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Old 01-12-2012, 10:02 PM
SadFace SadFace is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Unhappy Queer Poly Woman In the Midst of Divorce Wishes She Wasn't Poly

I sought out this forum because I typed into google "How Do I stop being Poly?" I knew it was foolish. I know that I can't change the way my heart is built but everyday i wish that I could. At least part of me does.

Six years ago I had two steady wonderful girlfriends and a steady lover. I met my current husband who was poly curious and let the NRE consume me and let go of those other relationships. We closed our relationship, moved in together after just three months (old dyke habits are hard to break even for queer men) and everything was moving at a slightly alarmingly fast pace. Still I was happy to have stability in my life for the first time. After a year he asked me to marry him. I felt sick and nauseous. I didn't want to lose him but I didn't want to get married either. I felt my life slipping away from me. I couldn't believe that I would never sleep or love anyone else ever again. The thought made my heart ache. I've known I was poly since I was a teen. I always had the problem of "loving too many people at once" or "Having too many people in love with me at once". I thought that if I tried hard enough I could put being poly aside. My (soon to be former) partner was perfectly happy to be nonmonogmous: that is to have occasional lovers that we hooked up with when one of us was traveling but he does not desire emotional connections with those people and cannot tolerate me having those emotional connections. we've been together six years. I've built my whole life around him but not really. I've had depression and anxiety since I can remember but that past three years I've been deeply depressed. part of me feels excited about the possibility of a new life where I can be poly but another part of me wants desperately to change. To stop being poly. If I still prayed to God or believed in God it is likely that I would ask for this sort of Christmas miracle. Alas I am an atheist Jew and I stopped asking God to cure me of my queerness when I was eighteen. I don't know what to do. I am sad. I can't imagine the life where I will be happy. I'm losing my best friend. I am losing my family. My family is fully of bigots, addicts and people that are so mentally ill they can't support me. I'm aching. I don't know what to do.

We've tried to open our relationship many times and have been in therapy for years. Each time we've opened the relationship and I've been with other people it's put my husband in terrible pain. I've had strong romantic feelings for other people and recently had a very intense love affair (with my partners knowledge) with a man I was really into. He ended it with me because I'm in such turmoil now I was always dropping emotional bombs on him. I see that clearly now and I'm glad he broke up with me and stood up for himself. My husband is moving out in two days and I'm devastated.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:38 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

I am so sorry about everything you're going through. I think the part to focus on is that it is a chance to kind of re-make your life into something more poly-accepting. I know it'll be hard, and I can't imagine what you're going through, but in the end you can hope that you learned something and will be stronger in the future because of it.
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Old 01-13-2012, 09:30 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 21

It sounds to me that you're another individual who's hurting and feels that putting the blame on SOMETHING will make things better. You're not at fault here, nor is your ex, nor is polyamory. You both fell madly in love, made some SERIOUS decisions in the midst of all that emotionality (never good) in a quick manner, and now you're experiencing the negative consequences of that sequence of events.

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, I wish you the best, but I want you to understand that you're grieving. We don't think or feel the best during these times in life, and I just want to show you the possibility that maybe there's no blame that needs to take place, just grief. When the pain subsides in a few weeks or months, maybe you can look back and see all the little pot holes on the way, and use that as a way to look a head and put those new understanding to good use with future loves.

Have some tea, cry it out, then do something that makes you feel a little better. Best of luck!
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:38 PM
SadFace SadFace is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Default Melodrama

I appreciate the kind words and to the second poster, I did not find your words insensitive but wise. It's funny I didn't feel as though I was blaming anyone because I was perhaps only blaming myself or a part of me that I do not like.

I have so little patience with people grappling with internalized biphobia, homophobia and the like and yet I'm here wishing that I wasn't poly. I know that it isn't possible but if some crazy right wingers had a free camp to cure me of my polyamory I'd probably send for a free brochure.

When I told my partner I wished I wasn't poly he only replied that it made him sad and that he wanted me to learn to love and accept that part of myself and perhaps one day even celebrate it the way we celebrate our queerness.

Your comments helped me put things into perspective. I was embarrassed to use any internet monikers that might reveal my queer lady blogger identity. No I think my silly name "Sadface" is quite laughable. Anyhow, thank you for the kindness.
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:53 AM
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trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59

Do you have children? My partner is also going through a divorce. It really sucks. His story is somewhat similar to yours. He's always known he was poly,but married a mono wife much too quickly when he was young. They had a child, experimented with poly (ie they met me and we started an open triad) and all the numerous problems in their lives kept piling up despite my presence. Surprise, surprise. It's been incredibly tough. Basically I'm also going through this divorce as well. I did all the ex- spouse support things like helping hiw experience pay for her new place. It seemed only fair. Now I'm going through the emotional devastation of a custody hearing, without the ability to do a damn thing about it. I've become a mother to this child and now I'm facing the traumatic possibility we could lose her.
Divorce is tough. Stupid tough. By the weirdest thing is I'm actually happier now than I was with her. And my partner is gaining weight, starting to look healthy again,after years of anxiety and pressure on him. So that's to say... It is a hard thing to go through, but life really does get better.
The reasons you find yourself leaving your partner won't likely change. And you'll begin to discover the happiness and freedom from stress you hoped forgot years now.
Best wishes, best luck, best thoughts.
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divorce, i quit, i use to be poly, poly shame

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