Non-sexual primary partnership?

Poddle

New member
Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone has experiences to share about having a primary partnership that isn't sexual.

My wife is mono. I was poly when we met, I consider myself poly by nature but we have spent the majority of our 12 years together monogamously. Due to the distractions of raising children and building a home/family I've been mostly happy with that. About a year ago we opened things up so I could have kink relationships with others, but they were not to include sex. That has gone well. I now have two 'friends with benefits' with whom my wife feels very comfortable (she has no interest in BDSM).

My wife is not a very sexual person. We are emotionally and physically close but it is rare that that develops into sex, usually less than once a month. I am much more sexual, am often interested when she isn't and we have been discussing this issue for years. We both now accept that our pattern is simply not an overly sexual one. I have, since we started being more 'open' been thinking more about wanting to have sexual relationships with others again. We've been talking about this possibility for a number of months now.

We keep hitting a wall though and that is that my wife feels so deeply hurt that I might want to be sexually intimate with others - something that doesn't happen when I engage in BDSM play with others. She completely understands and has no issues intellectually with it, but her emotional response remains very strong and difficult. She has recently had the realisation that if she were to choose to cut off our sexual contact then she would feel a lot less upset and vulnerable if I were to be sexual with other people. So we are now considering continuing with our partnership - as my primary partnership - in all ways except sex.

I find myself having some very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand - the horny me end - I'm not losing a lot of sex (quantity/frequency-wise) in that and can envisage a future in which I am much more sexually satisfied by one or several lovers and in which we manage to retain most of the rest of partnership - and my wife is feeling much less hurt. On the other hand I would be losing the deepest and most profound sexual partnership I have, we as a partnership would be losing our most intimate way of connecting and my wife would ultimately be signing up for celibacy.

Does anyone else have a non-sexual primary partnership? Can this work? We're still at the discussion/setting boundaries stage so anyone else's experiences would be useful in helping us consider all the permutations of this possibility.

I look forward to hearing any and all responses. Thank you.
 
I have a non-sexual marriage. It's not truly functional. The sex stopped years ago and due to some significant trust issues (he was "poly" for years before telling me ie: cheating.) It has changed every dimension of our interaction in negative ways. The thing is, once you take sex out of the mix - if it was a part of the relationship in the past - then other things seem to start to fade. Touch becomes more intermittent and then intimacy fades...well, this was my experience, anyway. I think if a relationship started out non-sexual, then it would be a more likely possibility.
 
I am in a non-sexual primary relationship, due to the chronic illness of my girlfriend. Things went downhill sexually when she was at her most ill, and although she now has periods of remission where it would be theoretically possible, it just doesn't happen.

I think that although we consider ourselves best friends/housemates/partners there is very little intimacy left. We function quite well doing day to day things, managing her illness, etc...but I no longer feel the desire to touch her, or tell her my deepest feelings as I would/did when we were still lovers.

I wonder what your wife thinks about being celibate for the rest of her life? I mean, there are some people who view it as a relief. I just struggle with the flip side--those of us who are celibate because we have no other choice, since our partners aren't available. In my specific case, I struggle with having all the restrictions of an illness, when I am perfectly healthy.

Do I think a sexless relationship can work? Yes, because so many things we rely on our domestic partners for have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with feeding the dog, mowing the lawn, and doing the laundry. Do I think it's healthy and fulfilling? I'd have to say no, at this point.

Interesting post! Thank you for starting this.
 
Yes, it can work. Works pretty fine between R. and me (I'm asexual, she's not); there has never been a sexual component to our 'ship - going five and a half years now, and around a year and a half into it we've both come to accept that there appears to simply be no workable common ground sexually between us at all, but that we want to stay together nonetheless. She can and does share that part of her life with others, and considers our ship the emotional core of whatever structure she ends up with. From my side, I'm just glad to be a part of her life - I don't feel any need for hierarchical structures anyway.

