The Chronicles of TheBlackSwede Continue...

TheBlackSwede

New member
...from such previous threads as:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3675

and

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4446

To the current situation... which I'm about to share with you

We have all, as a family, moved back to the West Coast. We took the drive together, wife, dog, and little boy, all in my truck, towing a u-haul trailer. We made a vacation of it, and in many ways, it was the most fun we've had in years. I was giddy about coming home again, about leaving DC behind, and in that cathartic way that sometimes change can be so exhilarating, I almost felt like I was teenager again. The open road, the V8 engine chugging along, my own two hands and busted knuckles doing repairs and maintenance to keep it alive, experiencing so many new things for the first time, all together. We drove through the South, saw New Orleans, ate Crawdads, basked on a pristine beach in Florida... Its times like those that I could never imagine not having a family, not having a partner, not being a father.

We haven't really BEEN Poly for months... when I came back from my extended stay, I tried dating a new woman, but things didn't work out. The next lady I tried to date flaked on me, and I kinda stopped caring. She didn't look for a new lover because she didn't want me to feel like I was being left out, which, though sweet, was un-necessary (but still appreciated).

Once we were back in CA, she wondered if I'd see my previous lover, N, now that we were back. I told her I wasn't in a rush, and I'm not. A week or so after our return, we bumped into her at the Farmers Market, but G slipped away while I said hi, and avoided meeting her, which made me sad - N is a friend more than a lover, and I'm perfectly happy to keep our relationship as friendship; that's more important to me than sex. I asked her why, and G said that she just wasn't sure if she was ready to meet another of my ladies yet. I understood, and still do. All things in time. Later, she expressed to me that she missed having a lover, a sentiment that I echoed.

It wasn't long after we got back that job offers came in for me, but all were in Los Angeles, as I expected. What I do isn't exactly dependable or consistent, but it pays well, so I took a gig and went up there to work, coming home to see my family on the days off. While I was there, I finally got around to updating my OKC account, listing LA as my new location. Much to my surprise, I got a pretty good amount of interest within only a few days of doing this. One lady seemed particularly interesting and beautiful, so we decided to meet, that same night. It was very spur of the moment, and as she's a few years younger than me, I expected as much.

We met for dinner and drinks, bar-hopping (myself being careful not to drink too much, despite the flowing of Scotch, the booze I can scarcely say no to) a bit. Each time she excused herself to the ladies room to freshen up, she presented me with a new napkin with her lipstick on it, and I kept these. We have chemistry, L and I. We have a lot in common as well, and her and G have more in common than I think either would want to admit... I was of course completely open and honest with both of them, and despite L's insistance that there would be no hanky-panky, and my own lack of expectation, we made love late into the night.

Sheepishly, I snuck home to my friends' house on the West Side where I had been staying (we're not 'out' yet, so our friends don't know), and managed about 2 hours' sleep before another long day of work, this time with friends on their own pet-project, which I had stayed past finishing my previous gig to aid with. Meeting a potential new lover was icing on the cake! As the day wore on, L and I texted covertly; she wanted to cook me dinner that night, and wanted to see me again badly. I did as well. Finally, I headed over at about 10PM, we ate, talked, made love... and damn, the lady can cook! Not as good as G, but I was impressed. This time I brought my mandolin - I played music, she painted. It was so... Bohemian. I left feeling like I was 20 years old again, though an exhausted 20 years old, as I'm actually 30, and was managing all this on 2 hrs. sleep and numerous 14+ hr work days.

I made it back to my friends' house at a reasonable hour, slept like a baby, and banged out a solid day's work the next day, kicking ass and taking names like I haven't done in years, using skills I haven't USED in years. Seems the Old Silverback still knows a thing or two. ;)

Headed back home to my family that night, very happy to be home, and among them. Dealt with a sick kid sunday through now, and a somewhat insecure G. I think she still has issues with me having feelings for another person; it's far too early to know whether or not I love L, the answer for now is, "not yet", and she doesn't like it. I've told her that I can't predict the future, and that my heart will do as it pleases whether I tell it one thing or another - but what I do know, is that my love for her will remain, firm as bedrock, and eclipsing all other feelings I have save those towards my child, until my dying day. I don't know if I'll fall in love with L... but I think it could happen. I'm definitely twitterpated though. :)

I haven't had work all week, and L is missing me... G doesn't want me to go up there just to see her... and this early on, I guess I can understand that. But I'm hoping I get more work, soon, and not just because we could use the money.

