For those of you with live-in primaries...

foxflame88

New member
Ugh! Not even sure where to begin with this one... but it's nagging the hell out of me. :(

My partner started chatting with someone new online the other day. Told me about her, yada yada, yada. Yesterday afternoon, he tells me she asked him out to a movie. (He never said he accepted.) Shortly after, we have sex. I head for the shower after and try to coax him in with me. He refuses and then LEFT! He was gone a few hours, and when he came home, did not say a word to me. I went to bed.

This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed. :mad: He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.

How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.
 
I guess I'm one that would rather make the first move than wait for someone else to do it. Meaning I'd sooner ask him what his deal is and tell him how I feel than wait for him to come around. :eek: And I'd be upset, too...

Do you know for sure he went out with this person or is it just assumed based on what he said and him leaving? Until he says that's what happens, no sense getting upset that that is it.

I'm not the best to answer any more than that, but good luck!
 
I am pro-upfront communication. So I would say-go talk to him.

Personally-if Maca, GG or Mimi left the house "abruptly" without a goodbye-I'd first assume there was an emergency, but if I found out not, I'd be pissed, and I daresay the feeling is mutual.

We simply don't DO that type of thing. We always tell each other if we're leaving. Simple matter of general respect....
 
I would be irritated in your position. However, I think the best approach is to say something now instead of wait.
 
How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.

What an odd circumstance. Why would he not say where he was going and with who? I find that odd.

Why also would you want to wait until he asks? That is rather passive aggressive don't you think? Games like that just don't work. They are aimed at being able to say, "you never noticed" and "you think you can do that to me" etc. Not helpful. Really, in a situation like that you would be the one to blame in the end for the down fall of communication because you didn't ask what was up. Didn't express what is going on for you and how you feel. Two bad communication styles don't make for a good one I reckon.
 
I would also be upset, you don't sound unreasonable at all. He hasn't been communicating with you, then he disrupted your sleep in the morning. That's a pet peeve for me, my husband is also guilty of the multiple-snooze. When he hits the 2nd snooze, I ask him to turn off the alarm.

If I may ask, I wonder if there isn't more going on? For him to just up and leave like that sounds like a symptom of a deeper problem. Assuming he went out on a movie date with internet-girl, I'm having trouble understanding how your relationship has room for polyamory when it's lacking the basic communication of announcing when you're going out and talking when you get home and in the morning.

There's definitely some conversation that needs to happen here. He needs to know how you're feeling, and you need to know what he's doing and thinking.
 
I would have to agree with RedPepper. Are you poly? Did he have a date? Did you ask about it? Open communication makes being poly SO much easier.
 
Are y'all poly? I thought poly meant transparent? Doesn't sound like there is much transparency here -- sounds more of cheating - that he's hiding this relationship -- for me, that's not healthy. I, too, would be asking questions. Beats the heck out of wondering.
 
He refuses and then LEFT! He was gone a few hours, and when he came home, did not say a word to me. I went to bed.

I would be seriously pissed at this point. Don't leave without talking to me, without communicating where you're going or giving me an *idea* (as in - in a couple 3 hours) when you'll be back.

This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed.

I am the multiple snooze girl. But I shut mine off before he wakes up. However I can understand the :mad:

He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.

I would now be BEYOND pissed.

I also don't do well without communicating. I need to talk. I can't go to bed mad - although I'm *mostly* ok with going to bed upset. The lack of communication would have me extremelly angry and upset and ....

How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.

Game playing doesn't work. And waiting to see if he notices or asks is a game... and everyone loses. There's no winner.

Talk to him. Explain how you're feeling "When you left last night, I felt ____ because ______. When you wouldn't talk to me this morning, I felt ____ because _____." And let it go from there. But he needs to know HOW you feel and WHY.

Just as a precautionary note though - as much as you might want to - calling him a selfish self-centered asshole really won't solve anything ;)

I feel for you... I would be seriously upset by the lack of communication.

Jane
 
To clarify, yes , I am certain he went to the movie with her. Yes, we are poly. I don't have issue with the fact that he went on a date, just the manner in which THIS date happened.

So last night, he got home from work, and continued to ignore me, aside asking what I made for dinner. I ended up going to bed upset again, this time crying myself to sleep. About 5am, I couldn't take it anymore, and sent him an email telling him how I feel. Hoping he will talk tome about it later. ~sigh~
 
Last edited:
So last night, he got home from work, and continued to ignore me, aside asking what I made for dinner. I ended up going to bed upset again, this time crying myself to sleep. About 5am, I couldn't take it anymore, and sent him an email telling him how I feel. Hoping he will talk tome about it later. ~sigh~

Why did you wait so long? Personally I have found that the sooner I address an issue the sooner it is dealt with and no longer is an issue. When things are left for longer than they need to be they get bigger and take on a life of their own within a relationship. Any relationship! friendship, parent child relationship and certainly a love one!

