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Old 08-13-2017, 09:07 PM
berlinthomas berlinthomas is offline
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Question Looking for guidance. having some issues in an open relationship (newbie)

Greetings,

Disclaimer: This is a LOOOONG post. I donít mean to be annoying but typing this was very theraputic.

Iím here looking for a little bit of guidance and mentorship from experience poly ppl. Might help to know that I have a history of depression/anxiety

Please feel free to pm or email me!

----

About my partner and myself:

Iím a 30 y/o cis straight male living on the east coast who has only ever been in monogamous relationships or slept around a little bit while single. Iím also a touring musician and constantly traveling.

My partner is a 22 y/o queer female from the midwest who has far more experience being poly than myself.

We met in September, started texting. We fell in love pretty quick and we honestly didnít expect it to happen. I consider her ďthe oneĒ and I am in the process of planning to move to go live with her.

I have always wanted to be in an open relationship but never thought that I would find the right partner for it. Iíve always felt like I (and humanity in general) was better suited to have multiple partners. Particularly having one primary/committed partner while also having secondary partners that I would see on a more casual basis. I also was worried about how I would react emotionally to the thought of my partner having sex with someone else. Iíve dealt with tons of insecurity around everything from not feeling good enough to love, feeling sexually inadequate, my dick not being big enough, feeling weak/vulnerable, feeling fat and unattractive etc. Iíve always overcompensated sexually

(To give myself credit I am constantly growing and evolving. For instance I used to freak out when partners would tell me about past sexual encounters, now I actually enjoy talking about that stuff very much, its kind of a turn on)

So the topic of opening our relationship kept coming up, I knew well before we committed to each other that she was a poly person and there was gonna be no changing that. So I told her I would be comfortable with it if we went in baby steps. For instance I have zero problems with her being with female partners.

One smart thing I think she did was she allowed me to test the waters with the opposite sex first. While I was in Europe I ended up hooking up with a handful of girls out there

So I tell her that Iím now in a place where Iím comfortable with her pursuing male partners. I was a little reluctant but considering that we were long distance and I was touring heavily, I felt it unfair to deprive her sexually, especially since I had been given the freedom to experiment. (Little did I know I would pretty much be in a 3 month dry spell after Europe).

Now our agreement is that we have an open relationship with casual partners (obviously connection/friendship is okay) that arenít suppose to be second boyfriends or girlfriends. Mostly just for fun and sex. And that if we feel uncomfortable at any moment we can pull the plug. For instance theres one girl that likes me very much but makes my partner feel insecure, I donít question it, I donít even consider her an option so I leave her alone.

I set some guidelines, she hooks up with the first guy and I honestly felt fine about it. We talked a little bit about the details and it was kind of hot.

She hooks up with the second guy THIS IS WHERE THINGS GO SOUTH. The first couple times its fine, we talk about the details a little bit. She admits that he made her squirt which is something that sheís never done before (she claims with US when she gets close to that point, its very intense sos he usually asks me to stop, but that now sheís comfortable she wants todo that with me from now on). Didnít bother meÖ. At first


About a week after we last saw each other, she starts dropping hints about having a ďcrushĒ on this second guy. I wasnít sure what she meant by that. Through social media I actually figured out who he was. Which was fine, heís a DJ, seemed relatively non threatening. until last week her and her roommate went out and I was watching their Instagram storyline updates. Her roommate was taking videos of them and while they werenít all over each other, I could clearly see the chemistry between them. It really hurt my feelings a lot, like a lot more than I expected.

We end up getting into a discussion about it and this is when things got bad. We donít yell or fight with each other. But I told her that I was feeling very insecure and not okay with the fact that she is turning this guy into like a second boyfriend. She starts crying and feeling guilty for hurting me, saying things like ďI never should have forced you to do thisĒ Its basically a mess now. We are non confrontational people so we basically shut down when faced with a hard conversation or difficult emotions. She says that she really didnít expect to develop feelings for this guy and that heís ďvery sensitive and respectful ď to our situation and ďis very experienced being poly.Ē But I said that I still feel like this is way too fucking fast, and this is not what I agreed to. We kind of came to a stale mate.

