Newbie with lots of questions

AllyCat

New member
I just introduced myself on the intro forum, but I'm new to identifying as poly, though not to being poly. Brief background to the relationship quandary I'm in, my fiance is loving, open-minded and wonderful. He and I have been in open relationship in the past but are currently mono as we get ready to get married. He has his own interests in being poly, though we have different interpretations, but he is on board with our mutual exploration.

But I'm having feelings for my it's-complicated-ex who I never really dated but spent many nights with. He reappears in my life two or three times a year when I visit the old city we used to live in together for work or events. Every time I see him, I always feel... something. Something that won't go away. He's a good friend, an old roommate, and the brother of one of my best friends. We have a complicated connection, part complicated past (almost familial in the closeness), part sexual tension, not only friendly. Sometimes it can be downright antagonistic. I wasn't sure he had any feelings for me other than the complications of human interaction until about a month ago when I joined them all (the group of friends we share) at the beach and felt the old feelings again and decided to ask, via email after returning to my fiancé, if he felt it too. He does, or at least admitted to feeling something. And it's this realization that not only do I continue to have feelings for people, but that others (especially this one) have them for me, that makes me post today on this forum. I've known I was poly for a while, but I've never tried to act on it outside of the terms of my (once) open relationship with my fiance. This would be changing the rules.

I've talked at length about all this with the Fiancé but am not sure what I really want. I don't think my more-than-friend will ever be a secondary partner. I think he's mono and looking for a more traditional arrangement. No strings attached? Does that work in poly relationships when you’re married? Does that ever work with friends? Having such long standing and complicated feelings for him, would it be best just to cut him out of my life and allow myself to express my poly feelings in a different, possibly more productive, fulfilling relationships?

But I can't stop thinking about more-than-friend and I don't know how to negotiate the guilt I'm feeling for fantasizing about someone else, while with my open-minded and loving fiancé. Does it always hurt like this? Or is the uncertainty in this more-than-friend business that's hurting? Or do I feel guilty just by thinking I might hurt one of these two people who I care deeply about?

As you can see, advice needed!
 
One of my friends, who is engaged, told her long term friend that she was falling in love with him and also loved her fiance. Now the three of them live together in a big house with a dog and a cat. Things can happen like that. Just saying.
 
Hi AllyCat,

Re (from OP):
"I think he's mono and looking for a more traditional arrangement."

You should confirm this for sure, one way or the other. Ask him.

I can see your fiancé possibly accepting this, but the more-than-friend won't accept it if he's mono and looking for a more traditional arrangement. That's the real sticking point.

Keep us posted here and when you have your answer from your more-than-friend, I'll be able to give more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi there,

I'm curious as to why you and your fiancé are currently mono if you both see moving towards an open model after marriage as your goal? To my mind it would make sense to actually practise the relationship model you see yourselves in BEFORE making that marriage commitment, to be sure you are actually compatible as partners with that thrown into the mix. You seem to indicate that the pair of you might want slightly different things out of an open relationship - those are things that I would want to completely sort out before getting hitched, in case 'slightly' different actually looks more like 'totally' different! We get so many messages from people who only figure out their incompatibilities after they've made a life-changing commitment, so take advantage of the fact that you at least know about polyamory and feel like it's relevant to you now, and use your engagement period to test these waters together. It's what the engagement period is for, after all. :)

With regards to your feelings toward it's-complicated, well, they are sort of moot at this point unless you are actually free to pursue them in any way, no? Unless your fiancé is 100% behind the idea of you going there (and to some people, bringing up your attraction and establishing that it is in fact mutual is already 'going there' to some extent) I would be moving to keep things platonic and not be investing any head or heart space into thinking about what-ifs like you have been. So I would probably not do what Kevin suggested of asking him what he's up for and what he isn't (sorry Kevin!). I would go to my fiancé and speak to HIM about my feelings for the other guy again, and see what comes of that. First establish what you can offer it's-complicated, and then see if he's interested in that.

Best of luck!
 
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