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  #21  
Old 02-11-2015, 01:08 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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It sound callous on one hand, but on the other, you couldn't do anything about it from a continent away, and let's remember there is a third person here (your date) who deserves to be considered, too. Your date didn't do anything to deserve being abandoned because your mind was on your girlfriend. You tended to your girlfriend as best you could. Is she traveling around S. America with people she doesn't know well and staying in hostels? I admire her bravery.

She's scared and traumatized right now, perhaps once the shock of the thing wears off she'll realize her anger is misplaced. I never understand why couples want to know details of each other's sex life if they know what they hear will upset them. Your date deserves a bit of privacy, too, and not to have her sex life scrutinized by your s.o.
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  #22  
Old 02-11-2015, 01:50 PM
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I am on the side that feels you had every right to seek comfort with the one you were with, smoking some weed, having some sex, why not?

I feel bad for your gf of course, rape is a horrible thing. I've been through date rape, and attempted rape/assault by a stranger as well. It has effects lasting years. She should get counseling, and if she is judging you for seeking comfort from a friend after talking to her for an hour and a half, maybe attend a session or two of the counseling.

But right now, you're a continent away. And you dealt with the trauma in your way. It wasn't her way. And that is OK.

I am sorry her "friends" abandoned her, but I hope it wasn't the guy she was sleeping next to, and the guy that tried to rape her, that she considers "friends." ???

And why did this rapist have access to her bed? And what did the guy she chose to sleep with do about it, for goodness sake? Just go on sleeping as another man attempted to rape the other person in his bed? Were they all shitfaced drunk?
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  #23  
Old 02-11-2015, 02:07 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SmileTexas View Post
I guess I am more sensitive. When something like this happened to me, I was unable to function. I had to leave work. Regardless, I think that you should call it a night if a loved one gets attacked.
I could see this being the case if the loved one was home by themselves and needed the person. But in this case, the loved one was not even in the same country. What would it serve to go home? Why not spend the time with another person they care about, being comforted in whatever way they need?

I'm with Candiedlove on this one, sometimes when I'm incredibly upset, sex is just what I need to take my mind off of what is happening and let me relax a little. Not that it's exactly the same thing, but this summer I was at a festival where someone killed themselves by jumping into a bon fire. The day after we got home I was at a friend's house because my husband was at work and I didn't want to be alone. The friend and I had sex, because I needed something to remind me that there were things that felt good, it was possible to feel connected with someone, etc.
  #24  
Old 02-11-2015, 08:29 PM
travelgirl travelgirl is offline
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Default Clearing things up

I am M - the girlfriend mentioned in the post whos been through all of this and I want to clear things up because I find a lot of the posts really upsetting. Honestly, given all the trauma of the last few days, the last thing I need is to defend myself, but my boyfriend sent me this post to help both of us understand the situation weīre in better and I feel like this post has really inaccurately misrepresented what happened.

What A walk talking to me, he told me he had already had sex with C, and of course I was happy with this that I hadnīt ruined their date. However, he told me the reason he had sex with her again was because it hadnt really registered. Not because he needed support, not because he was upset, but because he felt nothing. It happened to me on a 5 day trek, so I had to trek two days without any emotional support or empathy before I could contact A. The most overwhelming thing I felt after what happened was a lack of emotional empathy. Everyone was hiking with someone and I was out there alone. I felt some sympathy, but realistically it was limited.+ So to feel like my partner was also unaffected emotionally made me feel abandoned. Like oh, youve just been assaulted? Let me think about that later because I was having a good time.

And moreso, he told me that C was Ļ"a little perturbed" that he had taken so much time to talk to me. So how the fuck am I supposed to want him to seek support and comfort (that he apparently didnt even need) from someone who feels that an hour and a half of their time is more important than the trauma of an attempted rape? How fucking callous can she be?

Do I want my boyfriend to seek comfort and support if he needs it? Of course. But do I really need to hear that my boyfriend was so unaffected that he could chill and enjoy himself while I had to sit next to my attacker in a police station two days later and go through hours of confusing interrogation because I donīt speak Spanish? No.

And to those saying he couldnt do anything, consider that my situation requires emotional support and empathy. I dont need physical support, I need to feel that the devastation Im feeling right now is justified. And to see that mirrored in my partner would have been really helpful, rather than to see that my partner was unaffected.
  #25  
Old 02-11-2015, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by travelgirl View Post
However, he told me the reason he had sex with her again was because it hadnt really registered. Not because he needed support, not because he was upset, but because he felt nothing.
It sounds like he was in shock. People in shock are processing emotional distress and usually feel numb or "frozen" by it. People in shock often don't know what they are feeling, or think that they aren't feeling anything at all, as their system for discerning their feelings has come to a halt. It is a type of trauma, and sometimes being in emotional shock triggers a need for sexual preoccupation to avoid the extreme discomfort that is underneath the shock. That is a very common response when a person is in shock. What happened to you, knowing you had been in danger and his being unable to help, fear for your safety, fear of losing you... may have triggered his reaction.

Of course, you are angry about what happened, but consider that perhaps directing your anger at ClassyCaveman isn't really something he deserves.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-11-2015 at 10:31 PM.
  #26  
Old 02-11-2015, 10:17 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Re (from classycaveman):
Quote:
"She says it doesn't make sense that I could enjoy myself knowing what she was going through."
I think it's part of being human to be able to separate enjoyment from trauma. It's like one of the emotional coping mechanisms we have. Perhaps it doesn't make logical sense, but humans aren't always logical creatures.

You have to be fair to travelgirl, but you also have to be fair to C (who did wait for you). I think you were trying to do both (though I see much disagreement in this thread about whether you did both successfully).

