Ravenscroft
Banned
One of the recurring memes around polyamory is
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I'm not particularly good-looking; never have been. Nor rich or hunky or any of that stuff. Actually, I'm (in my mind at least) kinda skinny, 5'10, nearsighted, noticeably scoliotic (though physically fit), & my head/neck are proportionally a bit large (measurements upon request ). So, my studliness was NOT a factor.
On the other hand, we never had to hide our life. My household never "came out of the closet" because we were never in; Annie & I clarified this before we got involved, long before we lived together. It became widely known in some Twin Cities subcultures, not least being Wicca, science-fiction fandom, Renaissance Faire, Naturist, & SCA. (Matter of fact, she was Army, her dogtags state WICCA, & she wasn't shy about telling people we were bi & poly.)
We were also a nude household. Winter or summer, we preferred to be naked, & at one time had a sign inside the front door:
My housemates (2-3 women) tended to have degrees of FWB, often sporadic in interaction, rather than "partners." From what they told me, most guys who showed interest were carting around one or two intentions:
If there was a third snag, it's the guys who'd get involved with one of my housemates, then get the impression this was entree for sex with everyone, &/or thought they might simply move in with us.
We invited a few to spend a sort of "lockdown" weekend, participating in our day-to-day life. The high communication level proved daunting. As well, with our regular PDAs (nothing overtly sexual), guys were intimidated by the thought they'd get a public boner with all the attractive young women wandering past.
Meanwhile, my lovers were very happy with their lives so weren't shopping me as some sort of replacement for what they already had, whether solo or married or in their own network. They found the nudity liberating; exposure to the various body types seemed to quell their self-doubts about attractiveness. Annie wasn't shy about cupping a breast or patting a fanny in affection, & would complement a body feature she found admirable. When someone who was normally shy asked a housemate if it'd be rude to drag me off to the bedroom, that bluntness was welcomed.
I held myself to high standards, because I already had plenty of variety & opportunity in my life, & my partners generally were as demanding in their own right. Short-lived or one-time "mood" things weren't rare, but hardly common.
So overall, yeah, I suppose the women in my life had many more guys from whom to choose, but fewer who proved capable of making it past some rather low hurdles, where the women I attracted could more easily meet a higher standard.
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My impression is that most "poly" people are closed threes, or couples/individuals "looking," or open with autonomous outside relationships, so have probably never had opportunity to make up-close comparisons of how their various intimates actually handle things. Of the remaining minority, I'd really enjoy hearing their own experiences as to whether it really is any "easier" for women.
but that hasn't been my personal experience. Maybe it's a "quality" thing, or a reflection of differing gender roles. I haven't made a study of it, or even looked closely at how nonmons I knew handled this, so all I've got is first-hand.It's a lot easier for women to find partners / dates / relationships
________________
I'm not particularly good-looking; never have been. Nor rich or hunky or any of that stuff. Actually, I'm (in my mind at least) kinda skinny, 5'10, nearsighted, noticeably scoliotic (though physically fit), & my head/neck are proportionally a bit large (measurements upon request ). So, my studliness was NOT a factor.
On the other hand, we never had to hide our life. My household never "came out of the closet" because we were never in; Annie & I clarified this before we got involved, long before we lived together. It became widely known in some Twin Cities subcultures, not least being Wicca, science-fiction fandom, Renaissance Faire, Naturist, & SCA. (Matter of fact, she was Army, her dogtags state WICCA, & she wasn't shy about telling people we were bi & poly.)
We were also a nude household. Winter or summer, we preferred to be naked, & at one time had a sign inside the front door:
Please remember to dress before leaving.
My housemates (2-3 women) tended to have degrees of FWB, often sporadic in interaction, rather than "partners." From what they told me, most guys who showed interest were carting around one or two intentions:
- wanting to get laid, & nonmon women are obviously "easy"
- nonmon women are just biding their time until Mister Right arrives
If there was a third snag, it's the guys who'd get involved with one of my housemates, then get the impression this was entree for sex with everyone, &/or thought they might simply move in with us.
We invited a few to spend a sort of "lockdown" weekend, participating in our day-to-day life. The high communication level proved daunting. As well, with our regular PDAs (nothing overtly sexual), guys were intimidated by the thought they'd get a public boner with all the attractive young women wandering past.
Meanwhile, my lovers were very happy with their lives so weren't shopping me as some sort of replacement for what they already had, whether solo or married or in their own network. They found the nudity liberating; exposure to the various body types seemed to quell their self-doubts about attractiveness. Annie wasn't shy about cupping a breast or patting a fanny in affection, & would complement a body feature she found admirable. When someone who was normally shy asked a housemate if it'd be rude to drag me off to the bedroom, that bluntness was welcomed.
I held myself to high standards, because I already had plenty of variety & opportunity in my life, & my partners generally were as demanding in their own right. Short-lived or one-time "mood" things weren't rare, but hardly common.
So overall, yeah, I suppose the women in my life had many more guys from whom to choose, but fewer who proved capable of making it past some rather low hurdles, where the women I attracted could more easily meet a higher standard.
________________
My impression is that most "poly" people are closed threes, or couples/individuals "looking," or open with autonomous outside relationships, so have probably never had opportunity to make up-close comparisons of how their various intimates actually handle things. Of the remaining minority, I'd really enjoy hearing their own experiences as to whether it really is any "easier" for women.