Fun sex / Safe sex

"she should" <-- This is the crux of my problem with your advice. She "should" do what's best for her. She's decided that that doesn't include having a sexual relationship with someone who has a history of lying about his safer sex practices (did you miss that part above? kind of a big deal), and who are you to say differently with such authority? You don't know anything about how good or bad his judgment is when it comes to how trustworthy other people are -- some people are wonderful folks but terrible judges of character -- and yet you presume to know that she "should" be breaking her own limits when it comes to sexual safety.

Many, many people feel that being told they "should" accept a level of risk that they're not comfortable with in order to save a particular relationship prevents them enjoying that relationship, or feeling safe and happy and strong in general. I know I feel that way.

And with that, I think I've said everything I have to say that has a chance of usefully contributing to this thread, and am gonna step back.
 
]Don't you trust his judgement? Do you think he would have barrier free sex with someone who he isn't sure about? If so, that is your issue. I'd forget the poly thing altogether and work on establishing trust and respect.

I already said what she should do if her partner isn't trustworthy. As for him lying about using condoms, it might have been different if she gave him a way to have PIV sex. Even if it meant waiting a year. If you want people to be honest with you, you have to create an environment where they feel they can be.

As for should, we are in a forum, giving advice, we are all telling people what we think they should do. Regardless of how we phrase it.

Again, if Dana wants to save her marriage, she should look at ways to start having sex with her husband again.
 
"Again, if Dana wants to save her marriage, she should look at ways to start having sex with her husband again."

Sex was the least of the marital problems and is not the appropriate starting point. I made no ultimatums. I made a choice for myself.

As for female condoms, I use them with my male partner now. They work very well. If my husband was similarly willing to use them with others, he certainly could. He never offered it as an option. It was initially presented to me as an all or nothing deal. While I could assume the level of risk he presented for myself, I could NOT do so on behalf of my other partners. By engaging in a sexual relationship with him without protection, I would be relegating myself to never having unprotected sex with anybody. My other partners have been adamant about this. His main partner in recent years has a history of unprotected and random sex with virtual strangers. She is a wild card and this was my deal breaker.

And before you judge too harshly and make accusations about my relative level of effort in repairing this relationship, I would add that this man, after nearly 25 years together announced to me one day that he has been "poly" for the past 15 years and has engaged in nearly a dozen sexual relationships, all of them without protection, and all of them without my knowledge. I have spent the last several years on a journey of my own. I have taken more steps in his direction than most could have and came to have an independent appreciation for poly. However, what he was doing was NOT poly. I feel incredibly grateful that I did not contract an STD and that my own capacity to enjoy healthy sexual relationships in the future was not taken away. I'd rather like to keep it that way.
 
"Should" is just about the most useless word in the English language. More often than not, it stimulates guilt and shame rather than change and self-improvement.

It's bad enough for someone to tell others what they should or should not do. But to insist upon it as though they are the highest authority on another person's life is arrogant.

To top it off with shoulding from hypotheticals and inferences rather than personal experience actually dealing with the particular problem... well, that's just silly.

I find it incredibly ironic that someone who looks down her nose so much at people who are bossy and controlling would so frequently attempt to control not only the behaviour, but the very thoughts and beliefs of strangers on the internet. I mean, really.

Make your suggestions, fine. But when people say "thanks but no thanks" suck it up like a grown-up and accept that not everyone is going to do what you tell them to, and that this does not make them stupid, ignorant, or stubborn.
 
If anyone has a problem with any of my opinions of what people should do, kindly follow the helpful link in my signature.

Dana, my opinion remains the same. Obviously, your husband isn't trustworthy and doesn't respect you. Nothing can move forwards until that changes and I definitely feel making new relationships (ie polyamory) is not advisable until the situation is remedied and he is no longer being a disrespectful, untrustworthy partner. You guys are adults and it is up to you if you want to continue a romantic relationship despite this fundamental discord but it's the kind of negativity that other people quite unintentionally get pulled into and affected by. For that reason I am strongly feel that people in already dysfunctional relationships (I fail to see how a relationship can function in the absence of trust and respect) should be incredibly mindful of how their choice to become involved with others can cause those others harm.

I stand by everything I said about his ED, fluid bonding and all that, but that can only happen if you don't have reason to distrust your partner. You do. And my opinion is that if you want to have a chance of a happy marriage with trust and respect, the dyad should be your sole focus at the moment and other relationships should take a back seat. Especially as his other relationships were the cause of the distrust to begin with.
 
top it off with shoulding from hypotheticals and inferences rather than personal experience actually dealing with the particular problem... well, that's just silly.

I've had partners with ED. My first boyfriend aged 14 actually had some sort of ED as well as others I've had. I've had untrustworthy partners. I've been cheated on. I've cheated. This thread isn't a place to write my autobiography though. Trust, like most other people, my opinions about relationships in particular are based on first h,and or close second hand experience.
 
"Obviously, your husband isn't trustworthy and doesn't respect you. Nothing can move forwards until that changes"

This was a Promethean leap, given very little actual detail about a very complex situation. And this is not my thread...
 
I would add that this man, after nearly 25 years together announced to me one day that he has been "poly" for the past 15 years and has engaged in nearly a dozen sexual relationships, all of them without protection, and all of them without my knowledge.

