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Old 08-07-2018, 02:29 AM
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tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
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Default Feeling "abandoned" emotionally

I apologize if the title of this thread comes across in a dramatic way. I don't necessarily think I feel "abandoned," right now, but I do feel very emotionally fragile and have been having ups and downs peppered with insecurity about both my partners for at least the last month. When this happens I think "is this what I really want" about polyamory. I read all this posts where everyone seems happy, people have 2, 3 or more partners, and are living in bliss. Sometimes I feel like I'm in poly hell.

I have my husband of 8 plus years and my boyfriend of 1 year. Boyfriend considers himself to be "mono" for what it's worth, although he did casually date other women in the beginning of our relationship and has slept with someone else since we've been together. My husband has another serious relationship, his girlfriend. I have honestly never liked her, though I tried, REALLY hard, but have reached the end of my rope. Their dynamic (husband and gf) have continually pushed boundaries I didn't know I had until they were crossed. I get this is part of the deal. It has been so hard to cope with this. I bring up my concerns but it just doesn't seem to matter. I really don't think it's the fault of "poly," but moreso how they are together. She is like a black hole needing validation and reassurance and my husband continually gives it. In some ways she reminds me of how I used to be. I still have some of those tendencies, but I try so hard to check myself. I would be more compassionate if I didn't feel like their relationship had pulled him away. I have been trying to get a job out of state for a long time, I finally did, and he's not moving right away with me - he intends to move, but is staying behind for a bit, because of his job (or so he says) but also her. To top it off, he is well integrated into her family with her kids and husband. I know this sounds like a happy perfect fairytale, who wouldn't want their partner to meet their kids and be in their family. This hurts me more than anything. My partner and I can't have kids biologically because of his health issues. We had talked about adoption, but lately he's changed his mind about that. But now he's with her family, with her kids. It just makes me feel so left out and isolated.

Then I have my boyfriend.. who I love dearly, but that situation isn't without issues. He's mono. It's my own fault for getting this close to him, I know. I didn't think I would "change" him or anyone, but I guess I thought I could handle it or didn't realize how deep we'd go. Boyfriend is military and will be leaving soon... we don't know exactly when. Boyfriend is also super introverted. In the state that I am in right now, I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but I feel like I am encroaching on time he needs to himself. While he also wants to spend time with me, he acknowledges this and that he needs his alone time. It's hard because we swing on this pendulum from "let's spend all our free time together" and are on this upswing, to him suddenly seeming annoyed and needing space. And it's not like we have time to talk it out and figure out a better arrangement, because he could leave anytime.

Meanwhile, I got this out of state job and I could also leave anytime. I feel like there is so much uncertainty in my life. My husband isn't coming with me on this big move, my relationship is most likely ending - boyfriend doesn't want to do long distance, especially since in his mind, our relationship can only go so far. I would consider getting a divorce in the future potentially for him, I would, but i'm not going to do that now! I know my husband would understand and would not be mad at me. But I see no reason in doing that if boyfriend doesn't see a future with me, or can't give this a chance.

Sorry this is so negative and all over the place! I am feeling really down, husband has been babysitting his girlfriend's kids all night since her other kid is in the hospital (which is terrible), my boyfriend is in a weird mood and getting his space, and meanwhile I heard bad news about my current job and was very upset, but it's like no one has time for me. Husband is preoccupied with the kids and that emergency situation, and boyfriend minimizes my feelings because "you have another job lined up" I feel really alone. To re-iterate, trapped in poly hell!!!

I am sure it took many of you YEARS to figure this out and get to where you are all at. I am willing to keep trying but this year has been so hard. My husband dated a bit, but immediately found his girlfriend and has not really been hurt. I feel like my heart went through the ringer with so many guys, and now I'm about to lose this amazing relationship that meant so much to me, and have to move away alone

Again, sorry this was like a giant pity party!! I hope someone else out there can relate.
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Old 08-07-2018, 01:26 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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From what you wrote I don’t think you're being overly dramatic. To me you make a good case for being emotionally abandoned. Sorry you’re having to go through this.

In your situation you have so many different elements all of which have substantial impact to the dynamic it’s hard to know which one to work on to make your situation substantially better.

That said one thing that stands out in the thread is you need for emotional support from your husband or BF and he’s off pouring all that time and support into a black hole and because you’re moving and bf is about to be deployed he’s trying to ween himself off your connection to make the transition easier.

