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  #11  
Old 02-11-2015, 01:19 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
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oh crap... I sent her a long message earlier and I think I dumped in a couple times. Thanks for those links, Galagirl.
  #12  
Old 02-11-2015, 02:08 AM
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I don't understand why she expected you not to resume your regular relations with your other girlfriend. If M. asked you not to have sex with C., and you had agreed not to but did it anyway, that would be one thing. But you took time out of your date to help her and take care of her. What else could you have done? Would not having sex with C. somehow be some pledge to M. of your love and caring for her? That's ridiculous. Abstaining from sex would have accomplished nothing. You were there for M. and ended the call after knowing you did all you could do - but she expects you to put your life on hold when you are across the globe and have another relationship that also needs your attention? I see no logic in her reaction and she is now guilt-tripping you for no reason. I get that she's been traumatized, but she is also being very unfair to you. What she expected from you makes no sense at all to me.

However, what I also do not understand is why you felt the need to report back to her that you had sex with C., especially knowing how shaken up M. was. Can't you have any private moments with one gf without sharing it all with the other?
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-11-2015 at 02:11 AM.
  #13  
Old 02-11-2015, 02:49 AM
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I had told her i'd left C's place late and high, and she said that she was a bit surprised I would chill for three hours and get high after finding out she'd experienced the worst trauma of her life, and then she put two and two together and asked if we'd had sex. And I told her the truth.
  #14  
Old 02-11-2015, 02:58 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yeah, well, what did she really expect you to do? Go home and be alone just worrying about her? Did she ever stop to consider that perhaps you needed comforting and emotional release, too, after hearing what she'd been through? I don't see anything wrong in what you did!
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  #15  
Old 02-11-2015, 03:00 AM
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She says it doesn't make sense that I could enjoy myself knowing what she was going through.
  #16  
Old 02-11-2015, 03:28 AM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
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I think it's a bit normal for M to be unable to empathize with your actions, caveman--she'd just been assaulted. By her reaction to your admission I suppose she was expecting you to empathize with her a lot. I imagine she probably didn't realize your feelings would not be as impacted as hers were by the incident.

I can understand not being able to make space for someone else's feelings when our own emotions are challenged. A situation is always more real to those experiencing it than those on the periphery.

I think it's a lot to ask of her to be perfectly OK with you having sex with someone else after something like that happened; maybe jealousy wasn't something she was prepared to confront after what happened to her.
That said, kudos on not lying to her, which prolly wouldn't have solved much. To me it seems as if she asked a question she didn't realize she wasn't prepared to hear an answer for at that moment.
  #17  
Old 02-11-2015, 03:59 AM
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Actually I think I should have lied. I would have told her the truth eventually but it would have been easier for me to support her if I'd temporarily lied.
  #18  
Old 02-11-2015, 04:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I disagree. Better to be honest.

In time when you are both not in shock and look back on it? It could be comforting to know even when the chips are down honesty and integrity between you WAS solid.

She's "reacting" right now, not thinking things through. You could read about rape trauma and expect her to be up and down sometimes.

And seriously -- it is totally understandable neither of you are totally 100% right now or perfect at "post-attempted-rape" shock stuff. Who wants to get good at THAT?!

It will be ok. Tell her you are sorry this happened, you are sorry that you don't know how to best support her. But you are willing to learn and will hang in there with her every step of the way as best you can at her side if she lets you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-11-2015 at 04:27 AM.
  #19  
Old 02-11-2015, 06:02 AM
SmileTexas SmileTexas is offline
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I guess I am more sensitive. When something like this happened to me, I was unable to function. I had to leave work. Regardless, I think that you should call it a night if a loved one gets attacked.
  #20  
Old 02-11-2015, 07:15 AM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SmileTexas View Post
I guess I am more sensitive. When something like this happened to me, I was unable to function. I had to leave work. Regardless, I think that you should call it a night if a loved one gets attacked.
I don't agree with that at all. If I were attacked, I am sure my partner would go to our new girlfriend for comfort. I think I'd feel a little weird if they, say, just went out clubbing. But it's natural for sex to follow when two people are snuggled close. I can imagine myself, in my girlfriend or boyfriend's position, saying, Hey, this terrible thing has happened, please hold me close....and then wanting to be closer and closer until physical intimacy happened.

Even if one or both of them had a new date, I would hope they didn't just go home, alone, to be miserable.
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The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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anger management, communication issues, crisis, dealing with demands, difficulty, long distance, managing relationships, overshare, shock, support, trauma, vee dynamics

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