How long between meeting & dating....

I understand.

But-it's not my intention.

See, I've had "fuck buddies", one night stands, people who were lovers strictly for hte purpose of being lovers etc. That's all cool.


My question only pertains to those who were INTENDING to find a long term, permanent relationship.



See, the quandry is that Maca and I see it differently and he thinks I may just be totally unique (maybe so).


For me personally-if a person is a fuck buddy-they are a fuck buddy. PERIOD.

Where as, if I find someone attractive and the sparks fly-they could go EITHER WAY-if I choose them to be a fuck-buddy, they will NEVER be a part of the family.

On the other hand, if they seem to be potentially a good fit for the family, I will take hte time to build a friendship before taking them as a lover.


Maca says that most people who are looking for long term relaionships will never consider waiting to get to know each other like that if they can't have sex. Which may be true (lucky me I haven't had that problem).

But, for me, I know perfectly well that while I (and they) are in NRE, there is a chemical nightmare going on in our heads that has nothing at all to do with whether or not we're intellectually, lifestyle, future-goal compatible. Great we're sexually compatible-SO WHAT?

IF I'm looking for someone to fill in the entertainment in my sex life THATS PERFECT.
But in terms of someone to be a part of my family (with 5 kids in it)-that's simply not reasonable. ....

Make sense?
I think there is absolutely people who would put relationship over sex. The connection over gratification. That's been the entire journey I went through with casual sex (and I here I thought I was annoying people with talking about it so much). My journey with Mono has really driven that message home that it is possible. He told me early on that he thought I was being used for sex and not valued for who I am as a person and I have proved that it was true. I took him to task on that statement and he was right.I was used for sex. I have also proven that people can wait or not have sex at all and have a perfectly connected and wonderful relationship. Leo and I are proof of that.
I think the question here is more about what order it happens for people, not whether we prefer one over the other.
nycindie... et al.... I just wanted to clarify what I was responding to....
 
I have a feeling that I will always want a swarm of family around me. When PB grows up and leaves home I will still be as busy and never be alone. As I am now. We have 6 or more adults looking after LB and that doesn't include school and other care...! I have to fight to see him every day some days. Ya, we are all together and I like it that way. I wonder if it's because I'm first generation Canadian. My parents had only me and my brother... we did everything together and lived a third of the year in the bush in North western ontario... fly in camps with non one but us there for hundreds of miles.

Off topic, but thanks for getting me to think beyond the child years. I guess we shall see... one day I will be an old timer sitting in my rocker, Mono gone, PN gone.... Derby gone and will be alone. I wonder what that will be like. Maybe I will resort to relationship dynamics that I don't now! :eek: possibly... shit, nothing has turned out like I thought it would this far anyway! I always fly by the seat of my pants, but with policies around how to fly... fuck procedure, policy is where its at. Knowing what I value is the bottom line in deciding how and when a loving/sexual/friendly relationship will start and stop.
 
.............
A lot of this is how people view certain words and the meanings we attach to them.

This is a great point and observation Indie !

This topic has come up here (and other places) many times before and I hope it keeps coming up because it's so critical.
It's really a culture thing. Every 'unit' (family, neighborhood, profession,geo area etc) develops it's own somewhat unique culture and understanding of language within it. And as the world grows smaller and we find ourselves interacting with more people from different cultures, this is critical to keep in mind. It's important to pause and say "can you give me your definition of that" more often that we usually do. We plow ahead, 'assuming' we're speaking the same language and the result all to often is that we hit a division where, in reality, there should have been none ! We walk away from this division when if we'd have only dug below the surface, we may have been pulled together.

Nothing is ever simple it seems..................

GS
 
This is a great point and observation Indie !

Oh my gosh, I just realized her name is NYC Indie. Ive been reading it wrong and calling her Cyndie. LOL

New York Cindie, or NYC Indie?
 
Oh my gosh, I just realized her name is NYC Indie. Ive been reading it wrong and calling her Cyndie. LOL

New York Cindie, or NYC Indie?
LOL, Mags, it's Indie, but I never corrected anyone who called me Cindie, 'cause it helped keep me anonymous here. My real given name is totally different! Tee-hee.
 
I don't even almost have a set answer to this question. It completely depends on the person, the energy flow, other circumstances in my life...

