Poly with brothers?

2muchlove

New member
Hi all, just here for some open minded feedback, this is obviously not something I can discuss in 'real life'.

I've been with my husband for 7yrs and we have a 4yr old daughter. All is totally rosy, we might argue a bit about money because we are poor but that's our only issue, we love each other and communicate openly.

We also live and work with his older, single brother.

(you know where this is going now, right?)

The brother is a lovely man, quite similar but also quite different to my husband. He has always been single, he just cannot bring himself to be braver with women. I like him, we get on really well. I don't know if he would like me sexually, that is a line we've both been careful not to cross! He is desperate for a family, he's amazing with our daughter, treats her like his own. It breaks my heart that he can't have that too, he is so kind and funny, I would have him! Time is running out for him, he's over 40 and women his age will not be fertile for much longer. :( I've tried to do some subtle matchmaking for him, but in truth I have come to feel like he belongs to me and would be a little territorial with another woman about so I've been glad deep down when it's come to nothing :D

As said we almost live together, and do work together all three - I look after him as far as is appropriate, buying him clothes and feeding him and all those kinds of things some men struggle with! I think some people who know me may already have questions about what exactly our relationship IS because for the last 7yrs I've just hung out with both these men! I've seen them give me funny looks and drop tiny hints.

It would be small jump to sleeping together...but obviously, I know that's a big leap in reality so I have done nothing since I don't want to detonate my relationship with my husband! Maybe/probably this will come to nothing, head says don't go there and I listen to my head, but my heart whispers to me.... ;)

I've always been open to poly relationships so long as it's between consenting adults. I haven't pursued it though because it just seems so 'out there', I realise I'm in a minority. My husband is aware I would not at all mind a MMF threesome, but this isn't really that since I don't see it as a kinky sex thing, I would be happy to have sex with either, separately or together, and would NOT expect them to touch each other (incest! and it's not my bag). I know my husband would not be keen on me having sex outside our marriage, but I do wonder how it would be with his brother, since they are friends as well as brothers and work colleagues. It's a beaudiful thang - which makes me doubly nervous since if it went wrong, there is SO much at stake. Home, careers AND close family ties :(

Adding kids seems another minefield. I would not envisage an 'open' relationship since i KNOW it would jeapordise our business and their family would hate the idea (religious). I wouldnt want my daughter to suffer because of her weirdo parents antics, so I would keep it very secret from her too. Luckily I think we could get away with it due to our current unique lifestyle. It'd be a LOT harder if I were to give the brother his longed-for child though, I'm sure intelligent readers can see why!

Sooooo, anything to add? Any suggestions? I'm not sure whether to forget the whole thing and stay as we are, try asking my husband for his thoughts on the basis that if he has any concerns we will never go there again (will that be enough or will it poison his mind forever?) or go for a longterm approach of simply including the brother more and more and testing the reaction to each step. Just spending more time with him, cooking more for him, little things like that, until he is even more 'one of the family'? Obviously stopping if he pushed me away or my husband seemed jealous.
 
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There's nothing in your story to suggest your husband would be open to a poly relationship - in fact, it seems that he would in all likelihood be against it. In your shoes, I'd be distancing myself from the brother. I can't imagine your husband responding positively to you having sexual feelings for him, and it's not just your relationship with your husband that you are potentially putting on the line here - it's his relationship with his family. Sounds like you have a nice fantasy in your head, but you're the only one having it. Brother sounds like he's just enjoying being a brother-in-law being looked after. Trying to introduce a sexual or intimate side doesn't sound like it would be appreciated by anyone. Perhaps if you weren't there mothering him, he'd have more incentive to move out and meet someone? Maybe he enjoys being an uncle to his niece, and has no desire to be a father? Have you considered this? Have you discussed with him what he wants for his future in terms of relationships?

The only way I would counsel anything different would be if your husband were approaching you with the idea of opening up, or the pair of you were already open. Or perhaps if your husband's brother had made an unambiguous move on you to suggest he reciprocated your desire. If you think you *can* talk to your husband about this without him freaking out, then by all means, do so. I would probably introduce the idea in the context of explaining that you'd like brother-in-law to move out, and that the reason you'd like more distance is because you are attracted to him. At least that way you leave it in husband's ball-park whether to suggest poly as a means to move forward. But you do run a risk of him responding negatively, and if that happens, you might find yourself in the position not just of breaking your marriage, but facing an out-of-proportion level of societal backlash in the process. It's one thing to lose your marriage because you admit you have feelings for someone else. Quite another to do so because you have feelings for your brother-in-law.

