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  #401  
Old 07-14-2018, 12:29 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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You're worried that you'll have negative reactions?
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  #402  
Old 07-14-2018, 01:16 AM
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VolitileRollercoaster VolitileRollercoaster is offline
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Yeah. He's willing to back up if that's the case, I just don't like feeling as if I'm jerking him around. He understands, it's just frustrating for me. But I trust him
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  #403  
Old 07-15-2018, 12:40 AM
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Trust is important. That's a good place to start.
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  #404  
Old 09-19-2018, 11:11 PM
missteri missteri is offline
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Default is it just wobbles?

Hi, new here but not altogether new to poly. Need some advice on navigating a mono/poly relationship.

Backstory: PC and I dated as poly, we both had other partners, but we lived separately. Both of our other relationships ended about the time I got really sick. I lost my job and we got married for health insurance, but also because we saw being together long term. We closed up the relationship because we were in crisis mode 24/7 with my health and decided neither of us could handle other relationships.

Fastforward 18 months: We are in couples therapy to work out some issues around trust and communication, and his borderline alcoholism. My condition is stable but it looks like it could be chronic; we live together and I'm on disability and financially dependent on PC for myself and my son.

PC has issued an ultimatum that he can no longer put off what he now says is his sexual identity (polyamorous) and though he will not leave me physically or financially, my choices are to accept him reintroducing 2 ex-girlfriends as paramours, or learn to live with him as just friends. Of course, I also have the option to leave him.

I am not willing to live as some version of friends, which means I either accept this or I walk. In theory, I'm ok with him having other relationships. I'm not too thrilled with the ex-gfs as they definitely had relationship issues, which he is now glossing over as just being he broke up with them because he didn't want monogamy but didn't realize polyamory was a choice. It's almost like he's having NRE with polyamory itself.

In practice, I don't know if there's wobbles (it's more like a pit in my stomach than something I would label as jealousy) or an outright rejection of polyamory. Things are definitely different now that we live together. I feel like I would be ok if I was also able to actively be looking for a relationship myself (I'm bisexual but only came out to myself about 3 years ago and am still looking to explore that side of myself) but being unhealthy, tired and emotionally unstable at times due to medication side effects, and broke, I don't feel like now is a good time for me to pursue any relationships.

I want to stay in this relationship; PC has been my rock for the past 2 years, but I really really don't want to do this whole mono/poly thing. Do I wait this out? See how I feel as his other relationships progress? See if I feel up to a new relationship of my own? Or am I better off leaving him because he is determined to open this relationship now and I am not so sure at all?
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  #405  
Old 09-19-2018, 11:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missteri View Post
Hi, new here but not altogether new to poly. Need some advice on navigating a mono/poly relationship.

Backstory: PC and I dated as poly, we both had other partners, but we lived separately. Both of our other relationships ended about the time I got really sick. I lost my job and we got married for health insurance, but also because we saw being together long term. We closed up the relationship because we were in crisis mode 24/7 with my health and decided neither of us could handle other relationships.

Fastforward 18 months: We are in couples therapy to work out some issues around trust and communication, and his borderline alcoholism. My condition is stable but it looks like it could be chronic; we live together and I'm on disability and financially dependent on PC for myself and my son.

PC has issued an ultimatum that he can no longer put off what he now says is his sexual identity (polyamorous) and though he will not leave me physically or financially, my choices are to accept him reintroducing 2 ex-girlfriends as paramours, or learn to live with him as just friends. Of course, I also have the option to leave him.

I am not willing to live as some version of friends, which means I either accept this or I walk. In theory, I'm ok with him having other relationships. I'm not too thrilled with the ex-gfs as they definitely had relationship issues, which he is now glossing over as just being he broke up with them because he didn't want monogamy but didn't realize polyamory was a choice. It's almost like he's having NRE with polyamory itself.

In practice, I don't know if there's wobbles (it's more like a pit in my stomach than something I would label as jealousy) or an outright rejection of polyamory. Things are definitely different now that we live together. I feel like I would be ok if I was also able to actively be looking for a relationship myself (I'm bisexual but only came out to myself about 3 years ago and am still looking to explore that side of myself) but being unhealthy, tired and emotionally unstable at times due to medication side effects, and broke, I don't feel like now is a good time for me to pursue any relationships.

I want to stay in this relationship; PC has been my rock for the past 2 years, but I really really don't want to do this whole mono/poly thing. Do I wait this out? See how I feel as his other relationships progress? See if I feel up to a new relationship of my own? Or am I better off leaving him because he is determined to open this relationship now and I am not so sure at all?
Did PC just spring this on you suddenly? Has he been talking to his former gfs behind your back, getting them to both agree to starting up dating again?