The real question is can it work for you, and that's a highly individual/subjective question only the two of you can answer. (And there's neither shame nor failure in it if your answer turns out to be no, no matter if it can and does work for others. It just means you'll have to look for other solutions that work for you.)

Wishing you the best either way. :)
 
So, does your wife miss having sex with you? I think I'd feel better about it if she didn't but I would find it hard to deal with this if we both missed sex with each other but she was "punishing" me for needing more sex than her. This may just be a preference thing but I think it's more likely that she is uncomfortable with non monogamy and on some level, judges you negatively for needing more sex than her.
 

The real question is can it work for you, and that's a highly individual/subjective question only the two of you can answer.

Totally agree here. You each need to assess what it takes for you to feel connected to a partner. Sex is one route to that, but is it the only that works for you?

Also worth talking about how you envision the new scenario. How much touch/non-sexual contact do you want/need? How much would you each feel comfortable with? For me anyway, touch that is non-sexual can be really helpful in maintaining an emotional bond.

Finally, remember that any choice you make can be changed. You could try it, find it doesn't work, and so try something else.
 
It's great you are talking openly. It's great that she can at least intellectually understand that your sexualities don't match and she shouldn't expect you to curb your nature and be nearly celibate and deprived of something that is important to you, while she could hardly care less.

Sometimes emotions take a while to catch up to the mind's understanding. Very odd she's fine with BDSM, which is isn't interested in, while the sex thing, which for her is once a month, or less, does matter.

Did she used to be sexual? How old are your children? Is she sleep deprived, overworked? Do you two date, go away on romantic weekends ever? My point is, perhaps her libido is only temporarily dampened, and you two could revive you sex life. We can get caught up in home building, lawn mowing, jobs, kids' schooling and sports, etc., and forget about our sexy sides.

Have you considered couples' counseling? If she's making up ultimatums like, "You have sex with others? Then you'll never touch me again!" sounds like a recipe for even more bad feelings. It's not a good idea to add other partners if your primary relationship is not stable.

Do you have to hide your sexuality from her? Go jerk off in the shower after she's asleep? Can anything be done to become more sexually intimate? Can she at least hold you, nuzzle your neck a little, while you jerk off in bed, for example?

I've talked to men whose wives ended up off sex for whatever reason (illness, hormone fluctuations) and still didn't want their guy having sex with others. This can go 2 ways. Either the wife revives her libido somehow, or she becomes OK with her man getting that kind of loving elsewhere. Contemplating no more sex for you, other than once a season, for the rest of your life, masturbation only, no pussy! That seems like such a daunting, soul killing prospect.

My libido was extremely low when our 3 children were babies and toddlers. It totally exploded again once the youngest became more independent around age 4. Any chance this could be your wife's problem?
 
Totally agree here. You each need to assess what it takes for you to feel connected to a partner. Sex is one route to that, but is it the only that works for you?

Also worth talking about how you envision the new scenario. How much touch/non-sexual contact do you want/need? How much would you each feel comfortable with? For me anyway, touch that is non-sexual can be really helpful in maintaining an emotional bond.

Finally, remember that any choice you make can be changed. You could try it, find it doesn't work, and so try something else.

Every choice you make has consequences. Yes, you can change. .... but you might find you can't go back... or that it's permanantly affected your relationship.
 
I can relate

I can absolutely relate to this. It sounds like my husband wrote it!

We have been married about 15 years and had sexual issues the entire time. We have a very close relationship. We opened up in part because he wanted to do S/M without intercourse. I had no problem with that. Then he switched to wanting a girlfriend. I didn't have too too much trouble with that, but it was an adjustment. Now, we don't have sex at all and sleep in separate beds. This is hard for me because I do feel like there is a piece missing...but I don't know how to make that "piece" work.

It sounds like you might have discussed this: But are you sure your wife wants to be celibate? Is it really low libido? Does she want to explore her sexuality with others? Is her low libido from trauma or medication?

