What does a mono husband do about his daughter's discovery of her mothers poly?

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Dinged,
there just aren't words. Just aren't words.

As you know-I had a long-term affair. The idea of letting it all fall together (or apart) the way your wife has boggles my mind.

I admit my actions were selfish and inappropriate. However, at no point did I ever stop concerning myself with my kids.... I can't even fathom taking the types of risks you describe here-as a parent. I just can't.

I wish I could take your daughter and like the girl in book 7 & 8 of the Kushiel series, wipe the memories clean. Because-even if she manages to get to the point of letting go and potentially forgiving her mother for some highly selfish and inappropriate actions... she can't forget and that just sucks. :(

FYI-BDSM in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I have a D/s relationship with GG. But, there is a HIGHER level of responsibility required if you are going to have a relationship like that. I don't know that you care one whit, but when things settle down, take a look at the libbysub blog listed in my signature. It's written by a lady who is a 24/7 submissive AND has 3 children. She and her husband/master have a CLASSY way of handling their BDSM lifestyle and their family. Something that doesn't leave room for their children to suffer as your daughter is.


HUGS, I can't imagine that anything will make you (or her) feel better right now. But, hopefully in time your daughter will realize that her mothers errors don't have to control her own life. She's still free to build the beautiful and amazing life she always was.
 
Dinged,
As I see it, I think you've got TWO things going on here that need to be addressed separately.

First, or rather most recently, you have been confronted by what your wife is doing sexually with her boyfriend. You find their sexual tastes and proclivities disgusting. However, I believe that is not the issue you need to deal with. However reprehensible you find their behavior, keep in mind that many people get into polyamory because of a difference in sexual desires and tastes. If one partner feels a need to be kinky in order to be sexually satisfied, while the other does not, an additional partner can fulfill that need (if there is an agreement to open up the relationship). Kinkiness, in and of itself, is not necessarily sick and the people who participate in it are not necessarily pigs. You see it that way because it is obviously as far from your reality of what sex should be as it could possibly go. But what she does with him has nothing to do with you. The fact that she seemingly let herself get "caught" is more related to the second issue, that you need to deal with.

I understand it is painful for you to see those images of her doing something that disgusts you so much, and of course for your daughter to have seen them, but I think you really need to separate the acts themselves from the larger issues that have been brewing all along. Try to set what they do aside for now. Because, hypothetically, let's say that if you two healed everything else that was going on between you, like the lies and feeling like you weren't getting enough attention, as an example, you may have come to a place where you were okay with polyamory. There might have been a point at which you accepted it and felt okay with her having a lover, and you might even have chosen to have a lover too. And, if that were the case and you had never found out what she was doing with him, you wouldn't be cringing about it -- you would just be focused on your relationship with her, not her relationship with him.

Many poly couples don't share what goes on intimately with their partners. For many people, they just don't want to picture anything, so this is not unusual - but healthy relationships can still be had between a couple, even if one of them goes off and does some wild shit with their other partner. So, again, I think it would behoove you to try and set aside that aspect of what's been happening, because her sexual expression with him is not as relevant to your relationship as much as how she has related to you.


So, here's the second and most important issue: you've been struggling with your relationship with your wife for a while now. Your first post here, back in January, stated that "about 7-8 months I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle." That statement right there means that you didn't want to be in a poly situation and were essentially coerced into going along with it. Red flag!

Now, I'm sure there's more, but I am going by the threads you've posted here. Your wife and her boyfriend had a few strange encounters with you in public and you felt like he was trying to get the scoop on you while you didn't know much about him. So, there was a little weirdness, your wife didn't try to make meeting him an easy thing for you. It seems she can be very selfish and uncaring. So, you set certain rules to be followed: they don't fuck in your house, they must take precautions so that your wife doesn't bring home "so much as a fucking cold" (your words), and nobody touches your car. All reasonable.

Last month, you wrote about feeling like your wife was not focused enough on you and the family, that you didn't feel special to her, and that you and the kids weren't getting enough of her attention. You mentioned wanting her to feel as dissed as you did, a little vengefulness on your part, but you also said, "I have started to moved toward being open to the possibility of dating and or relationships." So, you've had some uncertainty and ambivalence throughout, and she did not seem willing to make changes or compromises to accommodate your feelings.

