afforded the opportunity for some private interaction. I specifically requested some "attention" (i.e. kissing) from BOTH of them when we came to that place. They both seemed to agree but when we got there MrS was on board and Dude just kept walking. (Don't worry, I rewarded MrS for his "attention".)

I took that as a cue ...and, paid attention?, for the rest of the day. Any time that would, usually, have been an opportunity for Dude to, discretely, molest me...nope. Chaste kisses only. etc.

So. Until I have the opportunity to talk to him (he is still at JennyL's) - I will assume: a.) he was exhausted, b-1.) he and JennyL have NOT had the opportunity to discuss how their/our relationship is conducted in front of her not-small kids OR b-2.) they HAVE had that conversation and he has not had the opportunity to relay it to me.

I am assiduously trying to avoid thinking about c.) he has found a single mono girl and doesn't need me anymore - "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish (sex)" - Douglass Adams reference. (Which, to be honest, is the outcome that I expected from the very beginning.)
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #98  
Old 05-17-2015, 07:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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That kind of sucks.
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  #99  
Old 05-17-2015, 08:43 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Damn. Shit. Fuck.

OK. Immediately after that last post I broke down and txt'd him: "FYI. I'm having feelings and would like reassurance at some point."

No reply. Of COURSE there is no reply - Dude manages to check his phone about once every 2 days. It means NOTHING. So? My stupid GAD self has now managed to work myself into a giant anxiety attack out of proportion to ANYTHING that has been done or said (or NOT done, NOT said).

MrS is sleeping. I will NOT wake him up to hold me and help me deal with my STUPID anxiety. That would NOT be fair to him. (And he will tell me later that I should have, that is part of his job, because he loves me, etc - but I am too obnoxiously stubborn to do it.) I know what would happen - he would blow up Dude's phone and tell him he needs to come home NOW and hold me. It would work - we've been through this once before (in 4 years).

Damn. Shit. Fuck. I HATE having anxiety. I HATE HATE HATE it! I know that even if "C" is the reality that I will be fine. My MrS loves me no matter what. I am a strong woman and NOT defined by the men who love me. I AM. (but not now).

I COULD txt Dude again - it has been 2 hours. "See above." But, I won't. Maybe. Unless I do. I HATE THIS. I don't want to be this "needy", I abhor this aspect of myself...and I know that if I txt again and he doesn't respond then I will throw myself into an even greater spiral of anxiety. For no FUCKING reason.

I'm sorry you had to see this. I'm sorry I am feeling this. I am glad I have a place to vent, in the moment, it DOES help...
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #100  
Old 05-17-2015, 08:53 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
That kind of sucks.
Thanks Kevin. It does suck. At least in my own private hell of my mind. I DID send the "see above" txt. - which he will see, I am guessing, sometime tomorrow - when I am at work again. (Even though he said he would be home today...he is notorious for being unable to keep to any kind of a schedule - I thought I had resigned myself to that...but maybe not...)

UPDATE: he saw the texts and called. Said he loved me and we would talk in person. Tomorrow - when he comes home (after I get home from work? Assuming he makes it home?) MrS is up and will give me his own hugs and reassurances. I'll make it. Did I mention I HATE having these feelings?
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-17-2015 at 09:16 PM.
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