A few days later, her and her roommate are hanging out with him again and this time the Instagram update has a video of them two holding hands, knowing full well that I was seeing all these updates. I check this dudes Instagram and heís posting all this cocky shit. ďOrdering so may condoms online! Think Iíll make a lent calendar with condoms this month!Ē

And hereís the kicker, he posts a fucking screen shot of a text conversation with my partner (with her name/number cropped out) that says this

ďLol, you told ____ that my dick was magic?Ē

ďHaha yes! You bet I did, after the first time I was like girrrrrrlllll this man had me squirting like a porn star wowwwwĒ


It really hurt to read that... like a lot, and for many reasons. like how is that ďrespectingĒ my relationship in anyway? what the fuck?

I confront her about it in a very calm way and she basically said she confronted him about it as soon as he posted it and he said ďoh well I know he (me) knows my twitter and would see it so thats why I posted it on Instagram, I just thought it was funny Iím seriously not trying to hurt anyoneĒ. basically he thought I wasn't going to see it because his username on Instagram is different, but I still found him.

Iím kind of pissed that she didnít demand that he take it down. I know sheís not confrontational or whatever but still. This is majorly fucked up. It also hurts me to know that she has conversations like that about him.... I dread to know what else they talk about. The post is still up by the way and I know that theyíve hung out since which means she didnít bring it up that I had seen it. Which Iím not sure is a good or a bad thing at this point.


Wow this was long. My main point is. Iím feeling a lot of negative thins. I feel guilty for reacting so poorly. I feel like Iím being a bad guy or patriarchal and controlling for feeling this way. Iím beating myself up because honestly I thought I was more of an evolved person than this. Iíd love to be in a fully open relationship and we were going at a good pace but we went to expert level when I donít even fully know how to play the game yet.

Things are weird with us now, theres a distance and I canít tell if its because we are fighting or if its because this guy is replacing me. Thats basically how I feel, I feel like this guy swooped in when he knew I was not there to do anything about it and is now replacing me. I see the interactions between her and her best friend on twitter and it reminds me of how the 3 of us used to interact when I first started dating her and it fucking kills me. I also feel like the more I express myself, the more she gravitates towards him. We canít even have makeup sex at the moment

I feel like Iím being muscled out and if I try to VETO this, sheís going to be devastated. This is at a time where Iím back in my shitty home town completely alone, emotionally drained, no friends, no one to really talk to. Basically I was just going to work my ass off for the next month, save up some money and move in with her and start a new life.

I WANT to be in a poly relationship, but I know emotionally I have so much more to grow, but I feel like shit is moving way too fast than Iím comfortable with. I have a hard time deciphering what this dudes intentions are with my partner. Whether this is normal for being poly. They are hanging out a couple times a week, sometimes not even for sex. And Iím stuck here. Iím also not getting laid at all, I really have zero prospects for outside partners right now.

So to wrap this novel of a story up, here are my questions:

Is this normal for poly? Does it seem like this is an example of her having a secondary parter or does this guy seem like heís trying to muscle me out?

Does it get better? Has anyone else dealt with jealousy/insecurity and worked through it? Whats it like on the other side?

Should I do an emergency visit to come see her? Do you think using phsycially being together will help alleviate the situation?

any input is appreciated, thanks so much for taking the time
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2017, 03:25 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by berlinthomas View Post
I WANT to be in a poly relationship...
You know that "polyamory" means "many loves" rather than "many casual sex partners", right? That means your poly GF developing boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with other poly people is usually the aim.

I'm a little surprised that someone with "far more experience being poly" was willing to sign up to a "no feelings allowed" agreement, even if it was only supposed to be a temporary transition period.
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Old 08-14-2017, 03:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for airing out.

I think it's no different than mono dating. Not everyone you date will be compatible or a long haul runner. You might be bumping into that here.

Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I'm wrong ok? I quote just to visually block it off. The main points are...

Quote:
  • Your partner makes Open agreements for (casual sex, no BF/GF people) with you. You are disappointed she not keep her Word because she's trying to turn Dude into a BF.
  • Dude isn't nice. He's publishing private texts online "for a joke" without her consent. It's not funny. And it is not respectful. He doesn't apologize, does not take it down, does not make amends, does not promise not to do that again. Yet she keeps dating him.
    • You are disappointed in how she's letting that bad behavior slide. Maybe it's harder to admire her/respect her now because of that.
  • Your partner wants to change to a Poly model now. You need time to digest that because you did not sign up for that originally.
  • She's not waiting for your answer. She's moved on to dating Dude anyway. You feel rushed/pressed/railroaded to get on board with the program. It feels "too fast."

Conclusion: You might be up for poly... but not with this guy in the network. And not at this speed or in this manner.

Agreements: You shared agreeements state that if either of you is not comfortable, you veto. You are not comfortable.

Action: So veto and let the chips fall where they may.
I get things are hard to feel, but the actions seem straightforward according to your agreements. Follow through. Or you could skip the veto and go straight to breaking up because you decided this is too fucked up and it's gone to deal breaker territory for you. Has it?

Quote:
I feel guilty for reacting so poorly. I feel like I’m being a bad guy or patriarchal and controlling for feeling this way.
I think you feel bad because you are busy being your own self bully. Calling yourself names like "bad guy" and "controlling" and "patriarchal" when you basically just have a situation where you had agreements with her. And she did not keep them. It was casual sex, and now she's turning him into a BF. And he's not even a nice BF who respects her.

And you are disappointed by all that. It stinks, but you could deal with it without the self bullying. Don't ADD to your load. Seek to TAKE AWAY from your load.

Like stop peeking at social media if that just stresses you out. It doesn't change anything. You still have to decide if you want to continue to be with her in a new model when she picks to be with someone like that.

Do you want to sign up for this new thing or not? That's the question. Your consent and willingness to participate belongs to you. If conditions have changed and made this situation not fun for you? You don't have to stay in this situation. You don't have to keep riding this ride. You can get off the Bus.

Quote:
I’m beating myself up because honestly I thought I was more of an evolved person than this.
This isn't about being "move evolved." This is about what behavior you are ok with in your dating relationships/dating network and what behavior you are not.

Right now? You are deeply disappointed. You see where it is fucked up that she lets his poor behavior slide.

I wonder if maybe you are thinking about letting HER poor behavior slide. I wonder if you are disappointed with yourself on that. Is that what you mean? You thought you were better than letting bad behavior slide?

Quote:
I’d love to be in a fully open relationship and we were going at a good pace but we went to expert level when I don’t even fully know how to play the game yet.
To me it sounds like you do know how to play the game.

You know when agreements are being kept and when they are not.

You know what feels respectful to you and what does not.

You know what is fucked up to you and what is not.

What you lack is follow through and holding yourself and other people accountable. Because you are conflict avoidant.

But you seem to know that. So... could work on your conflict resolution skills. Some things in life just feel yucky. They still need to be sorted out. So get on with it and sort it out anyway.

Quote:
I feel like I’m being muscled out and if I try to VETO this, she’s going to be devastated. This is at a time where I’m back in my shitty home town completely alone, emotionally drained, no friends, no one to really talk to. Basically I was just going to work my ass off for the next month, save up some money and move in with her and start a new life.
Maybe you are willing to give a second chance if she dumps the guy and sorts out new agreements she CAN keep. Or maybe just let this woman go because it's just too much work/shenanigans and you don't want to be doing that any more. Up to you.

Either way? Work your ass off and save your money in the coming month. You have to make a living. That doesn't change either way.

If you decide on a second chance and try to work out a new model with her and continue with the plan to move to her town? I suggest you plan live in your own space for at least a year first. NOT live together.