You feel hurt and have resentments but you tried to accept this other relationship of hers and prepare yourself for the future. You've talked about wanting to step back from being her primary, about her making good money and never contributing, and about no longer wearing your wedding band. You're trying to hash things out and then your wife decides at the last minute not to go on a family ski trip you had planned. You didn't protest, although you didn't like the fact that she didn't want to go. You kept silent and stewed about it. Then you wind up in a car crash with broken ribs, and when your daughter calls her mother you all find out she's in Vegas with her lover and hadn't told you she'd be there. The two of you clearly have problems involving trust and honesty. You said you also think she's trying to fill up some feeling of lack within herself. From what you have related here, there clearly seems to be a lack of communication between you and some disrespect.

While, yes, she has not behaved forthrightly, it seems you don't express your anger and then you do something to get back at her -- like changing your insurance policy without discussing it first. You've both tried counseling, but apparently not for very long and nothing was truly resolved. You have said you won't walk away, but underneath everything, you have been seething.

Now this happens -- pictures are found and it's like Vesuvius has erupted. Can you see how some of the rage you're feeling now has been bottled up for some time? You two have very fundamental relationship issues to work on; it isn't just about some kinky pictures. It's possible your wife tried to get caught as a "plea for help." She may be a sexual compulsive or have some deeper psychological problems, or she might just be tired of trying to hold it all together. She could have been feeling like her life was spiraling out of control and she needed to cry out in some way -- who knows? Yes, she seems like she has abandoned her responsibilities and is acting rather crazy. But don't let your reaction to the kinky stuff and the emails color what needs to be done to deal with the underlying problems between the two of you.

You have let your needs be swept aside and not expressed all the hurt and anger you've felt about it. In the midst of taking care of your daughter, also take care of yourself. Forget about revenge - it will feel like a hollow victory and send you deeper into despair. Focus on HEALING. It may mean divorce, it may mean reconciliation, it may mean communicating, it may mean lots and lots of therapy for both of you or the whole family, or any number of things -- but be careful with how you react. Don't let the content of the pictures sway you from what is underneath all the stuff that needs addressing. What's in the pictures have nothing to do with it, but being careless so they could be found seems an obvious statement, or a symptom of something much deeper. You are both in pain, and I suspect there's been pain for a long time.

I hope this all makes sense, and I wish you strength and healing.
 
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Thanks Bella and LR

The sleep thing is starting to be a problem.... bed no fucking way can lay for hours...sitting at my desk no problem....

I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's

I'm sure there are degrees to everything....

Thanks D
 
The sleep thing is starting to be a problem.... bed no fucking way can lay for hours...sitting at my desk no problem....

When I was having anxiety attacks or just can't shut my brain off, sometimes it helps me to actually sleep on the couch or someplace else that's pretty neutral. Occationally I have to even have the TV on real low. I would say, that if it continues talk to your doctor. Sleep deprevation is definitely not good for your family. Hugs

I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's

I think that was the point of LR pointing out Lilly's blog, to let you see the other end of the spectrum and that it can be done with class and respect. The issue is not with BDSM, but with your wife alone.
 
nycindie Thank you for insight

I dont think your general characterization is completely wrong just a couple assumptions. My mind has been assaulted from so many directions. Its like bee attack.

Being confronted with her being sexual.....that falls toward the bottom of the list. The language and vocabulary of the emails I did find distasteful and hard to understand. You seemed to pick out the word pig as I used it and gave it a negative meaning. There are photo's of her body with that word written on it. I know pig was used several times.... cum slut, ass whore, cunt, ass cunt, mouth cunt....pig seems mild in contrast. These photo's really show loving commitment to spiritual growth ...if you didn't know you would think it was retrieved from a serial sex offenders lair after his arrest. She looked beat up.... marks, bruises.. eye make smeared from crying, cum on her face....what beautiful image to store on a computer...I wonder if she or they edited out the unflattering one.... the one in which she may look fat or you couldn't read the text clear enough.

