Loving without Fear: Cleo's path

Glad that things are looking positive and that you are meeting some new people! (After my own multiple-breakups-crisis, it took me 18 months just to feel ready to try meeting people again, and then I mostly talked about my ex on the dates!)

How was the road trip? Did you say you went to the U.S.?
 
thanks Mya and MeeraReed!

getting ready for my next date with Brig. Oh boy I like this guy. Butterflies. And I'm scared. Scared to make the same mistakes I made with C. Scared that Brig won't be able to do the poly thing. We've talked about it - but I don't want to talk about it too much. I would love to be able to just let things develop. But.. I like him, oh yes I really do like him.. a lot.
and that's scary. But I guess I already said that :)
 
Cleo, it's nice to see updates from you! I just wanted to say hello and say I'm glad to see things are going well with you :)
 
Things are pretty good. I'm enjoying my relationships in all the forms and shapes they take.

Things with Brig are lovely. It's a new thing for me, the relaxedness of it, the feeling of safety and security. We see each other about twice a week. Not a lot of emailing or texting which I like - this tends to make me restless and too dependent on reassurance. We really enjoy each others company, and are getting to know each other, slowly, steadily. Trying not to think of the future too much and living the love as it presents itself to me.

Ren is dating his new gf Mon - they see each other very often, so that with both our schedules, we hardly spend time together these days. This is a bit worrying and we do need to think about this. We are planning to get away together for a weekend later this month.

I had a date with BGuy which was.... nice, but not great. I like the talks, I like the sex. I guess while I was with him I did feel that at that moment, I would rather have been with Brig - which is a feeling I hardly ever get about any of my relationships. I guess it means I'm falling for him pretty hard...

I also had a lovely evening with an old lover, with whom I now have a very close and warm and intimate friendship.

Date with Knight lined up for next week.

Yes, it's all pretty good :)
 
Things with Brig are still good. Taking it slow. Not talking about what it all means, not talking about expectations, not talking about the future. Just going from date to date, enjoying each other, getting to know each other. Its new for me and sometimes nerve wrecking. There's so much less reassurance going on than in the early stages of my relationship with C (ex bf). But then again, the reassurance never really worked. It's been very enlightening, this new relationship. He is special - wounded, fragile. I want to take care of him. I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily - I do need to be careful though. but he is also fiercely independent, I am not worried about him claiming me or becoming dependent. Just need to watch my own tendencies to ' mother' a guy.

Things with MrBrown are really good. We had a fabulous date a couple of weeks ago where we celebrated our 2 year anniversary. We've come such a long way. He distanced himself from me and then he came back, and it's ok because I feel in my heart that his love for me never really went away. We are stronger now than before. We see each other once a month maybe. But somehow I always feel he's there, even when we are not in touch.

Scin and I are still in touch, through email, we probably won't see each other until the new year. He is SUCH a great guy. Perfect in every sense except the fact that I am not all that attracted to him. But I think he could become a very good friend. It seems we really ' get' each other.

Had a lovely date with Knight some weeks ago. Walking the streets holding hands, sitting in bars drinking, talking. We never kiss, these days. A nuzzling of the neck. Sometimes his hand on my hair. That's it. This guy... he gets under my skin. I feel such unconditional love for him. If I never saw him again my feelings for him would never change. It's like with his words he penetrates right into the depths of my soul. I am so happy that after almost 3 years, he is still here, in my life, a quiet but burning force in the background, always in my heart.

C got in touch with me. We hadn't talked for months. He sent me an email that he wants to see me to either to 'close' things or to reconnect (whatever that means - as friends, I suppose).
I think I will meet him later this month. I'm scared, that it will rip open old wounds. But I don't want fear of pain to stand in the way of a meeting like this. There's still things I want to say/ask, and I don't want to do it over email. So yes maybe it will hurt. But I am brave and I can handle it. It will be interesting.
 
really lovely date/evening/night/morning with Brig.
He asked me last night, if it bothered me that he was still listed as 'single' on OKC? And that he was thinking about changing that, that it did not feel quite right, to be listed as single.
This kind of blew me away. We haven't talked much, if at all, about 'what we are doing'. We take it one date at a time, we tell each other we like each other and that we enjoy each others company. I talk to him about Ren and he knows about MrBrown. He asks questions about Ren, and has said he prefers to not be told details about my relationship/dates with MrB. Which is all fine.
But it seems he is taking this thing more serious than I thought he was.

