Polyamorous just in words or actions too

That said-he has a lot of shit to work through. He is seeing it more, through his own eyes. He doesn't like what he see's, but my prayer is that he also see's the good side of what could be. It doesn't have to be the shithole he's used to.

Our family is always available to lend support to yours LR. Wish we could have another chat in person :eek:
 
ME TOO!
I was supposed to buy tickets to Kauai for Maca and I for Xmas. But there were complications and I didn't get to.
So we've been looking at Washington/Canada again, but we haven't bought any yet.
Too much going on, too much stress. :(
 
Update

So,
Maca has met someone he's interested in having as a full-time girlfriend.

Now, he's interested in changing some of the "rules" and "boundaries" that were in place before. He says that he now understands how the limitations he put on GG and I were unfair, unreasonable and limited our ability to have a real relationship.

I'm glad he is seeing this. But I'm frustrated with wondering if he REALLY see's it, or if it's just a "well shit, those rules don't allow me to do what I want-so I'm going to have to change them to do what I want" situation..........:confused: :(
 
There really is only one way to know, Lover.

I cant make you believe me or trust my words but I can tell you that, having to face my own insecurities and fears has changed my prespective.
In the last few days, I have not only been at ease with you and GG but Ive not felt the instictive reaction of jealousy and fear. Thats not to say that I dont still have issues that I need to be mindful of and be in control of, but its alot easier now that I understand how my fears have been so limiting to your relationship with GG.
Even if things dont work out with R, Ive learned some things by being with her. Things that make me a better person.


Maca
 
This sounds mean....but I'm glad to see other cpls on here who are having issues....Other than my wife and myself.

I honestly hope everything works out for you guys Maca and LR and GG. ;)
 
This sounds mean....but I'm glad to see other cpls on here who are having issues....Other than my wife and myself.

I honestly hope everything works out for you guys Maca and LR and GG. ;)

I understand what you are saying. I think we'll get there. We've already made progress through SO MANY things together. It's just a matter of "sticking it out til you get there".
;)

It's the significant difference between "forever" and FOREVER.
Our love is FOREVER.
So there isn't another option but to work it out or die trying.
 
This sounds mean....but I'm glad to see other cpls on here who are having issues....Other than my wife and myself.

Actually, it breaks my heart when I see people having issues. However, on the other hand, I find myself personally relating to something and I start thinking how can I change my behavior the next time I find myself in a similar situation with my husband. I end up saying to myself, "See, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Stop over-reacting and find another approach to find a solution."

I am grateful for those who are willing to share their issues, because it does make me feel not so alone with my issues and give me alternate views that I would not have seen on my own.
 
I am grateful for those who are willing to share their issues, because it does make me feel not so alone with my issues and give me alternate views that I would not have seen on my own.
Uou put it so much better than me. Thank you. :)
 
TL4- you're funny. I understand what you mean, though. It doesn't break my heart to read the issues in others' relationships because I accept it as a reality and, without issues, there is no growth, there is no mirror to evaluate self in, there is no light at the end of the tunnel... I look forward to all of those things. It's good to see people who are open enough to sharing the not so stellar parts of their relationships as well as the fantastic parts. For people who are curious, it shows everyone that, no matter the 'make-up' of a relationship, they all work the same in the end. Thanks for sharing, LR. I hope your Maca does honestly 'get it' and see versus desiring changes for selfish reasons. It could be a little of both but it's growth and it seems you are well-prepared to work through it.
 
Well.....

I bought the tickets to Hawaii-for September/October.

Later this month I'm buying myself a ticket to Victoria for July/August.

I set out a suggested "new boundary list" (which wasn't received well initially).

We've started preliminary discussions about the list, changes that we can agree need to be made and definitions of some of the words in it.

Maca now understands that having overnights with GG isn't something I'm looking for right now and we've agreed that our bedroom is "off limits" to any other lovers-for either of us. (I'd already agreed to not have GG in there).

I'm working out details for some of the other (not pertinent to sex/lovers) boundaries that I need to have in my life, something I've never taken time to do out of a sense that I didn't have the "Right" to do that.

I'm working my ass off on self-improvement.

I researched a load of info about how NRE is related to the chemistry in our brains AND how that is impacted by/how it impacts someone with ADD & depression; because Maca and I both suffer from ADD & depression, and GG has ADD.

It's been very enlightening (and disturbing); but the postive note in it was that it has been very disturbingly interesting to Maca as well. This has resulted in him wanting to do some educating of himself in areas that pertain to relationships/life.
 
Well, it sounds like you guys are diligently working towards growth and knowledge which is always great. I wish you the best.
 
