Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-10-2012, 08:32 PM
Villo Villo is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10
Default Temporary Freak Out

Hey everyone, I was hoping to get some advice. I am going away this weekend. My wife, Skyla, has made plans per usual to hang out with her "friend" who she is interested in pursuing, dating, etc. Last night was the first time she told me out right that she was planning on "hooking up" with him while I was gone. I've accepted her exploring this part of her and exploring polyamory in general, but I can't help it that it's been eating me up inside all day. My question I guess, what did you do to help with those feelings when your spouse was first planning on being with someone else? I expressed my feelings about it and she wants to know how she can help too. I told her that I wanted to plan a specific time while I was away that we could catch up. Not specifically about what they are doing, but just to connect. I want to be cool with it, but I teeter on the verge of anger, jealously, normalcy, and acceptance.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2012, 09:33 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Is this the first time she'll have sex with someone else since marrying you? Have you two already discussed your boundaries regarding sex with other people (at this point, anyway)?

It seems to me like she's springing this on you sort of at the last minute, which isn't fair to you, but then my husband and I seem to take things a lot slower than average when it comes to sex with other people. I started talking to MC weeks before, months even, about how sleeping with TGIB was something I really wanted to do and was planning on doing at some point, once MC was more used to the idea, though it meant altering our current guidelines.

For MC and I, it was also a bit of a unique situation in that we were both each other's first. As we talked about me sleeping with TGIB, I brought up that it was unusual for me to not have slept with anyone before him. If I had, did he think that would have changed whether or not he entered into a relationship with me? Once he admitted that it wasn't likely that he'd have skipped a relationship with me if I wasn't a virgin, me sleeping with someone else now seemed like less of a major thing.

So, not knowing your and Skyla's history, it might help to think about her sleeping with this person as comparable to her sleeping with someone before she got into a relationship with you. It isn't likely to affect your feelings for her or her feelings for you, she's still going to want to be with you, etc. It's just going to be part of her experiences, not necessarily this huge relationship-changing thing. There won't be the lies and betrayal that make cheating such a bad thing.

I'll see if I can get MC on here later, since it's really his perspective that would be more helpful, not mine.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2012, 10:15 PM
Villo Villo is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10

Well for us, we have boundaries on sexual intercourse. We are open to all other interactions. Since we are new to this we thought that would be a good rule. There have been other times that they have made out and fooled around that I know of. But this is the first time she's said it as a planned event. I think it just really took me by surprise that she is anticipating making that happen and I'm now dealing with some of those feelings around that. I know its not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things since shes looking at taking him on as a boyfriend. That's why I'm calling this a "temporary freak out".
Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2012, 10:21 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hi Villo,

ThatGirlInGray asked some really good questions.

I'm going through the exact same thing tonight, so I can relate! My GF is about to have sex, about 5 hours from now, with her first person since meeting me 16 months ago. In fact, as I write this, she's picking out her outfit. I can completely empathize with your anxiety.... but it will be ok. I promise!

I think we should get a bottle of vodka and share some stories?!

Seriously though...

One thing I do know is that things should ideally be as smooth as possible between you two before adding other people to the mix. Have you been exploring poly for a while? Are you mono with her, or do you want to date other people too?

As I said, my GF hasn't slept with anyone besides me yet. But she's been on a ton of dates and has 'done stuff' with quite a few of those people. So I'm quite used to dealing with that, if it helps to share how I deal with you. It's the same way I'm going to deal tonight.

Basically, distract yourself. Keep yourself busy if you can. Try not to play images over and over. My friend reminded me of something very important earlier that really helped with any anxiety masked as anger. She said "Don't hang onto anger. You can't be angry at her for doing what you both signed up for. She's promised you cake. Why are you expecting turkey?" Random... but my friend was totally right.

Often, the idea of it is worse that the eventuality. At least, that's what i've found with her kissing and 'doing stuff' with other people. After about 24 hours, or a night's sleep, everything goes back to normal and the sting goes away.

I personally never feel like a robot about my GF. I never feel nothing. Maybe some people don't get pangs or twinges.... it's not the case for me. But I want her to be free and happy.

My advice is to hang onto the love you have for her. Ride your feelings out. Poke your tongue out at anger, resentment, jealousy.... they are just your demons trying to mess with you. Don't let them.

If there's an underlying issue, like she has 'forced' you into poly, or that you feel you are treated badly, that's different and you will find it harder.

But if she's a good, supportive and loving partner and it's only the poly part... I promise you that you can get through your feelings by keeping busy, reminding yourself of love and calming your feelings, riding them out and sleeping on it.

Ultimately, you could see her sleeping with someone as a good thing. Put it this way... tomorrow, I'll wake up. My GF will have slept with someone who isn't me. I'll be alive. The Apocalypse won't have come. She'll still want to give me kisses and hugs. Everything will feel better. And then I'll know for sure if that I can handle her sleeping with other people. Hopefully it will be the same with you!

The same friend gave me another piece of advice today... (she is Buddhist, so she's like a fountain of wisdom )

Her Grandfather always told her "Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday - and what do you know? All is well!"

What doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger

p.s. Hurry up with that vodka....
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:49 AM.