CFT, I had that feeling as well. Like you still concentrate on polyamory after several months, but this is not the major problem. It took half the discussion before you mentioned the dependent state, in which your wife is now, which seems odd to me.
Also I thought about your situation the other day and one more parallel crossed my mind. When I was in love with my current poly partner, whom I barely knew at that time, and was deciding what to do with it and with my monogamous relationship, I told my psychiatrist about my struggles. He is wise man, and he asked what was so important about that poly man. I gave it a thought and I said: He listened to me. The psychiatrist went like: Wait a minute, WHAT did he listen to? Because that is, what is really important.
After time has passed, I really agree with the psychiatrist.
it was solely about ME, my needs and my shortcomings. I actually think "being in love" (not loving someone in a true stable sense), that crazy feeling, is always about that to some degree at least. My partner at that time was actually great in many different ways, we had a great intellectual connection, and emotional understanding as well, common goals, we were a good match to cooperate. I find that love is blind to that, it is about unmet needs, but it disregards those which are being met. Me falling in love was in no way my partners "fault". Also, if I knew about my needs, my partner could have perhaps met some of them (with a lot of work together), but certainly not all of them.
Second, I think it might be really important to find out what was important to your wife about her online relationship. Finding alternate ways to fill that might be the necessary change your relationship, even the way out of her depression. Also, listening to that in a kind non-judgemental way, if you are able - very healing to her. (But it sound like perhaps you cannot and she cannot speak, so that would be work for her therapist then .)
She fell for someone else. If that means she is finding out she doesn't want you? Well, that is a good reason to be depressed, if a long (and perhaps somewhat codependent) marriage is to end. Sorry, that this is an option.
If that means she wants both? And she knows it is impossible with you? A good reason to be depressed again, if she has to choose, and both options are a loss.
If that means she doesn't actually want that particular person, but certain missing peeces? Find those.
I am very much hoping, you overcome this successfully, whichever that means for you.
Actually, I've been posting here since June, and albeit it one detail at a time, mentioning her psychiatric concerns is not a new practice. What keeps getting overlooked by most, however, is the fact that nothing was this severe until this certain someone entered her life, occupied so much f her time, and became the straw that broke the camel's back to push her into this need of psychiatric care. The physical health is something that's been under control for some time. And as for the mental health... The two previous drivers, had been her mother's passing, and her problems at work. Both of which, she had always been honest & open to confiding in me about. It wasn't until he came into the picture, that she began to take on an extremely secretive demeanor. It was coping/dealing with the poly, that pushed her over the edge. The problem is, that she held onto it for months before finally mentioning it... Before that, she would always tell me that it was the same things that were bothering her before... How is it that one day, she has no problem talking about work bothering her, and then the next, it seemed to have bothered her 1000 fold out of the blue?
Sharing in relationships is wonderful. I don't deny that... But in my mind, some things ought not to be shared.
Let me be clear... I do not derive my self worth from my wife... It's true that, I feel a special bond with her because she's shown a side to me that's unmatched to anyone else I've ever known. She has been the one person that I could share everything & anything with... And I've done my best to be that for her... Previously, she did see me that way (and had acknowledged as much), but neither of us have ever sugar coated things to each other either. If we disagreed with each others' approach or behavior in a certain instance, we had both been very quick to tell each other we were in the wrong... But enter someone who, instead of speaking to her in an honest and candid manner, chooses to fill her head with delusions that EVERYTHING she could ever say or do was the right choice. Being supportive, does NOT always mean agreeing with everything and telling them what they want to hear. Especially if it comes with the hopes of getting them into bed.
And fair enough... Maybe "easily" wasn't the right word, but it appears that way when it happened as quickly as it did. In less than two months from the time they began talking to each other last year, they were telling each other "I love you".
As for what she wanted... That's just it. She never came right out and said it. Everything from both of them was so vague, made to sound so sanitized, that none of it really added up. When asked what she wanted, where she saw it going, even what the developing stages could be, it was always "nowhere from here", but without ever really saying where "here" was in the first place. So there was no comparison. She did admit that if I were genuinely okay with them sleeping together, she would do so... And fair enough, I obviously can't fault if I were to be in legitimate agreement, but it was all I could do to gain insight into where she viewed things, or at least the potential. And that was pretty much the answer for everything... Her wish was for things to stay how they were... But if I can't get a clear answer on where they were, then I have no way of even beginning to understand if it's something I can accept. There are really only three things that are clear cut boundaries for me: 1 - There is to always be open & honest communication & behavior; 2 - Our lives (including those of the children) are to always take priority; 3- nothing sexual of physically intimate in nature whatsoever. Anything else, can be negotiated, and can be dealt with as long as no one is kept out of the loop. That being said, numbers 1 & 2 were ignored repeatedly, which gives me concern that number 3 could have been as well... At least, as it related to a virtual setting.
As for the psychiatrist, I'm not disagreeing with your statements. Listening IS important, and while I'm sure that most of you see me as this stubborn mule that turns a deaf ear when I don't like what I hear, that's not the case at all. Yes, I tend to dig deep into whatever particular issue is at hand. I do this because I cannot responsibly react unless I have the complete story. Unfortunately, I've not been given the clear story from the beginning. Not because I "shot her down" from the beginning, but because none of it adds up to what I've been told. And it's worth noting, that my wife has never previously had trouble with giving me news that I may not want to hear at the time. And while I'll admit that there are things I would say/do differently if given the chance to have that initial conversation over again, I've never done anything to make me undeserving of the truth.
And again... I'm not the terrible listener that you might see me as. That doesn't mean that I'm not without my opinions. So when she confesses something like this to me an says "tell me what you need me to do", I will have an answer. I have ALWAYS been willing to fill the needs she's spoken about. I have ALWAYS been very upfront with letting her know that I am very open to criticism. Sometimes things in type, don't translate well to real life. On here, I type with a great deal of emotion, and so the day to day calmness & good times tend not to appear in the proper context. I believe that I've done my very best to support her. Even during times where I may have disagreed with her decision. But I guess when one begins to hear that everything's being done right, and consequences are meaningless, then someone like myself begins to appear more judgmental than I really am.
Logically, yes, I KNOW that her wish is not to hurt me, but it doesn't change the fact that, in spite of knowing that such actions and even desires DO hurt me. Especially, when it's something we've discussed on several occasions in the past. I can get my head around her wanting to try it regardless of my feelings, what I can't accept, is her allowing herself to get so deeply involved with someone, that it could become a distinct possibility if given the chance. If we had never talked about it before, or if I had appeared more open/willing in prior talks, then I would understand. But this was not the case.... It felt as if she began to dive into something, knowing full well my opposition, without regard for anything I've said about it before. Do I believe she intended to hurt me? Of course not. But do I believe that she considered my feelings before acting? No I don't.
I'm sure she chose not to ask based on my reaction. And I take full responsibility for that. As much as I would have liked to know her thoughts much more, I'm actually very relieved that she never asked, nor pressured.
No, I'm not surprised that she chooses to engage in other activities with other people... But sleeping with someone, is not like shoe shopping, or hiking... To me, it's more in line with having a child with someone, or buying a house... Sleeping with another is a VERY, VERY big deal, not just a mere activity. So for her to "sometimes, rather" sleep with another person, she might as well be saying that she'd like to have a baby with him.
PS- My post was a bit too long, so I had to cut out some of the quote. Sorry for any confusion.