Maybe it was a poor fitting LDR model you guys were trying to do. And a new model that is local fits better. Or maybe you learn that regardless of model, she still plays wonky. So you don't want to play with her any more. And you choose to poly date other people instead. But if you end up breaking up at that later point in time? At least then you are not (breaking up) AND (homeless and having to find a new flat.) You aren't having to do double load.

Again... Only you can figure out where your willingness to participate lies. Only you can decide what you are and are not up for.

I suggest you figure it out, then tell her what that is, and let the chips fall where they may. What you want and what she wants will either line up as compatible or not. But dancing around it being conflict avoidant doesn't move anything forward. It just keeps it in the stuck. Put all cards on table and sort what needs sorting.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-14-2017 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 08-14-2017, 03:59 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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You sound like a thoughtful, sincere person. Don't beat yourself up for not being "evolved" enough yet. It's great that you are trying to examine and reject any patriarchal/controlling impulses. It sounds like your head is in the right place.

In your shoes, I would stop with the social media! Don't follow your girlfriend's Instragram. (I would never want to see a photo play-by-play of my partner's dates! Ew!) Don't play internet detective to uncover all the other dude's social media accounts. Unfollow and hide him on all platforms.

No, I don't think he's trying to "muscle you out." He's just a dude who likes to brag about his dick on the internet. And your girlfriend, being 22, still thinks that sort of thing is fun! That's okay, she's 22

I do think, however, that her being 22 is going to be more of an issue than the poly stuff. That seems an awfully young age to have a 30-year-old boyfriend who thinks she is "the one" and is moving across the country to live with her. Does she live in a place that you would want to still live in if the relationship did not work out?

So, about the poly stuff. Practicing polyamory usually means having more than one boyfriend/girlfriend, having multiple "serious" relationships, multiple relationships with feelings (not just casual sex with others). You say that you really want to be poly. Do you envision getting to a point where your girlfriend can have another boyfriend? It's fine to enter into poly slowly, with a lot of boundaries about not jumping into another serious relationship too quickly; but I can't tell from your post if you are imagining a poly future or if you just want to have an open relationship (with other casual sex partners but no other romantic partners).

Your girlfriend says she's poly, so that means she has the ability to fall in love with more than one person. Is that what you expect to happen someday?

Also, a lot of poly people choose to be poly because they reject the idea of "the one." It strikes me that you used that phrase in your post. I am wondering, what does "the one" mean to you in the context of polyamory? What does your girlfriend believe about the idea of finding "the one" to love?
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Old 08-14-2017, 09:14 PM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Hi there,

Sounds like you're going through a rough time. I don't think anything in what you're feeling is wrong. Kindda normal. But a lot of it also sounds self-inflicted, if you know what I mean.

Kevin has some links to jealousy that you might find useful. I'd also stop the social media.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
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Old 08-15-2017, 01:31 AM
berlinthomas berlinthomas is offline
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Thanks everyone for the replies. before I respond individually I'll clear up some concerns. I'll also give you some updates on the situation too. Had a really nice constructive non judgmental conversation with my partner.

(When I typed my above post yesterday it was very stream of consciousness driven)

Poly VS Open relationship; My stance on this is I'm currently okay with having an open relationship... IN THE FUTURE I want to explore being poly. I'd like to have a wife that I have a family with but we are free to have secondary relationships outside the household. I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of thing presently, especially since I've been mentally preparing myself for my partner to have sex with other people for the past few months. Perhaps If I had been mentally preparing for her to be emotionally involved with someone else I wouldn't have freaked out so bad.

On a positive note I'm really happy with how I've reacted to her being sexually involved with other men, its very interesting and I'm able to ask questions from a place of curiosity rather than a place of jealousy. I'm finally able to swim on the deep end of the pool and its very liberating. Sometimes it can be kind of a turn on too! And anyone who's known me for long enough will realize thats a stark contrast from how I used to be.

My point is if one were to examine my progression in this area, I'm slowly moving towards poly anyways. Its just that reconditioning does not happen over night. I've reconditioned myself in so many ways over the years and I kind of look at it as a life long maintenance rather than reaching an arbitrary moral milestone. Sometimes my mind needs a break, or I need to focus on just the day-to-day happenings of life.


