Recently found out girlfriend is poly, trying to understand

ShineOn

New member
Hi. I’m going through a bit of a crisis right now so I’m sorry for the length of this message, but I really want to make sure I give a good picture of my situation.

Earlier in the week my girlfriend of seven years told me she’s polyamorous, which she also just realized herself after a poly friend of hers helped explain what she was feeling. Up until then I knew vaguely about polyamory even though I didn't know the term, and have spent the last few days reading articles online, but I’m still very new to this so sorry if I get any terms wrong and about my ignorance in general, but of course that’s why I’m here. I would really appreciate any advice and having a few questions answered.

After explaining that she’s poly she told me she’s interested in an open relationship with me as her primary lover. She said it wouldn't have to be anything physical with anyone else, that it was mainly an emotional relationship with others that she needs. One thing I’m uncomfortable is that she used the term ‘love’ when referring to what she feels for other people, and while that doesn't make me feel less loved it does make me feel like I’d be equal to any other relationship, instead of the primary/secondary relationship she described. But of course all my concepts of what love is come from a monoamorous viewpoint, so I’m wondering what it means for a poly person to ‘love’ someone else. Throughout our relationship she’s fallen for various other people, yet she’s remained with me so am I being overly hung up on a word?

I’d really rather be in a completely closed relationship, but I know she can’t help any emotional/romantic connection she feels with anyone else. From what I gather it seems almost more like a sexuality in that it’s something people are born with. Is this an accurate assessment? I don’t want her to repress her emotions for my happiness, and even if she did it’d be setting her up for failure. Besides I realize she’s had a hell of a hard time with this for a while, before she knew what was going on she felt like it was wrong to be in love with me and feel something for someone else as well, and the last thing I want is for her to feel like this makes her a bad person in any way.

A few questions and concerns I have: I’m afraid if she does start another relationship I’ll wind up replaced if she falls in love with him more than me. I know no one can say what emotions will do, but is this something that happens often? It is going to be incredibly difficult for me to accept her being with someone else, and don’t want to put myself through that emotional train wreck only to have her leave me because of it. Also she says it’s not anything physical she’s interested in, and I’m sure that’s what she thinks now, but is that really realistic? I worry she just doesn't understand her feelings fully, only recently learning about all this herself, and that if she starts a secondary relationship it will turn physical. How can a romantic relationship happen without any physical intimacy unless it’s long distance?

I know in the end it comes down to what I’m comfortable with and finding mutually agreeable ground rules concerning other people, which is something I’m trying to figure out. I thank anyone who takes the time to read and reply, and I’m sorry this message is so long.
 
It is ok to seek more info. Welcome!

I’m wondering what it means for a poly person to ‘love’ someone else.

I subscribe to love theory. Many ways to love people. Like I love my mom and dad in the "companionate way." Def NOT in the body passion way!

http://www.intrapsychictaxonomy.org/sternberg.htm

Some expanded definitions:
http://sitemaker.umich.edu/psy457_lamyiu/sternberg_s_theory_of_love

Maybe that helps give you more "love vocabulary?"

Throughout our relationship she’s fallen for various other people, yet she’s remained with me so am I being overly hung up on a word?

Only you can answer that one. To me? Crushes are crushes, dude. Isn't the end of the world and isn't like she doesn't love you too. They come, they go.

If you Open and it moves outside of (passive, non-active crush from a distance territory) and develops into (active dating, up close, reciprocal, maybe serious relationship forming) kinda of stuff.... can you hack that or not? Her dating? Her having another serious partner? Poly hell? Weathering change and transitions? What open models can you deal in? What are total turn offs?

I suggest reading more and not being in a hurry to Open. Figure out HOW you guys would want to Open, after sorting out if you really even want to.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

I’d really rather be in a completely closed relationship, but I know she can’t help any emotional/romantic connection she feels with anyone else.

Could state your honest preference then. I think that radical honesty is required to do any ethical polyshipping well. So best to be radically honest from the starting gate about what you are into and not into. You can have your preferences. She can have hers. Neither is "bad" for having them. Just it what it is. You sort it out once everyone puts cards on table straight up. What lines up and what does not.

