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  #11  
Old 07-11-2018, 01:38 PM
Lonlygirl64 Lonlygirl64 is offline
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Galagrl, Actually, I do have access to their home (garage code and key) and he does mine. I also have fingerprint access to his phone. He has the same. While I don't have access to their bank account, I do know how much he makes, what his yearly bonus was, etc. There is a lot about our relationship that mirrors a "primary one".

Bunny 89, you are correct. It is up to T to set that boundary with G. It is not going to be easy for her as she is extremely threatened by me and our relationship. But as I told T last night, fear of "us" is rooted in something in her past and something she should work to discover the root of and face. My husband, A, sought counseling a few months back and it has helped a lot. I suggested G might consider that path.
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  #12  
Old 07-11-2018, 03:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I assume there are agreements for that house access. Not like you can show up unannounced at 3 AM, right? It's not unfettered.

If it IS unfettered access? Then I guess I wonder why you get upset over the phone access. Since you have unfettered access to a bunch of things on that side, maybe wife presumed she gets unfettered access to all the things in the other direction.

You guys might want to talk about personal boundaries in other areas -- not just the cel phone.

Galagirl
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  #13  
Old 07-11-2018, 03:37 PM
Lonlygirl64 Lonlygirl64 is offline
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No, I wouldn't show up at 3 am unless it's an emergency. Nor would I go into their home without them knowing. But we do just walk in when they know we are coming over or go in should they need us to feed the cats, check on something, etc. And while in their home, I would never go through their things or anything of the sort. Again, I'm a huge advocate of privacy.
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  #14  
Old 07-11-2018, 05:14 PM
Bunny89 Bunny89 is offline
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Is G completely on board with the amount of access you have to her relationship? Because honestly, I'd feel threatened in that situation too. It's not surprising G wants access to messages when you have access to T's phone as well. Do you know for a fact G is reading the messages? Maybe she just wants access as unrestricted as yours. I don't have access to my NP's phone, it's his phone. If someone else did...well, I'd never be messaging him again for a start.
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  #15  
Old 07-11-2018, 05:33 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
I would never be okay with a metamour having unfettered access to all my texts.

That being said, I also don’t have an expectation of “total privacy” — I expect that some of the things I say will be repeated to others unless I say specifically that what I need to say is private/confidential.

I don’t expect my partners to complain about me to my metamour, but I do expect some degree of them repeating what I have said if it helps them process something with someone else. And showing funny (not personal) text exchanges to a metamour would be fine too.

Example: One time I accidentally sent an explicit text message to Laptop that was intended for Ponytail. I immediately apologized/explained and Laptop and I had a good chuckle about it. Laptop was having breakfast with his wife at the time and so I kinda assumed that he told her about the mix-up. I have no idea if he did, but that would be the kind of thing I wouldn’t mind someone sharing with someone else.
I did say of that type. In other words, any intimate stuff. In your example I might chuckle and say MsE sent me a text she meant for her husband, but I wouldn't show the text or provide any details. But something like, "Vince and I went to such-and-such restaurant and he said the ribeye he ordered was really good" would be fine.

Mary and I talk about things meant only to be between us. She deletes her texts every night because her husband is nosy.
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  #16  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:00 PM
Lonlygirl64 Lonlygirl64 is offline
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Bunny89 -- I COULD have access to anything on his phone I want but while I can gain access, I think I have only picked it up and unlocked it once-- to look at the time or something minor like that. T was the one who requested access to my phone. It gives him this feeling of....being close to me. He then reciprocated but as I've said, I'm all about respecting privacy so I have never read a thing on it. And G knows all of this. I mean, I guess I could pick up his phone and read THEIR correspondence. I wonder how that would make G feel? But I don't think that's appropriate....

It's just so interesting to see the answers on here because in "swinger world" it is very common for couples to not only read each others messages with others but actually insist on 4-way communication at all times. I've had women tell me they are not "allowed" to text with my husband unless we are all 4 involved. I'm like, "Girl, I do not have time to be in on you sexting up my husband!"
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  #17  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:26 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonlygirl64 View Post

It's just so interesting to see the answers on here because in "swinger world" it is very common for couples to not only read each others messages with others but actually insist on 4-way communication at all times. I've had women tell me they are not "allowed" to text with my husband unless we are all 4 involved. I'm like, "Girl, I do not have time to be in on you sexting up my husband!"
I have lots of friends who are swingers. On the surface they seem super open-minded, but underneath they are a big bucket of insecurity. There is so much keeping tabs and tit for tat that it doesn't seem very enjoyable. They always tried to get my wife and I to join in but it was just too weird that one of us would have to have sex with someone just because the other wanted to bang their spouse.
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  #18  
Old 07-11-2018, 07:09 PM
Bunny89 Bunny89 is offline
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I get that you don't use it but you do have access. Do you know that G is actually reading your correspondence? Or could it be that if T does all that to be close to you, he also does that with her, and none of this is actually about G at all?
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  #19  
Old 07-11-2018, 07:51 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I did say of that type. In other words, any intimate stuff. In your example I might chuckle and say MsE sent me a text she meant for her husband, but I wouldn't show the text or provide any details. But something like, "Vince and I went to such-and-such restaurant and he said the ribeye he ordered was really good" would be fine.

Mary and I talk about things meant only to be between us. She deletes her texts every night because her husband is nosy.
Yes. I understood that you expect more privacy than I do. I was using that example to illustrate that, even for those of us who don't consider themselves "very private" or have expectations of total privacy, Gina's expectation (and apparently the expectation of most swingers? that is not a world I know anything about....) of being able to read all text messages would feel invasive.
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Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

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Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

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Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #20  
Old 07-12-2018, 02:44 AM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonlygirl64 View Post
But then T met me and we became deeply involved, developing nothing like a "swinging" relationship and definitely more of a poly one. Once this happened, I requested a certain level of privacy. . . .
G, however, still feels she needs to read everything we discuss. It has gotten to the point that we no longer flirt or sext and keep everything very "business like". I resent it but when I brought my objection up with T, he told me "this is the way we've always done things."

Am I wrong to feel so....violated?
You said you requested that it no longer happen, and that G still "feels the need" to still read the texts. So, your request wasn't agreed to, T continued to allow the access, and you dialled back to "business like." I don't think you've been violated. Your initial privacy request was not agreed to (unless I missed something in the narrative), so you are respecting a personal boundary that protects your privacy.

Quote:
Actually, I do have access to their home (garage code and key) and he does mine. I also have fingerprint access to his phone. He has the same. . . .
There is a lot about our relationship that mirrors a "primary one".
So, you consider it normal for a "primary" relationship to include access to each other's phones, but you expect that access not to be used for reading private text conversations? In a situation where reading text conversations has been a normal part of their dynamic? And you describe G as "extremely threatened by me and our relationship"?

With all this context, it sounds to me like you're asking a lot of G, and really setting her up to fail. Will you ever really trust her not to use her access to his phone to read the conversations? Would you expect T to revoke her access to his phone, when that, to him, is a special sign of closeness, and you and T have access to each other's phones?

If T and you share reciprocal phone access, and T and G share reciprocal phone access, I think you're best off just keeping your texts businesslike as you've done, and getting over the resentment.

If sexting privately is more important to you than sharing phone access, then make the gesture of revoking each other's unfettered access, before T revokes G's. Otherwise you're asking for a higher level of access than his wife has.

If you must have both access and privacy and want to see how far you can push the wife who already has a problem with you and your relationship with her husband ... well, play that game. But I don't think it'll make anyone happy in the end.
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