Strictly secondary...

JaneDoe41

New member
I'm still relatively new here, and I've searched the forum for threads dealing with the perspectives of secondary partners. Most of the relationships I'm seeing described seem to be very close to equal. I've yet to find much information, so I'm posting my own and I'd love input.

I introduced myself and my own unique situation in the "intros" section under "New to the Forum", but for a quick recap, I'm a female eleven months into a V relationship with Randy and Vivian. My role is strictly secondary. They've been together 10 years and poly works for them. I'm not the first "second", but our situation is working well so far and Randy and I would like to keep it ongoing. Vivian supports the relationship, but as with all of Randy's past partners, retains veto power over me. This prospect is a little scary.

I've asked him what issues have caused his other secondary relationships to fail, and the one major cause is when the secondary partner has wanted to move into a more primary role. There have been other issues, but that's a common thread among them.

Because I am a single parent and my child takes top priority in my life (my little "primary"), I don't feel that I have time, energy, or inclination to invest in a full-time romantic relationship. Being Randy's "second" works for me. I never feel "secondary" when Randy and I are together one-on-one. Plus I really feel that I get all of the benefit without the hassles of everyday living. I don't have to pick his dirty socks up off of the floor! I do, however, consciously defer when Randy, Viv, and I have our once-monthly "date nights", limiting my initiation of PDA's and allowing them as a couple to lead the moments, but it's fun to see them together and the way they interact. I don't mind holding back, and I still get plenty of attention from my lover.

So this briefly introduces the topic I'd like to get input on - how do other "Secondaries" feel about their place in their relationships?
 
A couple of months ago, SW and I talked about how our casual relationship had evolved into something more. Yet we will never be each other's primary. Although we did acknowledge to each other that if our loves had not been in the picture, well, things might be different, he's committed to his girlfriend and I am to Beloved. I don't know if SW would characterize us as a secondary relationship - we haven't talked about it - but that is the role that relationship fits into for me. Right now, the primary/secondary/casual model works pretty well right now for myself and Beloved and I suspect it works for SW and his girlfriend.

I've been thinking about a couple of issues lately that might be of interest to the OP. First, I'm not a particularly envious person. (I took one of those online 7 deadly sins test and scored high to medium on all the sins, except envy. This cracks me up.) However, I am competitive. So when SW posts that he is spending time with his favorite girl, I get a twinge of but "I want to be the favorite!". Then I get a grip, remind myself that I can't be 'number one' in this case and move on. (I'm also an only child and so very used to being 'number one'.) It's not a problem for me or for SW and I's relationship but I am curious how others handle not envy or jealousy but competitiveness.

Second, I wonder how others build intimacy outside of sex with secondary partners. I've noticed that I feel most intimate with SW during and after sex. Of course, sex was our reason to get together in the first place so that's not so surprising. However, we have lots else in common besides boinking. But I don't feel as intimate with him doing other activities, even though I always enjoy hanging out with him. We tend not to talk about difficult or intimate topics except after sex. I wonder if this is a 'dude' pattern. The women I've dated created intimacy throughout the relationship and not just in sex. I'm going to talk to him about it but wonder, again, if others have experienced something similar and what they did about it.
 
Second, I wonder how others build intimacy outside of sex with secondary partners. I've noticed that I feel most intimate with SW during and after sex. Of course, sex was our reason to get together in the first place so that's not so surprising. However, we have lots else in common besides boinking. But I don't feel as intimate with him doing other activities, even though I always enjoy hanging out with him. We tend not to talk about difficult or intimate topics except after sex. I wonder if this is a 'dude' pattern. The women I've dated created intimacy throughout the relationship and not just in sex. I'm going to talk to him about it but wonder, again, if others have experienced something similar and what they did about it.

Yes, this is something that comes to my mind when I think about analyzing my relationship with Randy. Recently, he made the comment "This isn't just about the sex, you know" he paused then we both laughed and simultaneously said "Well mostly!"

There is a barrier to deepest intimacy in this relationship, but I believe I put it there myself as traditional marriage hasn't been kind to me in terms of intimacy either. There is definitely mutual love, caring and compassion between us, but the sex is the tightest bond. I believe there are barriers on his end too, but not just for me. He's married to his work and not to Vivian, and I know at times she even comes second to that.

Thanks for your input Opalescent. I'm going to think on the subject of intimacy a little further.
 
I've posted a lot in my blog about the various issues and insecurities that come with my secondary relationship with a woman who has a primary. I'm happy with our roles in each other's lives... weekly-ish visits, acknowledgment of our relationship by our friends and parents if not by everyone (she's out to some people at work but she would probably never come out to certain people or to her grandma, for instance), a commitment to keep the lines of communication open, an intention to reestablish sex once feasible (her recent pregnancy and childbirth have put that on hold). I know that she values me, lets me in and trusts me more than anyone but her husband, and goes out of her way for me. Yet I do struggle at times, I have visions of a closer life together and I sometimes feel down when I realize that'll probably never happen.