My first issue seems very irrelevant at this point. The email traffic supports most of my hesitation. It also suggest this was going on 6 months prior.... get my sharpie he need to add LYING CHEATING WHORE to her. Just lying and cheating whore was used many times.

" It not relevant how she relates to me" It is now...The c word has been out of bounds from as long as I can remember.... and she hated it use in reference to other and I've never used it toward her ever. Now cunt is no longer big deal she been called it hundreds of times and worse. Hell she enjoys it.

Another aspect of the relevance is needing a sports medicine trainer to relieve those beat up or strain muscles....If I had any idea I was helping to put her back in the game.... WOW ....fucking very relevant

your grasp of my history is pretty good... To clarify...1) "her making good money" she does contribute to our household always has ....she is like the President never has cash on her.... hey ya 20 for this or 50 for this ... or it could 3 bucks for coffee. I was just thinking let someone else be the atm. Or the mechanic for her car...let him crawl under it

2) She (acted) as though she was upset by me removing my wedding ring. I was confused by her reaction....still am from what I know now.

3) Yes I was disappointed when she blew her kids off. You can't use rhetoric about family time and what it means and then do the opposite. In all these situations because of the constraints of time and typing skills there is more subtle things happening.....you got highlights or bullet points.

4) No car crash....ski crash ...me and the hill....tried to do a jump caught an edge...bad day .... I found out she was there after I asked for her to drive up. Kid still don't know she was in Vegas...no emails to prove otherwise.

5) the insurance decision was made to protect my kids not punish my wife. Plus I have to admit I want to remove the incentive of my waking up dead...but those thoughts were momentary.

6) Seething ....Might be too strong....but yes I've been hurt. I look at it like a lot of paper cuts some deeper than others.

7) " kinky pictures found I blew" Yes and NO Over 300 emails and 35 photo's. Most of my anger is at the blatant stupidity of this...goes to judgment... I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.

Thank you very much for comments and I couldn't agree more as to your last paragraph ....focus is now on rebuilding whats left. I'm really not to interested in a relationship with my wife ( cum slut/ ass whore ) right now.
I feel a Sam Kinison rant coming on:)

I Thank again for effort and kind words..... D
 
I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's

I'm sure there are degrees to everything....

Thanks D

There are degrees to everything. I was certainly not suggesting that HER actions or photos were classy. Just pointing out that at some point in the future, if you want to see some (writing-not photos) about how it can be done classy, check out that blog.
You never know-at some point that tool may help your daughter to see that people who participate in BDSM aren't necessarily psycho-even if her mother appeared to be. ;)

Hugs, you need more of them. I have no advice for the sleep. I take a Lunesta every night, because sleep is not one of my forte's. :)
 
7) " kinky pictures found I blew" Yes and NO Over 300 emails and 35 photo's. Most of my anger is at the blatant stupidity of this...goes to judgment... I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.

I totally get that. It's hard to write a coherent sentence when you are struggling through the inability to make right your child's suffering.

Even though it's TOTALLY different, I struggled through that when my daughter was trying to birth this grandbaby. After 40 hours of her screaming and the last 20 of them pushing. Us being able to see his hair with every push, but her in agony... I was ready to murder every staff member at the hospital. Listening to her scream, "mommy PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" followed by a psychotic sounding wail to "GIVE ME THE FUCKING KNIFE I'LL CUT HIM OUT MYSELF". My capacity to handle the nurse saying, "you're fine honey, just breathe" was GONE GONE GONE.

As I said, totally different situation. The one similarity being, the parents struggle to handle their child's devastation and pain whilst being wholly unable to stop it. THAT PART-I'm totally there with you. That her other parent caused it. Unforgivable. Maybe someday that will change, but not any time soon. I understand that too.
When same said daughter was bawling her eyes out because her daddy didn't give a DAMN about her.... knowing that him blowing her off was a choice he made IN HER FACE.... the rage was insurpassable. Forgiveness.... it was 15 years and a lot of ass kissing from him to her (and to his parents and to me and to my husband) before I considered it. ;)

Just hold the fort as best you can.
Talk to the Dr about something to help you sleep.
Hold her when she'll let you hold her.
Let her vent.
See the counselors and follow the instructions they have.
Love your son. Too often we get caught up in the child with the emergency and forget to show as much attention to the other child who is "ok". Be sure he gets lots of love too.
 
