"Everyone Deserves A Second Chance"

Somegeezer

New member
I've recently made up with my last partner, Cherry. To the point where we are both willing to do things again and see where things will go. It got me thinking about second chances. This is the first time ever in a relationship that this has come up for me really. I've always been a believer in the second chance, but also skeptical on how it would ever really work. I suppose I'll find out for myself.

But more to the point, I was wondering what YOU guys think about second chances. Have you ever had a second chance/given someone a second chance? How did things work out the second time round? If things didn't work out the second time, would you even consider the third chance? If so, when would you put your foot down? Why?
 
Geezer,

Beloved and I broke up several years ago and were apart for almost 2 years. We got together again and stayed together for 7 more years. I wish I had handled several things differently during those years - gotten professional help for my lack of desire, changed how we interacted in some other ways - but I don't regret that we got back together. The consequences of getting back together are currently painful but I'm trying to accept that pain and learn from it.

I wish you and Cherry the best!
 
I have given one second chance in my life. It worked for a while and it wasn't due to anything about our relationship that it didn't work. I expect him to show up on my doorstep any day now looking for another chance. I rarely if ever cut someone off cold turkey but there's a few people I probably would never give a second chance. But I think there just something so permanent about the word never...
 
I'm all for second changes SG, as long as all parties are willing to make changes and it isn't just a rehash of what was going on before. I would, personally, ask that I see some progress in areas that were issues, and let them know that it won't be good enough if some effort isn't made.

You wanted a partner who accepted such a huge, important part of who you are, and it was frustrating to you that Cherry had such a hard time with jealousy and trying to understand polyamory, even though you didn't have any other partners beside her. I hope she is more willing this time around than she was before, to look at her fears and jealousy, try to deconstruct them, and examine the difficulty she had in being in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous, even if it is by taking baby steps. Because it did sound like you had a good connection with each other, so I wish only good things for you both as you move forward in "Phase II." ;)
 
Geezer,

Beloved and I broke up several years ago and were apart for almost 2 years. We got together again and stayed together for 7 more years. I wish I had handled several things differently during those years - gotten professional help for my lack of desire, changed how we interacted in some other ways - but I don't regret that we got back together. The consequences of getting back together are currently painful but I'm trying to accept that pain and learn from it.

I wish you and Cherry the best!
Wow, 2 years apart and still there was something that brought you both together again. It's unfortunate it ended again. Would you go for the third chance were it available to you?

Thanks, I wish the best for us too. But it really is going to be about taking it slow and sorting through problems we already had.

I have given one second chance in my life. It worked for a while and it wasn't due to anything about our relationship that it didn't work. I expect him to show up on my doorstep any day now looking for another chance. I rarely if ever cut someone off cold turkey but there's a few people I probably would never give a second chance. But I think there just something so permanent about the word never...
I agree. I hate the word never and wouldn't use it unless I was absolutely certain all over. In terms of relationships, I think a lot of people at least have a line where it just becomes too much and never is the only option.

I'm all for second changes SG, as long as all parties are willing to make changes and it isn't just a rehash of what was going on before. I would, personally, ask that I see some progress in areas that were issues, and let them know that it won't be good enough if some effort isn't made.

You wanted a partner who accepted such a huge, important part of who you are, and it was frustrating to you that Cherry had such a hard time with jealousy and trying to understand polyamory, even though you didn't have any other partners beside her. I hope she is more willing this time around than she was before, to look at her fears and jealousy, try to deconstruct them, and examine the difficulty she had in being in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous, even if it is by taking baby steps. Because it did sound like you had a good connection with each other, so I wish only good things for you both as you move forward in "Phase II." ;)
Baby steps it shall be. I think that's always a good thing to do when you get back into an old relationship. Take things slow and figure out what went wrong and make sure you put things in place for them to never happen again.

I'm not feeling overly optimistic about things. In my case with Cherry, I'm thinking I could easily come off strong by talking through a lot of the problems I have that need to be managed. Very important things that anyone would agree with. Even herself. But she's very much an emotional thinker, rather than a rational one.

When you guys come to difficult points like that, what have you done/would you do?
 
When my husband and I were dating I was stupid and listened to other people instead of following my heart and I broke up with him. Immediately I know I made the wrong decision. We were apart for about a month while I begged for a 2nd chance. We did get back together then and have been together since. I'm so glad he gave me that chance. Things have been great ever since and that was over 6 years ago.
 
