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  #91  
Old 08-05-2016, 10:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Oh, right, my "big words" tendency. Sorry.

So let me put it this way: what exactly the f@ck is wrong with sometimes making fun of MONOS on a POLY site?

(I suppose someone could make the case that monogamists generally demonstrate their moral superiority by defending alternatives all over the Web -- but that would be a few steps past ludicrous.)
I have a simpler case: it's a dick move.

Many of the mono folks are here for support in their own relationships - they have a horse in this race, and not only has a race horse fallen into their laps, they have no friggin' idea what to do with it. Plus, a good number of them end up in bad situations when their spouses want to be poly RIGHT NOW, and they're getting steamrolled as they try to make sense of this.

You go to a monogamously-focused person or group for advice, and you get advice to leave. Full stop. You come to a poly site for advice, and you find that people are arguing that it's okay to make fun of you. Awesome.

It's extremely easy for a mono person in a mono/poly relationship to feel completely outside both worlds: mono friends don't understand why you're doing this, and you're not poly, so you don't fit in that world either.

A little compassion goes a long way.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


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  #92  
Old 08-05-2016, 10:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Let's posit that people who show up on this site are (1) adults in at least some senses of the word & (2) of at least moderate intelligence. Given those presuppositions, then maybe they could explain what specific perceived jabs have hurt their feelings. See, from there, perhaps a discussion might ensue.
I will assume you're talking about OP's (RP's?) comment that the thread was sad, as opposed to plucking phrases out of the thread in order to justify it (and lead to discussion).

Shrug.
I hardly think the discussion has suffered any because of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Hmm... no. That essentially saying "you aren't allowed to demonstrate that something is obstructive until you first demonstrate that it's obstructive."
Not at all. I'm saying that merely stating that you are offended by something isn't the same as asking the mods to remove it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
And, further, it sets up visiting monogamists as a special class deserving a degree of wariness which polyamorists are not afforded -- which, really, we don't give each other, possibly because it intentionally restricts communication.
How does "don't be a dick" restrict communication?

And we were *specifically* talking about offending mono people on a poly board. Of course, compassion should go to everyone. I'm not asking for something I wouldn't expect for anyone on this board. You can take your strawman down now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Heaving an occasional disgusted sigh about the failures of monogamistic superstition is nothing anywhere near "denigrating monogamy." And (ibid.) dredging up a hoary thread with a few in it is itself low-level trolling.
It was nowhere near trolling. It was not designed to evoke a response. It was designed to communicate one, regardless of whether or not the poster showed their work.

It is daunting for mono folks to come to a poly board for advice. Seeing smirks, eyerolls, and comments like "what the fuck is wrong with making fun of monogamous people" doesn't help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Now, with all THAT said, I think it'd be instructive if someone were to actually present some of those cobwebby "anti-monogamy" statements, so that they might be discussed, & perhaps dismissed. Possibly those who feel they've been maligned could give some examples.
See the post you just quoted. The *good* thing is that, over the last five years (as poly has gotten more mainstream), I've seen less of it. You now have more of the sensationally-titled articles ("Why This May Be the End of Monogamy"), but that's the nature of news via the web.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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  #93  
Old 08-05-2016, 11:14 AM
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And because I was curious, myself...

An interesting thread from 2011 that shows how much I love the discussion on this board.

Another thread in which it was pointed out that the statements could be considered offensive, yet encouraged more discussion rather than stifled it.

Okay... I've pushed off getting ready for work long enough.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter

Last edited by YouAreHere; 08-05-2016 at 11:17 AM. Reason: a word
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  #94  
Old 08-05-2016, 02:41 PM
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And again I wonder...

So allow me to simply, ASK...

That thing where I refer to monos, vanillas, or (more usually) "muggles", I am specifically speaking of the ones who will assert that "normal" = "right". Not just right for THEM, but for EVERYONE.

When a poly article gets posted on FB and I see the comments not from my own friends but from the public in general on that article, and so many are pearl clutchers who are disgusted with:
"selfish"
"shallow"
"don't know what love is"
"can't commit"
"hedonistic"
"slutty"
ETC...which they assume polyfolk are, nevermind how we must certainly be destroying society and harming the children (because obviously we have orgies in the living room during Saturday morning cartoons and Fruit Loops.)

Yeah, I'm gonna make fun of those assholes.

But I'm thinking it isn't fair to say, "monos" when you mean...those people. Since a person happily living as a mono but open minded enough to contemplate poly, for themselves, a loved one, etc and coming here for some support, should be welcomed.

Ravenscroft, when you draw comparisons...and I'm wanting some thought exchange with you on this subject, because I get the feeling you don't judge all monofolk so harshly...

I think of the fact that I want so badly for racial equality and an end to discrimination in my country. And the concept to me that minorities would (and do) bash "white people" to include me, and describe ALL as, well, racist to the degree of being perfectly fine with all of the horrors and injustices against them... I'm sorry, but that is wrong. I want to be your friend, please don't lump me in with skinheads and KKK, alright? Now I'm sure some do...but ya know, I really would prefer they didn't.

How about LGBTQ folks, on boards relative to that, bashing straights as though every person who prefers to shag the opposite gender is basically a Bible thumping southern right wing extremist right outta Duck Dynasty, how about that? I'm ~mostly~ straight, and I marched in a Pride parade not long back, and I would really rather not be lumped in with people who are hateful.

Basically it's treatment of those who would step forward as allies...as though no matter what THEY think, they are the enemy.

I don't like that. So I do think we should try to at least be decent to the monofolk who come here to explore ideas fairly and understand what poly is about. Am I wrong?
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  #95  
Old 08-05-2016, 06:15 PM
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I'd go even further and say that even poly-unfriendly monos ("muggles") should be treated courteously when they post here. Let the mods decide when things go too far. When CTF started out here, he wasn't too keen on the idea of poly in general. People have been nice to him and he has come around. So turning the other cheek can be a worthwhile investment.
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  #96  
Old 08-05-2016, 06:23 PM
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I have to wonder if I'm now more of a Squib than a Muggle.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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  #97  
Old 08-05-2016, 07:01 PM
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This thread was started by someone who wanted discussion on how people in poly arrangements that include monogamous partners can make it work for all involved. It was meant to offer insight into what a mono person would need or expect in a poly relationship when polyamory is not their preference. In essence, the spirit of this thread is meant to be helpful to monos and polys alike. I fail to see how bashing or ridiculing monogamy would be appropriate. Let's please stay on topic and address how partners in a mono/poly relationship can have more understanding about each other's preferences and tendencies and work together for a mutually satisfying dynamic. If anyone doesn't have something practical, insightful, or helpful to offer in that vein, then I suggest staying away from this thread.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-05-2016 at 07:03 PM.
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