SOCIAL MEDIA!

Yes I'm a touring musician and pretty much social media is our life blood. what I decided to do was commit to not checking that guys Instagram anymore and I muted his twitter (basically so his posts don't show up in my feed through responses from my partner or her friends). but I didn't BLOCK him because I feel like that would just come off as very passive-agressive.


Update with my partner:

So we talked and she cleared up a lot of assumptions I was having about her partner. Basically she's assuring me that this guy is really not out to hurt anyone and he is a music type too, and his whole web-presence is him basically just acting like a party animal even though thats not how he really is. The reason why that post was still up was because she didn't bring it up with him, aka he doesn't know that I've seen it. which honestly is probably for the best.

She said she just wanted to be upfront with me about developing feelings for this guy, but I reacted very negatively towards that information, which caused her to feel extremely guilty and she didn't want to keep volunteering information because she thought it would hurt me. We both pretty much shut-down when faced with confrontation (something we both need to work on). So you have two partners that aren't communicating properly with each other for several days, add in stress, add in depression, add in feeling "distant" the mind wanders and makes up stories.

She said what they have going on is light hearted and not very deep, but it is still technically outside the realm of our expectations for what a casual partner is. Long story short, they like to be around each other when not having sex. I Still think that Instagram post of his was inappropriate but I see it as counter productive to push the issue now.

I hope that clears up a few things. Now if you'll excuse me, it's been a very long day and can barely keep my eyes open. I'd love to keep the dialogue going. I will try to make time to respond individually to you all tomorrow.


Thanks!
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Old 08-15-2017, 02:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm glad you are doing a bit better.

Quote:
The reason why that post was still up was because she didn't bring it up with him, aka he doesn't know that I've seen it. which honestly is probably for the best.
Quote:
I confront her about it in a very calm way and she basically said she confronted him about it as soon as he posted it ...
Those don't seem to line up. Which is it? She called him into account or not?

Quote:
She said she just wanted to be upfront with me about developing feelings for this guy, but I reacted very negatively towards that information, which caused her to feel extremely guilty and she didn't want to keep volunteering information because she thought it would hurt me
Those behaviors don't seem to line up either. You cannot (be up front) while at the same time (not giving information.) Which is the one she's wanting to do more of?

I dislike it when people make excuse like "I didn't want you to get hurt." When really they mean "I don't want to deal with this right now."

I might be wrong but it sounds like she's so conflict avoidant she will say whatever in the moment just to get away from the conflict. Whether true or not. Is that what is going on here? If so? That's going to be an area to work on.

How about you each agree to deal with your own feelings? She can deal with her upsets, you can deal with your upsets. But just spit it the actual data out already. People cannot be mind readers.

A long time ago my spouse and I had an argument about that sort of thing because he was SO conflict avoidant. He grew up in a household where all the children had to manage the mother's feelings for her. Not let mom have a cow. Because if she did, she would take it out on them. So he was always pussyfooting around waiting for Volcano Lady to blow trying to pre-manage her feelings for her and make the World nice around her so she didn't blow. So she wouldn't take it out on him.

When I would ask him to go to an event? He was afraid I would be mad and then blow up at him. So conflict avoidant him would say "Ok, maybe, sure" And I would go get tickets.

When the event date rolled around? He would say "Actually I don't want to."

And I would be mad.

And he would say "See! I knew you would be mad!" and get all a twitter thinking I was going to blow and be the new Volcano Lady. I am not like that.

I had to explain to him I could just go to the thing without him if it was not his cup of tea.

What I was mad about was not his "going-ness." I was mad about lies and being less than honest. Had he just been up front with me, I would have bought only 1 ticket and not wasted money. Or I would have had time to ask someone else who does enjoy that event to go with me instead. Instead of him leading me on, and me thinking we need 2 since we are both going. So now there was a wasted ticket because he was too scared to just be up front with me from the beginning.