So that is trustworthy, respectful behaviour? Oh, well if he is trustworthy and respectful of you I go back to what else I said: give him a way to fluid bond with other partners without having to give up sex with you. You've said he is trustworthy, so trust him to be worthy.
 
So that is trustworthy, respectful behaviour? Oh, well if he is trustworthy and respectful of you I go back to what else I said: give him a way to fluid bond with other partners without having to give up sex with you. You've said he is trustworthy, so trust him to be worthy.

Trustworthiness is not a black and white. And his disclosure was years ago. I am not going to distill very significant features of my relationship into a few sentences so it can fit nicely into a box for you. And this is NOT my thread. Please respect the OP and the rules for the group and stay on topic.

To the OP, I apologize for the distraction created here. Sexual health is such an important issue. I hope you got the answers you needed. If not, feel free to ask again.
 
Everything discussed in this thread has revolved around people having a "fun" and "safe" sex life. A key component of many if not most people's romantic relationships. It hasn't gone off topic.
 
If anyone has a problem with any of my opinions of what people should do, kindly follow the helpful passive-aggressive link in my signature.

If I have problems with the way you express your opinions, I prefer to bring them into the light of day rather than playing games.

Fear not, I have absolutely no expectation that you will change or become more helpful in the future. I respect your right to be stubborn and obstinate.

I choose to call you out more for the benefit of others who get sucked in to your games, to help them understand your tendency to express your opinions in a way that disregards the autonomy and experiences of others. Then, hopefully, they can choose to react to your words in a way that does not cause themselves to feel hurt, angry, or upset.

Hey, I get it. I myself used to think that the internet existed solely for the purpose of hearing myself speak, and that people asked questions with the deliberate intention of giving me a platform on which to be a know-it-all. Then I grew out of it. Now I actually try to help people make sense of their situation and get in touch with what's really going on in their lives. I'm not perfect at it, but hey, I'm not a professional. It's harder work and less fun, but far more rewarding. It feels nice when people respond to my words with gratitude and understanding rather than anger and belligerence.
 
I am completely uninterested in what you think about what I think so trying to confront me about it is pointless. Following me around and trying to warn people about me is bordering on obsessive and rather tiresome.

I think that instead of chasing me around trying to protect others from the evil London Lady, you should concentrate on ensuring your own advice to the members of the forum is apt and appropriate. If it is, you needn't worry, the people asking questions will gravitate towards the person they feel understands them best. My type of advice is the type of advice people wish they listened to when everything has gone tits up. That's fine, I can live with that.

Trying to stop me expressing myself the way I choose to isn't your job. Moderators can and do reign me in where they feel necessary. It seems they agree that me posting my opinions in the way I do isn't breaching any rules of the forum, regardless of how likable a trait it is.

So by all means continue on your resentful and bitter tirade, if it gives you that warm, fuzzy glow that you are in fact helping someone, but know that it is going to be absolutely futile. My opinions are just that, mine, and you won't change them, so maybe it's best just to hit ignore.
 
I am completely uninterested in what you think about what I think

I find it amusing that you demonstrate this with a post that's longer than the one you're "completely uninterested" in. I've always found that when I'm truly uninterested in something, I just move on. Just sayin.
 
I think one key to safe sex is just communication. My two married gay boyfriend swing with guys they meet online. They say they really check these guys out first. Chat with them online, get to know them. People generally list their HIV status online. Because I'm very involved with guy men, I tend to be focused on HIV status more that other STDs (aren't all of them except herpes curable?) My naivte here. So, if they meet someone who doesn't use condoms or is positive, they just move on.

I tend to be pretty easily stratified, so I find the more safe sex to be great! Ie, I love kissing, I love being fingered, giving hand jobs and so on. But again, I feel there is always a risk. Always. No matter what.

My husband has had very serious ED since a teenager. He has learned through patience and persistence to use a condom. I don't mean to be cruel, but to a certain extent, that is for the man to figure out, not the lover. I would absolutely not fuck someone because they say I have ED, can't use a condom. For me, for starters, that would put the responsibility of ME exclusively not to get pregnant and that's fucked up. I have empathy for men with ED, but I also am not willing to take responsibility for someone's sexuality. Esp since almost no guy I've been with has ever tried to give me an orgasm! LOL
 
Stds

Actually, I just had a funny thought. If you go on Scruff or Grinder people list their HIV status (and maybe other STDS). Why don't people do that on cupid? What makes heterosexuals less forthright? I don't think I've even been with a guy who asked ME before I asked HIM? What's up with that?
 
Actually, I just had a funny thought. If you go on Scruff or Grinder people list their HIV status (and maybe other STDS). Why don't people do that on cupid? What makes heterosexuals less forthright? I don't think I've even been with a guy who asked ME before I asked HIM? What's up with that?

When I was on OKC-I did. I can't imagine NOT doing so. Of course-I am very open about it with anyone, friend or foe. It's a fact that I have herpes. SO I really don't give a hot damn who knows. As far as I'm concerned it's just common knowledge.
 
Fun / safe Sex

Since my wives have generally recruited their best friends as potential wives, they pretty much know their sexual history, but our path has been no unprotected sex of any kind until testing returns an all clear.
We often required testing twice, once when they expressed interest and again when they became part of our family. It was more meaningful to save unprotected relations for rhe intimate time after vows to each other.
Hugs
 
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