So is this something you can address with your husband.
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Old 08-07-2018, 09:40 PM
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Hi tealheron,

It sounds like you are getting shafted from two directions. Your husband because he is caught up with babysitting his girlfriend's kids, your boyfriend because he is caught up with having alone time, even while he is on the verge of being deployed. I am sympathetic toward you, you have a painful situation on your hands.

Is this something you can address with your husband?
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Old 08-08-2018, 03:52 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry. It sure sounds like a LOT of stuff going on. I can only imagine how out on a limb you might be feeling.

Quote:
I would consider getting a divorce in the future potentially for him, I would, but i'm not going to do that now! I know my husband would understand and would not be mad at me. But I see no reason in doing that if boyfriend doesn't see a future with me, or can't give this a chance.
Do you see a future with husband? If you and husband are drifting apart, I guess I don't see the point in staying married to him forever like "just going through the motions."

Have you talked to BF about it? It almost sounds chicken/egg there. Like neither one wants to be the one to go first.

Like if BF said he'd be there and commit to a deeper relationship with you first? Then you would start divorce process.

But he's not gonna do that, unless he sees you go first and start divorce process first. So he can knows there's actual potential there for more before he commits to anything more.

Maybe being single on your own with LDR military BF might be better for a time? Let this career move be a fresh start kinda thing?

Could you reduce the stressors? Having "good" would be great. But if you cannot have that, rather than 3 or 4 "sads" can it be reduced to 1 or 2 so there's less stuff dragging you down?

Could also do nothing right now. And see if more info comes to light or feelings change or what. It's not fun or easy when things are all "up in the air."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2018 at 04:18 AM.
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Old 08-08-2018, 06:00 PM
Arius Arius is offline
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I don't have energy for a more thorough reply, but if it helps you commiserate - I'm in Poly Hell too.

I feel like poly is basically just a shitty game where my partner of 7 years keeps leveling up - dating people who are more and more awesome and getting rid of the less awesome people - while our relationship takes on more and more damage and hurts until eventually she won't have space in her schedule for me anymore.
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Old 08-10-2018, 03:58 PM
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tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arius View Post
I don't have energy for a more thorough reply, but if it helps you commiserate - I'm in Poly Hell too.

I feel like poly is basically just a shitty game where my partner of 7 years keeps leveling up - dating people who are more and more awesome and getting rid of the less awesome people - while our relationship takes on more and more damage and hurts until eventually she won't have space in her schedule for me anymore.
Thanks for commiserating with me!!! It made me feel very validated. I have felt like that since opening up... husband found a serious person right away and stopped going on other dates. I struggled more before I found someone, but my relationship is/was different.
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm sorry. It sure sounds like a LOT of stuff going on. I can only imagine how out on a limb you might be feeling.



Do you see a future with husband? If you and husband are drifting apart, I guess I don't see the point in staying married to him forever like "just going through the motions."

Have you talked to BF about it? It almost sounds chicken/egg there. Like neither one wants to be the one to go first.

Like if BF said he'd be there and commit to a deeper relationship with you first? Then you would start divorce process.

But he's not gonna do that, unless he sees you go first and start divorce process first. So he can knows there's actual potential there for more before he commits to anything more.

Maybe being single on your own with LDR military BF might be better for a time? Let this career move be a fresh start kinda thing?

Could you reduce the stressors? Having "good" would be great. But if you cannot have that, rather than 3 or 4 "sads" can it be reduced to 1 or 2 so there's less stuff dragging you down?

Could also do nothing right now. And see if more info comes to light or feelings change or what. It's not fun or easy when things are all "up in the air."

Galagirl
Galagirl, thanks for this very articulate message and advice. It was super helpful, actually, especially the part about reducing the things that are "sads" so it doesn't seem like it's pouring. I like this idea.

Your suggestion about where BF is coming from is something I have thought about too. I would actually be open to that plan, if he was, but I don't think he is - at least not now. Historically, he has not done well in LDRs, and he has shared this. We also discussed me applying for jobs by him and moving close to him, but he only wants me to do what's best for me. He does not want me to move for him, because what if it didn't work out. He is pretty wise for his age and emotionally mature, and I have appreciated that he only wants what's best for me. I wish we could stay together and continue to have a romantic future, but I am not sure what will unfold. It sounds like this future may still be possible, but not at the present time.
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:06 PM
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Thanks to everyone for your replies, and sorry it took me a long time to return to respond.

