Starting my poly life

Things seem to be going better since Tonberry and I talked over things both here and in person. They're still not perfect, I have a lot of work to do on my depression and self-esteem issues, but since making the decision that I can't put gettting therapy off anymore I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It also helps that I've added one more person to the circle of those in the know. I recently got back in touch with one of my closest friends of a few years ago, who is both like a little sister to me and one of my closest confidants. While she was a bit worried at first when she heard about Sean, it didn't take her long to see that it's all part of me loving Tonberry for who she is, and she's happy that we're both mature enough in our feelings to have the relationship that's right for us.
When I talked about getting therapy she told me about the good it's done for her lately, and that's encouraging to hear.

I'm confident that things will get better for Tonberry and I, although I know we'll have our hiccups and setbacks.
 
Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. :confused: Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol. :D
 
Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. :confused: Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol. :D

haha @ eastenders :D
 
Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. :confused: Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol. :D

I'm not going to comment on the Americans, being Canadian myself, but for me therapy is something that I should have had a long time ago. I've been dealing with depression for 25 years, and I'm only 33. When I was 8 years old a friend and classmate of mine, an aboriginal boy who had been bounced from foster home to foster home committed suicide, and our class was told by the teacher he did it "because he had no friends". Then that was it. No grief councellor was brought in, the school didn't call our parents, and the only mention of it after that was when the teacher told us she'd been to the funeral over the lunch break... the class wasn't even allowed to say goodbye. I had to learn to cope with suicide at 8 after essentially being told I was to blame... so yes, I have problems with depression and I need help. I've also thought of tracking down that teacher and either mailing her a long letter telling her what a monster she was for that and/or egging her house. That may come with time.
 
I wanted to wait until I had more details, but I feel I can't really hold it anymore...

So, I have feelings for a man I call my interest. I started feeling that way around March and that's why I joined the forum. I've developed deeper and stronger feelings for him throughout. However he is very busy and things kept getting in the way of us getting closer: I had to cancel a trip due to immigration reasons, he moved away in September, things like that.

Well yesterday I was talking on the forums where we met with a friend we have in common, and she told me that the trip I missed taking (where I had fantasized about meeting him, hooking up and so on), well basically SHE did. She also made it clear she doesn't want to share.

It's a bit weird. It hit me so hard. I felt devastated. I'm happy for him but also feeling really bad about the whole situation. I'm very grateful for the support I got from my husband and boyfriend, who help make it a bit easier. But mostly, it still seems unreal, and not true. Like no, that hasn't actually happened. I keep remembering it, like I forget then remember several time in the span of a minute. It's very weird.

The situation is weird too. Basically she sent me a PM asking if I had cyber-sex with him, because although I'm poly, she's not and would very much mind. I replied that I didn't, although I had been after him since March, and what did she meant she minded, were they a couple?
To which she said they were, and that she'd tell me everything because she was dying to talk about it, and to keep it a secret.

Sean pointed out that it's weird for someone to randomly ask someone else "is my boyfriend cheating on me with you?" and that it means she either doesn't trust him, or they haven't stated they're being exclusive. Also, he was there at the trip in question and says his impression was that she was dragging him around and he was following reluctantly.
He insisted that he's not just trying to cheer me up, he's just very doubtful over the whole thing. As far as he's concerned, they either had a fling that she sees as something bigger, or she's just plain lying.

I wouldn't go that far, but I'm very curious about what she'll have to tell me. I wanted to wait after then before I talked about it, but I do feel the need to talk about it, and since she's asked me to keep it quiet, I can't really talk about it to any friends who also know her or him...
I did tell my husband and boyfriend, but both had to deal with me crying, I wasn't about not to tell them what was going on.

I also find it weird that after I told her I've been in love with the guy for basically 8 months, she's still very enthusiastic about sharing every single detail. While I'm glad because I'd rather know, she's not sending a very compassionate vibe there.
I'm also slightly bitter because she did say about... I think four months ago, maybe more, that she wouldn't go after the guy and that I "could have him". While I do believe she genuinely wasn't interested in him at the time, and I can see how such promises aren't that easy to keep, I resent her for not even acknowledging it, since I did mention it to her and she just ignored it. I feel she should at least take responsibility for that or something.


