GF of 4 years makes an announcement

mobetterblues

New member
Hi,
I'm a 39 year old straight guy, living with my gf of 4 years. She's bi (which she told me about early on in the relationship) which has never really been an issue. She says it's a 60-40 thing, and that she wouldn't ever see herself in a long term relationship with a woman. We talked about adding an occasional 3rd person to our sex life a while back (most likely a woman) , however never did anything about this - a combination of stress, financial issues (my business is very recession-sensitive so the last 4 years have been a struggle!) and the day to day grind, not to mention neither of us really pushed for it. I'm also guilty of taking my gf for granted, and again, I have things I could use as excuses (work stress etc) but there is really no excuse for this, and I know this. She knows I love her, but I haven't shown it in some of the ways that are most important to her. I feel terrible for this, especially as it was no doubt a contributory factor is the recent crisis, which I'll go on to explain.
My gf has always been brutally honest, and like an open book. However this all changed a couple of months ago, when I suddenly became suspicious, her behaviour changed, became furtive, secretive. I knew something was amiss and so checked her phone, and yes, you've guessed it, I found evidence that she's been with another guy.
All hell broke loose, and all the emotions that come from a situation like this came out. She went away to stay with her family for a month, during which time we were communicating constantly, but not on great terms. I was going through hell, not eating at all, it felt like my life had fallen apart.
It turns out that she had conversations with this guy about her feelings and ideology about relationships, that she would prefer an open relationship (I was of course hurt that she'd never discussed it with me!) They shared the ideology, one thing led to another, all behind my back.
Since I found out, she told me she was going to tell me everything. Since then, we have been trying to repair our relationship, which has been difficult due to the breakdown of trust. She has exchanged emails with this guy, but nothing more since. We have spoken at length about us, what we want etc. she has floated the idea of an open relationship, which is something I just cannot agree to - it's just not me, and this is not borne out of any traditional mindset, social conditioning, or any other external factors - it's just me, who I am. Now all the pain and emotions have died down, we are focusing on the future. The question is, can she continue with me, if she is going to be surpressing this side of her? I've suggested that maybe we are too different in this, important aspect, and should cut our losses now and let each other move on - despite the fact that we love each other. She has been really confused about what she wants, and I have tried to leave things as they are, continue with the reparation of our relationship. However it feels, to me anyway, that this issue is a fundamental part of the reparation - it brought infidelity into our relationship, so has the potential to create further damage in the future, especially if it's surpressed. I'm confused to be honest. I don't want to be with a person who feels surpressed with just me, but I love this woman and we both always envisaged spending the rest of our lives together, she still says this. Her latest position is that she wants to just 'forget the open relationship issue' and concentrate on repairing what has been damaged. However, I just can't seem to separate the 2 issues, as I think they are intertwined.
Does anyone have similar experiences? Any advice? Thoughts?
I'd appreciate any comments.
Thanks
 
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There are many people for whom a poly/mono arrangement works, where the monogamous partner accepts that the poly partner has other people in his or her life, but doesn't seek that out for themselves. Perhaps this could be a place you might reach at some point. It would take lots of talking, soul-searching, and negotiating.
 
thanks for your reply. I have thought long and hard about this, really. And this is one of the things I considered. However I just wouldn't be comfortable in this situation, so cannot honestly see it as an option for me. It would be compromising myself in order to accommodate her, and just as I appreciate that she has to be true to herself, so do I. It would be incredibly difficult to give up on us, but I cannot see any other way, in order for us both to live the lives we want. A sad situation.
 
Has counseling been considered ? ...for her cheating on you and your taking her for granted. Also for discussing the idea and application of an open marriage/relationship and how that could work for each of you. I don't remember the stat but the counselor we were seeing gave the% of couples she/they ( the practice) see's that end in divorce. They discover during the process that they need to split.

A sad situation indeed. Trust has been shattered so anything she now says is tainted with the possibility of it being a lie or half truth or spin. And you're already thinking well beyond the infidelity and trust issues and focused on the philosophical differences in which there is no compromise.

I'd say trust your gut.

