Couple-hunting in Unicornia

BlackUnicorn

New member
Inspired by the thread 'What's in it for a unicorn', I think I can't help but to offer a description of what's it like to go couple-hunting from the perspective of a self-confessed unicorn.

Ever since I read Ms. Deborah Anapol, I became convinced what I really needed was a couple. She made it clear that waiting for your one-and-only to start the perfect polysituation with might leave you waiting for the rest of your life. So all the single-ladies out there, create a profile on OkCupid and start looking for your one-and-only couple.

So what do you know? Within a few minutes of signing in, there you are, looking up the profile of the cutest girl ever, who's looking for someone to get to know both her and her boyfriend. And she's IMing you!

So as it is, we're definitely on the path to friendship, and have two dates planned in March. I'm enthusiastic, and try not to get my hopes too far up.
 
Coming out

So far, all the people I've talked to about my situation have responded with either 'Is this poly or are you just having some R&R?' or with 'Wow, so you really want to have the complications of a monogamous relationship multiplied?'.

The particular friend who came up with the latter comment shared some of her own pain of having once been the unwitting mono participant in a vee. She also wonders about another friend in a similar situation, whom she thinks really could do with someone who can give their full attention to him. We agreed that it's easy to pass judgment on what you think other people need, but you never can know just how any particular relationship or life-situation fits the needs of a particular person at a particular time.

So far it seems the only person who has a problem with me coming out as poly is me. Mental note to self: Never underestimate the awesomeness of people around you. Those who know you best love you for what and who you are, just like you do them.
 
Shopping

So what I'm really looking for? Trying to keep an open mind, sure, but secretly, of course I have an idea of what qualities my one and only couple would ideally have.

1) People who don't play cheap with their heart.

2) I'm primarily looking for a man-woman couple where at least the woman identifies as bi. Not that I would say 'no way' to any nice same-sex couples, either, but I find inside me a longing to have a partner of both genders.

3) Sexually compatible people. I find that compatibility is something you don't believe exists until you experience it. I wonder why sexual orientation is still described in terms of societally assigned gender identifications, instead of how people orient themselves in sexual encounters. I find that a much more apt and possibly fruitful description of my sexual orientation, instead of bisexual or even Kinsey 4, is lazy. Yep, I don't care if you're a girl, a guy or a pie, as long as you do all the work. My favorite position? Prone. Or as the okcupid test so frighteningly accurately put it, I'm a confident dominant who likes to receive.

4) I'm not looking for a primarily sexual connection either. I've nursed my heart after my last break-up a year ago back into a fighting mode again. I have love to give.

5) Jealousy isn't a problem. Unwillingness to deal with jealousy is.

6) The prime attraction dating a couple holds for me is seeing the love the two people I love have for each other. The stronger the primary couple, the stronger the triad?

7) People who like to talk. A LOT. About their feelings, relationships, ideas, hopes, fears, fantasies, themselves. And who enjoy listening to others talk about the same stuff.

Of course, part of the beauty of poly is that you can't alway get what you want, but just sometimes, you get what you really need.
 
Tattoo

Okay, so this doesn't have a direct bearing to polyamory, but relates to healing and becoming a whole person, so I'll share.

This morning I got my very first tattoo ever. It is located on my solar plexus and has the following text; 2. Cor. 12:9.

The Bible verse it refers to is, following the New International Translation, this one;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I have struggled with panic disorder, and I chose the solar plexus because that part of my body is where I first feel an attack coming. For all of you fellow polys, monos and intererested who have 'a thorn in your flesh', be you of whatever religious persuasion or none, I wish the most glorious day!
 
So yeah. I was a big girl today. I was brave.

I sent an e-mail. It wasn't long, but it was terrifying. The brunt of it; If your wife isn't okay with this, neither am I.

I want to meet my metamour before taking things any further than they have already gone. I want to talk to her. I'll bring conversation cards if I must. But I don't want to hurt another human being by continuing an emotional affair with their partner and not knowing whether they a) know b) are okay with it.

I was looking for couples, remember? Triads. This thing hit me in the head and caught me unawares. I didn't plan this. I want to date poly people, goddammit! I want to have threesomes! I'm pretty sure there will be too many limbs for my taste but I still want it! I don't want to be the person who has to ask them to tell their wife.

Yup, me, Miss 'Responsible Polyamory is My Middle-Name', and I'm scared shitless of my new metamour. She will probably read every single guilty thought I've ever had about their partner right on my face.

Why couldn't I stop things from escalating? I'm no idiot, I saw where this was going. Deep down I knew it wasn't just friendship.

Shit, I'm officially the Other Woman now.
 
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Similarly, near as I can tell, the road to & through poly is rarely smooth...there's lots of speed bumps, potholes and detours...
So yeah. I was a big girl today. I was brave.

I sent an e-mail. It wasn't long, but it was terrifying. The brunt of it; If your wife isn't okay with this, neither am I.

I want to meet my metamour before taking things any further than they have already gone. I want to talk to her. I'll bring conversation cards if I must. But I don't want to hurt another human being by continuing an emotional affair with their partner and not knowing whether they a) know b) are okay with it.
Good on you for putting your foot down and spelling it out. You are right to insist.
 
