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Old 09-10-2016, 08:07 PM
longdistance longdistance is offline
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Default Wanting to Explore Poly

Hello all,

I am very new, so I'm just going to jump in! I first learned about polyamorous relationships about a year ago, and I felt very intrigued and connected to this relationship style a lot. However, I have only ever had monogamous relationships, and I am currently in a two-year monogamous relationship, with a partner whom I love very much. Unfortunately, he is very hesitant to try an open relationship, so I have not pursued any other relationships at this time. Another part of our predicament is the fact that we are currently in a long-distance relationship, which puts extra strain on our relationship. I know he has a lot of fears about opening our relationship, and has expressed fears about not being "enough" for me - which is not how I feel at all! I am just interested in pursuing an alternative to monogamy. Does anyone have any insights or advice for me? Should I try talking to him about this more, or should we stay in a monogamous relationship?
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Old 09-11-2016, 01:33 AM
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Hi longdistance,

I would suggest introducing your partner to Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. It addresses a lot of the concerns that people who are new to poly often have. If your partner still has questions or complaints, you could post those here and we could respond.

But I would also point out that some people are rigidly mono and will never be able to tolerate a poly partner. I don't know whether your partner falls into this category. If he does, you will have some hard choices to make. All the web pages in the world will not be able to change or convince him. If he falls into that category.

As for whether you can be contentedly monogamous for the rest of your life, that's something only you can decide. Some people can, some can't. It depends on how you're wired, so to speak.

Anyway, those are some initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-11-2016, 07:24 AM
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The "norm" in a long distance relationship when one partner suggests seeing other people is that it's going to end. That is his perspective right now. As someone who is in LDRs I can tell you that it is very difficult if your partner is insecure. Along with poly materials, your partner should read up about jealousy. Jealousy can be a very hard thing to work through, but it definitely can be done.

Is there a plan in place for you guys to eventually get together?
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Old 09-11-2016, 04:16 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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I can't encourage the "wait until you're together" thing. An established LDR often doesn't survive transition to a living-together situation.

longdistance, even if you were in a stable side-by-side relationship, & you moved into nonmonogamy as a team, there's a very high likelihood that one (maybe both) of you would fixate on one of your first flirtations, decide it's True Love... & transition into another monogamous relationship.

I've seen it happen more than a few times: if your only exposure is to monogamy, then (by far!) that's where you are going to feel comfortable. And many people quickly get discouraged by the huge learning curve required to balance multiple relationships
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Old 09-12-2016, 04:42 PM
longdistance longdistance is offline
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Thank you so much for all of your replies. I will definitely check out the poly information to give to my partner. There is a plan for us to eventually live together - we are planning to be in the same state and living together within the next year and a half to two years. I can see how he would have immediately thought that we were breaking up, and it may be easier for him to accept and try when we are living together in the future. However, you make a good point when you bring up the fact that he could be a strictly monogamous person.
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Old 09-12-2016, 04:52 PM
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Well I hope things work out for you. 1-2 years is awhile, a lot of things can change. Perhaps you will find it hard to wait for poly for that long?
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