Poly and closeted -- how do other people handle this?

Faerylights

New member
Hi everyone,

I've only seriously embarked on a triad relationship with two of my best friends (married to each other) in the last week or so, but it has its own weird pace because we've known each other a while and been sexual partners in the past.

My male partner and I have spent the past two days dating while his wife is out of town -- dinner, movies, cuddling, talking -- really good stuff. But I've missed her.

She'll be home in a few hours (I don't live with them, but we'll be catching up) and I wanted to hop around on my favorite social networking sites saying "my girlfriend's coming home!" because we've been IMing like mad (which we always do, we just flirt more now) and she brought me presents and I'm just . . .really excited to see her and touch her and all that.

Then I realized I can't out them, can't out me, and that means I can't tell people about my relationship. Not the way I could when I was monogamous with someone (I'm bi, lean toward women, and publicly, comfortably out about that; my personal conviction is I'll take the blows I get from being openly queer if it does something to help LGBT people become more visible and protected in society).

We're giving it another week or so before we tell close friends that we think might be hurt if we left the info out too much longer . . .beyond that, if our relationship continues to grow and thrive, we only intend for people in our social circles that pick up on it or ask to be the ones to know. It's not something any of us need to deal with at work, and for me, not something I can share with family or (I'm Christian, they're not) my church community.

They're fine with sharing the information with their parents, if we get to a place where things seem to be holding steady, and I feel really respected and appreciate that, but like I said, can't do the same.

They'll always have their public marriage, and I, if this continues or I find another poly relationship one day with another couple, will always be hiding something. I'm a really open person with my life: hate lying, hate omitting, write confessional poetry and personal essays, and when I'm in love, love to talk about it.

Any advice from other people who prefer to have their cards face up on the table but are constrained by various concerns when it comes to mentioning their dating situations, or even long-term romances?

Thanks in advance.
 
I guess my question is why will you always be hiding it?

I am the hinge in a poly V. We all live together and everyone knows.

So I'm curious why you feel you would have to always be hidden.
 
Points

LR, I get where you're coming from, but that's not an entirely fair question. Not everyone is in a place where they're privileged to go public with a poly relationship. Not intending to be harsh :(

1) It can help to have a separate, or related, relationship. Point is to have a "respectable" relationship that you CAN be freely public about, someone you don't have to worry about logistics. I'm not saying "find a primary. " it doesnt have to be more important than the couple. Fair warning, I wouldn't force this JUST to have a "normal" relationship. That's not particularly nice for the other person.

2) You really CANNOT afford to have pride and be poly. Meaning the normal, and very nice! , trapping s of monogamy. ... titles of girlfriend/husband. ... someone to attend birthdays and galas with. ...it's part of the give and take. Instead of thinking, "It isn't fair. ..." Try shifting to, "I'm really lucky that I have. .... [two people that love me]/[ability to take advantage of an opportunity most would feel too ashamed to pursue]/[three people in bed. .. whenever I want]. isn't being with these people worth having to give up, in this one instance, public recognition of your importance to them? Bearing in mind they probably feel same
frustrations. Again, you could still have marriage, family, etc. with someone else

 
We just live our lives. If my family doesn't like it tough shit. Same goes for everyone else.

But my guys have separate social circles.
 
Another thought.

Also I missed a couple bits, but seriously, people don't NEED to know. For your friends that might be hurt? Sorry, but to quote Dagferi, tough shit. This is a big change for you. . . You have the right to be able to keep it private for a while. And as for getting excited about her return? Get excited. She's your best friend, right? Be open with how close you are to her and him, but leave out the "relationship" part. If people wonder or judge, screw them. You don't have to justify your friends.
 
I don't. I don't believe in being closeted and will only do it if I expected a relationship to be casual and a bit of fun. (Like someone who was moving abroad soon and I won't see them again...seriously).

Living in a closet is the very worst situation to be in and you need to find the strength to be open to people you care about or else you are allowing yourself to suffer the worst disadvantages of being the "third" in a triad and pretty much signing its death warrant.
 
Are you afraid of losing your family or disappointing them? Are you afraid they will be ashamed of you?

