I just introduced myself on the intro forum, but I'm new to identifying as poly, though not to being poly. Brief background to the relationship quandary I'm in, my fiance is loving, open-minded and wonderful. He and I have been in open relationship in the past but are currently mono as we get ready to get married. He has his own interests in being poly, though we have different interpretations, but he is on board with our mutual exploration.
But I'm having feelings for my it's-complicated-ex who I never really dated but spent many nights with. He reappears in my life two or three times a year when I visit the old city we used to live in together for work or events. Every time I see him, I always feel... something. Something that won't go away. He's a good friend, an old roommate, and the brother of one of my best friends. We have a complicated connection, part complicated past (almost familial in the closeness), part sexual tension, not only friendly. Sometimes it can be downright antagonistic. I wasn't sure he had any feelings for me other than the complications of human interaction until about a month ago when I joined them all (the group of friends we share) at the beach and felt the old feelings again and decided to ask, via email after returning to my fiancé, if he felt it too. He does, or at least admitted to feeling something. And it's this realization that not only do I continue to have feelings for people, but that others (especially this one) have them for me, that makes me post today on this forum. I've known I was poly for a while, but I've never tried to act on it outside of the terms of my (once) open relationship with my fiance. This would be changing the rules.
I've talked at length about all this with the Fiancé but am not sure what I really want. I don't think my more-than-friend will ever be a secondary partner. I think he's mono and looking for a more traditional arrangement. No strings attached? Does that work in poly relationships when you’re married? Does that ever work with friends? Having such long standing and complicated feelings for him, would it be best just to cut him out of my life and allow myself to express my poly feelings in a different, possibly more productive, fulfilling relationships?
But I can't stop thinking about more-than-friend and I don't know how to negotiate the guilt I'm feeling for fantasizing about someone else, while with my open-minded and loving fiancé. Does it always hurt like this? Or is the uncertainty in this more-than-friend business that's hurting? Or do I feel guilty just by thinking I might hurt one of these two people who I care deeply about?
As you can see, advice needed!
But I'm having feelings for my it's-complicated-ex who I never really dated but spent many nights with. He reappears in my life two or three times a year when I visit the old city we used to live in together for work or events. Every time I see him, I always feel... something. Something that won't go away. He's a good friend, an old roommate, and the brother of one of my best friends. We have a complicated connection, part complicated past (almost familial in the closeness), part sexual tension, not only friendly. Sometimes it can be downright antagonistic. I wasn't sure he had any feelings for me other than the complications of human interaction until about a month ago when I joined them all (the group of friends we share) at the beach and felt the old feelings again and decided to ask, via email after returning to my fiancé, if he felt it too. He does, or at least admitted to feeling something. And it's this realization that not only do I continue to have feelings for people, but that others (especially this one) have them for me, that makes me post today on this forum. I've known I was poly for a while, but I've never tried to act on it outside of the terms of my (once) open relationship with my fiance. This would be changing the rules.
I've talked at length about all this with the Fiancé but am not sure what I really want. I don't think my more-than-friend will ever be a secondary partner. I think he's mono and looking for a more traditional arrangement. No strings attached? Does that work in poly relationships when you’re married? Does that ever work with friends? Having such long standing and complicated feelings for him, would it be best just to cut him out of my life and allow myself to express my poly feelings in a different, possibly more productive, fulfilling relationships?
But I can't stop thinking about more-than-friend and I don't know how to negotiate the guilt I'm feeling for fantasizing about someone else, while with my open-minded and loving fiancé. Does it always hurt like this? Or is the uncertainty in this more-than-friend business that's hurting? Or do I feel guilty just by thinking I might hurt one of these two people who I care deeply about?
As you can see, advice needed!