I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.

Yes, I get that, but... not being a parent, I really didn't know how to comment on that. I know it's highly traumatic for her. I had a very traumatic experience at her age, but no one ever helped me with it, so I didn't know what to say. My thoughts were mostly focused on you. I had been thinking of you all day before I wrote that. Mostly about how angry you sounded and how often you wrote about revenge or punishing her/them in some way. Even if you were just venting, I felt concern for you and the possibility of your anger clouding rational judgment. I also thought about your wife and wondered if her behavior was a cry for help. People in pain can do such strange things.

I thought I would let others here, who are parents and more experienced in dealing with helping a child get through hard times be the ones to speak specifically to the issues surrounding your daughter. I didn't mean to sound like that wasn't also something I was concerned about. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now.
 
LR
Yes .... I think the pain situation is very similar and now I know a little of what you went through... It reminded me of when my dad died. I had my business so I put it on autopilot and spent the last month with him. Cancer slow painful way to go. I remember many times at 2 or 3 in the morning watching him thinking I got to end this it's just too fucking painful to watch. I thought if put 4-5 morphine patches on him this fucking nightmare will be over. I didn't because I thought in the grief I may forget to remove them.... but I thought about it many times. Up until this that the most painful thing I had to endure.

I completely understand about the sympathetic pain you felt with your daughters father blower her off.....absolutely crushing ....I want his head on a pike now too :) ... that's the sleep anger talking

Do you know anything about melatonin ....I'm sure I didn't spell that correctly?

Don't want to start down sleeping pill road....yet


Thanks again D
 
Yes, I get that, but... not being a parent, I really didn't know how to comment on that. ........
Even if you were just venting, I felt concern for you and the possibility of your anger clouding rational judgment. I also thought about your wife and wondered if her behavior was a cry for help. People in pain can do such strange things.

I thought I would let others here, who are parents and more experienced in dealing with helping a child get through hard times be the ones to speak specifically to the issues surrounding your daughter. I didn't mean to sound like that wasn't also something I was concerned about. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now.

Nycindie-you really have a great heart. I just wanted to say that to you.


Dinged-I do know about melatonin, they use it a lot for people with ADD (to try and avoid using sleeping pills) and EVERYONE in our family is ADD. ;)

It does HELP-but it won't stop your mind from going a mile a minute. It works best if you take it, immediately lay down in bed, close your eyes, focus on relaxing your body (some people do it from toes, feet, ankles, legs etc), and concentrating on your breathing. I say that because otherwise-your mind will continue to race and it can't stop that.

Another thing that may help (no guarantees of course) is if you can get in some heavy cardio activity a little earlier in the day. I don't know how you are healing up from your injuries-that may make that impossible. But-if you can do it, it tends to help, if not the first day, after 2-3 days.

With the ADD (which keeps your mind going a mile a minute all of the time anyway) they advise an hour of heavy cardio every 4-6 hours (during wake time), sticking really strictly to a healthy diet with dinner falling 3-4 hours before bed, going to bed (and getting up) at the same time every day no matter what, using a methodical "bedtime routine" that creates a quiet and relaxing atmosphere for an hour or so before bed and NEVER using your bed for anything but sleep.... if you are using the melatonin, adding that right at the end...

Wishing you the BEST of luck! (FYI-that whole mind focusing thing takes a little practice. It's a little hard to do the first few times ESPECIALLY if you are trying to do it under duress, which you would be)
 
I don't know what the emails say, but I do know you were uncomfortable with him coming to your work and that she said she was bored at a water park. This may be way off, but what if this man is not only a dom/master, but a cowboy too. Maybe he widdled away at your wife's will to be with her family until it was out of control? It sounds like he has been working her, working with her for awhile. It sounds like she was used to using you and being controlled by him. Where is he in all this? Any news on that? Where is she at now? She isn't working?

I agree with LR. Hold those kids tight. Especially your girl. Let her cry, yell, sit there. Just hold her whenever you can and listen and reflect back. Not taking sides, just letting her talk through it.