If someone had a messed up or traumatic childhood at the hands of parents, or they are not even remotely close to their family, naturally, the last people they would seek approval from would be family. Understandably. Then there are people like me. I have both parents in my life. I dreaded telling them, and when I did, it was a downer. My mum was disappointed. My daddy never said anything negative, but I think it secretly brought him shame. It took my mum awhile to be okay with it and welcome my ex. I am not sure my daddy was ever okay with it. Let's just say he would not go out of his way to seal an extra invite for her to the annual Christmas party at the lawn club.

It hurts to lose people you love and care about, and the reactions are can go either way. I have friends that I have had in my life since I was in nappies. They are more blood than some of my own blood relatives. Would it hurt to have lost them behind this? Yes. Your friends might not care, or they may be inquisitive. Your family might be understanding and accepting. Of course, it might take a period of adjustment. Being out is not as easy as some people make it seem. You have to make that choice for yourself. You know your family better than any of us. I would test it out hypothetically with a trusted family member and gauge their reaction.

I have found that churches have the biggest hypocrites and sinners, so I would not worry on that front. You can be out without advertising it.
 
I tend to be open with close friends about the nature / configuration of my relationships to the same extent that I would be with a mono relationship. I decided if someone that I considered a friend disapproved, then I didn't need that person in my life. I will be damned if I am going to live my life by someone else's "shoulds." That said, I must have chosen my friends well, because everyone I have shared with has taken it in stride.

Acquaintances don't need to know. I am at a new job, and while I suspect most have figured out that I am not married, most do not know that have one partner much less that am semi-seeking another. None of their business.

I am fortunate in regard to my parents as they themselves took a shot at poly a couple of times in their marriage, so a non-issue.

The one thing I would caution against is being too forthright in your workplace. Don't do anything that might damage your work prospects.
 
Really?

C'mon, I know not everyone here is as open as they claim, or once in a while, we'd run into a few of you who admitted it :) I have never met someone, or met someone who met someone, or met someone who....you get the idea... who openly acknowledged swinging, or the hint of non-monogamy, in casual chatting. Only after months of knowing the person and them confiding.

You might be honest with a few close friends, maybe even your friends and family, but I think she's worried about public acceptance, being able to just tell anyone she's dating a couple when they ask if she's engaged, which is a totally different thing. And telling those people in the first place can be very intimidating.

Now, I might be wrong, but does anyone here freely live a poly lifestyle?
 
We haven't met but I dislike being accused of not being honest.

I'm accusing you of being a bit generous about your situation, if anything. But I am tired of hearing, "Just be open!" when I see no evidence that anyone is practicing what they preach, no examples of how anyone has managed to do so.

If, however, you are in a place where you can truly be as open about non-monogamy as about monogamy, then consider yourself very lucky :) Like I said I have NEVER heard even a hint of anyone practicing that lifestyle openly- who wasn't on a TV show. So, yes, I'm skeptical. But I'm not denying the possibility.
 
*puts hand up* I do. I/we aren't bannered or something, but yeah, most of our surroundings know about it. We hid it in the beginning, just because we needed to wrap our own minds around it, but afterwards, we were quite open. It isn't the first topic in a conversation, but if someone asks about our private life/relationships we answer honestly.

Even if you can't think of this as a practice applicable for you, don't rule it out in general for others :) Give everything some time, some answers will come after a while all by themselves.
 
I'm open with my friends and select family members. I used to be open at work because I had a workplace that was friendly to anyone. I now work a job where they Say they are friendly to every life-style but don't support anyone different. That's not a battle I want to fight. I feel that picking my battles IS my choice and my living un-closeted. It's entirely my right to CHOOSE not to tell people what my situation is. I find power in that when I feel I can't be entirely myself. However, that's just a reaction to the "people do/don't live openly" thing, which really is a personal choice unless you're being activist by being open about it.

As for you (and please correct me if I am wrong) feeling as if you can't have community or friends you can be excited about your poly relationship with, surely there are other poly folks in your area? Maybe it is time to keep old friends but make new ones.
 
I'm accusing you of being a bit generous about your situation, if anything.

Please don't.
If, however, you are in a place where you can truly be as open about non-monogamy as about monogamy, then consider yourself very lucky :)

I do consider myself lucky, I have never been closeted, I have had no reason to be so, my family know, my friends know, when I was working I told my colleagues, the school knew, the health team for the autistic child knew and the neighbours, the doctor and nurse. My facebook..... even my wanker ex husband knows.

