I could really use some advice here.
Before my husband and I married ten years ago, we discussed the possibility of becoming non-monogamous. We both came from broken homes where our parents’ marriages ended because of affairs and betrayal, and we thought our marriage could be strengthened by being open to other partners and honest about our needs.
Four months ago, we embarked on polyamorous relationships. We began sleeping with another couple who were married but separated. At the start, the rule was “no falling in love,” but my husband very quickly fell in love with his new partner, and it seemed like she did with him. She was still smarting from the breakup of her marriage though, and very erratic in her behavior.
Meanwhile, I’ve steadily been pursuing an affectionate, erotic affair with my lover. It’s been wonderful—we don’t talk about being in love, but we thoroughly enjoy one another’s company.
After a few months, things got very intense—there was talk of blending the two families, abolishing hierarchy, living together as a loving foursome.
Then my husband’s girlfriend bailed. Very suddenly, she just announced this wasn’t what she wanted and left. I think she was spooked by the intense intimacy, so soon after leaving her husband. Whatever the reason, my husband’s heart was broken.
He’s been devastated for nearly a month now, and it’s been awful. His immediate reaction to the breakup was to insist that I not see my partner anymore, because it was “killing him,” and “making him crazy.” He wants to close our marriage and go back to monogamy. Not only that, he can’t sleep, he dry heaves, he rages at me for “ruining our marriage,” and so on.
I do not want to break up with my boyfriend. For one thing, he is my good friend and I love him. I don’t see why I should summarily break off my relationship because my husband’s love affair ended. Moreover, I find that I love the polyamorous lifestyle. I have felt more beautiful, loving and erotically charged in the past few months than I’ve felt for years. I’ve had a taste of sexual liberty and I don’t want to give it up.
It seems we’re at an impasse and I don’t know what to do. I love my husband and I don’t want to end the marriage. But I think he’s being selfish and unfair. He even acknowledges that he’s being selfish and unfair, but says he “can’t help how he feels.”
On the other hand, I don’t want to live with someone who flies into a rage at me on a regular basis, or tells me I’m killing him with my behavior. I don’t want to “kill him”—the thought of hurting him makes me very sad. But I’m not doing anything that we haven’t already negotiated—the only difference is that now he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
Help! What to do?
Before my husband and I married ten years ago, we discussed the possibility of becoming non-monogamous. We both came from broken homes where our parents’ marriages ended because of affairs and betrayal, and we thought our marriage could be strengthened by being open to other partners and honest about our needs.
Four months ago, we embarked on polyamorous relationships. We began sleeping with another couple who were married but separated. At the start, the rule was “no falling in love,” but my husband very quickly fell in love with his new partner, and it seemed like she did with him. She was still smarting from the breakup of her marriage though, and very erratic in her behavior.
Meanwhile, I’ve steadily been pursuing an affectionate, erotic affair with my lover. It’s been wonderful—we don’t talk about being in love, but we thoroughly enjoy one another’s company.
After a few months, things got very intense—there was talk of blending the two families, abolishing hierarchy, living together as a loving foursome.
Then my husband’s girlfriend bailed. Very suddenly, she just announced this wasn’t what she wanted and left. I think she was spooked by the intense intimacy, so soon after leaving her husband. Whatever the reason, my husband’s heart was broken.
He’s been devastated for nearly a month now, and it’s been awful. His immediate reaction to the breakup was to insist that I not see my partner anymore, because it was “killing him,” and “making him crazy.” He wants to close our marriage and go back to monogamy. Not only that, he can’t sleep, he dry heaves, he rages at me for “ruining our marriage,” and so on.
I do not want to break up with my boyfriend. For one thing, he is my good friend and I love him. I don’t see why I should summarily break off my relationship because my husband’s love affair ended. Moreover, I find that I love the polyamorous lifestyle. I have felt more beautiful, loving and erotically charged in the past few months than I’ve felt for years. I’ve had a taste of sexual liberty and I don’t want to give it up.
It seems we’re at an impasse and I don’t know what to do. I love my husband and I don’t want to end the marriage. But I think he’s being selfish and unfair. He even acknowledges that he’s being selfish and unfair, but says he “can’t help how he feels.”
On the other hand, I don’t want to live with someone who flies into a rage at me on a regular basis, or tells me I’m killing him with my behavior. I don’t want to “kill him”—the thought of hurting him makes me very sad. But I’m not doing anything that we haven’t already negotiated—the only difference is that now he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
Help! What to do?