Hi. I’m going through a bit of a crisis right now so I’m sorry for the length of this message, but I really want to make sure I give a good picture of my situation.
Earlier in the week my girlfriend of seven years told me she’s polyamorous, which she also just realized herself after a poly friend of hers helped explain what she was feeling. Up until then I knew vaguely about polyamory even though I didn't know the term, and have spent the last few days reading articles online, but I’m still very new to this so sorry if I get any terms wrong and about my ignorance in general, but of course that’s why I’m here. I would really appreciate any advice and having a few questions answered.
After explaining that she’s poly she told me she’s interested in an open relationship with me as her primary lover. She said it wouldn't have to be anything physical with anyone else, that it was mainly an emotional relationship with others that she needs. One thing I’m uncomfortable is that she used the term ‘love’ when referring to what she feels for other people, and while that doesn't make me feel less loved it does make me feel like I’d be equal to any other relationship, instead of the primary/secondary relationship she described. But of course all my concepts of what love is come from a monoamorous viewpoint, so I’m wondering what it means for a poly person to ‘love’ someone else. Throughout our relationship she’s fallen for various other people, yet she’s remained with me so am I being overly hung up on a word?
I’d really rather be in a completely closed relationship, but I know she can’t help any emotional/romantic connection she feels with anyone else. From what I gather it seems almost more like a sexuality in that it’s something people are born with. Is this an accurate assessment? I don’t want her to repress her emotions for my happiness, and even if she did it’d be setting her up for failure. Besides I realize she’s had a hell of a hard time with this for a while, before she knew what was going on she felt like it was wrong to be in love with me and feel something for someone else as well, and the last thing I want is for her to feel like this makes her a bad person in any way.
A few questions and concerns I have: I’m afraid if she does start another relationship I’ll wind up replaced if she falls in love with him more than me. I know no one can say what emotions will do, but is this something that happens often? It is going to be incredibly difficult for me to accept her being with someone else, and don’t want to put myself through that emotional train wreck only to have her leave me because of it. Also she says it’s not anything physical she’s interested in, and I’m sure that’s what she thinks now, but is that really realistic? I worry she just doesn't understand her feelings fully, only recently learning about all this herself, and that if she starts a secondary relationship it will turn physical. How can a romantic relationship happen without any physical intimacy unless it’s long distance?
I know in the end it comes down to what I’m comfortable with and finding mutually agreeable ground rules concerning other people, which is something I’m trying to figure out. I thank anyone who takes the time to read and reply, and I’m sorry this message is so long.
Earlier in the week my girlfriend of seven years told me she’s polyamorous, which she also just realized herself after a poly friend of hers helped explain what she was feeling. Up until then I knew vaguely about polyamory even though I didn't know the term, and have spent the last few days reading articles online, but I’m still very new to this so sorry if I get any terms wrong and about my ignorance in general, but of course that’s why I’m here. I would really appreciate any advice and having a few questions answered.
After explaining that she’s poly she told me she’s interested in an open relationship with me as her primary lover. She said it wouldn't have to be anything physical with anyone else, that it was mainly an emotional relationship with others that she needs. One thing I’m uncomfortable is that she used the term ‘love’ when referring to what she feels for other people, and while that doesn't make me feel less loved it does make me feel like I’d be equal to any other relationship, instead of the primary/secondary relationship she described. But of course all my concepts of what love is come from a monoamorous viewpoint, so I’m wondering what it means for a poly person to ‘love’ someone else. Throughout our relationship she’s fallen for various other people, yet she’s remained with me so am I being overly hung up on a word?
I’d really rather be in a completely closed relationship, but I know she can’t help any emotional/romantic connection she feels with anyone else. From what I gather it seems almost more like a sexuality in that it’s something people are born with. Is this an accurate assessment? I don’t want her to repress her emotions for my happiness, and even if she did it’d be setting her up for failure. Besides I realize she’s had a hell of a hard time with this for a while, before she knew what was going on she felt like it was wrong to be in love with me and feel something for someone else as well, and the last thing I want is for her to feel like this makes her a bad person in any way.
A few questions and concerns I have: I’m afraid if she does start another relationship I’ll wind up replaced if she falls in love with him more than me. I know no one can say what emotions will do, but is this something that happens often? It is going to be incredibly difficult for me to accept her being with someone else, and don’t want to put myself through that emotional train wreck only to have her leave me because of it. Also she says it’s not anything physical she’s interested in, and I’m sure that’s what she thinks now, but is that really realistic? I worry she just doesn't understand her feelings fully, only recently learning about all this herself, and that if she starts a secondary relationship it will turn physical. How can a romantic relationship happen without any physical intimacy unless it’s long distance?
I know in the end it comes down to what I’m comfortable with and finding mutually agreeable ground rules concerning other people, which is something I’m trying to figure out. I thank anyone who takes the time to read and reply, and I’m sorry this message is so long.