@ travelgirl ... what happened to you was awful beyond words. I am very sorry about it. I think that maybe classycaveman was so stunned about it that his feelings (including his ability to empathize) went numb. Being numb can be another coping mechanism, a way of sweeping harsh pain under the rug.
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  #27  
Old 02-11-2015, 10:36 PM
SmileTexas SmileTexas is offline
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Hey TravelGirl.
Sorry this happened to you and I believe you are 100 percent justified in feeling the way you do. I think your boyfriend just might be a dolt sometimes. I also think he genuinely feels sorry and wants to make amends. I hope everything works out for the best.

Last edited by SmileTexas; 02-11-2015 at 10:38 PM.
  #28  
Old 02-11-2015, 10:40 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I kind of feel like if it was important to you that he refrain from enjoying himself while you were away in the situation you were in you should've told him, he's not a mind reader. sure we would all like to think that our partners would do what we think that they should do but they don't always do that. you may have felt that it was insensitive for him to enjoy himself when you were suffering but unfortunately that didn't cross his mind. Sometimes we just have to go out of our way and say what we want our partners do for us. you could have said "hey babe could you please just not have sex tonight it would make me feel really upset for you to seek sexual comfort in someone else's arms while I'm upset" then you have every right to be upset if he does not honor your request but you can't expect him to be a mind reader, we all do it, in a different way and like a previous poster said him not having sex with her didn't make any kind of difference in the grand scheme of things and going home and being alone wouldn't change the fact that you were attacked.
  #29  
Old 02-11-2015, 10:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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TravelGirl -- It's a terrible thing to have happen and I am truly sorry you have experienced horrible trauma like this. My heart goes out to both you and Classycaveman.

I mean this kindly ok?

Both could stop posting online about it at this time and devote the energy instead into seeking professional care. This was almost rape. That is just not one for anon internet people to field on a poly support board. You both need attempted rape recovery support.

Additionally -- neither of you has to defend anything you have said or done to anyone. You both were in shock and probably STILL ARE. This just happened. These are unusual, extraordinary circumstances.

Travelgirl, I see that you are hurting. You did NOT deserve this. It is APPROPRIATE to experience hurt in this situation. Nobody experiences assault like "fun."

Quote:
Originally Posted by travelgirl
Not because he needed support, not because he was upset, but because he felt nothing.
Keep in mind that "going emotionally numb" and "confusion" can be normal responses to shock or grief. People get overwhelmed by what is going on and seem to go "emotionally dead" or "emotionally numb." It doesn't mean they do not care at all. You might want him to be your everything guy because you hurt so bad... but he cannot be when he too has been impacted. He can be on your team, even help lots. But he cannot be your whole recovery team. Some of his time he has to spend on his own healing. These are complex feelings you guys are having to navigate.

After he came out of the initial numbness shock, he started posting here. Sounding wigged out, worried about how to best be there for you. That seems like the emotions whooshing back in. From the first post he expresses concern for the love of his life -- you. I think his heart is in the right place. Even as he struggles to make sense of his experience of all this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by travelgirl
So to feel like my partner was also unaffected emotionally made me feel abandoned. Like oh, you've just been assaulted? Let me think about that later because I was having a good time.
Sounds like maybe you thought he was unaffected and did not perceive this at the time as a possible shock symptom of his own. That's is a normal and understandable response too. You hurt bad and you also are in shock. Are you able to see that?

I think professional counseling could be helpful here. I strongly encourage you guys toward it. Go easy on each other in the meanwhile til you guys get there. Getting home safe should be first thing.

I think the most compassionate, realistic, and reasonable things for both of you to do right now?
  • Both acknowledge that Travelgirl was assaulted. She's the primary tier victim. She def will deal in shock stuff. Get back home first.
  • Both acknowledge that Classycaveman is a second tier victim. His experience of this is second hand rather than direct like Travelgirl. But because his experience of it is not as vivid, it doesn't make it less valid. He too will deal in some shock stuff. Nobody wants their loved ones assaulted.
  • Both acknowledge this is the tip of the iceberg. You both might experience a whole LOT more roller coaster up and down or even ping-ponging back and forth as the realities sink in. Try to go easy on each other.
  • I encourage both of you to stop posting online about this intensely personal trauma. Shock is exhausting. Conserve energy.
  • Start seeking professional care. Energy is better spent there. This was almost rape. This is NOT one for anon Internet people to be fielding. You both deserve pro care on this one.

It will take a lot of processing. And both try to remember every person responds to shock differently and heals from something like this differently.

I hope in time you both find peace and healing. Again I am truly sorry this happened.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-12-2015 at 03:14 AM.
  #30  
Old 02-11-2015, 10:44 PM
SmileTexas SmileTexas is offline
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I think it is more that being physically there. If you learned that a loved one was horribly burned in a bonfire, would you go to a bonfire an hour later because they make you feel better?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
I could see this being the case if the loved one was home by themselves and needed the person. But in this case, the loved one was not even in the same country. What would it serve to go home? Why not spend the time with another person they care about, being comforted in whatever way they need?

I'm with Candiedlove on this one, sometimes when I'm incredibly upset, sex is just what I need to take my mind off of what is happening and let me relax a little. Not that it's exactly the same thing, but this summer I was at a festival where someone killed themselves by jumping into a bon fire. The day after we got home I was at a friend's house because my husband was at work and I didn't want to be alone. The friend and I had sex, because I needed something to remind me that there were things that felt good, it was possible to feel connected with someone, etc.
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anger management, communication issues, crisis, dealing with demands, difficulty, long distance, managing relationships, overshare, shock, support, trauma, vee dynamics

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