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Old 03-22-2018, 09:54 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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DaisyBook,

- There are some people who really, REALLY dislike conflict, and will try to avoid it at all costs.

SOME who exhibit this trait do so because they truly are laid-back, easy-going peaceful types who prefer not to get involved in unnecessary drama. This may seem like a great trait, and it can be, however there are some issues and conversations that truly warrant deeper discussion and resolution. Simply burying one's head in the proverbial sand and ignoring these things WON'T make them go away or any easier to deal with when the shit hits the fan.

- Then again, there are others who prefer "a harmless lie" over a "difficult truth"... either because they're: lazy communicators; or immature in that they never learned how to manage conflict or deal with difficult emotions (theirs or other people's); are spineless' or just pretty selfish/self-interested even if it's not in a malignant way.

These people's MO tends to include: over promising but under-delivering; lies of omission; little white lies; and/or "tweaking" the truth... often in order to have a situation be/remain the way they prefer it, and to make *whatever the subject of potential conflict may be* seem more palatable to whom it concerns. This is the way they "manage" their life and those in it.

- There are also those who find it hard to let go of others. In the context of relationships, whether mono or poly, I refer to these people as "ex collectors".

I'm not referring to narcissistic types here, but rather the "people pleasers" and/or social butterflies who can't stand NOT to be liked by anyone and everyone. There may be an element of ego to it, but in general they like to be seen as pretty chill, non-judgmental, empathetic types, and often thrive on maintaining a large social circle.

When and if they do break up with someone or vice versa, it often doesn't occur to them to cut off contact. These are the people who actually mean it when they say "let's stay friends" and you'll find they're still "besties" with their ex-lover from 1995 and facebook friends with anyone they've ever slept with.

***********

In my experience, there tends to be a great degree of overlap between the above "types". They may be the empath, wise one/guru, agony aunt, pleaser, chilled-out cool dude, or even self-contained stoic... but there's a lot going on under the surface that no one sees or hears about.

This is how they manage themselves and others... by only revealing the bits they WANT people to see or know... at a time of their own choosing. There's a lot of compartmentalisation going on. They have developed the art of expressing different versions of themselves, depending on who they're with, what the situation calls for, and what they want/hope to get out of any interaction.

************

From reading your posts, I'm thinking your partner Jack falls somewhere on the above spectrum.

You say he only wants to be FWB with Kate (even though he knows she wants more). Yet on the other hand, he has indicated he doesn't want to lose her or cut her out of his life. I understand wanting to keep the friendship if he values her personality and their interactions... but why is he so intent on keeping her as a lover and not divulging his relationship with YOU, if, as you say, he DOES want a more serious, "escalator" type thing after all (with you) just not with HER(?)

I'm assuming he either values the "romantic" side of his/Kate's connection more than he's willing to admit to you... OR... he's afraid she'll end even the friendship part of their relationship once he comes clean to her about the seriousness of yours/his relationship and she finds out he's planning to move towns to be closer to you... OR... he may telling you both similar tales because he's unwilling to lose either of you, yet is loath to get into some big emotional confrontation.

As this situation unfolds, I'd be interested to know what kind of concrete plans he's putting into place regarding making the touted move to your town. (RHETORICAL questions follow...) Is he already looking for a job in or nearer to your city, or will he be able to get a transfer or similar? What kind of indications do you have, if any, that he's on the level about wanting to make this a more serious, committed thing? So far he's been more than cagey with Kate, but as the months go on, surely he's going to HAVE to admit he is (or will be) in a committed partnership.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
Boho: F, 56, primary partner, heteroflexible
Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight
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