For my husband and I, we met a couple times casually because we had the same social circle, but we were never really friends. He drove me home from karaoke once, played with my hair, and it was magical. Next time he was in town, I invited him over. He thought we should have a "date" before we spent the night together, so we met with some people for wings, and then he came over. He never really left! We didn't have sex for the first few weeks, he even brought me home for Christmas before we took that step. We just felt this amazing connection right away, and there was no stopping that magical force.

For myself, I find that I either feel a romantic attraction / energy attraction, or I don't. I have never had romance develop from a friendship. Once you get put in my "just friends" box, there you shall always remain. I have, however, been able to become just friends with ex-lovers, after there has been some time apart to allow the feelings to dissipate.

That being said, I never go out looking for romance. It will come when it's meant to. I sometimes go out looking for friends, but I'm very introverted and I have 2 good friends in town and some friendly colleagues at school, so those needs are met.
 
As I watch the singles around me opperate, this is what I personally see

Under 25:
Friends > Attraction > Love > Lovers
Friends > Attraction > Lovers > Love
Attraction > Friends > Lovers > Love

Over 30:
Attraction > Lovers > Friends > Love
Attraction > Lovers > Love > Friends

Interesting. When I was young, things primarily went:

Attraction > Lovers > Friends > Love

As I've aged it's gone to primarily:

Attraction > Friends > Love > Lovers
Attraction > Friends > Lovers > Love
 
But, for me, I know perfectly well that while I (and they) are in NRE, there is a chemical nightmare going on in our heads that has nothing at all to do with whether or not we're intellectually, lifestyle, future-goal compatible. Great we're sexually compatible-SO WHAT?

IF I'm looking for someone to fill in the entertainment in my sex life THATS PERFECT.
But in terms of someone to be a part of my family (with 5 kids in it)-that's simply not reasonable. ....

Make sense?

Exactly. I enjoy getting all fluttery when the chemical bath kicks in and I'm infatuated with someone. That isn't enough to launch a relationship, however, so I enjoy that feeling and then spend time building a friendship to see if there's reason to believe a long-term relationship could come of it.
 
Yes Autumn! Like that.
I LOVE the sensations, I enjoy them while they last, but I don't use them as the guideline for my "forward progress" in a relationship.

:))
 
I couldn't help but think of the old playground song K-I-S-S-I-N-G while reading this thread. It makes me wonder if silly old songs like this that we learn as children are not some sort of "conditioning" taught to us. Clearly the song is implied for Mono relationships, but what kinda stigma does it hold for people as we get older by hearing such things as children?

<please note sarcasm for the following>

girls who are single mothers out of wedlock, clearly got the order wrong.

if its not a girl and a boy sitting in that tree they have it wrong too.

so if there is more than one person in the tree, wouldn't the branches break?


I think that personally I believe that there is no right or wrong order of things. Just as long as situations are being done responsibly. And that could vary relationship to relationship.

I also think that I dislike kids songs lol. Brainwashing sucks.
 
1. Attraction > lovers > love > friends
2. Friends > love > attraction > lovers
3. Attraction > friends > love > lovers
4. Attraction > friends > lovers > love

Mmh... I've experienced a love of "Attraction/love" then trying to be friends and/or lovers and failing :p

I think the second or third ones would probably be my favoured ones... It's a bit hard to say because I have trouble wrapping my mind around attraction and love not going together. I'm usually only attracted to people if I'm in love with them. So that love/attraction can either come first or after we're friends, but either way I wouldn't want to be in a relationship before getting to know them as friends.

As for timelines... Well the only relationship I've had that was a relationship and not about sex was with my husband. We met in May, I believe (on a forum), then we became a couple in the middle of July, and then we met in February the next year (we had sex on the first day we met in person). We were together for five years and a half altogether.

My other relationship, with my boyfriend, we met in May as well and decided to set our anniversary on the 1st of July when we realised we had no clue when we switched to being a couple. We met in the beginning of September, and that also when we first had sex (in person). And we're together right now, so that doesn't help you with the "how long does a relationship last?".

Personally I think it would also be interesting to know how long of that relationship was good. I think if you were friends first, it's likely that you'll have a harder time breaking up because you're more attached in ways other than your relationship and you're afraid of losing that too, so you might stay longer in a bad relationship. Of course I guess the opposite might happen too: you might know you'll still be friends and therefore not feel like you're losing everything, and be more willing to break up when the relationship stops working.
I do think though that it's harder breaking up when you know you're also breaking up with a friend. At least it was my experience, but to be fair I can't really compare, before that I had casual sex and one friend with benefits, in neither case was there any break up since there wasn't really anything to break up to begin with.
 