It seems noble that he gave them up and married you when you got sick. It seems he preferred you, even sick you, to his other gfs 18 months ago.

My greatest condolences to you on your illness, by the way. A devastating illness and chronic diagnosis is very very hard to live with. It changes your life!

But now PC is drinking too much? And maybe a bit burnt out by taking care of you, and your son, while you were in acute crisis? So now maybe he imagines having these 2 gfs back will be his fun reward for taking care of you? You are in a very vulnerable position. What about your child's father? Not in the picture, financially or with some custody? Any grandparents that could help financially or otherwise?
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  #406  
Old 09-20-2018, 12:00 AM
missteri missteri is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Did PC just spring this on you suddenly? Has he been talking to his former gfs behind your back, getting them to both agree to starting up dating again?

It seems noble that he gave them up and married you when you got sick. It seems he preferred you, even sick you, to his other gfs 18 months ago.
I knew he had been talking to them as friends. They were both monogamous relationships in the past; he has since offered "I'm poly, let's see where this goes" to both of them... that he sprung on me, after months of insisting he wanted no intimate relationships with either of them.

Quote:
My greatest condolences to you on your illness, by the way. A devastating illness and chronic diagnosis is very very hard to live with. It changes your life!
Thank you!

Quote:
But now PC is drinking too much? And maybe a bit burnt out by taking care of you, and your son, while you were in acute crisis? So now maybe he imagines having these 2 gfs back will be his fun reward for taking care of you? You are in a very vulnerable position. What about your child's father? Not in the picture, financially or with some custody? Any grandparents that could help financially or otherwise?
PC has gotten better about hiding alcohol- but he is extremely private to the point that I can't touch his car without permission, or move his wallet or bags, and I only know about his drinking because I've gone through the trash -that he is drinking and driving-literally drinking while driving. He would divorce me tomorrow if he knew I had looked through his garbage. (Maybe this is my bigger issue? Really I don't know anymore!)

My child's father is minimally involved but has some custody and gives token child support. My family is willing to help, but I would have to move several hours away to them for that to happen, leaving my child to have to choose parents, which is not the worst thing but not a great thing either. It doesn't help that my son has gotten extremely attached to PC as well. Vulnerable is a great word to describe my position!
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  #407  
Old 09-20-2018, 02:42 PM
missteri missteri is offline
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And... I just found out that the one ex he's been talking to for months, largely about what happened in their relationship but "as friends" as he was telling me... He just told her that I existed. She had no idea he had any partners let alone was married. His reasoning is that it had never been part of their conversation and was a weird thing to bring up.

I'd like to think I'm married to an idiot who is now trying to come clean and be honest and ethical, but now I'm wondering if it's something else ...

I told him he was a butthole to both the ex gf and me for keeping that information to himself, and he got very upset saying I had no right to judge what he does in other relationships. I call BS... Seems like he has been witholding info from all 3 of us, and a pattern emerging. I don't know how to bring it up again in a way we can have a rational discussion about it.
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  #408  
Old 09-20-2018, 03:46 PM
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I guess if one is talking to someone just "as a friend," one can get away with not telling them you're married. But as soon as it becomes more than just friends, it becomes paramount that you come clean. Your partner should have done this.
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  #409  
Old 09-21-2018, 01:01 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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I'd like to think I'm married to an idiot who is now trying to come clean and be honest and ethical, but now I'm wondering if it's something else ...
Just my observation, but it looks like you're married to an alcoholic. If you are now looking around for evidence of his drinking, if he is hiding the extent of it from you - you definitely have a huge problem in your marriage whether you're comfortable labeling it alcoholism or not. Neither of you are on solid ground and you both create this relationship together, it's not just him. AlAnon exists for those of us who have found ourselves in your situation and it's a tremendously helpful program, in my experience. It puts the focus on what we can do to make life what we want it to be instead of constantly riding the ups and downs of the other person's behavior. Anyone who feels that her emotional state is tied to another's behavior would benefit greatly by looking into AlAnon. Alcohol is really beside the point.

To my view, poly is also beside the point here. It's not about whether you can handle poly, it's about how dependent you are on this man for your well being.
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  #410  
Old 09-21-2018, 09:30 PM
missteri missteri is offline
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Anyone who feels that her emotional state is tied to another's behavior would benefit greatly by looking into AlAnon.
Thank you for this. Intellectually I probably know this, emotionally it's much harder to admit.
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