Proceed with caution.
 
My husband will argue in defence of polyamory, but theres no indication he is pro for himself - correct.

I dont want to suggest that we become 'open' since that's not what I want, if its not the brother I'm not bothered about introducing anyone else at this point.

I obviously cant discuss anything in too much detail with the brother, so I don't know *exactly* what he thinks. (eta - he is pretty open about wanting a relationship and children, but obviously not in relation to me, he would never say that!) If he made a pass at me it wouldn't advance my cause, he'd just a be a dirty cheater imo. nothing could ever happen until my husband was on board.
 
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He doesn't live in our house either, we just live at our business premises and so we hang out a LOT, share facilities etc. I have tried to include him in our socialising so that he gets to meet other women but he refuses every time, he is one of the most extreme introverts you'd ever be likely to meet i think? I'm a very easygoing person who doesnt mind that, I see how witty and clever he is and dont care if he goes out or not (and I say that as a sister in law not a letch!). other women just dont seem to like it. :(
 
Hi 2muchlove,

The only way I can think of to find out if your husband would be okay with you getting involved with his brother, is to come out and ask him. You'll have to be the judge of how your husband would react, you know him better than I do. It would be good if you could find out, though.

I hope you'll let us know what you decide, and how it goes.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is this something you want because you're in love with your brother-in-law, or because you feel bad for him that he hasn't been able to find a committed partner so you figure you should fill in the gap? Genuine question; it's hard to tell from your initial post.

In polyamory, most--though not all--people who are starting off from a committed relationship, or who form a committed relationship with someone they're polying with, have what some call a "messy list." People that are completely off-limits to get involved with because of the huge potential for drama and trouble. Most of the time, that list includes any and all family members. So even if your husband is open to poly as a concept, or even if he were open to you and him exploring poly, I would say there's probably a fair to middling chance that there's no way in hell he's going to be okay with you polying with his brother.

Just my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't even consider getting involved with the sibling of a partner, because the idea kind of squicks me out, but that's me; other people have to live their own lives, and I try not to tell them how they "should" or "shouldn't" do that because it's not really any of my business.
 
I do really like him, but i simply cannot allow myself to be in love with him and have stopped any thoughts that way and we dont even hug, let alone anything else. If I was allowed to, I would love him. I am currently NOT allowed though and I know that. I have always had a poly bent though, long before meeting husband, I just assumed it would never happen. I didnt think about it when we got together; I had no idea who the brother was and assumed he would be having relationships etc like normal people? We've just all grown close, they obviously started very close and me and husband were soulmates but we work together well as a 3. Which is also why I'm scared of running the risk of wrecking it and asking here.
 
"Having relationships like normal people"? What does that even mean? What are "normal people", to begin with, and how does one have a relationship?

People are people. Some want relationships. Some don't. I have a high school friend who chose to never get married or have children, because she didn't want the stress and wanted to focus on her career. Does that make her abnormal?

Country is asexual and has never dated. She's only 17; there's still time. But if she were to have a relationship, she wouldn't be sexually involved with her partner, and she isn't sure she's going to have a relationship anyway; right now she says she would prefer to adopt kids and not deal with the hassle of a spouse or live-in partner. Is she abnormal?

You are assuming your brother-in-law "should" be in some kind of "normal" relationship, whatever it is that means to you. Are you sure he even wants to be? Are you sure he's not asexual, or aromantic, or homosexual, or just not interested in being with someone else at all ever? You say he's "desperate for a family," but is this something he's expressed to you or something you're assuming? And, as in the example above with Country, wanting a *family* doesn't necessarily mean wanting a *relationship*; there are tons of kids who need adopting, and plenty of single parents who go the in vitro or surrogate routes to have kids without a partner.

Sorry... I'm polyamorous, Hubby is sort-of-bisexual (he says it's a 70/30 split in favor of heterosexuality and has only been with one guy when he was about 19), Alt is gender fluid and demisexual and prefers online-only relationships because they're less pressure, and Country, as I said, is asexual and can't decide what, if anything, her romantic orientation is. So any time someone says "like normal people", it kinda raises my hackles.
 
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Re (from 2muchlove):
"No one's got any tips on the perfect icebreaker for a husband then?"

Not really! I wonder if "the perfect" icebreaker even exists. Truth be told, I want to say just discuss poly in general first, before mentioning your brother-in-law, but then I think it's too weighty of a matter to cushion like that and it would only anger your husband if you tried. So maybe the first thing to say to him is, "Honey, I think I have feelings for your brother."