This talk came at the end of a function we attended, we were very tired. I did not ask him (but want to, sometime) if he sees himself being mono with me (he's always only had mono relationships) or if he thinks he could at some point add another relationship. There are so many echoes from my time with C. But I am not sure how much of this needs to be discussed, really. Have I learned enough to just take things as they come?

When we were in bed, right before we fell asleep, I felt this surge of love for him and almost said it: I love you. I've known him 2 months. I did not say it. But it felt really good not to say it, but just to lie there and feel the love rushing through me, towards him.

I think this is what poly means to me. This process of connecting, letting someone in on so many levels. And the possibility to keep doing this, limitless, as many times as you want, as long as you have the time and the energy. Boundless love, really.

As the year draws to a close I am happy. It's been a very difficult year. I want to be careful to not just be happy because I have a new love after losing one this summer. I want to feel good, and peaceful, and content, because I have learned I can take bad things on and work through them and keep breathing and still am able, after pain, to open myself up again and let someone in. This is what I am grateful for, this is what I am proud of.
 
I saw C today. For the first time since we broke up in July.
It was beautiful and difficult. He gave me back the stuff that was still at his house. I gave him back his key. We sat outside and had coffee. He basically told me he wants me back. He thinks I rushed into breaking up - that I did not give the new situation (him and his new GF) enough time.
I think I will reread the blog I wrote here tomorrow - but even without doing that, i think I can say I did not rush into breaking up. There were months of pain and him drifting away.

I told him that the fact he took the sex out of our relationship was not ok. That sex is important to me, as a language, as a way to communicate. And that it was not ok that he reproached me for saying that sex was important.

He said it was possible that things would be different now.

I said it was not ok that there were times he said 'we could go to this place but oh no we can't because my other GF might be there and she does not want to see you'.

He said it was possible that things would be different now.

He said he would like me in his life. That I am important to him. That I could come see him and spend the night. Then I gave him back his key and he said 'are you sure you want to give it back?'

I did not respond much to the things he said. I need to think. Can we be friends? Will I always be too frustrated because I wanted him so much (and even today I could feel I am still very much attracted to him)?

I don't know. I am confused. I did not expect this.

Part of me says I should be open to any kind of relationship configuration that makes me feel good. Part of me says there's no going back.

Need to sit on this for a while.


Also - things with Brig are awesome. The love is growing. I went to a family function with him - his mum came over and hugged me. The funny thing is - I don't feel pressured or anything. It's like he doesn't attach meaning to things the way most people would. Like meeting his family - this was not a big deal to him. It was more like "I have this family thing and it's kind of boring and it would be more fun for me if you are there, wanna come?"
So I am trying to go with the flow here and succeeding, pretty well. I feel really good when I am with him. I love getting to know him and opening myself up. It's beautiful and scary and wonderful. More, yes, please.

Today is the last day of the year. Spending it at home with Ren. I have issues with this day - all the pent up energy, all the people feeling the same thing at the same time. I will be glad when tomorrow comes and the new year begins.

Had drinks with one of my best friends earlier today. Lots of messaging with other friends. I am so very blessed in my friendships and the way people love and support me.

Best wishes to all! May love and trust and happiness guide you.
 
Thinking a lot about the scarcity / abundance theory lately. I would love, so much, to view my life as being abundant with love, friendship and all sorts of good stuff. Because it IS. Yet it seems so very hard to shake the feelings of being neglected, of not being wanted, of there not being enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get there, if the wounds from childhood and early adulthood will ever heal, if the insecurities will ever transform into feeling good about myself?

I still haven't contacted C. I feel I should, I feel I should say something, ask him questions, force progress. But maybe I don't have to, really, maybe I should just let things be? Feels like a cop out.

MrBrown stood me up today. Well, tbh, he cancelled an hour before our date. Did not pick up the phone when I called him in response to his cancellation text. He's been 'gone' the past couple of weeks - not responding to messages, communicating just enough to keep me hanging, but without meaning or content. I keep making excuses for him, but how long am I going to let myself be used this way? Ugh.