I may not be able to help crushing on X, but I certainly CAN control whether or not I choose to pursue it and develop it further. What my behavior around them is. I don't buy the idea that because I feel crushes or attractions or even deep love for someone that I HAVE to do anything about it like it is predestined fate or something. She may not be able to help how she feels, but she can certainly help how she behaves.

I’m afraid if she does start another relationship I’ll wind up replaced if she falls in love with him more than me.

How is this risk not present in your current monogamous Closed situation? :confused: Cuz it is.

I could be wrong but to me this sounds like jealousy fear of not "being enough."

Rather than rushing to Open Relationship -- how about being Open in Mind first? Talking to her about her poly thoughts and feelings. Is that enough for her for now? Sort it out.

It is going to be incredibly difficult for me to accept her being with someone else, and don’t want to put myself through that emotional train wreck only to have her leave me because of it.

Maybe she's happy splitting the difference. You Open in Mind for her sake, so she has someone to share that side of herself with. She Closes in Relationship for your sake because you like mono shipping. You actually have to ask if that option is on the table of her or not.

But you could state your own preferences and personal limitations up front. It is on you to know your own self, your own willingness, your own abilities. What you can and cannot do. Then articulate and give her clear information on those things because she is not a mind reader. Sort it out for yourself first, then between you.

If you are going into something you are "meh" on to postpone sorting it out, or to prevent her leaving you? That isn't the correct spirit to me. You are not joyful to go there. You go there from fear or anxiety. That's not good beginnings. :(

Easier to say " I can do these things. I cannot do these things." And she can make her next choices from there, fully informed on where you stand.

The only 100% way for you to NOT experience (her dumping you after you opening up to polyshipping)? Is for you not to polyship. That part of it you can control -- (your willingness to polyship or not.)

The other stuff she controls -- (her willingness to date you or not.)

The future is unknowable at this point in time. You would take an educated risk based on what you know in the present about your own "willing and able" and her "willing and able."

How can a romantic relationship happen without any physical intimacy unless it’s long distance?

Because she can control her loins? And doesn't jump people willy nilly? :confused: Just because someone is poly doesn't mean they lack self control in their behavior!

I think what you might be trying to articulate is "Ok, for now you do not want a sexual relationship. Should that change in future, how will you let me know ahead of time? So I can be prepared and not caught by surprise?"

You also might be trying to articulate what physical expressions are comfortable sounding to you. Hugs? Cheek kisses?

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

I know in the end it comes down to what I’m comfortable with and finding mutually agreeable ground rules concerning other people, which is something I’m trying to figure out.

Before you move on to articulating boundaries for HOW to execute? Could do some honest soul searching to answer "DoI even want to go there?"

If you truly just prefer one-on-one relationships and are just not up for this, say so.

If you are not sure but willing to try for a x months to figure it out? Say that.

She can either be ok with that, or not be ok with that. But YOU are remaining true to what YOU value.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl posts some great questions and articles - I definitely recommend poring through it all.

As for the "how do I understand how my partner loves" thing, I wrote this not all that long ago. I struggled through the same thing, and just found it very difficult to understand how my partner experiences love when I seem to love differently. Not sure if it'll help, but it's something that made sense to me. :)

http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2014/08/on-analogies-and-love.html
 
Romance and sex do not necessarily co-exist.

To look at your question from a different perspective: How can you have physical intimacy if you aren't in a romantic relationship?

Can you see how sex without romance or love is possible? If so, doesn't it seem reasonable that romantic love without sex is also possible?

We have several members here who are asexual, and yet are in romantic, loving relationships, sometimes with more than one person. *None* of those relationships involve sex. And yet they exist.

As for your discomfort with her using "love" to describe emotional connections with other partners, I do understand. But love is not a finite thing, in my opinion. When I "came out" to Hubby as polyamorous, he said, "You loving Guy will not take away from how much you love me; you're bringing more love into the world." And that's kinda how it works, at least for those who are polyamorous. Loving one doesn't mean loving another *less*. It means loving them both.

