How poly experiences change you/update

tealheron11

New member
Hi all, last I was on here was December. Something happened last night that was a reminder I'm not out of the woods with my insecurities and worries about relationships. Here is my last thread here which is pretty long and extensive...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107652&highlight=tealheron11&page=2

Since this last post, I secured a great job near my partner (boyfriend mentioned in thread), and moved across the country. I have a new apartment, new job, and am now 2 hours from him as opposed to 3 time zones. Also, our relationship morphed a lot, became more serious, and I have gradually increased my trust in him. He also seems more invested in it. I am still married but intend to not be forever. Still love and care about husband, but we want different things (and I'm not just talking about people). Values and such. I also don't want to be a part of his "poly family" with his partner, her husband, and kids. It was all too much for me and always was. I felt like it was forced on me from the beginning. Anyway, things have been great in the new situation but I haven't really stopped and processed things because the pace has been so fast and I have just been inundated with life tasks related to moving and starting a new job. What happened last night was related to stupid tinder, AGAIN (this is something I mentioned before). Boyfriend simply updated his music/songs on there (it links to spotify so shows one's music). I interpreted this as that he was using the app and looking at women and I got stuck in an insecurity loop. I completely own my part in this overreaction, as well as the fact that it is ironic I SAW this because I opened the tinder app. I admitted to myself I am only still using the app to look at his stuff, because deep down I worry and it's like a weird monitoring system but very unhealthy. I fear being replaced, because of what happened with my marriage and husband's GF. Admitting this is very embarrassing and vulnerable for me. I feel like I am stalking him or something. Anyway, I told him all of this and admitted it bothered me and asked about it. He was reassuring and said he updated his music on there just like he updates other apps, it was a passive thing and had no intent behind it and he isn't matching with women or talking to anyone. Not exactly sure why we need to keep these dating profiles at this point, but not going to bring that up right now - although at some point I'm sure we'll discuss it. I still have mine too, for god's sake. Anyway, I DO believe him and trust him. He doesn't hide anything from me, including communications with friends and exes, and I have no reason to believe anything else is going on. This worry is like the opposite I felt when I was openly engaging in an open relationship with my husband. I didn't care about this stuff, didn't even think about it, and didn't feel jealousy or negatively until the current GF really got into the picture and that was due to her behavior and the patterns of their relationship.

I really am not sure whether my current feelings and reactions to things are due to my relationship orientation (not poly and never was, only was able to be open with husband), my experiences with poly and hurt, or just the dynamics with my partner. Maybe I am more weirdly insecure with him because we have a different relationship. Maybe it is because I have been wounded because of what happened to me. I do not 100% regret becoming poly, even though it may have changed the course of my life forever. I don't think poly ended my marriage. I did have other positive experiences besides becoming involved with my BF, including making new lifelong friends and learning a lot about myself and boundaries.

Not sure what I am looking for with this post, maybe just some outside insight or validation from those who have been there. Thanks for listening!
 
To clarify.... you and your boyfriend are now monogamous and have agreed to that? If that's the case, then can't you both just agree to delete the apps on your phones and be done with it? If you haven't agreed to monogamy, it certainly sounds like you want that and should consider asking for what you want.
 
Hi teal,

It sounds like things are coming along nicely with your partner/boyfriend. It's just that niggling Tinder thing that is nipping at your edges. Can I ask, do you want to be monogamous with your partner/boyfriend? Have you asked him about that as a possibility? If so, what did he say? Are you planning to talk with him soon about the possibility of deleting your Tinder accounts? That would certainly be a step along the way toward monogamy. Or do you feel that once the poly can has been opened, there is no way to get it back closed again?

