Feeling Overwhelmed

ChickenandGravy

New member
Hello all,

I am 35 and live in Baltimore MD. I've been with my wife for 15 yrs, married 5. We have a beautiful 3 yr old girl that is everything to us. We started messing around with other girls about 10 yrs ago and "graduated' to couples about 6 yrs ago, well one couple in particular, we will call them David and Lisa. Things as of late have not gone well, after years of being together on a physical level and being incredibly close friend (Dave is my best friends) things have progressed to "love" between my wife and David. Unfortunately I don't have the same connection with Lisa. It has gotten so out of control that David and Lisa are now getting a divorce and my wife and I are on the rocks. Wait it gets worse.....recently my wife told me that she loves me but she isn't "in love with me". We have very open dialogue about how we feel, and we communicate very effectively. She assures me that there is no risk of her leaving and that she wants to work it out. I am feeling incredibly confused and conflicted, I don't really know where I am going with this but I could use some help, thanks for listening.
 
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Well, firstly, did you think that unless you could share his wife, he couldn't share yours? If you did think that, was it because of an agreement that you made with your wife and/or David and his wife?

You see, regardless of whether it's just something you thought or whether it was something you all agreed, it is unrealistic. We can't predict how we will feel about someone, how they will feel about us, or how a relationship will develop with any real accuracy. Emotions and feelings and stuff simply don't work like that.

David and his wife may simply be at the end of their road. The poly stuff might have been the last straw rather than the only straw. Maybe you know the ins and outs, but their relationship breakdown doesn't have to affect you and your wife repairing yours if none of you want it to.

What I suggest is that you and your wife work out how you're going to get the things you need to repair your relationship. Make sure you have uninterrupted quality time scheduled and provide her the same opportunity with David. Don't try and set rules that control their relationship but set guidelines that help you maintain yours.

Your wife has to be truly up for ensuring the survival of both relationships though. She has to acknowledge that her marriage needs some extra resources right now, and also that it's probably best David has the space to focus on making the divorce as drama free as possible. For him, his wife, and any other people who might be involved.
 
Sounds like some seriously choppy waters you are in.

Things as of late have not gone well, after years of being together on a physical level and being incredibly close friend (Dave is my best friends) things have progressed to "love" between my wife and David.

The expectation that people can be close friends and sexually intimate and will never develop "love" or "romantic" feelings for each other is unrealistic. Some people do it apparently, but counting on that being the case is a bad bet.

It makes perfect sense that they might develop a romantic relationship given the circumstances.

The unfortunate part seems to be that the expectations don't match up with the reality of the situation and you need to kind of re-center. Given the reality of the situation, what are your expectations? Given the reality of the situation, what are your wifes expectations? These things should be explicitly discussed so that you can make clear decisions regarding what your actions will be.


Unfortunately I don't have the same connection with Lisa.

Honestly, considering how ill prepared the four of you seem to be in dealing with one budding romance, I'm guessing the presence of another would just sink the ship faster.

Wait it gets worse.....recently my wife told me that she loves me but she isn't "in love with me". We have very open dialogue about how we feel, and we communicate very effectively. She assures me that there is no risk of her leaving and that she wants to work it out. I am feeling incredibly confused and conflicted, I don't really know where I am going with this but I could use some help, thanks for listening.

I personally would want to discuss the distinction she is making between "love" and "in love". People can lump all manner of ideas into the irritatingly vague description of love so I suggest using some of your effective communication to get a better understanding of what is really ahead of you.

I also would like you to consider that your communication might be great in some aspects, but if you guys were really on the same page it seems highly unlikely that you would be so broadsided by these changes. Regarding your expectations of how the open relationship might work and "where you are at" it sounds like you still have quite a bit of room for improvement on the communication front.

My suggestion when working on said communication is to be specific. "I love you but am not in love with you", for example, means exactly nothing to me. That is the title of a book, not clear communication. Move away from these sweeping generalizations and get down to actionable expressions "I care for you but I want to move out" or "I don't want to have sex with you but I want to share other aspects of my life with you" are concise and actionable. Talking about what we feel is good, but talking about what we need to *do* will be a bit more constructive.
 
First off, thank you for the advice. My wife was the one who suggested/insisted that we work it out. What we have talked about is that after 15 yrs of being together, the "newness" of the love she is feels for david is what she is attracted to. As far as David and Lisa's marriage goes, they had several other problems not just this. I want to give my wife space and time with David but I can't help but feel jealous. I have never really felt this way before, thats what is really messing with me. Also because hes my best friend I want to be there for him during his divorce. I really sucks because I don't know how to feel. Its just really hard to hear that your wife isn't AS in love with you anymore.:(
 
I personally would want to discuss the distinction she is making between "love" and "in love". People can lump all manner of ideas into the irritatingly vague description of love so I suggest using some of your effective communication to get a better understanding of what is really ahead of you.

I couldn't agree more, I have a real hard time wrapping my brain around that one. I think we all went into this thing blind and not really thinking any of it through. Now we are paying the price.
 
I couldn't agree more, I have a real hard time wrapping my brain around that one.

That's because the statement is too vague to be of any use. People change, their level of interest can ebb and flow over time, so I get that a change has occurred, what you guys need to figure out is how to adjust to the change (do we need to adjust how we interact, what expectations should be adjusted, how do each of you see this playing out in best case scenario terms).

I think we all went into this thing blind and not really thinking any of it through. Now we are paying the price.