In my case, I did NOT have a low libido. My husband just has not been working as a sexual partner for me and I was able to sort through a lot by sleeping with others. But, yes, I find a no-sex marriage frustrating and lonely at times..BUT from what I hear from my married guys who cheat - all marriage seems a little like that.
 
Every choice you make has consequences. Yes, you can change. .... but you might find you can't go back... or that it's permanantly affected your relationship.

True, of course. If either of you feels a particular step would have irrevocable consequences that you are worried about, it would be good to make that clear, and to talk about what routes would still be open. Still, I think it's worth keeping in mind that you don't have to get things perfect right off the bat.
 
I put up a blog post today (in relationships) that begins to describe my husband's switch from S/M to a girlfriend with intercourse and a daily relationship.

Thank you for putting up this post! I agree. And you sure your wife wants to be celibate?
 
It could work for people who want that. I wouldn't want that personally. I would be more than happy to continue a friendship but I would want to live apart and I wouldnt consider them to be a partner.
 
To recap: your wife's sex drive is lower than yours, and she logically acknowledges this, but emotionally she can't make the leap to being okay with you having sex with others while still maintaining the sexual relationship you do have?

Does she know why? This is the crux of the matter. And it will determine success or lack thereof.

To me, your wife's feeling that she could tolerate you having an another relationship only after she severs the sexual component of your relationship strikes as a recipe for disaster because it is not coming from a healthy place. In denying you both the sex you do have, she is punishing not only you, but herself. Seems like the perfect breeding ground for resentment.

And while she may not acknowledge it as such, this alternative seems to be saying. "Okay, I will let you have what you want, but it is going to cost you." And you may find that if you act upon it, the cost is higher than you think. Given that she has not provided a healthy solution, you may find that she is terribly hurt by your willingness to pay that price and she is the opposite of okay with it.
 
Thank you all for your responses. They have each given me much to think about and I will share this thread with my wife when we net get a chance to sit down and have more conversation about this.

In the interests of clearing up a few points, both my wife and I are women. Our children are young (6 and nearly 3) so yes, we do suffer the inevitable tiredness that comes with this. I carried both of them, not that this makes any difference now that I'm no longer breastfeeding. Magdlyn, you ask some great questions, some of which I can answer now and others my wife and I need to discuss. I think I am going through the same 'sexuality exploding' thing that you mentioned happened to you when your youngest grew beyond toddler age. When my sexuality was lower due to having babies/toddlers my wife and I were better matched. Now it is growing again and hers is not. Hence these conversations.

Since we started having these conversations we have reintroduced a weekly 'date night' which has resulted in much more close time both on those nights and in between which has been lovely and is something we will continue, but it's made no great change in our sex life.

I don't believe my wife wants to be celibate. When we do have sex it can be amazing and she really enjoys it, but it never stays high on her priority list for long. Yes a busy home and work life impact on this but I have that too. And I don't believe she is trying to 'punish me by denying me sex with her' if I were to choose to have sex with others. I can see how it could be interpreted as this but I genuinely believe that she is trying to find a way to manage some very big and difficult emotions that are at odds with what she accepts intellectually.

Bookbug, I think you hit the nail on the head. Discovering that the thought of cutting off our sexual contact makes her feel better about me being sexual with others is one thing but understanding why is so much more important. I wish I understood why intellectually it sits OK yet there is still this big emotional issue to contend with. And I think you're right. We need to try to get to the bottom of that before I act on any of this because otherwise we are just asking for trouble. Big emotional mountains don't get squashed just because you build a wall around one part of them.

Bofish, I'm off to read your post now. :)

Oh and I suggested we have some couples counseling (psychology/therapy is my wife's professional field as it happens) but at present it is beyond our means financially.

Thank you all. Any other thoughts, please do continue to share them. I suspect we're going to be discussing/wrangling with this for a little while and your combined input thus far has been invaluable.
 
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I have non-sexual "partnerships". In business, friends.. etc..

I can't have a non-sexual romantic relationship. It is neither an interest or something I am interested in time managing.
 
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