No dates for me: how to avoid playing the victim?

acutair

New member
Hey folks,

So, a familiar story ... newly opened hetero marriage: she has ample dates, I'm struggling to get anyone on OKC to even notice me. Online and off, married men over 50 seem to be kryptonite haha.

I've been reading and thinking and processing quite a bit. At this point I don't feel jealous, and I'm assured that she loves me wholeheartedly, so that's good.

But I'm not happy, either - it feels like someone has said, "Hey, there's this great new thing you can have - a terrific marriage AND dates with other women," but when I reach for it, there's nothing there.

I was reading another thread here, and some wise, senior member cautioned someone against falling into a victim role - she mentioned it was his choice to assume or not assume that posture.

I don't want to be a victim. Can someone maybe share some coping strategies to get through this rough patch?

I'm really trying to stay as open and loving about myself, my wife, and our choices as I can.

Thanks. Y'all are super awesome. :)

Andre
 
Hey folks,

So, a familiar story ... newly opened hetero marriage: she has ample dates, I'm struggling to get anyone on OKC to even notice me. Online and off, married men over 50 seem to be kryptonite haha.

I've been reading and thinking and processing quite a bit. At this point I don't feel jealous, and I'm assured that she loves me wholeheartedly, so that's good.

But I'm not happy, either - it feels like someone has said, "Hey, there's this great new thing you can have - a terrific marriage AND dates with other women," but when I reach for it, there's nothing there.

I was reading another thread here, and some wise, senior member cautioned someone against falling into a victim role - she mentioned it was his choice to assume or not assume that posture.

I don't want to be a victim. Can someone maybe share some coping strategies to get through this rough patch?

I'm really trying to stay as open and loving about myself, my wife, and our choices as I can.

Thanks. Y'all are super awesome. :)

Andre

What are you able to offer other people? This is a gross generalization but I've found women are less likely to be interested in secondary relationships, particularly very hierarchical secondary relationships, than men.
 
What are you able to offer other people?

Fair question.

I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking, although I guess the latter is a matter of opinion. ;-) I would absolutely date me haha.

This is a gross generalization but I've found women are less likely to be interested in secondary relationships, particularly very hierarchical secondary relationships, than men.

Good point. I'm sure my marital status is a bigger impediment than my age, qualities, looks, &c.
 
Fair question.

I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking, although I guess the latter is a matter of opinion. ;-) I would absolutely date me haha.



Good point. I'm sure my marital status is a bigger impediment than my age, qualities, looks, &c.

What I meant is that your potential matches will be significantly reduced if it seems you're only able to offer a restrictive secondary relationship. For example, if you have to remain closeted or you can't do overnights.
 
yes, you need to very specific in what type of relationship you can offer. You also may want to target yourself specifically to women who would be interested in this type of scenario, for instance a career woman with limited time (but then you might have to adapt to her scedule than the other way around).
 
What I meant is that your potential matches will be significantly reduced if it seems you're only able to offer a restrictive secondary relationship. For example, if you have to remain closeted or you can't do overnights.

Ah. Ok, yeah - I see that, and yes, I'm not sure I'm willing to do more than "date" (go somewhere, hang out, possible sexy time?).

But honestly, things on OKC have never even gotten that far along, where I'm having this kind of discussion. My assumption is it's my overall martial status, not any flexibility I may or may not have in that relationship, that's the big red light.

I could be wrong, and I appreciate your thoughts - I hadn't considered this stuff.
 
yes, you need to very specific in what type of relationship you can offer. You also may want to target yourself specifically to women who would be interested in this type of scenario, for instance a career woman with limited time (but then you might have to adapt to her scedule than the other way around).

Thanks - I never considered that approach. Can't hurt, I guess.
 
The thing is that, unless you do a lot of thinking through what you want and what , they are going to sense that you don't know what you are doing and that will give off an unsafe vibe... This is not just true for men. I know the reason why I was able to work out things with my now boyfriend was that I was very specific on how I wanted to do things. Openness, honesty, scedules... If it is vague, it is not going to be tempting.
 
The thing is that, unless you do a lot of thinking through what you want and what , they are going to sense that you don't know what you are doing and that will give off an unsafe vibe...

Huh. I never really considered that. I just thought an overall "I'm a great guy" with a few specifics thrown in a couple decent pictures would tell the whole story.

Maybe I need to target my market more carefully.

Thanks - I really appreciate your perspective.
 
I updated my OKC profile a bit ... what do you think?

- - -
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!
 
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If you are dating mono, you can allow yourself to do the "let's just see how things play out". Spontaniety can be fun, but to go with the flow in poly means that things are likely to play out into jealousy and other stuff that you don't want. I didn't use to have a problem getting guys but getting them comfortable about the poly part was challenging. Even guys I have dated who were in relationships have acted like I was weird for being attracted to more than one person.

