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  #11  
Old 03-13-2017, 09:10 PM
Engagedandconfused Engagedandconfused is offline
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Jeez, every comment on here is much appreciated. I think everyone is offering integral insights. My fiancee is acting in a very calm, loving, and supportive way. I guess I'm scared to postpone the wedding based on this because I'm nervous it'll create more of a mess with extended family and what not (obviously not good reasons to base decisions off of). I agree, no life changing decision should be made in NRE... I guess I just needed some perspective.

I just got out of therapy and I kind of came to the same conclusion: I need to move as slowly as possible and access the truest me I can. There is something to look at if I feel meh with my fiancée at times and there is something to say that Other is able to understand my mind in a uncommon/important way. I need time, I guess. I feel like my fiancée will be fine with that, but Other will have a harder time. It's so convoluted because Other and I are so synchronistic.. but I need to refrain from gawking over that novelty I guess.

Continue thoughts, please! You all are really the only support I have about this other than my fiancée.
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  #12  
Old 03-14-2017, 12:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I guess I'm scared to postpone the wedding based on this because I'm nervous it'll create more of a mess with extended family and what not (obviously not good reasons to base decisions off of).
The "Engagement Period" to me ends successfully in one of two ways.
  • The couple spends time talking and assessing if they are DEEPLY compatible. They can take pre-marital classes online, at a church or other house of worship, county extension offices, or similar to help them. They find they ARE deeply compatible. They end the engagement and move on to wedding planning.

Quote:
The couple spends time talking and assessing if they are DEEPLY compatible. They can take pre-marital classes... They find they ARE NOT deeply compatible. They end the engagement and announce there will be no wedding. They spare themselves the cost and grief of a wedding, marriage, and divorce. Not just financial costs, but emotional and mental costs.
Quote:
I need time, I guess. I feel like my fiancée will be fine with that, but Other will have a harder time.
Quote:
I just got out of therapy and I kind of came to the same conclusion: I need to move as slowly as possible and access the truest me I can
Speak your truth then, so you can remain true to your values.

They cannot be mind readers. It is on you to state what you need at this time. If what you need is more time?

Tell fiancee you need more time and want to postpone the wedding. If no date is in mind, don't set another date. Just cancel whatever has been going on, and take premarital classes to make sure you are deeply compatible.

Tell Other you need more time to think and you want to postpone any decisions about changing the current arrangements. If she needs to bow out right now, you understand her choice to break up with you. But you are not prepared to change the "V" model you currently practice without giving it some deep thought.

How each one "handles it" is on them -- every person could do their own emotional management. Each one carries their own bag.

It's not your job to carry everyone's baggage for them so they do not feel discomfort. It IS your job to communicate clearly and honestly. Do your job. Trust that they will do theirs.

They either will or won't and that's something else to consider when you think about compatibility with someone. Whether or not they take personal responsibility for themselves or want others to "carry" them.

Galagirl
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  #13  
Old 03-14-2017, 03:07 PM
Lea Lea is offline
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I'm going to say from knowing myself that if poly is part of you, then you can't ignore that. Because I can say for certain living monogamously has left me feeling broken broken broken, and even though I've been able to come out as poly and have a bf/gf I'm realizing that parts of me are still probably broken from all those years.

Trying to be someone you aren't for the sake of love isn't going to work.

Good Luck!
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  #14  
Old 03-14-2017, 03:17 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Just a couple more observations, since you asked.

You say it's meh with fiance, but Other totally gets you...

Have you considered trying to rekindle with fiance? I was married for 22 years. Sure we went through periods of being in a rut, but we always managed to steer out of that rut.

Other gets you on some cosmic level...except for being poly, which can be pretty important.

Back when internet access was basically limited to a PC on a phone line, a friend of mine used to joke about how quickly internet love blossomed. She said it was like, "OMG! You like peanut butter? I like peanut butter too! You so get me!"

I'm glad you are taking your time to think this through.
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  #15  
Old 03-14-2017, 04:09 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Engagedandconfused View Post
Hi guys, new here. I'm losing my mind. I'm getting married in two months and I am in love with two people, my fiancée and other. Openly poly relationship. But my other partner came to the realization that she wants me for her, only. The other partner checks all of my boxes but, no, the okay with poly one.
If you are poly, I don't see how "for her, only" is going to work long term.

Quote:
My fiancée, checks like 7, including the poly one. Shit is hitting the fan and I feel like no one around me understands. Help! Anything.
If you feel like no one around you understands, you have to be aware that you don't have to "pick one". You could always wait to feel understood.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Engagedandconfused View Post
I'm not sure if I plan to practice it while married. While married to my fiancée, probably. If I married Other, I'm not sure. I feel like poly is a part of me that cannot be ignored but it also doesn't always need attention, if that makes sense.
Unless you are planning a fixed term marriage or something, you should probably consider that while it doesn't always need attention, it is something you don't feel ready to give up altogether - "cannot be ignored".

Quote:
Cons
Fiancée: I don't like to be mushy with her or really even touch too much, she doesn't catch my references, she isn't adaptable in various situations, very emotional, often bored together
Doesn't sound like the relationship excites you.

Quote:
Other: not okay with me being poly right now, only known her for a brief amount of time, asking me to leave my fiancée
She got involved with you while you were engaged to someone. You have good NRE. She wants you to herself.

All kinds of alarms ringing in my head about this. Namely:
  • The person she is attracted to (you) is poly, but she is trying to make you something that you are not (mono). If you enjoy the multiple relationships, that has an impact on how you are in each. Not having that will also have an impact on how you are in each. Will you be as attractive? No idea.
  • She is trying to change you into something you are not after entering into a relationship based on where and how you are. This sounds more like willing to work on you than herself.
  • If part of what makes you attractive to her is that you "belong" to someone else, getting you to herself may end that fascination. This is a fairly common phenomenon. Particularly if it manifests in the early stages of a relationship.
  • NRE is usually more dazzling than existing relationships, so the "not bored" and "bored" should be evaluated at a later time.
  • NRE = too early for big decisions

Both of them don't sound like they satisfy you in crucial ways. One bores you, the other doesn't accept you as you are. You talk as though marrying one or the other is inevitable. You should probably reassess that.

If you want both - your reality, you could also choose to be true to yourself refuse to choose and let the person with the problem with poly figure out what needs to be done and accept it as the consequences of being true to yourself.
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  #16  
Old 03-14-2017, 06:02 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Engagedandconfused,

It sounds to me like if you want to marry/continue seeing Other, you will have to stop being poly, forever. Am I hearing that right? or would Other eventually accept you as poly? Sounds like a risky proposition at best. I also think you need more time to decide whether you really want to marry Fiancée ... but that's me.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 03-18-2017, 12:28 AM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
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Dude don't get married lightly.

Especially if you aren't sure if your "poly nature" won't come through or not. That's a powerful thing.

If you don't know your own nature yet or feelings or needs,

Don't say "I do."

Give yourself time, let things go as they may.
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