Being her primary doesn't mean you're the only one she loves; it means you're the one she chooses to have a *life* with, including living together if you do, having sex with you since you say she's expressed that she will not necessarily have sex with others, etc. It means, to me at least, that in her heart, you have a higher place than others with whom she might become involved.

And because you and she have built a long-term relationship and some kind of life together, it is unlikely that she would leave you for someone else. I don't know about loving one "more" than another; to me, everyone involved in a polyamorous relationship is different, and therefore are loved *differently* from each other rather than more or less. I think at this point, I love Hubby, Guy, and S2 *equally*, but because I connect with each of them in different ways and they each bring a different benefit to my life, I don't love them the *same*. And so I couldn't, for example, leave Hubby for S2...because Hubby *isn't* S2, and S2 *isn't* Hubby, and I want/need both of them in my life and heart.

Most of the concerns you've brought up in your post, I would strongly advise discussing with your girlfriend. She is very fortunate to be involved with someone who would even consider allowing her to explore this side of herself, so kudos to you for that! And because you are giving her this, I would hope she would be willing to discuss with you how to make it the easiest and most comfortable for you that it can be.
 
Re (from OP):
"I'm afraid if she does start another relationship I'll wind up replaced if she falls in love with him more than me. I know no one can say what emotions will do, but is this something that happens often?"

I would say that it usually does not happen. However, I can't say it never happens.

You have to remember that a polyamorous person *wants* more than one partner. So getting rid of one's first partner as soon as one finds a second partner (even if one loves the second partner "more") would kind of defeat the purpose.

In polyamory, we tend not to love different people in varying amounts (or to varying degrees). Instead, we tend to love different people in varying ways. So to "love him more" is a phrase that kind of doesn't make sense in the poly mindset.

Re:
"Also she says it's not anything physical she's interested in, and I'm sure that's what she thinks now, but is that really realistic?"

It is possible she's telling you what you want to hear, in the hopes of being allowed to "get her foot in the poly door." And maybe she really wants to believe it herself too. But you're at least half right; it may or may not be realistic. We'd have to have ESP and be able to crawl into her psyche to find out.

Re:
"How can a romantic relationship happen without any physical intimacy unless it's long distance?"

It can. Sometimes it does. That doesn't guarantee anything about your situation, though.
 
Hi ShineOn,

I'm starting to go through the same situation myself. My gf and I opened up our relationship to sex with others (polysexual) but she has started having feelings for her first sexual partner outside of me. After some initial missteps, we have been working being completely honest about what we want. Things were intense for both of us, so we decided to spend a month or two working on just the two of us. We will likely reopen things up to a polyamorous relationship after though. I have been struggling with the same ideas as you and coming to this forum to read about what other people deal/have dealt with is definitely helping me sort out how I actually feel about the situation.

I'm still not sure if polyamory is for me, but it is something I want to try and see for myself. You can only read about other people's experiences for so long before you either decide or test it for yourself. I love my gf and she hasn't made me feel any less loved after she discovered that she had love for another man in addition. The biggest hurdle I have is figuring out if I can live in a situation where I'm not the primary as she is not interested in having a hierarchical relationship.

In any event, I love her and want to give this situation a try. She is definitely polyamorous and I wouldn't change that even if I could. I also have the freedom to find a second person to love as well. While that is a whole different conversation, I feel like having another lover might help ameliorate the jealousy that being one end of a V makes me feel.

In the end, if it doesn't work out for me, I'll be honest with her and we'll go from there. Though I hate the thought of it, we simply might not be compatible if she can't take being monoamorous and I can't take being polyamorous. You may already know where you stand, but would you be willing to try it for a few weeks and see how you feel? I'm still inexperienced in poly, but it sounds like that might be the only course of action if she does have a poly mindset.

I hope this helps in some way. I feel for you man and know that there are a lot of us new to this and finding our way!
 
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