Have a date with Scin tomorrow. I doubt there will be anything romantic or sexy - but I'm looking forward to seeing him, hearing his perspective on things, hear how he's been.

Things with Brig are good - but even there I seem to be able to mess things up. It's like it's too comfortable, too easy, I feel like we should talk about what we are doing or where we are going. While when I tell my friends about him, I say that what I like about the relationship, is the absence of these talks. Ugh! I wish I could stop making things so difficult. I know I can. I'm just having a hard time with it and feel flooded by insecurities and a general feeling of unsafety.

One thing I know is that I want to spend more time with me. Turn inward more, instead of looking for validation from others. It's my ongoing battle and I make progress, even though the progress is going so very very slow.
 
Hey Cleo- just wanted to see how you were doing. *hugs*
 
I had to have two teeth pulled the past year, 6 months apart, and both times my regular dentist was not available and I was treated by another, very cute, dentist in the same practice. Handsome and with a great sense of humour which made the whole ordeal slightly more bearable.:)

Heh-heh! Thanks for that! Hey Cleo, so nice to see your name come up in the How Are You Doing thread - haven't heard from you in a long while. Miss your posts. Howzabout an update on your blog? What's going on in your life lately?
 
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well! yes, it's been ages since I updated this blog. I'm not sure I want to get back to writing and updating regularly, but as the year is drawing to a close I am thinking about all that's happened and kind of taking score, and thought I'd fill in this huge gap between january 2014 and today... almost 2 years, unbelievable!

Ren (husband) and I are still good. We have good months and not so good months, but that's the normal ebb and flow of a 20+ year relationship I guess. Right now we're in a really good period and I'm enjoying it lots! He is still with his GF Lou, the one I don't like and trust for many reasons - I never see her, she only comes to the house when I'm not here. The past year, we've managed to have very little tension or disagreements about that though. He's been seeing another woman for about a year and a half now. I really like her and she sometimes spends the night when I'm also home. She is long distance, as is Lou. But Ren doesn't mind that he doesn't see them very often, he needs an awful lot of me-time :)

So, Brig and I broke up summer 2014. I loved him, and we are still friends (though we don't see each other very often - it was an amicable break up for sure) but just weren't compatible at all sexually. Another thing was that while he liked the idea of poly, when it came down to the practical facts he was awkward and uncomfortable about it. The relationship sort of fizzled out without too many hard feelings.

I did get back together with Curlz in January 2014. I started spending weekends at his house again, we sometimes went away together, he came to my city and spent the night at my place. When I think back, and look at that time, I think that I was almost more in love with his house and the domesticity of our relationship than with him. He had such a lovely and well cared for house and had a real knack for creating atmosphere - wine and candles and good food and clean, nice smelling sheets etc... I just loved spending time there, and he was always very attentive, asking many questions, very good at my love language Quality Time...But yeah, two things were a continous frustration: the fact that the sex was pretty impossible, and the fact that he was always breaking up and getting back together with his other (single, mono)GF. I finally broke up with him in the fall of 2015 and while I do still miss him sometimes, it's been a relief.

MrBrown and I are at a standstill. I think at this point we are friends who don't see each other very often. I don't want a sexual relationship with him anymore. It's complicated, it hurts, I miss him, but right now I am glad that we are not communicating - I just can't deal with his fierce autonomy. I think he is a relationship anarchy posterchild, and while I have RA aspirations, the way he does it is not really how I want to become.

Knight is still my platonic boyfriend. We tried to be less platonic twice, summer 2014 and last summer as well. But I think we both know that that is not the way for us. I love him deeply and I am so glad he is in my life. We see each other about once every 2 or 3 months for one evening. It's intense, he inspires me, lifts me up, he knows me and sees me, and I think we have an amazing connection that I value very very much.