Good luck D
 
thanks for this. Yes, she is looking for a counsellor to address this, and other issues she says has brought her to this point. We have both taken responsibility for the fact that our relationship soured to the point where one of us cheated on the other. She has repeatedly said since, that it is the single worst mistake of her life, and she cannot believe that she would do it to me, of all people, knowing that it would hurt me. She is genuine here, and I have no doubts she regrets her actions so much.
I have never delved into the nitty gritty of exactly what happened, on the 2 occasions she met the other guy, but I think I know it went further than she initially confessed to, and I have just left it that I think it went further than that, and we have kind of left that subject there. Trust has been tainted, but I think I can forgive and move on. The big question for me is whether we move on together, or apart. My gut swings one way one day, and the other the next (literally some days!). Most importantly, I want to make sure, if we stay together, that we know where each other stands, and her ongoing Q mark about her / polyamory is getting to be the elephant in the room. She doesn't think now is the time to concentrate on this, I think we need to know where we stand if we are to go forward together. Very confusing for both of us. Sorry to air my / our confusion on this site, but seems as good a place as any, considering our issues..
 
Her going to see a counselor on her own to sort out some of the why questions might be a good starting point. Let them attack the elephant in the room. They could add you in later if and when needed or appropriate .

How have you been sleeping through out this? That was one of my biggest problems and it really fucks with the decision making or gut trusting process.

Don't be sorry ....this is a perfect place to air such a story or problem....hundreds of stories just like yours:)
 
thanks again for taking time to add your comments.

We both agree that counselling is the answer. To be honest, I found it therapeutic just churning out my original post earlier...

One point I find possibly pertinent, is that when I asked her if the poly side of her has been present throughout our relationship, she told me that when things were going really well with us, she never gave it a second thought. So maybe it's a side of her that came out when things were going badly, when she felt taken for granted, and when I neglected her sexually (which I admit I did at times, particularly when my stress levels were at their worst).

Is polyamory something that can come and go like this - depending on the happiness of the relationship? From reading this site my conclusion has been otherwise - that it is part of who we are. Maybe she was just able to put it to one side when we our relationship was going really well. I don't know.

Once again, thanks
 
I think people who identify as poly ...no it wouldn't come and go. A lot people find themselves here from situation or of their needs being incompatible. Higher sex drive VS lower. One partner interested in BDSM the other no interest and is very vanilla. Some in long distance relationship because of career choices....physically separated for months.
 
there's no doubt her sex drive has been higher than mine over the last year / 2 years. I've not dealt with the stress of my business very well and as a result my self confidence has taken a hit (not very sexy for my gf I imagine) and my libido took a nose dive, so to speak. Maybe I'm reaching out for explanations here, or maybe the truth is that she just wants more than one partner. It's not an option for me, so there's an unavoidable ultimatum, which I hate, but which is the only way I can see us both getting what we want from life - if her poly life is so important to her (her statements on this vary from "it's a strong part of who I am" to "it's just a part of me I've not explored" to " maybe I just wan't single long enough between relationships" to " you are the only important thing in my life"
 
One thing you will read over and over again is, when the existing relationship is in trouble, that is not the time to explore poly relationships. Fix what's broken, then spend a few years discussing opening the marriage if she still feels it's necessary.

Communication is key for any relationship. I would guess that she may have tried to hint that the neglect was getting unbearable but you didn't catch on. This is where the counselor will come in and help each of you figure out how to speak each others language and have the other fully understand, instead of expecting them to "take a hint" or "read body language", etc.

PS. Speak with your doctor about the low libido and other ways to manage your stress levels.
 
Along with the therapy/counseling, you may want to check out the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. It's been referenced here in lots of threads, and I'm sure it's in our Book Recommendations sticky. I thought of it when you mentioned having taken her for granted and not connecting the way you had. maybe you both have different needs around expression of love and feelings, so if you know what each of your dominant love "language" is, it might help.
 
hello

Hello and welcome to the site! you will find a lot of good feedback here. I'm sure some of the of the mono people here will not like what I have to say, but oh well, here it is.

I was also a mono for 50 years.....or you could say 30 years because I wasn't that sexual for the first 20 years. I was very set in my mono ideas. I stood firmly in the mono world and couldn't be swayed from it.

All the while, I'm noticing and acknowledging that monogomy doesn't really work any more and it doesn't really make sense either.

