Gosh, where do I start? First off, I haven't been on here in a while. Sorry about that! (I've just started my fall semester and I am having troubles with my eldest child.) I hope everyone has been doing well! I will try to read some recent posts and comment a bit.
The last time I was on, I talked about how I was embarking on allowing an open relationship with my bf. He has been poly for years. This is something that I am genuinely interested in (after fighting it at first). Given my tendency to feel strangled by overly-jealous lovers, I think it could very well work for me too, at some point. (With this new perspective, I've already felt the joyous freedom of feeling attracted to someone new and knowing it would be okay to pursue them!)
My bf has been interested in two other girls for a few months. He hasn't been dating them, just chatting and emailing and hanging out with them in a group of friends, because he's been waiting for me to feel okay with him going ahead with them. I thought long and deep, and searched my thoughts and feelings about him seeing other women, and I came to the conclusion that, even though it would be difficult, it was something I could do.
About two weeks ago, my poor bf (I will call him Nick) was was fighting wildland fires. While he was gone, I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry. I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things, such as theater, etc.
We were chatting online while he was gone. I ended up breaking it off with him, because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from the fire. It went amicably at the time. I just sort of bowed out, mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away!
After that, I just got very angry. I don't know. For several days I just started fuming inside about how he didn't care about me, didn't want to be with me in first place, because if he did he wouldn't be doing this, blah blah... I really filled myself with negative, even malicious thoughts. All the ground I had covered in the preceding months just seemed to disappear, and the old emotional habits started up again.
I admit I was being horrid, I guess because I felt horrid. And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. On Sunday, I called him, and he said he was having one of his gfs over for dinner. I just felt heartbroken. But what the hell? I don't know why I broke up with him. He had already told me he was planning on spending more time with them, so why would I feel so hurt by this? I just started imagining that he would use all his smooth moves, and they would, well, you know... My mind went to all the places it's best not to go.
I was so angry and hurt, that when he came by yesterday to pick up some stuff, I was just cold to him. He started to say I love you and I slammed the door in his face. We talked later and he said he thought that slamming the door in his face was a fitting metaphor for all we've been through. He said that all he wants to do is love me and all I do is try to get away, or push him away... in effect, slam the door on his love.
Well, with that long story out of the way, I just wonder if any other successfully poly relationships have started out this way. I know I have it in me somewhere to embrace this. I don't understand why I totally lost it and why all I could do was to react to my pain and uncertainty with rage and coldness. I feel so terrible about the way I acted.
I seem to just sit and dwell and twist things around in my head. I was thinking things like, "He just wants to f*** around. He is so shallow and egotistical that he needs all this attention from women," etc. Just thinking all these poison thoughts that are so ingrained, I honestly don't know what reality is anymore! I talked to some friends about it (who are FIERCELY mono, so not the best choice of audience) and they were all about adding more poison.
I felt like I was almost there. What happened??
Nick and I talked last night and one question just rings in my head: What is it about romantic relationships that make one feel SO jealous? I mean, people don't generally feel jealous of friends when they go to the movies together or some other innocuous thing. It has to be focused on the sexual part, or the physical intimacy part, I should say, since even kissing and cuddling can make people rage with jealousy. What is SO threatening about that? If I could figure that out, maybe I could understand my Giant Step Backward.
The last time I was on, I talked about how I was embarking on allowing an open relationship with my bf. He has been poly for years. This is something that I am genuinely interested in (after fighting it at first). Given my tendency to feel strangled by overly-jealous lovers, I think it could very well work for me too, at some point. (With this new perspective, I've already felt the joyous freedom of feeling attracted to someone new and knowing it would be okay to pursue them!)
My bf has been interested in two other girls for a few months. He hasn't been dating them, just chatting and emailing and hanging out with them in a group of friends, because he's been waiting for me to feel okay with him going ahead with them. I thought long and deep, and searched my thoughts and feelings about him seeing other women, and I came to the conclusion that, even though it would be difficult, it was something I could do.
About two weeks ago, my poor bf (I will call him Nick) was was fighting wildland fires. While he was gone, I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry. I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things, such as theater, etc.
We were chatting online while he was gone. I ended up breaking it off with him, because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from the fire. It went amicably at the time. I just sort of bowed out, mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away!
After that, I just got very angry. I don't know. For several days I just started fuming inside about how he didn't care about me, didn't want to be with me in first place, because if he did he wouldn't be doing this, blah blah... I really filled myself with negative, even malicious thoughts. All the ground I had covered in the preceding months just seemed to disappear, and the old emotional habits started up again.
I admit I was being horrid, I guess because I felt horrid. And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. On Sunday, I called him, and he said he was having one of his gfs over for dinner. I just felt heartbroken. But what the hell? I don't know why I broke up with him. He had already told me he was planning on spending more time with them, so why would I feel so hurt by this? I just started imagining that he would use all his smooth moves, and they would, well, you know... My mind went to all the places it's best not to go.
I was so angry and hurt, that when he came by yesterday to pick up some stuff, I was just cold to him. He started to say I love you and I slammed the door in his face. We talked later and he said he thought that slamming the door in his face was a fitting metaphor for all we've been through. He said that all he wants to do is love me and all I do is try to get away, or push him away... in effect, slam the door on his love.
Well, with that long story out of the way, I just wonder if any other successfully poly relationships have started out this way. I know I have it in me somewhere to embrace this. I don't understand why I totally lost it and why all I could do was to react to my pain and uncertainty with rage and coldness. I feel so terrible about the way I acted.
I seem to just sit and dwell and twist things around in my head. I was thinking things like, "He just wants to f*** around. He is so shallow and egotistical that he needs all this attention from women," etc. Just thinking all these poison thoughts that are so ingrained, I honestly don't know what reality is anymore! I talked to some friends about it (who are FIERCELY mono, so not the best choice of audience) and they were all about adding more poison.
I felt like I was almost there. What happened??
Nick and I talked last night and one question just rings in my head: What is it about romantic relationships that make one feel SO jealous? I mean, people don't generally feel jealous of friends when they go to the movies together or some other innocuous thing. It has to be focused on the sexual part, or the physical intimacy part, I should say, since even kissing and cuddling can make people rage with jealousy. What is SO threatening about that? If I could figure that out, maybe I could understand my Giant Step Backward.