Right now, I have to admit, I'm just feeling weird about the whole thing. I'd rather have him happy than not, and if he has a gf I'd rather it be someone who can give me insider information rather than it staying completely unknown. I'm also pretty much out of touch with him by now and that would be a way to stay in touch. And finally, I have to say I am still hoping. I'm thinking maybe a few years from now they might split up, or be willing to open up or something. I have no doubt I'll still be in love with him then, so my worry is simply, will I have the opportunity to stick around? It's very easy for people to kick you out of their lives when your only contacts are through the Internet.
Also, I say I'm still hoping, but I'm not planning on pushing it. I'd be extremely satisfied being "just friends". I might discuss her boundaries and see if she would be okay with something along the lines of a non-sexual girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or a close friendship, or something.
Of course, the way he feels about the whole thing will be the most important. I'm waiting to hear back from her with more on the story, then I'll contact him to tell him congrats on being with her, and I hope they're happy, or something along those lines.

So yeah, big news for me... I'm surprised how in some ways it changes everything, and in some ways it changes nothing. A lot of pain and "what if" and "if only", but also a lot of positive things as well, somehow. I'm definitely glad I'm not going through this alone.
 
Sean and I are always here for you whenever you feel like you need to let it out.

I can really understand the feeling that you'll still be in love with your interest in a few years and be willing to wait. The other day when I was working with J and she fell asleep at work... I finally admitted to myself that I love her, and I know that there will always be a place for her in my life if she chooses to accept it.

I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.

Sean and I love you, and if your interest finds love for you too we'll welcome him into our family, just like I know you will if J ever sees me like I see her.
 
I finally admitted to myself that I love her, and I know that there will always be a place for her in my life if she chooses to accept it.

Finally! :p Up till now, every time you said "I could see myself falling in love with her" I kept thinking "I saw it happen already!"

I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.

I was thinking the same thing. It's relaxing, and zen, to think that it doesn't really matter as much. Things aren't a one-time thing and then you've missed your chance, not necessarily. You don't need to wait for someone, or rather, you don't have to refrain from other things while you do. You can just wait and see, and be happy either way, with the partners you do have, and possibly with that one person becoming your partner at some point.

I think that's one of the biggest thing in helping me cope. On the one hand I have a lot of support from both of you, and on the other hand I also know that things could still happen. They could break up, or she could feel more comfortable with sharing, or something. I don't know, and I don't worry as much about it. I have a more serene approach, I guess, taking things as they come, and sure sometimes they're unpleasant, but since you can't do anything about them, it's good to just work through them and keep going.
 
So, I heard from the friend.
She says that they're not really together - he doesn't want a LDR, he's had one before and it didn't work (sounds like such a silly reason, obviously none of his short distance relationships have worked either, so...). But something happened between them. She's not willing to tell me what, but she couldn't tell me what colour his eyes are so it makes me wonder how much really happened.

It seems she has feelings for him and they talk regularly. He apparently made it clear that they're not in a relationship, but she's determined to move and give it a try from up close.

So I guess she's in a situation similar to mine except she has more contacts with him, something has happened with him at some point and she's liked him for much, much less time.

I'm not sure where it leave me. Honestly, I'm not sure I care. I always thought he was too busy to have much contact with me, but he's been having much more contact with her, so I'm going to say he doesn't like me. Which sucks, but that's that.

Oh well. I'll get over it eventually, and who knows how things might evolve?
 
I'm in kind of a weird mental place today. J has her first date with a guy she met through the dating service that she's really excited about, and I'm both happy for her and completely jealous at the same time. It's not the most pleasant feeling. I know in a situation like this jealous isn't unexpected, but I'm still feeling like I shouldn't be feeling it either...

