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  #1  
Old 04-06-2016, 05:24 AM
newtopoly56 newtopoly56 is offline
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I don't really know how to do this or where to begin but the person who recommended that I do this just told me to tell my 'story,' so here goes the summarized version;

I met a married couple online and we started dating from February of last year. I met them later in August of that year and things were amazing until things didn't work out with the husband and I a little while after I got back home. I'm still seeing his wife and am very, VERY much in love with her, but she's going through her own stuff with another girl and her monogamous boyfriend (my partner and this girl are both in love with each other, but her boyfriend isn't having it and that's a whole other thing that I don't think is necessary to go into).

I just feel like I'm having trouble being able to support or help her really in any way from here when she's so far away (I'm in the US and she's in Asia), and I find myself feeling more worthless and useless to her as time goes by and things continue to stay difficult/get even harder to deal with.

She and her husband are working on having me come over as much as possible until I can find a job of my own, and hopefully I can find a way to eventually live with the two of them along with his girlfriend (we're all cool/good friends but sometimes I still struggle with jealousy/envy). I do think of that and most of the time it does remind me that she loves me a lot or she wouldn't be doing this in the first place, but when issues with her other situation come up, especially when I am powerless to help, I do struggle with seeing why she'd want me.

My username makes this statement redundant, but I'm still pretty new to polyamory. Meeting this couple last year introduced me to it and while I'm pretty sure I'm poly, because I am in love with both of them, it can be really hard for me to feel important or needed, or sometimes even wanted with the position that my partner is in with this other girl.

Any advice out there for learning how to accept that I can't give as much of anything as I want to from this distance on top of feeling like I'm not enough for my partner?
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  #2  
Old 04-06-2016, 10:03 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Honestly, I would never want to be in a long distance relationship. At least not one that started long-distance, and would require me upping sticks at some point in the future for that gap to be closed. It's hard to tell which aspects of your situation relate to the fact that you are in a poly set-up, and which purely relate to the distance, but to me it sounds like you are a bit lonely. Not having that face to face contact, not being able to do anything more than talk, and then having SO MUCH TIME just to think and obsess - about the person you're missing, about the marvellous things you hope might happen if only you were closer, about the exact role you currently play/could play in the future - to me, all of those things are artificially distorting of the reality.

I'm not saying you should end your relationship, but I think you'd be happier if you could find a better balance. Sounds like your girlfriend has multiple partners on hand to help her through the ups and downs in her life, and chip in with the practicalities. Who do you have? Who looks after you when you are feeling sick? Feeling down? Had a crappy day at work? Who rubs your shoulders when you are tired? I would invest a little less emotionally in this relationship, because right now it is early days and also has major limitations in place. If it's meant to be, it will continue to develop organically, but hopefully without feeling frustrating at the same time.

You say you feel useless and like you cannot help her, but is she even asking you to help? As for the feelings of jealousy when they arise, I think you might feel better about that if you were feeling more emotionally secure in general. Right now it sounds like you are putting all of your eggs in one basket - her basket - and she's already got a lot of people's eggs there to look after by the sounds of it. I too would feel insecure - it sounds like she already has one partner in her life that's unhappy being in a poly set-up with her. You originally wanted a relationship with both her and her husband, and that's not happening anymore. Things are chaotic, and there is a power imbalance here, even if she has nothing but good intentions towards you. I do hope you can see that. To me, you could be looking to date locally. See who you connect with where you are. Build your life there in the US, rather than dreaming about Asia in years to come. Get yourself a good solid support network of friends, possibly lovers. It will give you less time to ponder, because you'll be having more fun, and that will only make you more attractive in her eyes (or should, if she has your best interests at heart). Of course, keep visiting her. But don't consider moving until her life is stable, you have resolved things with husband fully, you know that she can give your relationship the attention it needs, and you all know each other a little better. I think a certain frustration can come from talking about the future, but not quite being in the position to act on those plans. In your shoes, I would shelve talking about plans that cannot be acted upon. Why spend your days feeling wistful for stuff that's not happening, whilst missing out on investing in the here and now and enjoying life fully?

Bottom line: You need to trust that you have value in her life as you are right now. And you need to not hang all your happiness on her.
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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina

Last edited by tenK; 04-06-2016 at 10:14 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-06-2016, 11:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi newtopoly56,

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"I met them later in August of that year and things were amazing until things didn't work out with the husband and I a little while after I got back home."
What do you mean things didn't work out with you and the husband? Did you break up with him?

Re:
Quote:
"I'm still seeing his wife and am very, *very* much in love with her, but she's going through her own stuff with another girl and her monogamous boyfriend (My partner and this girl are both in love with each other, but her boyfriend isn't having it and that's a whole other thing that I don't think is necessary to go into)."
So, you have a partner that lives with you in the United States?

All that aside, it seems like you've developed the habit of putting yourself down and blaming yourself for other people's problems. Of course you can't help someone who lives half a world away. And even if you lived with them, the problems have to do with someone else's relationship; not an area you can control.

Can you see a counselor? That might help. I hope we can help too, on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-07-2016, 12:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
I just feel like I'm having trouble being able to support or help her really in any way from here when she's so far away (I'm in the US and she's in Asia), and I find myself feeling more worthless and useless to her as time goes by and things continue to stay difficult/get even harder to deal with.
Quote:
when issues with her other situation come up, especially when I am powerless to help, I do struggle with seeing why she'd want me.
You live half a world apart. "Unable to help" us not "worthless and useless." It just means you cannot help lots right now from that distance. Limit of geography.

You can offer to help in the ways that you can -- listen to her vent for instance. But if she doesn't want help, don't take it personally like you stink or something. She just doesn't want help right now.

These negative thoughts? Are you in the habit of talking down about yourself? Why be your own bully?

Quote:
Meeting this couple last year introduced me to it and while I'm pretty sure I'm poly, because I am in love with both of them, it can be really hard for me to feel important or needed, or sometimes even wanted with the position that my partner is in with this other girl.
Are you sure it is the other GF? Or is it the distance? It sounds more like distance to me.

Dating this couple taught you that you can do polyamory. Maybe dating this couple is teaching you that LDR is not for you. You plain don't like it.

If the problem is basically that you hate LDR, and how it makes you feel helpless? You are going to have to come to terms with that.
  • Learn to live with the limitations of LDR. Do not date locally.
  • Break up with them and start dating locally.
  • LDR dating + local dating

You have choices. But whatever you pick in your dating life, I encourage you to work to end the down talk. That's not really helpful since it just seems to ADD to the load.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-07-2016 at 12:38 AM.
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  #5  
Old 04-07-2016, 02:53 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few questions to help clarify things:
  • How did you date them starting in February *before* you actually met them?

  • When you met them in August, how much time did you spend together? Did you get together with them again afterwards? Or was that meeting in August the only time you saw them in person?

  • What, exactly, do you mean when you say things didn't work out with the husband after you got home? What happened?

  • Even though you say things went bad with him, you say you love them both. Are you sure it's really love?

  • Why do you want to uproot yourself and live with them in another country after what sounds like fairly limited time together?
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