Dating poly, unless you date only poly people you are both introducing a new lifestyle AND at the same time throwing more people into the mix. I for instance expect (or expected, since I am not looking for more people) a potentional partner to meet and get along with my husband, so in one way it is kind of like dating with kids. You don't want to have this great relationship but they don't like your partner. OR...it could be that you don't want your potentional love interest to meet your partner at all, some do it like that, but she needs to know so that she can know if this is something she can be a on board with or not (it might suit her very fine or not so much).

Things you might want to consider:
- can you guys have sex at your house (in/out of your marriage bed)?
- is it ok if people know about you dating her?
- do you want to scedule dates or just randomly meet up?
- are you looking for sex, a tiny romance or a serious relationship?
- how do you plan to do safer sex?
- how is your agreement with your wife on the ammount of money you can spend on dates (gifts, food, hotel room, weekend trips)?
- do you disclose to your wife what your dates with new woman is like?
 
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I updated my OKC profile a bit ... what do you think?

- - -
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!

Yes, this is what I meant. Many people scan profiles and won't necessarily ask about things that aren't clear. If it isn't immediately apparent that you're compatible or what you're about, they won't hang around to find out. That's the downside of Internet dating, I guess.
 
Re your profile, I would take out the part about being "good in the sack" unless you're only looking for NSA sex. Of course, most women looking for relationships on OKC want sex, too, but when it's so overt in a profile like that, it's not appealing. There are so many guys out there who only want to use women for sex, or are desperate for it, that it is much better not to mention sex at all so that it doesn't seem like that's what you're all about. In fact, I think most women find it a bit creepy when sex is mentioned even in the initial emails and during a first date. For me personally, I rarely ever contact a guy who talks about sex in his profile, and generally snicker at the claim that they are good in bed for a number of reasons.

How do you generally introduce yourself in your messages when you contact women?

What a lot of men forget is that, for women, safety is an issue we have to live with every day, so even the slightest hint at someone possibly being predatory will be a red flag or make a woman avoid contacting you. Especially when it comes to online dating. Just my take on it.

In a profile of a poly guy, I'd want to see some mention about what kind of relationships he wants and how he manages his time, as well as his general philosophy on, or approach to, non-monogamy - especially if he's married. So, I like your second paragraph, although you might want to add that you're not looking for a woman to get involved with your wife and you together, but just someone for you to date.
 
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Yes, this is what I meant. Many people scan profiles and won't necessarily ask about things that aren't clear. If it isn't immediately apparent that you're compatible or what you're about, they won't hang around to find out. That's the downside of Internet dating, I guess.

Yup, I see what you mean now - thanks!
 
Re your profile, I would take out the part about being "good in the sack" unless you're only looking for NSA sex...

Oh, good call - thanks much.

I appreciate your other advice, too - I'm going to be AFK for a bit, but I really appreciate the information here. A lot of things I just never considered you folks have really made clear - THANKS!
 
I updated my OKC profile a bit ... what do you think?
Nobody got to your second paragraph because they were turned off by the first. (far too try-hard) Your marriage isn't the problem.

- - -
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!
 
The more you read, you'll find it's quite common that men have a harder time finding poly dating partners. I think far fewer women are willing to have what amounts to a largely no strings attached, not really going anywhere, always the one on the sidelines sort of relationship.

My feeling on reading your first paragraph is that it sounds like many poly men's profiles on OKC, back when I was reading them. The message is: I'm such an incredible guy that you should be quite happy to get any little crumbs I'm willing to toss you, and be happy to spend any time in my company, knowing you're never going to be the real relationship in my life.

This goes back to what Might Max asked: what do you have to offer a woman?

I found with XBF that what he was offering me was whatever his wife let him, in the end. It began to feel very much like I was filling in all the empty spaces in his life while his wife dated every man in the state, in return for her treating me like a plaything to entertain him...in return for taking care of my home and my job all by myself while he killed himself providing for her...in return for him actually finally hoping I'd come and help him with a major home project for her home because she couldn't get off the internet and her man hunt and buying her new jewelry long enough to help...in return for him hoping I'd spend the next ten years of my life with him knowing he planned on retiring out of state with her and I guess I was just supposed to cheerfully wave goodbye? :confused:

THIS to me is where the real question is of: what do you really have to offer a woman? Women's emotions typically (not always, but typically) do get involved and they typically date with the intention of seeking a real partnership. You can't offer that.
 
The use of the word "gal" in the profile throws me off more than the mention of being great in bed.
 
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