I was not his mother, and I don't behave like that, and he needed to get past these issues if we were going to get along. Stop projecting his "old stuff" and bad habits on to me.

Just hard truth it to me. I might be bummed out (-) he doesn't like it, but it isn't the end of the world. I can go alone or with a friend if I have time to plan that. (+) We can go to some other event he likes better that we BOTH can enjoy now that I understand his tastes better. (+) That works out to net (+1). Which is fine.

That better than a bummer from him not coming, a bummer from him lying/leading me on, bummer from me wasting money, bummer from not getting to ask someone else cuz now there is no time to do that in, and a bummer from being cranky pants over all this stupid. That a net (-5).

I asked him to explain how if he doesn't want me to be hurting how giving me a (-5) is better than giving me a (+1). Along with giving himself the Volcano dread and putting himself through angst and upset rather than give clear communication and spare us both the grief. What good is this behavior? Where is the benefit?

He was not able to explain or list any benefit. And then he made the effort to STOP his bad habits leftover from his family of origin.

I get it when kids go that way. They are trapped in a house with an overbearing parent. All they can do to stay safe is pussyfoot and appease the Volcano. As adults? They moved out. So why keep on with old bad habits? Esp if they cause new problems in later relationships?

You seem to be willing to work on yourself and recondition yourself. Is she? Maybe that's something you could ask.

I don't know know if that story helps you, but my spouse is not longer so fearful. He is much better at sorting things out. And that's all it is. Conflict resolution? Is noticing something doesn't line up and sorting it out so it smooths out.

What's horrible about that?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2017 at 02:39 AM.
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Old 08-15-2017, 09:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi berlinthomas,

Things sounded pretty bad in your first post, but in your second post, things sounded a lot better. I am getting the impression that you and your partner are getting things worked out, and are feeling better. Am I right?

It is wise that you stopped following the other guy's Instagram and Twitter. You were getting exposed to too much information. Like you said, you were still learning how the video game works when suddenly you were launched into an expert level. That won't happen so much now that you are aware of it.

If you're willing, I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going. Who knows, we may have updated advice/input we can share. In any case, I am interested in your situation and would like to know how things turn out.

Hang in there and keep those lines of communication open.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 08-16-2017, 12:09 AM
berlinthomas berlinthomas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
You know that "polyamory" means "many loves" rather than "many casual sex partners", right? That means your poly GF developing boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with other poly people is usually the aim.

I'm a little surprised that someone with "far more experience being poly" was willing to sign up to a "no feelings allowed" agreement, even if it was only supposed to be a temporary transition period.
Yes I realize that now, I've been reading other posts on this forum EDIT--and learning a lot that I didn't understand before especially with terminology--EDIT. What I want now is and open relationship, in the future I would like to be poly when I have more experience and feel more comfortable.
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Old 08-16-2017, 12:29 AM
berlinthomas berlinthomas is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Those don't seem to line up. Which is it? She called him into account or not?
she told me she confronted him prior to me finding out about the post and his response was its just a joke and that he posted it on Instagram (not knowing I knew his Instagram) so that I wouldn't find out. later that day I confronted her. in other words what I'm saying is, she isn't going to him and being like "hey you made my boyfriend upset take that down" which I told her I'd prefer that just because at this point I'm over it and we don't need the unnecessary drama.



Quote:
Those behaviors don't seem to line up either. You cannot (be up front) while at the same time (not giving information.) Which is the one she's wanting to do more of?

I dislike it when people make excuse like "I didn't want you to get hurt." When really they mean "I don't want to deal with this right now."

I might be wrong but it sounds like she's so conflict avoidant she will say whatever in the moment just to get away from the conflict. Whether true or not. Is that what is going on here? If so? That's going to be an area to work on.