I think what's messy for some people isn't messy for others. I have standing permission to date either of my partner's sisters, if only they were interested. [shrug] And I knew a lady at one time that was happily partnered with twin brothers. There's even a movie about "poly with two brothers," and it's one of my favorite movies ever: "December Bride" (1990).

All you can do is figure out what's right for you. One would think that one couldn't go wrong in telling one's spouse the simple truth. But, some spouses would react poorly to that truth, and you have to decide if your husband is one of those spouses. Alas that I can't make that decision for you, I know it would make things easier.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is possibly destroying your husband's relationship with his brother worth it?
 
I would say do NOT just blurt out that you have feelings for your bil.

You say hubby defends poly. That's good. The next step would be to see if he would favor opening up your marriage. Even if he does it is still a delicate situation.
 
You wondered if anyone else here had experienced something similar to your situation...

There is a member here, JadeDoor (not actively posting of late), who was dating her husband's brother. If I recall, all sorts of shit hit the fan and she and her husband divorced - but she rebuilt her life afterwards and was doing well. Her blog:
Thoughts from a 2013 newbie


In this thread, a woman whose marriage was recently "opened" wants to know how to tell her husband that she wants to date his brother. I believe things turned out well:
At the Cross-Roads


One member posted about how he was struggling with feelings for his wife's sister. His thread:
Limerence toward my wife's sister


Another member here was, with his wife's consent, dating her daughter (technically his stepdaughter; he maintained that he was never in a parenting role with her). He has an intro thread, a blog thread, and this one, where you can find links to the other two:
Forced to hide our 'Poly' lifestyle.


Here is the blog thread of a bi woman who married the girlfriend of her brother and his wife:
Tangled Up, So in Love, and Sweet Tea Kissin' Off of Her Lips


In this thread, a woman asks our opinions about wanting to boink her daughter's FWB:
Strange, strange situation: Need advice


And here, one of our members brings up the topic of dating siblings for general discussion:
Siblings

HTH!
 
Sorry... any time someone says "like normal people", it kinda raises my hackles.

That's OK, I used it as a lazy kind of shorthand and apologise, I'm all for people doing whatever they want if they are consenting adults and I will cheerlead for them all the way!

Re: my bil, he makes no secret of fancying women and has openly said in front of me that he does not have no family through choice. I realise you're all only reading words in black and white here but it's obvious to me who spends a lot of time with him etc. However, I'm open to the possibility he could be gay, and compensating by making a thing out of 'chasing' women (but never actually going and getting one) but if he is, he has kept it deadly secret so long he obviously has his reasons for that. Sadly I think one of those reasons could be his religious family and the community we live in, which makes me sick tbh. I really hope this is not the case, but I'm worried he'd be *very* offended if I asked him about it, or not tell me the truth anyway.
 
Thanks for the links to the threads and the examples in RL, it's good to know I'm not some kind of evil deviant for dreaming this up, even if it doesnt go anywhere :D

I think, without knowing obvs, that telling my husband that I definitely WANT an open relationship with any old bod pulled off the street would be hurtful to him, I think he would understand more that I had developed feelings for BIL, but to just say 'i have feelings for BIL' without any qualifications of 'but that doesnt change how i feel about you' would be a bit of a death knell for the marriage for sure.

I will ask husband about the poly thing again, we have talked about it a few times in general terms and he knows I am very pro and he's very accepting of the way others live, like I am. He would passionately defend gay rights, but he would never want to touch another man. Could easily be like that! ETA: I just remembered the time he told me that if he died he'd leave me to his brother in his will! Was a joke no doubt, but at least his mind is open enough for that joke, most people would never ever go there I'm thinking?
 
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In my teen years I had few "why on earth I put myself in this situation" thought. Since then I'd established some rules.

  • Don't date friends. (one night stands are ok)
  • Don't date friends of EXs.
  • Don't date friends of family members.
  • Don't date EXs.

. . . and few more.

He is your friend, family and coworker. CAREFUL. Sounds like you have a nice things going on now. If your poly relationship goes bad . . . it'll be a very difficult situation for all of you.

Before you do anything I suggest you to talk to your husband. Have a clear conversation.
 
Those in glass houses should not throw stones.

Those who live in hay barns should avoid barbecuing or lighting off fireworks in them.

Tiny little skinny men should not pick bar fights with giant, angry drunken men.

Nuf said. :p
 
You're a wise man, River. :)
 
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