I'm not sure if leaving it so long was the best thing to do. It could of been a short conversation of "where did you go" "why didn't you tell me" and "next time I would appreciate some consideration when you are going to go out with someone and here is how"... end of story, no need to fret and no need to have this last days on end.
 
I waited because I knew if I didn't, my anger would take over the conversation. We've talked about the situation. He said he knew I was upset as soon as he got home from the movie, but was "too busy" to talk. ~eyeroll~ (He was busy chatting online and playing a video game.)

As for all day yesterday, all he could say was "why didn't you tell me what was bothering you?" Admiittedly, I should have spoken up. But I was really feeling insignificant to him, like I (and my feelings) didn't matter. ugh (yes, I know, vicious circle... we both need to work on communicating.) I want him to start offering up information without me having to pull it out of him, and he wants me to speak up when I'm upset.

Even though we have talked, he STILL doesn't think he did anything wrong. He did however apologize for hurting my feelings and allowing it to continue as long as it did without asking me about it.
 
I'm still not sure how this all happened. What's wrong with acting out of anger? Anger is there to propell us into what is hurting us. To get to the root of issues. I wonder if you had just expressed what you felt in the moment; anger and all, if you would feel that sense of insignificance. I know when I let myself be angry and call people on their shit, then it gets me to the end of it quickly and keeps things simple. Whats your experience of anger that you feel like it should pass before you talk?

I doubt anyone could ever read your mind. Can you read his? I'm not sure its fair to expect him to know what to say or ask. Why not tell him, give him the words. After a time I find that people begin to get what I expect of them and them of me. Assuming and expectations don't seem to work in my opinion. People are selfish and think of themselves its natural to. That's why we need to use that selfishness and tell them what I need from them. Often they are grateful. Of course often the way I say it is playful and in the moment. I don't let anything sit unless I don't understand it. Getting it out there is really important to everyones sanity. At least for me anyways.
 
Aw Foxflame, this is a terrible situation, and kind of bewildering. Did he think he told you he was going? Sometimes they just don't get that specifics would be better than open ended. I am hoping it all works out soon. I think you should just ask, he obviously doesn't realize what you are interpreting here.:(
 
ugh.gif
Ok, now I am beyond livid. We actually did a lot of talking today. I started feeling a bit better about him continuing to see her and see where thier budding relationship might go... he's been chatting with her a good part of the night, I even briefly chatted with her, and she is supposed to meet me this weekend, before they go out again. He mentioned they might have an overnight visit soon. I'm a little concerned, and tell him so.

He just took a shower and I asked him if I could read his chat log with her. He allowed me to read it.... she made a comment about "not usually sleeping with someone on a first meeting." I fucking went off. I am so mad.
 
So, I want to see if I understand this right:

He told you he had decided to meet this woman, but not specifically when.

You two had sex, then he got dressed and left without saying a word, and went out and got laid by the Internet woman.

Then he came back to bed with you and didn't speak to you until late the next day.

Is that pretty much how it went down?
 
So, I want to see if I understand this right:

He told you he had decided to meet this woman, but not specifically when.

You two had sex, then he got dressed and left without saying a word, and went out and got laid by the Internet woman.

Then he came back to bed with you and didn't speak to you until late the next day.

Is that pretty much how it went down?


....

I really hope you are misreading the situation. But I think that you have pretty much summed it up.
 
....

I really hope you are misreading the situation. But I think that you have pretty much summed it up.

The way I was originally going to say it was much, much more crude.

I'm trying to stick to the facts. I have a tendency toward editorializing things.
 
So, I want to see if I understand this right:

He told you he had decided to meet this woman, but not specifically when.

You two had sex, then he got dressed and left without saying a word, and went out and got laid by the Internet woman.

Then he came back to bed with you and didn't speak to you until late the next day.

Is that pretty much how it went down?

No, he NEVER told me that he had decided to meet her... just that she asked him out. He never said he accepted.
No, he did NOT come home and go to bed with me. We have slept seperatly since his "date" and after finding out he had sex with her, I am glad!
 
The way I was originally going to say it was much, much more crude.

I'm trying to stick to the facts. I have a tendency toward editorializing things.

With the greatest respect to your editorializing, I would be amazed if anything any of us could add would trump the simple, brief summary.
 
Back
Top