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Old 08-31-2013, 02:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,264

I ended up doing this. I talked with her last night. The conversation sort of organically evolved, as I wasn't really planning on doing it. But I had spent so much time writing out my thoughts, I felt fully equipped to express myself. She was wonderful, as always. And now, I just wish I hadn't waited so long!

I am glad! Hopefully this experience gives you new confidence next time there's inner conflict. That you CAN ask for help/support.

For me, I feel guilty when I experience jealousy... because I'm the one being "added" to their relationship. Does that make sense?
You have not been "added." They chose to end their previous relationship configuration. (2 person monogamy). In order to co-create something else with you. (3 person polyship).

If it just you thinking you were "added" to their existing relationship, that's more of your own "head thinks" positioning you as "optional, less than, extra, bonus, not of main importance." You could examine your thoughts and thinking habits if this is the case. Remember you are not your thinking behavior. You are the one DOING the thinking behavior.

Her husband is awesome for being open to this, and I feel that I have NO right to feel jealousy.
You seem to be uncomfortable with your ugh feelings when you feel them rather than just accept and sit with it.

You seem to have this habit of judging the feelings you have and trying to talk yourself into NOT having them like stiff arming them away from you. So then instead of having 1 ugh feeling to deal with (jealousy) then you end up with a serving of two ughs (jealousy + guilt for being jealous).

Are you this way with your "yummy" feelings also? Distrusting "happy" or not sure about feeling "content?" Or is it just the "yucky" feelings that get this way for you?

Do you think a lot of "should" in your head? If so, could try on changing it to "could" -- you are not your feelings or your thoughts. You are the awareness and being BEHIND the feelings and thoughts. You seem to live with a "heavy inner judge" voice in there.

You feel whatever it is you feel when you feel it. Rain is rain, sun is sun, emotional weather is emotional weather. Some will be yummy to feel and some will be yucky to feel. Either way? It eventually blows on through. Do what behaviors you need to do to weather it out better.

Like before... You were thinking blah stuff (old behavior) and felt ugh and "less than" (old feeling). You needed reassure to feel better (need), so you decided to talk to partner (new behavior done) and now you feel better (new feeling ensued.)

Feelings ensue after behavior. If you don't like how you are feeling, could figure out the behavior that needs to change.

Did you ever experience jealousy in your relationship? How long did it take to overcome it? What were some things you did to help yourself overcome those feelings?
Could these help?
You also mentioned that I seem to have a fear of making myself vulnerable... which now I see is true, although that was a shocking realization for me. I usually pride myself in being able to open up to people I love. But this time, I think the fear really got to me.
What is the fear from? Could some of this fear thing also be part of still processing grief over your recent break up with your ex? Like because of that you fear your other partners breaking up with you TOO and ending up totally single?

In your break up, did you break it up with the ex or did the ex break it up with you? Was there "less than" feelings in that dyad you could be carrying over to this side?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-31-2013 at 03:01 AM.
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communication, jealousy, third wheel

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