Thanks for reading. More to come as it happens. Feels good to get this out somewhere. Hope you all are well.

-Svart
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Well, now I may have an excuse to see her tomorrow night. A friend's birthday, and G doesn't seem keen on driving all the way up there for it, and she suggested I go. I asked L if she'd be my date, and she happily accepted, with the caveat that we can't stay at her place, as she has a houseguest (and lives in a tiny little studio).

Now the dilema I have is, do I out us to our friends who I would be staying with? Or do I pay for a hotel room? Hopefully G will not object to the hotel, which I think would be much more fun anyhow.

I need to do something to remind G how important she is to me. We're about to move into our new house, but we're still about a week and a couple days from that. I'm not sure whether I should wait until we've moved in, or if I should take the initiative and cook up something big and special for her now. She's seemed a little down lately, and I don't want that to forment into resentment or anger. She's my #1, and I need to make sure she knows that.... but how? I just bought her a new iPhone 4, and some delicious treats for her birthday, and we've been doing fun stuff together, but it just doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I would have taken HER to the party, but she didn't want to go. I need to figure out something I can do JUST for her. Ideas?
 
Well, now I may have an excuse to see her tomorrow night. A friend's birthday, and G doesn't seem keen on driving all the way up there for it, and she suggested I go.

Where are you guys located? Sounds like G may be San Diego way, while your in LA. If that's the case, seriously consider Amtrak. It's like $20 one way and totally worth it on a Friday night, if you have a ride on each end.
 
Where are you guys located? Sounds like G may be San Diego way, while your in LA. If that's the case, seriously consider Amtrak. It's like $20 one way and totally worth it on a Friday night, if you have a ride on each end.

Yeah, "home base" is SD, I mostly work in LA, and sometimes play. Amtrak is great, but yeah, the trick is getting around once I'm there. Downtown, Venice, Santa Monica, Hollywood, Pomona... I have lots of places to be, and don't always know when/where. The plan is to buy a motorcycle and keep it in LA, but the money isn't there for it yet.
 
Yeah, "home base" is SD, I mostly work in LA, and sometimes play. Amtrak is great, but yeah, the trick is getting around once I'm there. Downtown, Venice, Santa Monica, Hollywood, Pomona... I have lots of places to be, and don't always know when/where. The plan is to buy a motorcycle and keep it in LA, but the money isn't there for it yet.

Was actually thinking, that next time, G could catch the train and you could pick her up, but if you don't have a car, that's tough. I flat refuse to leave town on a Friday afternoon. If I can't get out before noon, I wait til after 8pm.
 
Last edited:
Well, we have two cars, actually, and I considered keeping one in LA permanently, but I like having two when I'm home in SD. That way if she's at the store or off taking care of something, and I need to run out, I can. Cost of parking it in LA though would make it all pointless. Better to just time my drives right and not sweat the miles on the vehicles. I seldom run into traffic now, as I've kinda got all the timings down, from years of living in LA and visiting my folks in SD. ...but I digress.


A relationship type update:

G has apparently been feeling neglected since I started working in LA - since before L was in the picture. This was not something I was made aware of, and had I been aware of it, I would not have brought another into the mix, but that is done now, and calling it off with L at this point would be punishing L for something she had no hand in. Time to redouble my focus on making sure G feels loved and supported.

The party was a gas - we're not "out" to all of our friends, but I told two of them that night, as I had planned to crash in their spare bedroom after the party with L, and coming out at that point was a necessity, either that or shell out for a hotel. They were glad I came out, and were very understanding and supportive! They wanted to meet L, but ended up dealing with some of their own stuff that night and the next morning and were unable to join us at the party, or meet for breakfast in the AM. One of them is very sick with a chronic disease, and sometimes needs to step back from social situations etc.

Anyhow, nobody at the party knew L and I were together. My friend whose birthday it was was very happily surprised I showed up, and even moreso with a new 'friend' who he had never met, and wasn't my wife. He was quite obviously suspicious, but I told him not to overthink it, that all was well in the world of Svart and G, and that it was a long story I'd tell him over beers and burritos some other time. He gave me one of those "dude, I don't give a shit, you're my amigo" shrugs and the evening proceeded from there.