Your boy likely knows more than you think. He is probably hurting just by watching you two. Be near him, give him time and patience to ask questions. Tell him you are there for him also. Tell him that you two "men" need to be strong and supportive of your girl. Boys love to know they are in on the man stuff. Especially protecting family members.
 
LR ..

Thanks for the sleep info...going to give it a try.

I have to admit the story of your daughter crying after her father abandoned her made me tear up and become emotional....hope I don't turn into an emotional basket case at the sight ...or even the thought of a little girl crying.


RP

Thanks

I was just very surprised because they just showed up....no warning...now it could be looked at as some sort of power play....or maybe that's over thinking it.

I think my gut was signaling me something was wrong all a long...but because of all the complex emotions surrounding this I didn't hear the message.

Don't really have a judgment on his intentions or if he should be considered a cowboy....I have a vague understanding of the term.

"Where is he in all this" Great question. My first contact with him was on Tuesday I called him....no answer left message.

Background: Sat 6:30am had breakfast with good friend and lawyer started planning response. By noon had more or less a team of people and a direction.

Mon.... met with members of said team ...discussed plan. The team is the friend/lawyer, an investigator and a off duty cop who works in cyber crime... I hired him as a computer expert/ consultant . "The plan" to secure any and all pictures, video, emails from fuck boy. The debate was how to do this. The lawyer naturally wanted to use the threat of legal action....which made sense and had merit. I came up with the idea of using his dominance against him. Which everyone thought was genius....unless they're all suck ups. The plan was for me to act beaten...use a low tone of voice..body language of being submissive...harder to do than I thought... .express how I was distraught and trying to protect my poor wife's image and knowing these "things were secured and destroyed it would help all of us get on with healing. I was to offer to buy his computer and or replace it with new nicer one. The lawyer drafted a couple pages to support plan.

Tue ...called to start plan ....he called back few hrs later. The acting was much easier on the phone. Sold him on the idea and arranged for meeting at my business on Wed evening.

Wed ... Afternoon made my first phone call to sister in law to find out wife's condition as to have a knowledge base to give credibility. Plus I don't know what he knows or what his involvement has been. The decided line was " I'm trying to keep the kids calm and I needed a little break to process what had happen"...if questioned why I hadn't had more contact. 4:30 team arrived cop brought another cop to help with my acting....acting coach so to speak....The lack of sleep actually really helped in this.
7:30 ....he showed up and we had very little small talk....he asked how I was holding up and said this was tough on everyone...had a hard time not to react....started sweating....I introduced my computer expert and told him he would transfer all his stuff back on to a new computer and handle the destruction of the material that shouldn't seen by children.
8:15 or so he and I left and went to Best Buy I bought him new computer ...returned to office to have data transfer....9:45 I shook his hand and thanked him you what he had done. 10:30 was at a bar with team laughing and celebrating.... Home at 11:15 haven't had any alcohol since this happened didn't think it smart then either....stomach hasn't been right from the start of this.
Today the computer is being worked on and the dvd's and external drive are being gone over. Status expected early next week.

Wife's status nervous breakdown.... never really knew what that meant....is on medical leave or something. Was hospitalized for 2 days. Living with her sister....Her sister is a widow for several years now her to daughters are grown and gone...she recently bought a very large townhouse. Her husband had battled a brain tumor for 12-13yrs so she is very familiar with the care giving role. Her sister told me that my said she wanted or needed to talk to me...however with my up coming mission I didn't want to do it then....I told her I had an important meeting and I didn't want to become emotional before it...not really a lie. I filled her in on the kids status and expressed my gratitude for her help.


P.S. Is there any way to correct the grammar in the heading ....every time I see it ....it drives me crazy.

Now everyone here will see what I mean about his head on a pike.
Thanks D
 
Wow...all I can say is wow.

Seriously dh, you can take this for what it's worth or ignore it, whatever, your choice...this is just one man's opinion.

I understand you're upset, hurting, angry, and maybe a few terms stronger than that...but I think you seriously need to stop, suck back and reload! Your last post does not sound like the actions of a rational and reasonable person. It sounds like you really need to get a good night's sleep, and take some time to get control of yourself.