A few things make it easier for me. One, I'm good friends (and then some) with her partner, which makes him an ally rather than a competitor. Two, I deeply respect their relationship... they've been together for 12+ years and married for 6, and have the vast majority of their issues well worked out. And three, there are really no hard and fast rules between us. Sure, my gf would probably end things with me if her husband absolutely insisted, but there's no explicit veto power that ensures that. It's pretty unlikely that we'd ever be able to become co-primary but there's nothing saying we couldn't. It lets the relationship feel organic and open-ended to me.

I don't know if I could deal with an unconditional veto power held by a metamour I didn't know well and trust. For a casual fling sure, but a serious relationship (and yea, secondary relationships can be very serious) where I'm investing a lot of time and energy and making myself really vulnerable? That might well be too scary to handle.
 
try doing a search for "secondaries" or "secondary" here... and you will find a number of threads on how secondaries have dealt with being in that position... including being content and not being content.
 
Thank you redpepper. The link to that thread won't load. I'm very interested in delving into it. Would you mind checking and reposting the link? :)
 
Wow!

I read the thread. The WHOLE thread. There is a lot of passion about this subject!

After reading it, I guess my "secondary" label really only applies to time spent and the investment and co-mingling of day-to-day living. I don't feel "secondary" in the love I receive.

However, there is that sticky point about the veto power in my relationship.....
 
I don't know if I could deal with an unconditional veto power held by a metamour I didn't know well and trust. For a casual fling sure, but a serious relationship (and yea, secondary relationships can be very serious) where I'm investing a lot of time and energy and making myself really vulnerable? That might well be too scary to handle.

:(I'm hoping with time, maybe the veto power won't be an issue. It was brought up in the very beginning. It's been almost a year now. It's just something that I always have in the back of my mind.
 
I'll read the rest of the thread after I post... I'm so impatient!

I know there are a lot of debates about the use of primary and secondary, different people have different ideas about what works for them. These terms have always worked well for me, as long as you throw in "could be a co-primary at some point" at least.

I assume my boyfriend of half a year considers me a secondary partner or equivalent, it's not as if we sit around discussing labels (and I don't think I want to let it matter one way or another). He is married and has another long term relationship. I am OK with feeling and knowing that I am not a primary, as I would not, could not, shouldn't want to be primary to him - as it'd makes no sense at all.

A good thing about dating people vastly different from you/a current partner, is that you can enjoy the good things without feeling sad about what you don't have. The bf is far too autonomous for me to have as a primary partner. If my husband wanted that level of independence and privacy, I never would've married him, and sure wouldn't want to do poly with him. This doesn't stop me from thinking what I have going with my boyfriend is an awesome relationship with lots of good things about it. And if it ends up being a relationship that lasts another month or another 20 years, I am pretty sure I'm comfortable with it being secondary.

This is mainly because nobody is trying to make me feel less than - which is probably what would trigger me to feeling the idea of "secondary" was a bad thing. On the one hand, my bf's wife does not have veto power - though if she did decide she wanted our relationship to end, I don't know what would happen in his head. I thought about asking him this, but truth is...it doesn't matter. Knowing wouldn't be a positive. If she wanted me gone, I think I'd be gone, because I can't see not bringing good things to my relationships, including those of my metamours. It isn't an easy situation for her though, so ya, there's some stress where I'd really prefer rainbows and kittens. I also think we are never going to all spend together and that isn't ideal for me, but I also have the benefit of not spending enough time with him for us to have a fight, or drive each other crazy, and that's nice too!

I tend to want to date people who are married so it does not seem to be an issue for me - but if I was single, or dated single people, I am guessing it could be more of a bone of contention, comparing me to their other partners, in the amount of time, love, commitment I feel. Nevertheless, as it stands, I just focus on what is good, and enjoy what there is.
 
:(I'm hoping with time, maybe the veto power won't be an issue. It was brought up in the very beginning. It's been almost a year now. It's just something that I always have in the back of my mind.

Maybe you could bring it up to him. Tell him that it's been bothering you and ask if he'd be willing to talk to Vivian about it. Like, if she decides you need to go maybe it could be a discussion between him and her, with the likely result that he would let you go, but not an automatic, no-questions-asked veto power. The difference is mainly a semantic one, but it must be tough for you to feel like the relationship could be over at any minute with no say whatsoever from either of the people in it. After almost a year together, and with twice-weekly visits (that's a lot of time!) I don't think that should be too much to at least ask for.
 
I've spent the afternoon composing a heartfelt and deeply thought-out email to Randy. I've asked if it's possible at this point in time in the relationship to pull the veto off the table and agree that the three of us will address relationship issues or problems together. Anxiously awaiting a reply....
 
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