Well, being a couple at a party can be dull... but not if nobody at the party knows you're a couple! The gaggle of men following L around like little lost puppies was no end of entertainment! Ahead of time we talked about how it would go and I basically told her to act like she and I were just friends - no PDA, flirting at a minimum, but she could feel free to flirt with others, etc, which is very natural for her. Only one or two people noticed me watching her, which was mostly able to be passed off as me looking out for my buddy. I wasn't jealous of all the attention she was receiving, or even giving, though I did wish we could have been more intimate together at the party. I got a little peeved as I thought she was ignoring my subtle hints that I wanted to leave as the night wore on, but as it turns out, she's actually fairly oblivious to subtlety - not something I'm used to. Next time, a kick in the ass and a "hey, time to go" is what it'll take, as opposed to a hand on the shoulder and a glance in the direction of the door.

The five or six men who were all trying to get in her pants were all understandably befuddled and disappointed when L left with her buddy the married guy. :p

Lots of talking, making out, and passionate lovemaking until the sun came up. Filled with NRE. Feelings for L are growing quickly, though I haven't dropped the "L" word, it's pretty obvious, even with her obliviousness, and it's even more obvious she's feeling the same way. This is by far the best experience I've ever had with another woman besides G, and as great as it is, it still doesn't hold a candle to what I feel for her, nor has it taken away from it at all, but it has compounded G's feelings of neglect from when I was away before - and that's what I'm focused on fixing right now. Incredibly, L has been extremely willing to give good relationship advice, and I'm starting to feel the love and support around me. This is incredible. If I can make G feel the same way once more, I'll melt.

-Svart
 
Things with G are coming along well, despite the fact that I've been under the weather. We had a fun time out on Sunday, saw a movie, and I secretly bought her a gift that she actually needed (sunglasses). This won a few points for thoughtfulness.

I've also been writing her a song, and I sent it to her today, and she seems ok.

...but I haven't told her how I feel about L yet, and I'm really, really worried about how she'll take it.
 
In some strange way, I think I'm more jealous about L than I am with G - and I'm not the jealous type at all. Maybe this is because I've had so many years with G and have been well reassured... I KNOW she loves me and she'll always come back to me. L? Insufficient data for hypothesis.
 
... and a somewhat insecure G. I think she still has issues with me having feelings for another person; ....

This seems to be where the energy is in what you have written, and I'd like to know more about that. What is meant by "issues"? How strong are these? Are you working with / on it together? How? If not, why? ....
 
This seems to be where the energy is in what you have written, and I'd like to know more about that. What is meant by "issues"? How strong are these? Are you working with / on it together? How? If not, why? ....

Good questions... thanks for reading, and for asking - it helps me think of things maybe I hadn't thought of before. I'll do my best to answer.

In terms of her insecurity, I think in this instance it was stemming from the whole feeling left out thing when I was working and apart from her, but I do think her insecurities are deeper than that, and even when she consciously has a grip on them, I'm not so sure she's ever 100% on a subconscious level - nor do I think she's ever really going to be. This has to do with her own image issues, not so much with me and other women. She does seem fine that I see others, but she still bristles at the idea of me having feelings for another woman, even though she consciously knows it's not going to change the way I feel about her, or the fact that she's the primary - she is, and always will be. Everyone knows that and is perfectly comfortable with it.

I think lately she just needed me to do a better job of SHOWING her that - something I've been working on, and lately she seems a lot better. I'm sure that'll all go straight out the window when I tell her I'm having serious feelings for L, and I'll have a whole new mess of insecurities to allay, but that seems to be par for the course. I haven't told her yet, but I have demonstrated that L and I are getting closer, and that she's not just some random chick I'm banging.

Maybe seeking a third party to help discuss these things might be a good idea, but I'd like to try and work through them ourselves first - we've come this far, and we're very proud of that. We are stronger together than ever because of the work we've done and experiences we've had individually and together. This is the next step in that journey, and its a terrifying one.
 
Last edited:
Talked with G quite a bit today. It's been difficult to find a chance where we can really TALK - we're staying with my folks here until we can move into our house next week. They're usually around, and so is our little boy, so that complicates proper communication - we don't even have our own room here, and there have been times I've feel like crawling out of my skin here. I love my family more than life itself, I truly do, but the inability to really communicate with my wife (let alone be intimate in any PROPER way) is driving me crazy.