And ! I've been in a new relationship for over a year now. I suppose I should give him a nickname in case I do start updating more regularly! Hm. Bo, I guess. We met on OKC (he contacted me, he's 10 years younger, lives 10 minutes away. He's cute and funny and nerdy and adorable. He has another GF, a woman who is also married (with a small child no less) and he is in a D/s relationship with her, with him being the sub. This has been the cause of some, ha let's be honest, major anxiety - especially in the beginning when I was still uncertain about our connection and trying to feel out his intentions with me etc..
I have to say that he is an almost perfect poly partner. He treats us both as his equal partners and is completely open about everything. He talks to me about her and to her about me. I've met her a couple of times which has helped with the anxiety about the kink -because I could see she might be his Domme, she's also just a regular woman with her own stuff and shit to deal with. Bo has met my husband and sometimes comes over for dinner and spends the night - while I like relationships compartmentalized, and don't want kitchen table style poly, the fact that everybody knows everybody and is relaxed about it is really nice. Bo is completely committed to his poly life, and while I've known him, told his family, co workers and friends about it.

He's also one of the most sex positive guys I've ever dated, he adores me, and we have a ton of fun in the bedroom :)

So while things have been mostly good, it's also been a difficult year where I've struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. Sometimes triggered by relationship issues but also sometimes triggered by work and family stuff, and sometimes these anxiety rears its ugly head and I have no idea why and where it comes from. It sucks, that's for sure.
 
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I am SO bad with dates... I did not break up with C fall of 2015, as I wrote, but fall of 2014, about 6 months after we got back together. It's a silly thing to correct but I just don't want it on record that our relationship dragged on for a year and a half when it was only 6 months!

So right now I have 2 relationships. I feel poly saturated, though I sometimes feel that there would be room for some sexual fun, especially now that MrBrown is out of the picture. He was the guy I experimented with most...
I've been chatting with a guy on OKC, he wants to meet. I told him not before January, but that in principle, i am interested. Still, I am not sure if I should date. I wonder if dating someone new (casually) is a good idea, with all the anxiety I am experiencing. I made a deal with myself that I had to be 'anxiety attack free' for at least 2 weeks before I would allow myself to date again. I've never managed that, the past 5 years or so....
 
It's been a few days since I've felt anxious about my relationship with Bo. Actually.. it's been almost a week, and this is, I think, a new record. I'm trying to analyze or understand why this is the case, because maybe that will help me with future anxiety.. but so far, I can't find anything that is really different about this week.

Anxiety about Bo usually begins when there is less communication, when he doesn't reply fast enough to a text, and / or when I don't know when we are going to see each other again. But, I can also get terribly anxious the day before we have a date, so there doesn't really seem to be a logic to it.

I know anxiety spikes when there is a lull in communication and when I, at that point, am unable to let that lull just 'be', and I begin to prod and poke and try to get him to respond, by asking questions or just saying hi (in text) etc. He will usually respond, and that will make me feel good for a very short minute, but it doesn't really work because of course he did not initiate this contact, it was just a response, so does it really mean anything? At that point my imagination goes into overdrive and I start to think (and then believe, like it is a fact) that he cannot possibly be interested in me, that it is certain that he values his other GF much more. And then I start beating myself up about being so insecure and then the circle is complete and it's a spiral that is VERY hard to get out of.

Anyway, this has been a really good week and I wish I knew why, if I did something differently. So far, I have no idea. I guess I'd better enjoy the feeling then :)
 
There've been some anxious thought sand worries, but nothing as bad as a couple of months ago. Fingers crossed that this positive trend will continue.

I spent half my christmas with Ren and half of it with Bo. Both days were really great. Reconnecting, lots of good talks, and great food. They are so utterly different, these guys, and I love them both so much.

I had lots of thoughts about the numerous posts on the forum about ones poly style - ' kitchen table' versus compartmentalization.
I love to compartmentalize, and have always done this even with friendships - I like seeing my friends one on one. Still Ren and I do have friends we see together, events and thing we get invited to as a couple, automatically, because we have been for years. After being with Bo for over a year this is something that is beginning to ... not bother me exactly, but I am thinking about it. It is like I don't like the fact that Ren is my default partner for these occasions, because Bo is becoming more and more important. Still I don't see how it would or could work otherwise. It would be really strange to suddenly take Bo to a party instead of Ren. Ren would feel left out and my friends would feel weird because Ren is their friend too. And taking them both would not be an option for me. I don't know!
 
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