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  #21  
Old 02-05-2016, 11:48 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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  #22  
Old 02-07-2016, 03:21 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
Lets see, if we take gender out of this where we would be. One parter works full time and makes the majority of the household income. The other partner is home the majority of the time. Which perso would generally be responsible for the upkeep of the home?
OK, take gender out of it...and you have my household. I (female) work full time and makes all of the household income. The boys, who are home all of the time, do all of the shopping and cooking and car maintenance - because those things affect them directly. Who does the cleaning? Well, generally, NO ONE! The house is a mess, always. Just saying.

No kids.
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  #23  
Old 02-08-2016, 07:36 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Bringing in a second "mom" to pick up your man's slack isn't going to be a stable, long lasting fix unless you hire someone. This is why people who can afford it have maids and nannies, especially when the children come along. That said, there are plenty of men who are responsible and aware and are fully formed grown ups about keeping the household. I wouldn't be asking how I can get another woman to be another slave in the house, but why am I so drawn to a man who is so very NOT interested in taking care of me and our shared living space? Relationships always reflect the stories we've got going about ourselves, so why are you struggling along with a partner who is so terribly disrespectful and childlike? There are gobs of men who are not this way and it is not a societal norm at all anymore that men sit around and expect their woman to pick up after them and do everything else around the house. The societal norms actually don't matter, anyway. It doesn't matter what anyone else finds tolerable or intolerable. What matters is that this is important to you and it would be fruitful for you to think more about why you've drawn this situation to yourself. "Poly" or a selfless friend or even a paid nanny won't be enough to fix why you're with someone who challenges you daily about what a happy home means to you.

This. I wouldnt try to fix him, he has to want to fix himself. If you want him to step up, it might take a long long time...And may never work. All you can do is assert your boundaries. the only thing that worked for me was to say, I was done, (Ending relationship)and then change happened. But what worked even better was leaving ex-husband, and finding someone who DOES clean, respect his own space and those around him. That works best...

FYI, have not read all other replies. Will read more and reply on other posts.
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  #24  
Old 02-08-2016, 09:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I wonder if FemmePoly has thoughts about the responses here. I would love to read them. I hope she has not decided to interact here anymore.
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  #25  
Old 02-08-2016, 11:19 PM
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I hope our input has been of some help to FemmePoly regardless of if she responds, and in any case, I hope she'll respond.

Her profile indicates that her last activity was when she first posted (and there has only been one post). I don't know if she has read any of the responses to her post.
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  #26  
Old 02-11-2016, 01:43 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I wonder if FemmePoly has thoughts about the responses here. I would love to read them. I hope she has not decided to interact here anymore.
Just flagging this because I think it's a typo, Opal. You meant, "I hope she has not decided to stop interacting here," right?

I think this is a good thread with good advice, hope she responds!
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  #27  
Old 02-11-2016, 01:53 AM
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Or, maybe others will read the thread, and be benefited by it.
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  #28  
Old 02-11-2016, 02:03 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I have a lot of sympathy for FemmePoly. When I left college severely depressed and moved back home, I was home all the time while my parents both worked, yet I couldn't get any chores or cleaning done because I was struggling daily with depression and anxiety. My mom was kind of mad at me because it wasn't clear what I was doing all day (and indeed I wasn't doing much except lying around consumed by anxiety). A neighbor of ours finally recommended we hire her cleaning person, and we did, and it was a great solution.

Having someone else do the cleaning actually really helped my anxiety significantly (along with other mental health treatment options). Soon after, I got a part-time job, was able to contribute to paying the cleaning person, and then went back to school.

I still can't stand cleaning--it's just not a chore I like. I always budget in a cleaning service into my living arrangements.

I'm pretty messy in general, so I would not be a good candidate for your "Chore Wife Needed" search.

I'm of two minds about your boyfriend. 1) He sounds like a man-child. 2) But also, my partner has similar issues where he can't "see" mess. It drives me nuts, I've accepted that this is just how he is, and it's balanced by other things he is awesome at.

ALSO I DO NOT LIVE WITH HIM AND NEVER WOULD. Also he has a cleaning service that comes even more frequently than mine.

I think you are missing a solution that might be even better than "find a second wife to help do chores and clean-up after my man-child." Which is: STOP LIVING TOGETHER. Live separately. Get apartments next to each other, or two halves of a duplex, or whatever.

Partners can live separately and still be committed. I identify as solo poly, meaning that I do not want to live with a partner. It is awesome.

I also agree with what others have said: it sounds like he wants you to make chore lists for him, he needs lists and doesn't feel like you are nagging when you do it. My mom was like you with my dad--she FIERCELY resented that she had to make lists and remind and remind and remind him to do basic things. She never accepted it--that my dad functions really well when you give him a chore list, even though it is like giving such a list to a child. He's happy getting lists--but my mom never allows herself to be happy making him lists.