I've kept all of my exes as friends. So I can't answer that one "fairly" either.

;)

It's all interesting to consider though. :)
 
Wait, are we required not to stay friends? If so, I can't answer either.
 
hehe, no, it's just that theoretically that's not "typical" so it doesn't really give a clear picture of what is normal (whatever the hell normal is anyway!)
:p
 
But if everyone who thinks they're not normal refrains from answering, I'm sure you can see how the results will be inaccurate! Plus they'll only serve to reinforce already established stereotypes of what's normal.
 
Tonberry, I did answer, I started the thread... ;)
It was just a moment of playfulness.

For me a person needs to be earn my friendship before I consider them as a potential lover. Some friends are made with people whom I am attracted to-they have a chance to become more. Some friends are made with people whom I'm not attracted to, so there never is a chance that they will become more.

Either way-a stranger isn't a potential lover for me; for a variety of reasons the least of which isn't that I have herpes and it's not something I want to share with Mr. X the first day I meet him; but I absolutely will not have sex with someone, even with protection, without them knowing ALL about it.

Additionally, I have children, having worked as a stripper for 4 years, I'm well aware of the risks that Mr. X could end up being Mr. Psycho murderer and if they are; they are a danger to my children as well.

Sidenote, one a person makes it to my inner circle of friends, they are a friend for life. The amount of day to day involvement can vary significantly through the years, but they're in for life. So, all of my exes, remain friends.
 
NYCindie said:
A relationship that starts out or remains mostly sexual isn't necessarily always temporary, short-lived, or shallow. Its dynamic simply meets a particular need.

Glad to know there are others who think like this.

Can't seem to get my computer to back up a page and save the quote, but LR mentioned her & Maca and their differing uses of words. Violet and I just recently realized this fundamental breakdown between us, and are working on it. It's HARD. Now that we're working on it, we're constantly aware of JUST how often it happens, even with ittle things, and now we see it etween other people all the time. Many a book and thesis could (and probably has been) written on this one, it's a deep and universal problem.

I find it interesting to see how many people here acknowledge the attraction>lovers>friends>love model and the others similar to it; and how this is accepted now. I haven't been active here for months because of the heat I caught for operating this way, which it how I've always been. I also see comments about sex on first dates and such. Glad to see more acceptance of people who move quickly now.
 
NYCindie said:
A relationship that starts out or remains mostly sexual isn't necessarily always temporary, short-lived, or shallow. Its dynamic simply meets a particular need.
Glad to know there are others who think like this.

Can't seem to get my computer to back up a page and save the quote, but LR mentioned her & Maca and their differing uses of words. Violet and I just recently realized this fundamental breakdown between us, and are working on it. It's HARD. Now that we're working on it, we're constantly aware of JUST how often it happens, even with ittle things, and now we see it etween other people all the time. Many a book and thesis could (and probably has been) written on this one, it's a deep and universal problem.

I find it interesting to see how many people here acknowledge the attraction>lovers>friends>love model and the others similar to it; and how this is accepted now. I haven't been active here for months because of the heat I caught for operating this way, which it how I've always been. I also see comments about sex on first dates and such. Glad to see more acceptance of people who move quickly now.
what was it that LR and Maca don't agree on? that you are working on? sorry, confused... :confused:

welcome back btw :)

I am not sure fast paces aren't accepted so much as people have different ideas on how poly works for them. You got some great advice several times HMA, hope that life is working out the way you had hoped... whatever way (that is yours) you work and however you get there.... that is the main thing no?

It really comes down to whatever pace you want and whatever length of relationship you want. Some people like to live hard and fast and have fleeting moments where they find love and sex and therefore happiness, while others would rather savour moments and have something lasting... or some like hard and fast and lasting, and others slow with not much going on...nothing is wrong or right, just different. That is what makes us all unique... the best thing to do about it all, I think, is to find out what pace or what kind of relationship someone wants before getting too involved or it could end in pain if the potential partner is not on the same wavelength. Is that even possible all of the time? I don't think so, but if it is it could really be beneficial.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top