I'm also somewhat worried that my moods are leading me to consider some poorly thought through ideas. Yesterday, on a whim, I sent off a message to the girl I used to like in junior high but never told. Not a weird message, just trying to reconnect, but maybe I'm hoping we'll hit it off, subconsiously? Of course I was looking up other people I used to know too, and have become convinced my best friend from elementary school's name is the Vietnamese equivalent of John Smith...
 
Over the last few days I've been feeling a little better about some things in my life, I think I'm finally starting to accept that J doesn't return my feelings and likely never will. It wasn't a process I could rush, as much as I might wish I could have. I still love her, I probably always will, but the time has come to move on.

I'm happy to have the love of my wonderful wife Tonberry and to know that there are people who support us both here and IRL. I'm sure that some day I'll meet someone again (I've been joking that I need to find a redhead to make Sean and a good friend of mine jealous, or to start a collection of hair colours) who will be interested in me as more than a friend, I just have to be patient and put myself out there a little more.
 
I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.

Just had a general conversation about this subject with bf last week. He was a little worried about a relationship I have had for 23 years (not hubs but a sort of LDR, more friendship at this point but someone I have loved for a long time. He is very mono and married with a beautiful family, but we are still very close.) Anyway prompted by a PM I had sent, I have kind of come to terms that I have been poly for a very long time. I felt terrible guilt at first but then almost immediate anger towards bf (and someone else). Bf knew about LDR but just never realized the depth and kind of thought I should be over it. I know it is his own insecurity but I did feel I had to defend my reason for loving someone I have known since I was a teen. But then I realized because of the LDR factor he has never had to really deal with the reality of it. So yes, there will always be a place in my heart but my life has moved on and encompassed alot more. And I am so happy and content and looking forward to my future with bf that the LDR really does not factor into my daily thoughts. Actually bf offers the kind of intimacy I needed and never had with anyone else, not hubs and not LDR. So I hope he is less insecure but also that he realizes some things aren't meant to "get over" there are people who will always live in your heart but move on in a sense and there are people who occupy your entire being. 2Rings is the latter. So is my husband. I am really happy to have found my soulmate. I am really happy to have a loving, supportive husband who has given me four beautiful children. I am happy to have discovered my polyness. I am a happy and blessed girl.
I hope you are too Tonberry.
 
I hope you are too Tonberry.

Yes, I am incredibly happy. I did feel down about my interest, but I still love him, I hope to stay in touch with him to some extent and I'm rather zen about the whole thing. I have a husband and boyfriend I love and who love me, and I feel at this point there isn't much room in my life for a third one anyways... I'd manage if he was interested, but I'm fine putting it on the back burner and seeing later if anything is likely to ever happen or not.

In the meantime, I've very grateful for the two men I do have in my life and I'm certainly satisfied with them I don't feel that I "need more" in any way.
 
Yes, I am incredibly happy. I did feel down about my interest, but I still love him, I hope to stay in touch with him to some extent and I'm rather zen about the whole thing. I have a husband and boyfriend I love and who love me, and I feel at this point there isn't much room in my life for a third one anyways... I'd manage if he was interested, but I'm fine putting it on the back burner and seeing later if anything is likely to ever happen or not.

In the meantime, I've very grateful for the two men I do have in my life and I'm certainly satisfied with them I don't feel that I "need more" in any way.

Ah good for you! I love the way you and Ragabash interact. :)
 
I have my first appointment with my therapist on, appropriately, the first.

It seems a bit odd, in a way, to go to therapy when I am feeling a bit better, although that mostly applies to the depression. My anxiety problems are still very much present as evidenced by my panic attacks.

In general, though, things are looking up, and I'm hoping getting therapy will help Tonberry and I through some of the problems we've been having lately. I know it won't be a quick process, there's a lot of ground to cover, but it's a start.
 
Lately I've been in somewhat of a strange mental place, I guess.