We talked, and while I still haven't told her that I love L, she knows I have feelings for her, and that she's more than a lover - that it's a relationship. She's really jealous. ...and also pissed at me - seems to think that I'm one-sided, because of how badly her last experience went, and maybe I was a little too needy, but there were serious red flags going off (read the link at the top of the thread), and I had valid concerns which compounded my own insecurity. I think that had there NOT been these red flags, I would probably have been fine. There was also a lot of excitement and compersion on my part, and I'm sure a lot of that came off as me "grilling" her or being negative/needy because of my other concerns, but most of the time I asked her questions or wanted to talk was because I wanted to connect with her, and enjoy her enjoying the experience. In the end, of course, my concerns about the guy's character were valid - he lied about being tested since having a sexual partner last, and he gave us Chlamydia. That was the point at which they ended it, at my request.

G and I have a different set of ideas about who we want to fuck. I wouldn't want to fuck someone who I wouldn't want as a friend, and she wouldn't want to fuck someone she WOULD want as a friend. She likes her men dangerous, I guess, which is probably part of why she likes ME. Maybe I need to get her a motorcycle.

She was upset that I was open to having feelings for someone, and that I think we both should be - she had feelings for a lover when we were in college, and that ended in trainwreck - nearly ended US along with it. I understand her reluctance to go down that path again, but we're older, more mature, we've learned so much, grown so much. I have faith that we can handle it now, while we clearly couldn't when we were 19. That was literally more than a decade ago.

There have been lots of things from her like "Why am I not enough?", but it's not her that's not enough. I don't want a ruddy harem, I'm a poppa-bear, not a playa, but I definitely feel like Poly is right for me, and that it's something I need. Honestly, I'm afraid that if we can't BE poly, I'll find myself cheating sometime in the future, and I'd hate myself for it. I hate lies. I hate sneaking. I hate betrayal.

Sigh.

Edit: L has been very understanding, giving, and patient. She's wonderful, and I'm very thankful. I want to go to her, and god knows I could use the support... but I can't leave G like this.
 
Man I been reading her e a bit and I still get confused. You got a long story here, but looks like you going full force and take it as it comes. Thats cool.

Just tell the truth man, why hold back. No walking around trying to be careful - it never works. out with it, dude, say your truth. women don't need kid gloves tretamnt.
 
Well, I hadn't set out looking to have feelings for another. Just some fun, a FWB was my perfect definition of a lover. L... she became something more, and very quickly. G is not OK with this. She's now saying that maybe this was all a mistake, that it all feels wrong, and we should never have done it in the first place. She freaks out if I want to see L for a night, even if G is going to be in town the next day so I can see her, she thinks I don't care about her and don't want to see her, that I'm just trying to justify seeing L. She doesn't realize I want to see them both.

She's breaking my heart. I never thought I'd be able to have feelings for another person like this, and now that I finally do, I can feel G alternating between pushing me away and pulling me back. This blissful experience is unraveling before me and I just don't know what I can do to stop it.

She can't handle knowing I have an actual relationship with someone, how could she possibly handle knowing I have real feelings for her too?

If I call it of with L, I'll be miserable, and G will make me feel like shit for it for years to come. If I don't, G will be miserable, and make me feel like shit for it for years to come, unless she can just learn to deal with it. If there's one thing I know for a FACT that I do NOT want, it's a bitter wife. I saw my father suffer at the hands of one for decades, and I am not going to let that happen to me.
 
It doesn't help that you are not home most of the week. How often during the week do you spend on the phone, skype, texting, etc with your wife? It sounds like your wife is in need of some serious attention that lets her know you are thinking of her even if your are not with her. She may be feeling like she has been relegated to "secondary", 1. because of your NRE with L and 2. she only gets you on the weekends.
 
It doesn't help that you are not home most of the week. How often during the week do you spend on the phone, skype, texting, etc with your wife? It sounds like your wife is in need of some serious attention that lets her know you are thinking of her even if your are not with her. She may be feeling like she has been relegated to "secondary", 1. because of your NRE with L and 2. she only gets you on the weekends.

Due to the nature of the work that I do, it's sporadic at best - I haven't actually worked for two weeks - and for all but one night of those two weeks, I have been at home, with G.
 