How about you each agree to deal with your own feelings? She can deal with her upsets, you can deal with your upsets. But just spit it the actual data out already. People cannot be mind readers.
it was just a very emotionally sensitive and draining for a few days for us. Yes we are both conflict avoidance, I'm the king of it. I think mind reading was a huge reason why I was so upset at first. I wasn't communicating and my ego felt threatened and made up a story about how someone else is out to sabotage my relationship (remember kids, for the ego, death is always around the corner !!! ). I'll say that the talk we had yesterday was very much like what you're suggesting. We laid it all on the table and discovered things weren't as bad as we thought. The agreeing on our own feelings thing... I like it, that seems like a constructive way to work on this area

Quote:

A long time ago my spouse and I had an argument about that sort of thing because he was SO conflict avoidant. He grew up in a household where all the children had to manage the mother's feelings for her. Not let mom have a cow. Because if she did, she would take it out on them. So he was always pussyfooting around waiting for Volcano Lady to blow trying to pre-manage her feelings for her and make the World nice around her so she didn't blow. So she wouldn't take it out on him.

When I would ask him to go to an event? He was afraid I would be mad and then blow up at him. So conflict avoidant him would say "Ok, maybe, sure" And I would go get tickets.

When the event date rolled around? He would say "Actually I don't want to."

And I would be mad.

And he would say "See! I knew you would be mad!" and get all a twitter thinking I was going to blow and be the new Volcano Lady. I am not like that.

I had to explain to him I could just go to the thing without him if it was not his cup of tea.

What I was mad about was not his "going-ness." I was mad about lies and being less than honest. Had he just been up front with me, I would have bought only 1 ticket and not wasted money. Or I would have had time to ask someone else who does enjoy that event to go with me instead. Instead of him leading me on, and me thinking we need 2 since we are both going. So now there was a wasted ticket because he was too scared to just be up front with me from the beginning.

I was not his mother, and I don't behave like that, and he needed to get past these issues if we were going to get along. Stop projecting his "old stuff" and bad habits on to me.

Just hard truth it to me. I might be bummed out (-) he doesn't like it, but it isn't the end of the world. I can go alone or with a friend if I have time to plan that. (+) We can go to some other event he likes better that we BOTH can enjoy now that I understand his tastes better. (+) That works out to net (+1). Which is fine.

That better than a bummer from him not coming, a bummer from him lying/leading me on, bummer from me wasting money, bummer from not getting to ask someone else cuz now there is no time to do that in, and a bummer from being cranky pants over all this stupid. That a net (-5).

I asked him to explain how if he doesn't want me to be hurting how giving me a (-5) is better than giving me a (+1). Along with giving himself the Volcano dread and putting himself through angst and upset rather than give clear communication and spare us both the grief. What good is this behavior? Where is the benefit?

He was not able to explain or list any benefit. And then he made the effort to STOP his bad habits leftover from his family of origin.

I get it when kids go that way. They are trapped in a house with an overbearing parent. All they can do to stay safe is pussyfoot and appease the Volcano. As adults? They moved out. So why keep on with old bad habits? Esp if they cause new problems in later relationships?

You seem to be willing to work on yourself and recondition yourself. Is she? Maybe that's something you could ask.

I don't know know if that story helps you, but my spouse is not longer so fearful. He is much better at sorting things out. And that's all it is. Conflict resolution? Is noticing something doesn't line up and sorting it out so it smooths out.

What's horrible about that?

Galagirl
That story helps me a lot, I can relate a lot to your husband. I'm sure my partner can too because she has troubled relationship with her alcoholic father.

The whole tip toeing around volcanos thing. Its actually very relevant to my life right now outside of my romantic relationship. I have trouble having meaningful friendships with other men. Lets just say that I always end up in either friend, work, or music-band type situations where I start out with good intentions but end up on the receiving end of an alpha male tyrant. Then basically I just communicate with them as little as possible to avoid eruptions, which turns into me "having a bad attitude" or "being bummed out all the time" or them being able to blame me for being a shitty person when we eventually stop being friends. I'm at a crossroads right now with a significant man in my life, and I'm planning my exit from that friendship/music relationship.

But I agree that this type of behavior is unneccesary in my relationship with my partner.
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