When I decided to give polyamory a try- two years ago, all of my relationships improved.....just sayin'....you're young and you're hanging on to monogamy which is simply not that sacred. Do you even know why you are hanging on to it so tightly??

Good luck!!
 
Thanks for the words people.

NYCindie - thanks for the reading tips. I've had a look at a summary of the book you mention and already find relevance, I think you are correct in that the language of individual's love can differ greatly. I'm going to look into this in more detail, as there are most definitely areas (and not that difficult to identify) where we haven't been 'servicing' each other's emotional and physical requirements, neglecting those things that make us both feel loved and satisfied.

Idealist - I appreciate that airing my problems on this site will inevitably lead to poly advocates urging me to open my mind on this subject, and it's something I was prepared for. I have considered my position long and hard and am certainly not a person who's rigid in my approach to life, and relationships. As per my original post, we talked a while back about introducing a 3rd person into our sex life, and have discussed recently how far I would be prepared to go on this. Conclusion - I would consider swinging, but no more than this. I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with my partner dating / having sex with others without my involvement, and I can say with some assurance that this will continue to be the case. I'm young at 39 (thanks!) , but old enough to know myself and what my reaction would be to certain situations. I can certainly see, from browsing this site that polyamory really works for some people, whether they feel it is part of their genetic make-up, or whether it is a lifestyle choice for them. I want my gf to be happy, but as with any balanced relationship, this shouldn't come at the expense of the other's unhappiness. I don't feel like I'm clinging to monogamy, it's just what I want from life, and don't feel I should ever be pressured to go down a different route. As with someone who chooses to hit the gym rather than lunch out on the sofa eating KFC, or someone who prefers to ski rather than go on sunny holidays, or a veggie who doesn't eat meat, or someone who doesn't want kids and prefers dogs - I wouldn't expect any of these people to be pressured into skiing, eating meat, having kids etc, so see this issue no differently. I'm aware, more than ever, that alternative lifestyles exist. I want to impress that I haven't got a 'traditionalist' approach to life, in any aspect of my life, so I'm not choosing the path that society deems acceptable - just the one that suits me best and that I'm most comfortable with.

I feel that SNeacail nails the issue, when commenting that now is probably the wrong time to explore poly issues, and that we should fix what's broken. My original point was that I feel these issues are intertwined, linked in essence. I guess the roadmap should be - do we want to be together? And from there we find a way to make things work. Counselling and a greater appreciation of each other's 'love languages' will no doubt help. We both have decisions to make. There will be sacrifices and concessions on both sides, as with any relationship.
 
Just to add, Idealist - I'm not 'hanging on' to anything - just being true to myself which is what I feel we all have a right to do, whether mono, poly, or whatever. Being open minded works both ways. I appreciate that I didn't post on a 'Mono' site so should expect a slightly biased viewpoint sometimes. Glad you eventually found out who you are, and indeed mono doesn't make sense - FOR YOU , clearly. But you cannot say 'it doesn't make sense'. That's an insult to any free thinking person that chooses a mono lifestyle.
 
If your GF is truly Poly, you will not make her happy by forcing her to be in a monogamous relationship. Forcing a non-monogamous person to lead a monogamous lifestyle is incredibly insensitive and selfish. It is like putting a salt water fish in fresh water. It is not an elephant, it is who she is. If she had to go find someone else, it is because you weren't giving her what she needs. If she felt like she had to find what she needs elsewhere, that is not her fault. If you truly loved your partner, you would do what is best for her or let her go. Love is when you help your partner be who they are and become who they want to be. Are you willing to do that? Remember, you can be in love with someone who is not your best choice as a life partner. It sounds to me like this might be the case here.
 
The elephant in the room is the expression to describe the un-talked about disconnect of monogamous verses poly or open. I thought he stated he was willing to let her and the relationship go so she can be authentic to herself.
 
I could have mis-read it. Sounded like he really wants a monogamous relationship.
 
Thanks for your reply Snowdancer.. I think..

"If your GF is truly Poly, you will not make her happy by forcing her to be in a monogamous relationship"

To that I would say, if my girlfriend is truly Poly why did she wait until 4 years into a relationship to raise the issue. A bit misleading don't you think? I'm not sure she is truly poly.
Also, noone is forcing anyone. So please don't bring emotive words like that into the equation. It just makes you sounds like a Poly-Fascist.