Hopefully we can help.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hey guys -
I am fairly certain we are monogamous and that is how things are shaping up. We have not had a formal conversation of "this is what we are doing!" yet. I know he is not dating or talking to anyone. I still talk to my former husband regularly, because he is still like family, but there is nothing sexual or romantic about it. I am not seeking other partners, either. I think what's weird about the whole existence of dating apps is because our relationship was different when we first met and I was openly poly, with my husband and dating other people and so was he (BF). It gradually got more exclusive until it led up to where we are now. Tinder has also been a third party involved (the app, not necessarily people on it, if that makes sense lol). I would have no problem deleting it. I still have an okcupid which I never check or open and don't even know my freaking password. I would get rid of that also. I think he might be waiting until we take another "serious step" like moving in together but not sure how soon that will be. It's worth discussing at some point.

In the meantime, I'm looking for a therapist for myself to work through all my feelings and try to reign in my reactions to things and sort out insecurities. I don't think tinder is an actual threat to my relationship, even though it's weird. I think my experience with polyamory shapes how I view everything.
 
Sounds like Tinder itself is not the problem ... rather, it is your feelings about Tinder. You want to do some digging and find out where those feelings are coming from, and hopefully alleviate those feelings. Do I understand that right?
 
Yes, that is correct. I had an overreaction but it wasn't exactly about the situation or the context.

I was a lot more secure in myself and my relationship when I was mono with my husband. Poly sort of threw all that out of whack - not that I am blaming it or thinking it is a bad choice. I am a lot more insecure about this relationship and the future because I have seen how things can change. I know that is true about all relationships and life.

But, i do not like this anxious apprehension/on edge feeling like the shoe will drop any moment. I don't like asking for or needing reassurance - personally, I think this is unhealthy and reinforces a cognition cycle. Kind of like someone with health anxiety continuing to go to the doctor for reassurance they don't have cancer- even though it makes them feel better (reassurance) it continues to create this vortex of needing that any time there is a problem or questions. I find that a lot of poly folks are very vocal and upfront about telling the other person what you need (such as, asking for reassurance) and this doesn't always sit well with me. I think you have to consider a lot of things, boundaries for one, and the reason why you need such reassurance. Hope this makes sense and I am not offending anyone!

I am working on getting in tune with myself and trying to catch myself in these anxious moments and really fall into it, rather than jump into doing something about it. We'll see how it goes!
 
I am hearing you say you want some independence, and to be your own reassurer. Like if you could sort of catch yourself having the kind of thoughts that make you feel anxious, you could say something affirming to yourself, something like, "Wait a minute ... I know that my partner is not matching with women or talking to anyone. His Tinder activity is strictly passive. I am not in danger of being replaced, this is not the same situation as the one with my husband and his girlfriend. I *do* believe my partner. He can be trusted. He doesn't hide anything from me. I am just having an overreaction because of bad experiences I've had in the past." Repeated enough, the affirmation may help to alleviate the insecure feelings. You don't have to ask your partner/boyfriend for this reassurance, you can do it yourself. Does that help?
 
But, i do not like this anxious apprehension/on edge feeling like the shoe will drop any moment. I don't like asking for or needing reassurance - personally, I think this is unhealthy and reinforces a cognition cycle.

Not sure what a cognition cycle is, but if it's a hamster wheel of anxiety, that is a matter of the specific thoughts that are on repeat in a person's mind, not a matter of relationship style. Seeking constant reassurance from partners is not inherent in poly, just as ipso facto emotional security is not an automatic in monogamy. A person can feel terribly insecure in a mono relationship and a person can feel rock solid in a poly relationship. Emotional security is not a factor of our outer world, but of our ability to unequivocally know and stand by what and who we want in a relationship without looking to another to bolster weak self-knowledge and esteem.
 
I was a lot more secure in myself and my relationship when I was mono with my husband. Poly sort of threw all that out of whack - not that I am blaming it or thinking it is a bad choice. I am a lot more insecure about this relationship and the future because I have seen how things can change. I know that is true about all relationships and life.

Yes, it's true in all relationships. But it's more true in poly as you have seen firsthand. It makes sense to me that you feel apprehension.


Can you and your boyfriend talk about both getting rid of tinder and what your long term wishes with each other are?
 
Back
Top