Also, I think you are conflating two separate issues here: the cleaning problem and the to-have-or-not-to-have-children issue. Two different things.

If you feel like you can't raise children because of your mental health issues, are you happy with that decision? Or do you wish you could raise children? Do you hope your boyfriend will have children with someone else and that you could be a part of raising them?

Does it bother you that he won't marry you unless you agree to bear his children?

Just questions to think about. I don't mean any judgment by them--my living-separately-partner might want to have a children some day, but I don't, but I hope he finds someone else to have them with while still being able to date me. I would be happy being an auntie to his kids. And yeah, he would probably marry the person he has kids with, but won't marry me. But that works for me and my life.
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2016, 03:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm a woman who lives with a female partner. She's a slob.

For the first 3 years of our relationship, we each had our own apartment. I had to think long and hard about sharing a living space. Every weekend I went to spend at her place, I'd do her dishes from the week first thing. It bothered me to see them lying all over the counter, the sink, and around the house. She didn't see them, she didn't mind them. She isn't one to pick up after herself as she goes, or to clean up dishes and put away ingredients as she cooks.

She also is not one to put away her clothes, whether they are freshly washed or dirty. After a trip, she'd leave her suitcase on her bedroom floor, literally for months, with items in it she packed for her trip but didn't need to take out once she got home.

She suffers from anxiety and depression (despite meds and therapy helping a lot), and it causes her to procrastinate. Her father is a hoarder and she grew up in chaos. Her mom tried to keep the kitchen neat, but the rest of the house was a pile of hoarded items and half finished projects.

She does many things I can't do. She's a whiz with high tech stuff and keeps our computers and phones working. She knows more about cars than I do. She downloads music and TV shows and movies for us in ways I never could. She's great at fixing things, nailing, screwing, repairing. She's a great cook. She gives me cuddles and kisses all day long, and sex once or twice a week. She makes me laugh. She reads books and articles and shares inspiring interesting ideas with me. She does important volunteer work with kids with special needs. She encourages me in my dating men, to get male attention and boy sex (since her libido doesn't match mine).

She is also physically handicapped and literally can't do some of the stuff I do, like shoveling snow or heavy yard work. (I've hired someone to plow the driveway.)

So, when we finally got a place together, we found a house that had space for her messes. We sleep in the same room, but it's "my" room. I keep it organized and neat. She has a small bedroom for her clothes and personal items. She has the small half bath off our bedroom as "her" bathroom, to scatter all her toiletries around. The hall bath is my bath and I keep it neat.

I do her laundry (something else which is hard for her to do), but I lay the clean folded clothes on top of one of her dressers, and it usually doesn't get put away. I throw some of her messes (things she leaves lying around the kitchen or living room) into this room too.

We have a full basement with a family room. The large laundry room is also my project and craft room. I keep these rooms clean and organized, although she does usually bring up her used glasses and dishes and food packets, since she often drinks and eats in the family room after I go to bed. There is also a storage area downstairs that is "her" workshop, and that is usually a mess. I just close the door on it and mentally roll my eyes when she complains she can't find something.

Sometimes she bitches at me when I declutter the kitchen, living room, family room, and she can't find something of hers. I just let her deal with her difficulty finding whatever it is. I may or may not remember exactly where I put it.

I was raised with the idea of "a place for everything, and everything in its place." She wasn't. If she cleans, it's a big twice yearly project of accumulated messes, not a daily pickup like I do.

Like the OP's bf, she wants a kid. But I also feel more like she is the kid, and I am her mom. Last thing we need is an infant's diapers and clothes lying around with poop and spit-up on them, or the messes toddlers and older kids and teens make! The spilled food and drink, the toys and sports equipment, the school books and backpacks! (I had 3 kids in my former life, BTDT.)

We've talked about the issue of me feeling more like her mom than her lover sometimes, and we have worked this out to our satisfaction. Am I perfectly happy with our arrangement around household chores? No. Can I live with it though? Yes. I have just come to accept we have different standards, and I am pretty chill with it.

I wouldn't bring another woman into our home to help clean it, or raise our hypothetical kid. I do have a boyfriend usually, and the nicer ones occasionally help us with heavy home maintenance work, as does my grown son. But who is to say another partner in the house wouldn't just bring their own messes along? Yikes!
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  #30  
Old 02-11-2016, 03:38 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Just flagging this because I think it's a typo, Opal. You meant, "I hope she has not decided to stop interacting here," right?

I think this is a good thread with good advice, hope she responds!
Yes, that's indeed what I meant. Wording hard sometimes. Thanks Meera!
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