"Forcing a non-monogamous person to lead a monogamous lifestyle is incredibly insensitive and selfish"

There you go again. I think I've demonstrated throughout my post that I am not insensitive and selfish. However you obviously know me better than I know myself, and are best placed for this sweeping judgement.

" It is like putting a salt water fish in fresh water."

Not really, they die instantly.

"It is not an elephant, it is who she is"

"Elephant in the room" Is a commonly used expression which means a significant subject which is being ignored, that people are continuing as though it doesn't exist.

"If she felt like she had to find what she needs elsewhere, that is not her fault."

She didn't HAVE to do find what she needs elsewhere. She chose to, and has since stated that it is the single worst mistake/choice of her life. Also, I have acknowledged that I had neglected her in many ways, both emotionally and physically, so , alas, this is no breakthrough you're onto here..

" If you truly loved your partner, you would do what is best for her or let her go"

I'm trying to do what's best for me, her, and us, whether that's together or apart. Have you read all of this thread or are you just latching onto certain parts you feel you can launch your catch-all judgements at?

" Love is when you help your partner be who they are and become who they want to be"

Thanks. Love is many things, and differtent things to everyone. However I'll run my life by your code from now on, since it's pretty simplistic and therefore easy to understand, even for an emotionally stunted, neanderthal, unenlightened soul like me.

" Are you willing to do that?"

Again, read the full thread. I think it's clear I am prepared to lose this woman if it becomes clear we have different attitudes to very important aspects of relationships, although patently it is not my preference.

"Remember, you can be in love with someone who is not your best choice as a life partner"

Thanks, I'll try not to forget that nugget of wisdom, as that's a thought that has never occured to me, in 39 years. Amazing.

Whilst all opinions, suggestions, and angles of approach are fully appreciated, some seem to hit the nail much more than others.
 
Here is a note on my experience, and you can take it for whatever it's worth.

I'm happiest when the person I love does not expect monogamy from me. The poly structure really suits me. (I don't really see poly as an underlying essential identity, and may be rare in that-- it's what I do, not what I am. What I am, is bad at monogamy.)

I have cheated on monogamous relationships in the past. Sometimes after 1 year, 2 years, or 7 years. Sometimes this was because the relationship really needed to end, and sometimes not.

I can't quote the studies, but if you go to Dan Savage, he can, but most people cheat. Men and women both. It's common, and you can decide whether it's worth ending the relationship because of it.

But my point is this-- in poly, I'm not going to lose a relationship because of the "ooh, new shiny!" impulse. I'm also not going to be able use cheating (mine or theirs) as an easy way to express "this relationship is broken" like I used to. I deal with a relationship strictly on the terms of it's own health, how well it's working for us, how it fulfills us, without the expectation that it be my all-and-everything, forever and ever amen. It feels more stable.

If she's talking about poly, she may be trying to change your relationship to something that she thinks will be more sturdy. It doesn't sound like that's an option with you, so make sure she knows.
 
"What I am, is bad at monogamy....
I have cheated on monogamous relationships in the past. Sometimes after 1 year, 2 years, or 7 years. Sometimes this was because the relationship really needed to end, and sometimes not."

me too, Strixish.

for what yet another opinion/perspective is worth, MoBetter: i applaud the fact that the question you're (both) asking is "do we really want to be together?" and also that you recognize and acknowledge that neither of you wants yourselves or the other to feel suppressed or censored for simply being who you are - which may mean that you need to split in order to be fully yourselves, if you are mostly mono and she is truly poly (which is still up in the air).

what if you both agreed on a split for, say, a month or two? could you agree to spend this time apart, with no ill will or prejudgments, maybe decide to keep in contact (whether by phone/email or in person, and maybe on a schedule) simply as friends with the intention of giving yourselves enough room to breathe and think clearly (especially her)? then she might be able to distinguish between "i'm poly, and it's just who i am; i need more than one person in my life" and "i'm mono because i want to be" vs "i'm mono (unspoken: because i really need you in my life and that's the way it has to be if we're going to be together)."

just a path i might take, if i found myself and a partner in that situation. for what it's worth.

best of luck to you both!
 
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