That seems clear enough, but I would avoid beating yourself up over it at this point. We're all experts at what we do right up until the point where we try something new... then we're noobs.
 
I wrote this about being "in love" some time ago.
 
My wife was the one who suggested/insisted that we work it out.

This sounds positive, to me. She wants to stay together with you, and you seem to want to stay together with her. In your many years together, this can not be the first problem you have encountered. A different one, a new one but not the first one... you made it through the earlier ones, you can make it through this one, too.

What we have talked about is that after 15 yrs of being together, the "newness" of the love she is feels for david is what she is attracted to.

That is called NRE or New Relationship Energy. Make a search or a tag search with the term and you will find a lot of information about it. In the long run, the "newness" will inevitably wear out.

Its just really hard to hear that your wife isn't AS in love with you anymore.:(

That seems to be what NRE does to some people. It can get better with time - let's hope this is the case.

Edit: Someone posted this thought on these forums: as human beings, our actions preceed our emotions. If you act lovingly towards someone, you will eventually feel the love, too. You can change your feelings by changing your behavior. This is a piece of advice I have "tested out" myself, and it works, for me at least. Thus it is important for you and your wife to discuss your future *actions*, and most likely the emotions will follow them.
 
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Nadya, thank you so much I have never heard of the term NRE before but it totally makes sense. Even though my wife and I have lived in a nontraditional relationship for sometime now, we were never a part of a community or anything. Honestly we never really took it that seriously we were just winging it. I think we will be ok, its just going to take some time. This forum is a great resource, it really is helpful to talk to people that have gone through similar experiences, so thanks!
 
I'm also very sure your wife is going through NRE.

The funny thing about NRE is that when we enter monogamous relationships, we don't often have anyone else to worry about, so we look at NRE as 'being in love', when really, I'd say it's the stage before falling in love. It's more of an infatuation. If we do have other people to worry about (such as an existing relationship or other people we're dating) when we enter a monogamous relationship with this shiny new person, we often compare everyone else to them, justify our 'addiction' to this giddy feeling, and get rid of any relationships we need to get rid of in order to be with that new person (monogamously).

However, in poly, it's quite a different situation, because the idea is to continue to love and appreciate the existing partner(s) while you're in La La Land with the new person. Where, when monogamous, we could revel in our own giddiness harmlessly, in poly, things can really go by the wayside as we pursue the new thing we are sure will make us happier.

This can change, for some people, with time and experience. Eventually, the hope is that with a bit of practice, everyone gets to understand NRE, drops the guilt, drops the panic, and basically enjoys it until it passes.

Of course, there are times that NRE is the lead-up to a real and genuine love. It may even be the lead-up to a very compatible relationship. We can never believe wholeheartedly that our partner won't find someone they are happier with, because there's no way to safeguard against it.

However, your wife is clearly saying that she wants to stay and you clearly want her to. Now is the time for talking, lots of reading, online research, honesty and self-growth.

In terms of books, I really like Polyamory Roadmaps. (Some excerpts here: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/381610.Anthony_D_Ravenscroft)

One theory I have always found extremely useful is Sternberg's Triangle Theory, which outlines different kinds of love. This really helped me when I was trying to understand what I felt for my non-primary partner and helped my to a) ease my primary's worries and b) assuage my own misplaced guilt at having this love for another person. http://psychdigest.com/what-type-of-love-do-you-have-with-your-partner/

I hope this helps!
 
Wait it gets worse.....recently my wife told me that she loves me but she isn't "in love with me".

From what I've seen here and on some of the Mono/Poly email lists, I'd be wary of taking this statement to heart yet. In many cases, it seems that when this gets said, the person saying it doesn't quite know how to articulate what they're feeling, and they pull up the "in love" versus "love" idea because that's what they know from falling in love initially. They've got that rush (NRE) that they don't have with you (because your relationship has long passed that initial endorphin rush), and they think something's wrong with what you both have, when in fact that may not be the case at all.

Once she's had time to figure out what she's feeling and articulate it, she may have better words to describe it, but right now, her tools are a bit rusty... or nonexistent.

I agree with the talking... talk, talk, talk. Communication can't get better if you don't use it.

Hoping for the best.
 
I don't have anything to except to echo the others. It sounds like your wife is deep in the throes of NRE (outside of poly this might equate with a "honeymoon phase"). Where we see our "new shiny" partner through rose coloured glasses and might act a little "obsessed".

A while back I wrote this post in response to another poster. (The slightly-relevant NRE part is the 3rd section).

Now I, personally, can't STAND the NRE part - I feel surreal, semi-psychotic and out-of-control, but others seem to enjoy it and feel that the intensity makes it the "real thing" (i.e. "in love" as opposed to "just" loving someone). For me, the "real" relationship doesn't even start until the NRE wears off and people see each other as they REALLY are - as opposed to the glorified, imaginary person that we think they are during NRE.

My advise, let your wife know what you NEED in order to maintain your relationship with her - a certain amount of time each day where txting/etc. is banned (for instance, from when you get home until after dinner - or whatever works for your schedule). A specific time/activity that is set aside for just the two of you to bond (a "date-night" for example).

NRE is said to last 6-18 mos, but I think a lot of people have noticed that "limited contact" (time and/or geography) seems to stretch it out. I'd look at how much time you can tolerate your wife being focused on someone else...then let them get it out of their system (while making sure that your needs have been heard).

You can do this if you really want to...hang in there.

JaneQ
 
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