In all the discussion about your kids, I'm more worried about them now than when this thread first started. Your daughter saw something that she shouldn't, granted. It's upset her, and we can carry on talking about the damage done, and the mothers culpability in that.
What concerns me is that your actions and apparent state of mind won't do anything to help them. My fear is that while their mother may have damaged them, their father may destroy them.

If they don't have their mother at a time like this, they need a father. An adult, in control, and steady. A stable platform on which to ride the chaos around them. By you're writing it sounds like you yourself are a tempest of biblical proportions, and while woe that may be to 'fuck boy', it won't help your kids weather this.

Just one view...but please take a moment to stop, try to separate yourself from the emotions and think with a clear and rational mind.
 
I have a female friend who approached her husband's cheating the same way. She was methodical and in control. She used the evidenced gathered from his computer as a trump card if he tried to push for custody rights or any type of support. I respect a well laid out attack and overkill in some situations but is this really one? Unless laws have been broken is this really necessary my friend? You are in control...you've won for lack of a better word. There is a lot to be said for compassion and mercy. No one knows how you feel...no one. Be strong...focus on healing.
 
Imaginaryillusion ...thanks for the reply

I can see where it may look like I'm irrational and I admit I've had plenty of irrational thoughts...I have a very specific goal or goals. That elaborate operation to secure the remaining materials had a purpose and it was not about revenge. I have surrounded myself with people I trust to prevent stupid irrational behavior on my part. I have not discussed any of this with my children or in front of them or have had any communications that they might stumble on to ....emails or texts.

Good night sleep seems impossible. My body seems to shut down for an hour or two then I'm snapped awake....don't really get it..I do agree with you and would love to be able to have that.

You could be right not "completely" rational and in this regard I'm not sure what would be considered reasonable. I don't think those 2 should be expecting me to be reasonable. So I will concede I might not be reasonable, but I think I'm rational.

I don't know if you have children? But you are grossly understating it. "saw something she shouldn't and now she's upset"..... Upset can't really be used in this. My mother died recently and they were close and yes she was upset. This is factors bigger (X). It has been suggested that it would have been less traumatic if my wife had died in some accident or the loss of another family member.

As I just reread that.... I'm not suggesting anyone should die I'm just relaying what the professionals are saying.

I think this is the law of unintended consequences at it's worst. Fuck boy and asswhore made hundreds of decisions which they thought were good, "reasonable" or low risk. Now they have to live with the consequences. They chose what to email each other....they chose the words, subject, disrespect. they chose to record this on video and still photos ...they chose to send x rated materials via the internet... they chose to store said material on computers.

I don't think any of this is biblical in it's scope. I haven't done anything to either of them.

I could hurt him beyond his wildest dreams... I could show his family, his kids...all older..one out of college one in college one in high school ...would never do that...plus they may know.... we have located his parents....his mother may look at him a little different after that....bad assumption his parents might be into this. Who knows his father may beat,whip, tie up and call his mother a cum slut/ asswhore. It may be learned...past down to the next generation. I've played golf at charity event with his boss not a friend but more than an acquaintance ....I could share with his friends and neighbors....again all may know and be involved on some level who knows.

I feel helpless. There is a feeling to do something... to share the pain... right now fuck boy hasn't really suffered much. He lost his playmate for a few days or week or two. He may have a little guilt but I didn't get the sense he was suffering....he looks like he sleeping just fine. Why should I be walking around like a fucking red eyed zombie and fuckboy's sleeping like a baby. Somethings wrong with that picture don't you think. I 'd like to put fuck boy and cum slut in a room with my daughter and let them answer every and all questions....they should get a little taste of this pain and confusion. Not to mention I'd love to hear the answers myself...maybe throw in a few questions of my own. Lets put the photo's up on the wall or have the dvd available too.

He never apologized for his role in this and approached it as if it was an unfortunate accident. He said lots of stupid things in my opinion. Which isn't helping him or her.

