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  #11  
Old 08-13-2018, 09:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by BelleRose
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Originally Posted by Galagirl
Yup. No point in dragging it out.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?
I'm honestly hoping it won't come to that. I was very clear, and while he has assured me that he has no interest in starting something with Lucy going forward, I told him that if he's going to start something with someone new I, A - Want a heads up before hand and, B - Do not want to watch it unfold in front of me.

I'm still quite convinced that he was acting out, maybe about me starting to date Jose? Maybe not. But I don't think it will be an issue going forward.
Hopefully it becomes a non-issue as you hope.

At the same time, you do not set personal boundaries for OTHER people to respect. You set them for YOU to honor and respect.

So if he DOES step on your toes again...
  • He doesn't give you a heads up that he wants to see someone new ahead of time
  • He does PDA/hitting on people/getting handsy in front of you again

...what is the consequence you plan to do? Think it out. You don't have to post it here. Just have to articulate to yourself so YOU know where the line in the sand is and if the situation arises YOU know what to do.

Like "hope for the best and plan for the worst" so you are ok either way. YKWIM?

Galagirl
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  #12  
Old 08-13-2018, 02:59 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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Not to be too critical... but I just want to point out that while, yes, his behavior was probably passive-aggressive and definitely out of line (not excusing that at all), that you were ALSO being passive-aggressive by walking out without even saying anything to him.

I mean, if he had done that to you.... would you be worried? Would you wonder if he was ok? Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.

So I think that you BOTH realistically have some work to do in changing your communication and learning how to be more direct. I absolutely understand not wanting to make a scene in that space, or in front of your friend. I'm not suggesting that you had to do any of that. But if your expectation ever includes "he should know why I'm upset!" then you're not communicating directly and you're being passive-aggressive. Just like him putting on some shitty display and acting out for who knows what reason, but probably because of the Jose situation, is also expecting you to "guess" what's wrong and is not ok behavior.

I know you said up front that you probably didn't handle it in the best way. So you're clearly self-aware in that respect. But I would just suggest that it might be worth examining if these indirect communication styles are common for you both if you look back at your history. Maybe that is a more overarching issue than just as it relates to dating/poly.
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  #13  
Old 08-13-2018, 11:10 PM
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BelleRose BelleRose is offline
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Originally Posted by breathemusic View Post
Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.
True. In hindsight that wasnít fair to him, and he was very upset that I left without saying anything. He also asked me how I would have felt if heíd left like that without telling me. Of course, that made me wonder how he would have felt had I draped myself all over an acquaintance of his who had disrespected our relationship in the past. But nevertheless, that wasnít fair.

This also answers GalaGirlís question: If anything like that happens again I will tell him that Iím leaving directly, and then proceed pretty much in the same way I did. I was very explicit the next day after Iíd cooled down and had time to think. I just needed to remove myself in the moment and that part I should have been more considerate about despite his behavior.

I typically communicate directly and explicitly with him (and everyone, really), and in writing if itís a particularly touchy situation because itís the best way for me to be clear. He isnít particularly passive aggressive (usually) but I have noticed that he tends to avoid confrontation if he can.

That being said, sometime this week Iím going to update him about my other partners and ask him how he feels. If there are any weird feelings itís probably better to get it on the table now before any other issues arise.
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  #14  
Old 08-19-2018, 06:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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True. In hindsight that wasn’t fair to him, and he was very upset that I left without saying anything. He also asked me how I would have felt if he’d left like that without telling me. Of course, that made me wonder how he would have felt had I draped myself all over an acquaintance of his who had disrespected our relationship in the past. But nevertheless, that wasn’t fair.
If there was an agreement about neither of you doing PDA with people in front of the other and he's draping himself all over Lucy in front of you?

You were provoked by HIS agreement breaking behavior. So you chose to leave the situation. That's not you doing mean things to him out of the blue. That is you taking care of YOU after he does provoking behavior. So no. I don't think it was crap behavior for you to remove yourself from that provoking situation without saying anything. Why would anyone stay in provoking situations when they don't have to?

You answered him on the phone when he called. What more consideration does he want? Esp when he wasn't being considerate of you and he's the one who put you in the weird situation in the first place?

When you are provoked, you don't have to say goodnight or do any JADE. Justify, argue, defend, or explain. You can simply go home to cool off in a safe space. That's not being passive aggressive to me. That's doing self care. Esp if you are mad, and wish to avoid exploding on him in public.

If he doesn't want to feel upset that you won't stick around when he does provoking, agreement breaking things? Well, he can stop behaving like that then.