I am all for 2nd chances, depending on the circumstances. But most of the people I have been involved with who require a 2nd chance will eventually require 3rd and 4th chances, so I have had to learn that sometimes, it is better to just walk away.
 
I was the one who gave the second chance. And it was my husband who needed it. I have always been convinced that there are certain things I wouldn't be able to forgive. But the situation was there and real, I just knew that things can be quite different from how you imagined them. I never doubted this decision or was unhappy with it. It was some kind of wake up call and I was happy to be all in the moment it occurred. I have never forgotten but I have forgiven in our case.

But I knew as well: there won't be a third one. Never. Things can be forgiven/fixed/tried again once; if there is the will to work it out and insight in what went wrong. But if the same happens again, something went so wrong that the persons involved were incapable to learn something out of this experience. And that's where I would draw a line. Of course there can always be new shit going on. But I wouldn't give a third chance for the same thing.
 
I was the one who gave the second chance. And it was my husband who needed it. I have always been convinced that there are certain things I wouldn't be able to forgive. But the situation was there and real, I just knew that things can be quite different from how you imagined them. I never doubted this decision or was unhappy with it. It was some kind of wake up call and I was happy to be all in the moment it occurred. I have never forgotten but I have forgiven in our case.

But I knew as well: there won't be a third one. Never. Things can be forgiven/fixed/tried again once; if there is the will to work it out and insight in what went wrong. But if the same happens again, something went so wrong that the persons involved were incapable to learn something out of this experience. And that's where I would draw a line. Of course there can always be new shit going on. But I wouldn't give a third chance for the same thing.
But would you give another chance if something completely different happened?
I can definitely see where it would be hard to really consider when the same thing keeps happening. I don't think I'd want to try a third time for the same reason. A second chance is there to be able to actually work through a problem. If you don't work through it there and then, well you obviously didn't want it all that much.
 
Yep I would, as I said in the sentence in front of the bolded part. It always depends on the person, on the relationship and such, but if it's 'a first' and the relationship 'is worth it', I would always first work through the problem before I bury my head in the sand. And I assume that I can say, that I NEVER would want to be in a relationship that I do not consider 'worth the effort' of maintaining.

If there wouldn't be the chance for a second chance, it would tell me something about my attitude towards this relationship and then it really wouldn't be worth the effort.
 
I'm willing to give someone a second chance if they have the potential to change their bad habits. If they refuse to change, there is no second chance.
 
I have given second and third chances to people. Actually, my ex girlfriend is looking for another chance. Or at least is showing signs of gearing up for another chance. I have been down that road many times. Many times I have flown across country even... I'm done now. It will be interesting to see what happens when I say no. I have a sense of humour about it all now actually. I am hoping she does too. After so many chances where I got hurt, got angry, got confused, got sad, got used, got the run around.... what else can I do but laugh. This woman comes into my life over and over again. There are a few people who I play out the same stories with... each time it changes slightly.

My deal breakers usually all come down to "I don't like who I am when I'm with you." The times I have given second and third chances are when I see that the person is willing to work on things with me. If they are engaged in that process I find it hard to deny them that... or myself. There have been times when I am just tired of it or it just falls back to the same old cycle again regardless. Sometimes I find its best just to leave it alone and see what time does... or leave it for good. Some stuff just needs to be sorted out elsewhere as it isn't working to sort it out with the person.
 
I have given second chances to two people in my life.

The first, a girl I was crazy in love, head over heals for, broke up with me because she was interested in another girl. When it didn't work out with her, she came back to me. I, ignorantly, thought she really wanted to make things work with me so I took her back. Things went on like that until I was on the fourth chance and I couldn't take it anymore.

The second time was my most recent ex-girlfriend. (Recent being over 3 years ago. lol) She cheated on me with a girl who is now my best friend, funny enough. Up to that point I had told myself that if anyone cheated on me it would be a deal breaker. But, I loved her. So when she asked for a second chance I gave it to her. We broke up less than a month later because I found out she was still cheating, this time with multiple people.

Despite my bad experiences, I would still give someone a second chance. It's just not in me to not try to make things work. I also feel that every relationship is a learning experience. So even though things ended badly in both cases, I don't regret the decisions I made because I learned a lot of things from both.
 
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