I definitely agree I need to address issues with husband. There has been more "drama" lately on that front, both involving his other relationship, her family, as well as my transition issues on the topic of me moving. He hasn't had emotional energy for me after dealing with the others, and that just doesn't feel good. I want to talk to him and maybe even ask if he would be open to counseling. This idea cracks me up (I am a psychologist myself) and generally thought I'd never do couples counseling (i hate it and most of the time think it's crap) but would be willing to give it a shot, if he is. If nothing else, to get an objective source of information on board to maybe help us both have different perspectives. My perspective is he has changed, has wishy washy boundaries, and is hard on me about very specific things but does not apply those "rules" to his gf. His opinion is I just want him to take care of me, I want a "traditional" partnership even within being poly, and he doesn't want that anymore. I am not sure I agree with that, but this is what he would probably say.

I have to say, I am extremely lucky in that I have 3-4 close friends to confide it who support me 100% and always take my side, which I really need now and again. Neutrality and objectivity is great, but sometimes you just need to be validated and told "you're the good guy!" if you know what i mean.
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Historically, he has not done well in LDRs, and he has shared this. We also discussed me applying for jobs by him and moving close to him, but he only wants me to do what's best for me. He does not want me to move for him, because what if it didn't work out.
I resonate with this. I dislike LDR. Even though I've done them. Once an LDR BF wanted to change schools to be closer. I told him not to be changing universities "for the girl." If this was the correct move for his studies/career, alright. But if he was just doing it "for the girl" it was wrong because I could not guarantee anything.

I would tell you the same thing. If moving helps your job stuff AND gets you closer to military BF, great. But if you are pretzeling JUST to be closer to BF? Don't. He may be one of those "right ones, but not right time."

I don't believe in their being only one "right one" person. I believer there are many. Just that the "right one(s) don't always enter my life or cross paths at the right time. So close, but still no. Maybe this is one of those and you have to make peace with it.

I don't know what kind you have with BF.

Quote:
He hasn't had emotional energy for me after dealing with the others, and that just doesn't feel good.
Well, if husband's giving what is "left" rather than what is "right" then no. It will not feel good to be taken for granted and given leftover time/energy just because you are the established relationship and he so wants to secure/make inroads with the "new" relationship that he is mismanaging himself.

He could prioritize himself and his self care first. THEN gift your side of the V and her side of the V the right amount of his time and attention in correct balance.

I could be wrong but he sounds like he's running himself down in service to her and her family and the consequence is that he's worn out and then snappish to you at home because he's got nothing left. He's bone dry. When the one running around at such a pace is HIM. Poor time management/emotional management.

Quote:
My perspective is he has changed, has wishy washy boundaries, and is hard on me about very specific things but does not apply those "rules" to his gf.
It is possible he's hard on you while loosey goosey with GF. Being a solid hinge is a set of skills one must learn. He might not be a great hinge right now.

Quote:
His opinion is I just want him to take care of me, I want a "traditional" partnership even within being poly, and he doesn't want that anymore. I am not sure I agree with that, but this is what he would probably say.
Well... what WOULD you say? What DO you want? Are you able to articulate it?
  • I want my spouse to be a person who...
  • I want my spouse to do X behaviors...
  • I want my spoouse NOT to do Y behaviors...

What would you write?

Then measure him up against your spouse personal standard. Does he still qualify for the job of "spouse" to you? Or is he basically phoning it in? Will it change because this is temporary or is this the "new him" now?

Is it that he is finding his hinge balance weirdly? Like he's so loosey goosey with her, to feel balanced he comes down extra hard on you?

If this was apples, and he's supposed to get 4 from her and 4 from you, and he's being all slack with her and accepting 2, but then coming to your basket to pull 6? That's not fair.

HE might feel ok because he's still getting the 8 apples HE needs. But HOW he's getting them is wonky and it is dinging you. Does that make sense?

The reality is that if all she can give him is 2 right now, and all you can do 4, then he's gotta plant some of his own apples to make up the shortage. More rest, less running around attending to this extended family and their problems, running himself ragged etc.

Some people believe that once married, you are "sealed for life" and no further work happens. I'm more like "well, you got hired for the job. But you can still be fired."

My spouse gets that. So we take time and effort to nurture our connection and be there for each other in the "right" amount that THIS dynamic needs to feel good. It doesn't have to be the same as other marriages or relationships. But is has to be the "right amount" for US.

And there are stressy times when we can only give what is "left" -- like when parents were dying and children and home still needed care while doing this new "dead work" to get people put away nice... couple time got sacrificed. But we knew that was a temporary thing. Not a permanent thing.

I guess you have to figure out if this change is temporary or not. And if temporary, what can be done about it/restore balance?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-10-2018 at 04:54 PM.
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