Why couldn't I stop things from escalating? I'm no idiot, I saw where this was going. Deep down I knew it wasn't just friendship.

Shit, I'm officially the Other Woman now.

I didn't even know you were seeing someone. Did I miss that somehow? I knew you are looking for a couple with whom to be in a triad, but I thought you were currently single. Is this a new thing?
 
Indie, so did I think I was single. I'm not sure what to call myself now.

The thing is, coming from a small-ish country, I try to keep details of my personal dating live to an absolute minimum in what comes to genders, home towns etc. on this forum, and try not to post about people I haven't asked beforehand if it's okay for them to appear in my rants.

However, this didn't start out as dating. We met entirely accidentally, hit it off, became friends and now it appears have graduated into the muddy waters of romantic friendship.

Situation update: wife knows. She is feeling very insecure. I don't blame her. Personally, I think NRE is like a bus-load of shit that hits you in the face unawares, transforming you from a perfectly nice and sane individual into something way darker. The last thing I want is to foist my bus-load onto someone else.

I see three options where it can go from here.
1) She tells me to get the hell away.
2) She says it's me or her.
3) She wants to talk, vents some of her anger, tells me I'm an absolute shit-head and then wants to go get a beer together.
(4) She is super-excited, wants a secondary of her very own and we all collapse into a happy poly bundle. This is the fantasy la-la-land option, but I wanted to put it here anyway to make me feel better.)

I'm letting my contact info out there so she can communicate if and when she wants, don't want to butt myself in.
 
Unicorn, your issues with the partner of the guy you are interested in is what make (potential) triads so scary to me.

I've had so many female platonic friends whose husbands were douches (more conservative than their wives, or less respectful, or arrogant, or bad communicators, etc etc). I've had a few male friends whose wives I could barely stand, or who just bored me.

So, in a potential romantic situation, I feel that there is a minefield there. Sure, the couple might get along great, and viewing their love might give you warm fuzzy feelings. But it seems so rare that you will love both of the couple equally and that they will both also care about and desire you more or less equally. Sounds like the proverbial needle in a haystack rarity to me. If that is what you feel you need, I wish you luck on what will possibly be a long hard quest.
 
Thanks for input, Magdlyn!

Just for the sake of clarity, what I have in my hands is a potential for a vee, not a triad. The couple I met online are separate individuals. One of the first advice I ever got on poly was not to get fixated on a particular relationship formation and let things happen naturally. I did expect having to date, get myself really into the poly circles, go over a few heart-aches and then maybe find a nice little triad or a vee situation for myself, with additional lovers and a steady primary.

What I did not expect is to get hit in the face with a couple transitioning (?) and with a metamour who probably hates my guts right now, having to ask her to find it in herself to share, and accepting that since I have made a royal mess of things, she has every right to refuse.
 
Yeah, I had that happen more than once to me too. I was/am looking for poly guys. A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.
 
I'm somewhat disappointed with myself for starting to slip from friend mode to a flirt mode with someone I knew full well wasn't in the life. Feeling slightly better to know all self-styled married polys might not be so poly after all, even if that is a bit of a hollow comfort.
 
A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.

Yup, that's why I want multiple real good talks with her before going further with this. People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.

Did I mention I really hate NRE?
 
What I did not expect is to get hit in the face with a couple transitioning (?)
Oops. Careful you don't get any in the eyes. :p

A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.
I hate that...makes it much harder for the rest of us to be trusted on dating sites and the like.

People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.
This makes me wonder for a moment who the real unicorns might be...the HBB's? Or is it actually just couple who is genuinely ready and able to form a triad with one?



Did I mention I really hate NRE?
You're not the only one...
 
Yup, that's why I want multiple real good talks with her before going further with this. People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.

Did I mention I really hate NRE?

Unicorn, coming from the perspective of the "wife" or "primary" I hope I can ease your anxiety a little bit. I know that in my own trainwreck situation if my husband's love had told me up front (or almost) that she didn't want things to progress any farther without me being onboard, that would have meant a LOT to me. Now my husband should have told me anyway, but we have our own situation that is different from yours.

NRE can really throw a wrench into just about any relationship, can't it? I am recognizing this big time.

Anyway, my point is really that you have done just what you should and I certainly hope for your sake that this ends with a big bed full of snuggly people. ;)
 
How to help my metamour?

Thank you, Lady, and I feel you might have already answered my question, but I will put it out there still.

My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

How do I keep from butting my big head in and micro-managing their relationship? I do love her, and hate to hear she is hurting. I would not take things back if I could, because this is something they would have had to deal with at some time - if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?
 
My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

How do I keep from butting my big head in and micro-managing their relationship? I do love her, and hate to hear she is hurting. I would not take things back if I could, because this is something they would have had to deal with at some time - if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?

I hear you. I don't have time to offer much more at present....but, yes..I think I understand the position you may be in. I've been there too..

Can you step back for a second and get some perspective ? I'm not sure of the intricacies that may already be present..

Wish I could write a bit more...perhaps later..
 
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