It's never safe to make any assumptions about how other people live.
 
PolyInPractice: I was completely open about my relationships when I was younger -- all my friends knew, my family knew, my mom used to go to events with my boyfriend and girlfriend. It was great.

Now I have a "real career", where I live with my colleagues and have limited ability to interact with people outside my work (think army base, isolated island, monastic community. Not exactly what I do, but same idea) and have a spouse and kids. While I don't think I would lose my job if I was out, it's not at ALL out of the realm of possibility. And since I'm the only person in the family working, it's a big risk to take. But because functionally all my friends are coworkers, I don't feel like I be out socially without being out at work as well -- and being out in a small, insular community like this one could really be a disaster. There's already a lot of stress on marriages (see above re: monastic communities) and I'd be worried that rightly or wrongly people would be less likely to be friends with us (especially close friends) because they don't understand polyamory and are worried about us hitting on them, sleeping with their spouses or being generally creepy.

Where I am out is at home. My mom knows I'm seeing my sweetie and likes him. My husband's parents know. All my close friends outside of my immediate community (internet friends, and friends from before I took this job) know. When I go visit my sweetie we can be out in his community and it's no big deal. I think it's enormously helpful to have those people to talk to -- if you don't have them, you really need to develop them because the closet is a hard, punishing place to be. Either way, though, no one has the right to make decisions about what you should or shouldn't do about being public but you.
 
Leaving out the "relationship" word.

Be open with how close you are to her and him, but leave out the "relationship" part. If people wonder or judge, screw them. You don't have to justify your friends.

That's a really good point -- thanks to you and Dagferi. I hadn't considered just being open about my affection & not the full nature of it -- but in my circles, even in my church circles, that wouldn't raise many eyebrows. People who know me are familiar with my being really quick to give compliments and be emotionally invested in their own lives. I think one reason this sort of poly configuration makes sense to me is because it's so easy to love more than one person, you know?
 
Here's the summary as I understand it. I could be wrong.

  • I am having inner conflict.
  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
  • I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell.

Is that about it? Could you clarify please?

Galagirl
 
Galagirl: That's it. And those desires are something I'm well aware can't necessarily be met. Just like coming out to my folks didn't mean they really wanted to hear about my next girlfriend and what a great person I thought she was.
 
Grateful

I posted a lengthy reply thanking each of you by name for the concerns and perspectives you brought, because being able to read and reflect really helped me . . .and then I suppose I lingered over it too long, because when I tried to post it, the system acted like I was logged out and ate all my thoughts.

The brief version is sometimes I need external help to process my feelings, and I feel I was given a lot of excellent suggestions, empathy about my concerns re: coming out to very specific groups (work, family), and hope that down the road, some of these things will feel less like a big deal and my external relationships may shift because of my romantic life -- and that's ok.

Thanks for the support and your time. This is all so new to me and I really appreciate your input and aid.
 
Thank you for clarifying. If this is the case?

  • I am having inner conflict.
  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
  • I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell.

When I experience inner conflict? I sit with it and determine if I'm stirring my own pot first and ADDING to my own anxiety.

In this case -- maybe you are a little bit? You are only a week in, hon. You don't have to solve the universe that fast. :eek:

When I have to resolve inner conflict? I have to sit down and think and discern where the line comes down in this particular case then.

So between these two wants -- you could discern which you value higher. Tempered with what is actually within your control or not.

  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
    [*] I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell. (<-- You don't control their response. So I grey it out. They only thing you can do about this is ask that if they have negative response to please not tell you about it. They either honor that or not.)

There. Now the problems is not longer WHAT or WHO. You want to be honest with your family and church friends about your polyshipping.

Now it is just about WHEN and HOW.

And guess what? You seem to have an answer in place for that already with your polyship people. Remember this?

If our relationship continues to grow and thrive, we only intend for people in our social circles that pick up on it or ask to be the ones to know.

If that's good enough agreement between you all, that's good enough then!

Could give yourself permission to relax and if any family or church members inquire, be honest in your response at that point in time.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top