That's fair. He is in charge of how he behaves. You are in charge of how you behave.

Quote:
This also answers GalaGirl’s question: If anything like that happens again I will tell him that I’m leaving directly, and then proceed pretty much in the same way I did.
Why wait for it to happen again before you tell him what he can expect? Just tell him now.

If he does PDA in front of you, he can expect you to just up and leave. Because you aren't gonna sit around watching it. And you aren't gonna be explaining that you need to go home to cool off and get away from provocations. You just GO.

Quote:
I was very explicit the next day after I’d cooled down and had time to think. I just needed to remove myself in the moment and that part I should have been more considerate about despite his behavior.
Even when provoked and hot headed...you expect yourself to be considerate of his feelings when he's not being considerate of yours? That's a tall order. Might not be a realistic expectation. I think just taking care of you is enough. You didn't do the provoking.

I also think it is ok to wait to communicate when everyone's cooled off first. It's not passive aggressive to not want to be doing "processing" right that very minute., esp with Lucy around.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2018 at 06:40 AM.
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  #15  
Old 08-24-2018, 10:05 PM
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BelleRose BelleRose is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You were provoked by HIS agreement breaking behavior.

You answered him on the phone when he called. What more consideration does he want? Esp when he wasn't being considerate of you and he's the one who put you in the weird situation in the first place?

When you are provoked, you don't have to say goodnight or do any JADE. Justify, argue, defend, or explain. You can simply go home to cool off in a safe space. That's not being passive aggressive to me.

Galagirl
I think this is all very fair.

::deep sigh::

I've always known - due to my delightful upbringing - that I struggle with people pleasing and setting/maintaining boundaries. That is what makes something like this so difficult for me. Even when I'm uncomfortable, even when I'm RIGHT to be, it's much easier for me to validate the emotions of others than my own.

At this point we have talked things through and I feel like we are in a good place moving forward. I'm not really thrilled as to how the talk finally came about. A week after the event and our initial conversation, when things were supposed to have been settled, I noticed that George was behaving oddly toward me. Nothing overt, mind you, but little things. Not being as warm. Not being as responsive when I started conversations. Then when I told him I'd noticed this shift in behavior and told him how it was making me feel, I noticed that he was very defensive and even a bit rude. When we talked about it in person he brought up my walk out again (which was supposed to have been behind us) by way of asking me why I don't communicate with him in the moment.

First, while I'm not thrilled that I had to pick up on an attitude shift and start a conversation about an issue he was having (as opposed to him just saying what he needed to say) I am very, VERY proud of myself for calling out the attitude shift. That's the thing about passive aggressive behavior! It is so easily deniable. It's so easy to make the other person feel crazy, and while George didn't do this, I've had this done to me in the past so I'm really glad that I got over that hurdle and called it like I saw it.

Anyway, I stated that if I am in a heated situation where emotions are running high, rather than being reactive and tackling it in the moment, I prefer to remove myself, give myself time to think, and approach a discussion with a clear head. That satisfied the, "Why did you just leave?" question and finally put it to rest, as well as setting the expectation for the future.

I also finally got to the bottom of the acting out. I expressed to George that he hadn't seemed as supportive of my other relationships as of late, barely responding to my updates in terms of who I'm seeing/not seeing anymore; not asking me how dates went, etc., to which he immediately replied, without skipping a beat, "But I thought you wanted parallel poly." And defensively so.

I got VERY upset at this (almost cried, honestly) because it became clear that the acting out was never about who I was dating. This was about having set boundaries with Gina (as discussed in a previous thread). I never (and I said all of this to George in the moment) said that I didn't want to hear about his other partner(s). I never communicated any personal issues with Gina (I don't have any) to him, nor did I ask him not to talk to me about their relationship. I care about and support his other relationships, and it felt extremely unfair that because I didn't want to be INVOLVED in a relationship with Gina (KTP) that suddenly he'd taken things to the extreme and in turn subjected me to behavior that wasn't supportive.

He admitted that in his very first poly relationship, though he considered himself "solo poly" at the time, he'd been dating two women who didn't like each other and eventually he'd had to compartmentalize the two relationships. Overtime resentments built up and it didn't work out. He apologized for having brought that baggage into the current situation and acknowledged that he'd been reacting the way he was because of old circumstances.

We've been in a much better place since that conversation.
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  #16  
Old 08-26-2018, 01:08 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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I think you were right to call George out. I'm glad to hear that things are working out in that area.
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