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  #11  
Old 08-12-2018, 11:49 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by lookinforanswers View Post
I feel like I screwed up our marriage by allowing this
That cucumber was already a pickle. I know that, looking back, it seems like that was a defining moment and that would have been the perfect time to pump the breaks if you had it to do all over again. However, the magic moment to keep this from happening occurred long before you two had this conversation about it.

If you had answered his question with a "No, dear husband, love oh love of my life, I cannot grant your request to bang your new girlfriend in the spirit of precious love", there would have been one of two results.
1. He would have banged her behind your back (complete with the "love" magic). This would have torn a rift in your marriage via the "betrayal" path.
2. He would have complied with your decision. This would have torn a rift in your marriage via the "resentment" path.
You are correct that there was a decision to be made at this moment, but it is the same decision you are trying to make now.

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Originally Posted by lookinforanswers View Post
Am I being unreasonable wishing that something breaks them up (not me).
It's wishing misery on someone else to spare you your own misery. That's pretty high octane selfish, yeah. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not, but it certainly isn't that "unconditional love" people are fond of flaunting.

Regardless, the more important point about this "wish" is that it would simply grant you the ability to get what you want without ever needing to examine your feelings or have a chance to actually grow.

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Originally Posted by lookinforanswers View Post
Should I just suck it up and deal with being sad all the time or should I just leave?
If these are your only options, I should think leaving would be a more appropriate answer. I don't know why these would be your only options though.

Have you considered investigating your feelings? Learning a new way to look at how "love" needs to be expressed or restricted? You are in a spot that, if you only use the tools you currently have, it is highly unlikely that you will get what you want (or any version of it).

I suggest taking a look at your view of what a relationship needs to be. Decide if that is what you really feel, or if it is just what you've always done. Once that is discovered, make your decision to stay or go.
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  #12  
Old 08-13-2018, 01:45 AM
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BelleRose BelleRose is offline
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I really do empathize with your situation.

I've been under the impression that with swinging, there is only one true relationship, and any and all other partners are casual. That certain things, like love, are reserved for the primary relationship alone. Given that this has changed in your relationship, especially after 18 years with that assurance that you and your husband belonged to each other, that you were his only love, I can absolutely understand feeling devastated by suddenly witnessing him loving someone new. Especially when, a year and a half in, they are probably still in a place of NRE and quite infatuated with each other.

I understand feeling like you have to either suck it up or leave, but like others here I don't think those are necessarily your only options.

What about hierarchal poly? Does your husband acknowledge you as his primary partner? If discussed, is this something that he might agree to? If so, the two of you can discuss ways to achieve this, maybe by putting boundaries and rules in place, to ensure that your needs are still being met in your own marriage. I'm not married myself and kind of have a thing against cohabitation (I like my space!) but I have a married friend who is poly. He and his wife have a no sleepover rule, so while his wife does have a boyfriend, she always comes home at the end of the night. Might that be a compromise that would alleviate some of the hurt you're feeling and keep you from feeling replaced?

It isn't as though you were pure monogamists before this new girlfriend. You were already swinging and sharing him to some extent. It might be that the extent to which you are sharing him now is just too much, but that's something that can be talked about and worked on going forward.

I wouldn't advise that you resign yourself to being miserable indefinitely, and I understand the hesitation to just up and leave a marriage of 18 years. But maybe investigate your feelings a bit more regarding the jealous, the sadness and the hurt. Personally, I find that whenever I've experienced a feeling of jealousy, upon closer inspection it was because I wasn't getting something that I needed from my partner. When my needs are being met and my boundaries aren't being crossed or tested, I'm a happy camper. Going into this blind it may not have occurred to you to even set boundaries in the first place, but if you really think your feelings through, you may find that you do have boundaries (maybe less extreme than "don't love anyone else but me") and that they are being crossed right now. Maybe making some relationship agreements going forward will make this experience better for you.

I'm curious to know what changed 8 months ago? Also, how often does your husband's girlfriend come to your home? Having a new lover in *your* space may be part of what is making you feel replaced? Does she have to come over? Can your relationships run a little more parallel as opposed to being so enmeshed?

Also, just because it seems like your husband may be poly doesn't mean that you need to become poly now. You can continue to swing on your side of the V, if you decide that's what you want to do. It makes sense to crave a new lover for yourself, a boyfriend, so as to be distracted from your husband's other relationship. But it would only be a distraction. I think the best thing to do is to figure out exactly what is hurting you, why is it hurting you, and see if there is a path forward with your husband. If not, cross that bridge when you come to it, but there really isn't any going back. Even if he was to leave her for you, that would not make the love between them disappear, or the possible resentment, and you would still know that he is capable of loving someone else.

I really do hope that there is a poly-friendly way forward that you are comfortable with, because I wouldn't want you to lose your partner. But only if you want to. You shouldn't feel that you're just gritting your teeth because you're stuck in a situation that's hurting you. You're never stuck. You do have options.
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