Seems like we're taking a new approach on this - ignoring it. Maybe if we just don't make a big deal out of it she'll realize it's actually not a big deal at all.


....and monkeys might fly out of my butt....



Edit: Yep. G knows I love L. She's not happy about this. Pissed at me, jealous, feels like I'm changing the rules of the game, etc. Feelings were never part of the original discussion, but we had talked about them becoming part of it - I thought this was something she'd be ok with if things between US didn't change - for me they haven't, not one bit. Fuck it. Keep calm, and carry on. If it works for the British, maybe it can work for us too. No point in acting like spoiled children, in any case.
 
Last edited:
Tonight, G and I went out wine and beer tasting at a local place. We didn't say a word about our current situation, and instead just worked on having fun and loving/enjoying each other, which was a total success. We found several incredible finds - an Italian wine that was delicious, a Swedish-made English Porter (1/2 idjit) that was one of the best I've ever had, and a Belgian Golden style ale called "Fallen Angel" which was such a delight to behold.

We walked home, my arms laden with new purchases (a place that lets you drink booze there AND buy bottles is dangerous), and it was just a wonderful little moment. On the way home, we saw three full-grown barn owls living in a palm tree together, and heard babies within. We stood there for five minutes watching them fly, silently, in awe. If ever there was an omen, this was it. ...I guess owls are Poly. ;)
 
Today, I did something stupid, I'll admit it freely. To be fair, I was caught off-guard, and I think it was done deliberately. We hit the drive-thru (not a usual thing, but we needed a snack in a pinch) and while I was paying the lady, taking the food, and trying to unwrap a straw, G hit me with the whole, "Gee, L must be really pretty if she does pinup modeling..."

Right there, alarm bells should have been going off - "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!", but as I had my hands full, and wasn't really paying attention, I just answered the question with an unwittingly stupid response, that was of course taken COMPLETELY the wrong way. "Huh? Oh yeah, she's pretty. You could totally model too, I mean, I guess I don't really think she's any prettier than you are."

WRONG ANSWER. Or rather, correct answer, incorrect delivery. I followed with, "I mean, it's so hard to compare, I find different people attractive for different reasons, I mean, in so many ways you're prettier and in many others, she's got it going on..."

GRAVE GETTING DEEPER. Shut up while you still can! But no... "Dammit, why do you have to ask me things like that, now you're all freaking out and I'm all pissed off, and bah, blargle!"

Great. Good one, Svart, you've done it now. Finally I decided to apologize, and just shut my mouth for awhile.

After eating, in silence, she perused the local nursery looking for plants for the new house. When she was done, I gave her a hug which she reluctantly accepted. "Can I ask you a question?" "What." "Who's prettier, Monica Bellucci or Jessica Biel?" "Monica Bellucci." "See, that's exactly what I would've said. ...but Jessica Biel is stunning, and many other people would have said her instead. Personally, I had a hard time deciding, they're different sorts of pretty, but as for me, I'm a bit partial to Monica." She looks at me hopefully. "You realize you're Monica, right?" *hugs*

MELTDOWN AVERTED. *phew*
 
I think you got yourself in trouble because you think a woman can't handle the fact that another woman is pretty. I mean, do you think G really asked if she isn't mature and secure enough to even make such a comment? I'm certain she's not that superficial. Women don't always need to be handled with kid gloves around such topics. Geez, next time, "Yes, she's pretty," is enough of an answer. All your posturing and clarifying probably made you more uncomfortable with the conversation than she was.



PS - I have no idea who Monica Bellucci is.
 
I think you got yourself in trouble because you think a woman can't handle the fact that another woman is pretty. I mean, do you think G really asked if she isn't mature and secure enough to even make such a comment? I'm certain she's not that superficial. Women don't always need to be handled with kid gloves around such topics. Geez, next time, "Yes, she's pretty," is enough of an answer. All your posturing and clarifying probably made you more uncomfortable with the conversation than she was.



PS - I have no idea who Monica Bellucci is.


It's not as though I believe women need to be treated with "kid-gloves"... this is more about sensitivity to a partner who is currently feeling insecure.

And as for Monica Bellucci, she's an Italian model and actress, notably from the second Matrix movie where she played Persephone, from Brotherhood of the Wolf where she played a spy/madam dispatched by the Pope, and a lot of other things. She's stunning, and very talented as well.

MonicaBellucci2.jpg
 
Back
Top