It started out with J going on a date, and it looks like she and the guy have hit it off enough to go on a second date since. Tonberry has suggested that what I'm feeling might not be jealousy, as I've thought, but rather feeling neglected in some way. She did talk about keeping her options open soon after just-friending me, which stung more than a little, and it's not exactly good for the self-esteem to know that I wasn't even in the running as one of those options.
Whatever the feeling is, either jealousy or neglect, I don't like it in the least. It's good to see J happy, and I'd rather be feeling compersion than whatever it is I have.

Also fun is that J's shifts at work were changed so that I work with her all of my regular shifts, not just over half of them. If I wasn't an atheist I'd be wondering about some bad karma coming back to haunt me with that situation...

Not everything is so bad, though. I got a book in the mail the other day by one of my favorite authors (Michael Parenti) about one of my favorite subjects (history and political theory... yeah, I'm weird...), so that's picked up my mood a bit.
 
Well, it might still be jealousy. My point was that you don't feel that with me because you know I love you, and this got us closer. With J, you've had feelings for her for months, you asked her out and she said no, and since then she's been actively looking for someone, so you can't even tell yourself she doesn't want a relationship right now. It makes the rejection worse I'm sure.
I think it's natural to feel bad and sad about it, although that doesn't mean you are any less of a person. I am with you, I married you and I love you, I know how wonderful you are. Similarly, there are many people you know and think are great but wouldn't want to start a relationship with.
I think J sees you as a coworker and friend, and is a bit weirded out by our relationship dynamics, but that's all about her and not about you. When it didn't turn out with my interest, I know I could fall back on the certitude that there was nothing wrong with me, because two wonderful men love me, and that it was just the way things were that he wasn't interested, that a relationship wasn't going to happen.
I think it would help for you to remember that I love you and that I'm a wonderful person with great taste, right? :p So obviously J's just missing out.
 
Tonight (in the middle of the night) I'm taking a bus to the city to pick up Seamus, my boyfriend, at the airport.
He'll then spend ten days with us for the holidays.

I'm extremely excited to be with both my guys at the same time. It will also be their first time meeting in person and I'm rather curious about how that will go.

Getting everything ready for the trip... Taking the 4 AM bus into the city, his plane arrives at 12:30, the last bus back in town will have left by then so we're taking Saturday's and spending the night in the city. That's why I'm packing clothes and stuff, although I only need a small bag.

I can't wait to see him again :D. It's been over three months since we last met in person.
 
Sean, Tonberry's boyfriend, is out visiting for a few days and it's been a lot of fun. We've so far managed to lose in every possible method playing Pandemic (a board game I bought for myself as a Christmas gift), and it's hasn't really seemed strange or awkward to me.
I've had a lot more time off to spend getting to know him than expected, too, due to being injured at work last Wednesday (one of the residents of the group home I work in attacked me, resulting in a contusion to my right shoulder), then reinjured my arm today on my first day back (the same person attacked me again)... Once more I can't help but feel the surest sign I'm completely insane is that I love my job. I'll be okay, though. Wounds heal, this won't be the first time and I won't be the last.
 
This might turn out to be a long update...

Tonberry is talking about leaving.

I started my therapy earlier this month, as well as anti-depressants, she feels like she'll get in the way of my feeling better while not being able to deal with her problems as long as she's here in Canada. I've also made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and broken more than a few promises, something that I'm hoping therapy will help me to not do anymore, but at this point I might have broken to many for my marriage to be saved.

To say the least, I'm depressed and scared right now.

I'm staying with family for a few days to give Tonberry some space to think about things, and in the meantime researching apartments in the Vancouver area so we can move in a couple months if she does decide to stay with me, which I'm hoping she will.

Beyond that, I'm just at a loss for what to do. She knows I love her, and she loves me too, but I don't know if that's enough to make things work right now. Even if I can learn not to make the same mistakes I always do, to keep falling into the same patterns, can it ever make up for all the times I've hurt her in the past by doing just that?
More than anything I wish I could go back five years and tell myself that my depression won't get better by itself, that I needed the help back then that I need and am getting now... but that can never happen.

I just don't know what to do...
 
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