tealheron11
New member
Hi all, last I was on here was December. Something happened last night that was a reminder I'm not out of the woods with my insecurities and worries about relationships. Here is my last thread here which is pretty long and extensive...
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107652&highlight=tealheron11&page=2
Since this last post, I secured a great job near my partner (boyfriend mentioned in thread), and moved across the country. I have a new apartment, new job, and am now 2 hours from him as opposed to 3 time zones. Also, our relationship morphed a lot, became more serious, and I have gradually increased my trust in him. He also seems more invested in it. I am still married but intend to not be forever. Still love and care about husband, but we want different things (and I'm not just talking about people). Values and such. I also don't want to be a part of his "poly family" with his partner, her husband, and kids. It was all too much for me and always was. I felt like it was forced on me from the beginning. Anyway, things have been great in the new situation but I haven't really stopped and processed things because the pace has been so fast and I have just been inundated with life tasks related to moving and starting a new job. What happened last night was related to stupid tinder, AGAIN (this is something I mentioned before). Boyfriend simply updated his music/songs on there (it links to spotify so shows one's music). I interpreted this as that he was using the app and looking at women and I got stuck in an insecurity loop. I completely own my part in this overreaction, as well as the fact that it is ironic I SAW this because I opened the tinder app. I admitted to myself I am only still using the app to look at his stuff, because deep down I worry and it's like a weird monitoring system but very unhealthy. I fear being replaced, because of what happened with my marriage and husband's GF. Admitting this is very embarrassing and vulnerable for me. I feel like I am stalking him or something. Anyway, I told him all of this and admitted it bothered me and asked about it. He was reassuring and said he updated his music on there just like he updates other apps, it was a passive thing and had no intent behind it and he isn't matching with women or talking to anyone. Not exactly sure why we need to keep these dating profiles at this point, but not going to bring that up right now - although at some point I'm sure we'll discuss it. I still have mine too, for god's sake. Anyway, I DO believe him and trust him. He doesn't hide anything from me, including communications with friends and exes, and I have no reason to believe anything else is going on. This worry is like the opposite I felt when I was openly engaging in an open relationship with my husband. I didn't care about this stuff, didn't even think about it, and didn't feel jealousy or negatively until the current GF really got into the picture and that was due to her behavior and the patterns of their relationship.
I really am not sure whether my current feelings and reactions to things are due to my relationship orientation (not poly and never was, only was able to be open with husband), my experiences with poly and hurt, or just the dynamics with my partner. Maybe I am more weirdly insecure with him because we have a different relationship. Maybe it is because I have been wounded because of what happened to me. I do not 100% regret becoming poly, even though it may have changed the course of my life forever. I don't think poly ended my marriage. I did have other positive experiences besides becoming involved with my BF, including making new lifelong friends and learning a lot about myself and boundaries.
Not sure what I am looking for with this post, maybe just some outside insight or validation from those who have been there. Thanks for listening!
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107652&highlight=tealheron11&page=2
Since this last post, I secured a great job near my partner (boyfriend mentioned in thread), and moved across the country. I have a new apartment, new job, and am now 2 hours from him as opposed to 3 time zones. Also, our relationship morphed a lot, became more serious, and I have gradually increased my trust in him. He also seems more invested in it. I am still married but intend to not be forever. Still love and care about husband, but we want different things (and I'm not just talking about people). Values and such. I also don't want to be a part of his "poly family" with his partner, her husband, and kids. It was all too much for me and always was. I felt like it was forced on me from the beginning. Anyway, things have been great in the new situation but I haven't really stopped and processed things because the pace has been so fast and I have just been inundated with life tasks related to moving and starting a new job. What happened last night was related to stupid tinder, AGAIN (this is something I mentioned before). Boyfriend simply updated his music/songs on there (it links to spotify so shows one's music). I interpreted this as that he was using the app and looking at women and I got stuck in an insecurity loop. I completely own my part in this overreaction, as well as the fact that it is ironic I SAW this because I opened the tinder app. I admitted to myself I am only still using the app to look at his stuff, because deep down I worry and it's like a weird monitoring system but very unhealthy. I fear being replaced, because of what happened with my marriage and husband's GF. Admitting this is very embarrassing and vulnerable for me. I feel like I am stalking him or something. Anyway, I told him all of this and admitted it bothered me and asked about it. He was reassuring and said he updated his music on there just like he updates other apps, it was a passive thing and had no intent behind it and he isn't matching with women or talking to anyone. Not exactly sure why we need to keep these dating profiles at this point, but not going to bring that up right now - although at some point I'm sure we'll discuss it. I still have mine too, for god's sake. Anyway, I DO believe him and trust him. He doesn't hide anything from me, including communications with friends and exes, and I have no reason to believe anything else is going on. This worry is like the opposite I felt when I was openly engaging in an open relationship with my husband. I didn't care about this stuff, didn't even think about it, and didn't feel jealousy or negatively until the current GF really got into the picture and that was due to her behavior and the patterns of their relationship.
I really am not sure whether my current feelings and reactions to things are due to my relationship orientation (not poly and never was, only was able to be open with husband), my experiences with poly and hurt, or just the dynamics with my partner. Maybe I am more weirdly insecure with him because we have a different relationship. Maybe it is because I have been wounded because of what happened to me. I do not 100% regret becoming poly, even though it may have changed the course of my life forever. I don't think poly ended my marriage. I did have other positive experiences besides becoming involved with my BF, including making new lifelong friends and learning a lot about myself and boundaries.
Not sure what I am looking for with this post, maybe just some outside insight or validation from those who have been there. Thanks for listening!