It's very daunting. It's the EXACT same way my stepson behaves-a behavior Maca is putting the kid into counseling (again) for....

So that shows that Maca recognizes this behaviour is in appropriate, and that he sees the value that counselling can have in changing inappropriate behaviour. Those are both good signs.

Would he be willing to get counselling too? Because he seems to recognize that all the counselling in the world won't help his son a bit if his primary male role model is displaying the same behaviour. Further, if Maca is able to change this behaviour, he might find that his son's behaviour changes itself...

I see this as a severe double standard, one I've been trying to patiently work with in order for Maca to have time to work on his insecurities and know that I will always love him and I'm not leaving-but I don't believe that he's ACTUALLY doing that.

What about putting a time limit on it? Declare that you'll only refrain yourself from displaying affection to GG in front of Maca until such date, after which Maca will just have to suck it up. And if he wants to throw a fit in public, then you and GG will calmly walk away and pretend not to know the crazy adult having a temper tantrum in the middle of the mall...

There comes a point where patience becomes enablement. By allowing him to control your actions and plan your schedule, you're telling him it's ok for him to do that. You have free will, and you can choose not to obey his commands. People stick with what works: right now, Maca having fits prevents you from doing things he doesn't like. If it stops working, he'll be forced to change his game plan.
 
Saturday/Sunday we stayed up all night and all day talking (Maca and I).

He expressed that he understood why it's hard for me to open up and trust him, rely on him because he's been so "wishy washy" about doing the work needed in order to make this relationship work etc.

He said he was determined and committed to doing the work and making things work.

Every day since he's been moody and insecure, the emotions hovering just below the surface. I've tried to talk with him, reassure him, comfort him etc.

Tuesday we had a good day together. Then just before bed he got pissed, because I told GG that I had written to him adn he wasn't going to appreciate it-but needed to read it. Maca was jealous-because I hadn't written him.
He said, "that was rude".
The conversation went downhill quite quickly and I went to bed.

He came down a little while later and apologized, said he had overreacted etc. We talked about the difference (again) between judging someone/verbally attacking them and expressing ones' own emotion.

It was tense, and I'm feeling guarded again-it's only been a couple DAYS since our talk about how he was going to hold himself accountable to do this stuff..... it's a repetitious pattern. A cycle of emotional/mental abuse and I feel like a moron letting it continue.

I slept on the couch.

This morning he came up and asked me why-I told him I didn't feel comfortable in our room.

He got angry and he's decided he's getting an apartment. He said we need to discuss the $ situation tonight and figure out how to cut expenses (I'm running out of options there) so that he can afford his own place.

The truth is that without another income in the house-there isn't a way to make it work. So either I have to go to work, or he'd have to have a roommate or something. I need a bare minimum of $2000 after GG's income to cover the basic household expenses not including groceries, gas, medication, assundries.....

On top of all of that, what the hell does him getting an apartment MEAN?

I just want the drama to stop. I'm so tired of it all.
:(
 
There comes a point when its blatantly obvious that the person you love is is hurting more because of being with you then if they were without you. I have tried for a long time to "learn" to accept and love you the way that you want me to. To stand by and watch you move on with another man. I have tried, tried to save our marriage and family, tried to save our love and commitment to eachother.

You hate being here, you hate being with me, you hate your life. I cant keep watching you hurt and hate anymore. I told GG that there comes a point when you have to decide if you are doing more damage then good to someone that you love. Sometimes we have to sacrafice our dreams for the ones we love to be able to be the best version of themselves.
 
As I told you in person-after having read your post:

That's not reasonable or rational.

Nothing changed between Sunday when you were all gung-ho and last night when you verbally attacked me. After losing my temper-and your subsequent apology I chose to be responsible and take my overwrought emotions to the couch-giving myself time to process my emotions in order to deal with the situation reasonably.
I didn't do anything to warrant you attacking me this morning with demands to discuss finances so you could move out.

Using my "feelings" that you are assuming with no input from me, is not a legitimate method for communication or dealing with relationships.

If YOU have a need to leave-that is absolutely reasonable for you to state, but to state that it's FOR ME when I haven't stated that you leaving will in any way benefit me, is not reasonable at all.

I agree with Mimi-your money would be MUCH MUCH better spent on counseling than on an apartment. Twice a week with a therapist actively pursing improving YOURSELF, your communication and establishing what it is that you actually want for your life would be much more beneficial to you, us, the family and the kids than you getting an apartment and avoiding the issues that continue to plague you.
 
Don't forget yours m'dear. ;)

I'm getting ready to go eat a pbj, then off to bed.

Maca is already asleep.
GG is here, but working.
 
Back
Top