I agree with you 100% my kids need stable platform and I'm trying extremely hard to provide what ever is needed to accomplish that. I am planning to take them on an extended spring break trip... on clum slut and fuck boy's tab. I'm thinking ski trip to Switzerland. Not kidding.

I'm continually surprise by the comments thinking I could destroy my kids lives....how ...in what way... I'm still functioning at work. At home ... Make the meals... help with homework, get them to there things appointments.

Thank you for your concern and I have been mindful of what you said.


Thank Redpepper or whoever corrected the heading...should of asked the first day.

What do I tell friends and neighbors ??? newest problem
 
Dinged, I know it may seem totally out of line and utterly ridiculous for me to talk about compassion, and I do not in any way mean to make light of any of what's happened but think about this: it is possible he may have been abusing your wife (like Joel Steinberg abused Hedda Nussbaum) and she could see no other way of getting out of it than to get caught. The fact that she is now recovering from a nervous breakdown could signal something like that.

There is so much rage you have for both of them, and I am not sure if it's only about the emails and pictures. I think you are just plain disgusted by what they were doing. It could be that some of it was posed for the camera, and that some of the emails were just some kind of sextalk without any truth to it. It is important that you find out for sure what was going on. You might need to talk to your wife, get clear on things, before you do anything. Especially try not to do anything rashly. If it was all consensual, what can you do anyway, other than have him arrested for distributing porn? The boyfriend can say you knew about him, which you did. If he was abusing her and controlling her in a way she could not feel able to get free from, that is another matter altogether.

All I'm saying is to slow down, breathe, find some peace before taking action against anyone. Focus on the kids, see if you can remember the wife you fell in love with, she is still in there somewhere. Stop calling her those nasty names. Taking legal action for revenge could hurt your kids, too - it could all come out in the local news and that would be devastating to them. Pray, meditate, see a counselor FOR YOURSELF.

Compassion, compassion, compassion... for yourself, your children AND your wife.
 
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Thank you very much mono,

our posting crossed....maybe I've explained already... Yes you are the right track follow that legal tack out a step or two.

Trust me I didn't need to see anymore evidence and have not looked at any of it...not the least bit interested... the team was/is looking for something specific.

Yes no laws have been violated....Yet.

Well if I won I'd like to know how .....or how score is being kept. I think this is a lose lose lose lose thing.

I Did look at a new bright yellow fatboy though.

That should in itself prove my metal stability...or maybe not.

Thanks again D
 
DH, your anger is really, really scary.

Do you really think that hurting others is going to alleviate your own pain, or your daughter's? Didn't you learn in kindergarten how two wrongs don't make a right?

They were pushing the edges with their photographs. Ever hear of Andy Warhol? Perspective, man! It really wasn't about you. Of course I don't expect you to see that....

I'm sorry for your pain, I really, really am, but your contempt is so extreme, I can't see anything good coming out of this until you find a loving place in your heart again. You are sharing your pain and rage on this forum; I think you are brave for voicing it and we are all trying to understand where you're coming from. But I can't help but feel terrible for your wife who you promised to love and honor and now you are calling her names (taken out of context -- because the context in which she was using them was not the same as the way you are using them here). She made mistakes but she does not deserve to be hated. Strictly my opinion; I hope you'll agree that I have a right to it.
 
Getting some good sleep is really important - It will maximise your capacity to deal with things in front of you and will assist you to remain rational.

I went through a fairly traumatic event a few years back...I had weeks and weeks of poor sleep and panic attacks. The lack of sleep meant I was barely functioning at a time when I needed all my wits about me.

I ended up talking to my GP to get some help to sleep. I'd never taken sleeping tablets before, and I haven't since. But I did for a few days...They helped re-set my sleep patterns and helped me catch up on some much needed sleep. I could function again. I felt like a new person.

My ability to deal with what was going on increased. I felt in control again.

At that point in time, I had very little control over much of what was going on...but a few good nights sleep put me back in a position where at least I had control over maximising my capacity to deal & cope with a set of extremely stressful events.

Sleep deprivation is nasty - It won't be helping you at all...and could be one of the things you can be pro-active about.

Could you talk to your doc for some advice on this ? Even it's it's just a short term solution to get you re-set...
 
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