Love, Family, Friendship

And the world crashes down

F broke up with me.

Maybe the more I say it the less it will hurt.

He told me he couldnt feel indifferent to our relationship anymore, that he still loves me and cares for me and will tell me no when I need to hear it.

Then he held me, told me is was sorry for hurting me, and let me fall asleep in his arms.

I've cried so much I should be out of tears but typing this brings them back again.

I dont know how to handle this. He wants to be friends and he says hes not going to move out. Not that I thought he would move out.
 
Cant we just start over or go from here

F and I hung out all day Monday and we both had a good time. We also spent time together last night and had a good time, and somehow T being over here tonight isn't bothering me as much as I thought it would.

I want so bad to just look at him and say "can we have this exact relationship, with sex, kissing, and sleeping together" I wish it were that easy.

If our friendship came back that quickly, I think that we owe it to ourselves to try again, but that is just my way of looking at things and I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, afraid he will consider it being pushy, which is his major complaint about me. Its hard but I know I have to wait, I have to give him time.

Although I am being very affectionate toward him, and I will until he tells me to stop but he is allowing and reciprocating my hugs and cheek kisses and such. He doesn't initiate them, but he does reciprocate.

I'm also being girlfriend-ish and making sure he gets up for work and still making him dinner and doing his laundry and such. I want a relationship with him to be natural and flow from what we have right now, a good friendship.

I did the same sort of stuff with R when he lived with me, and I have taken the attitude at this moment that if I can do it with R, I can do it with F until he says otherwise.

I'm also respecting his request that I not sleep with a particular guy, at least for now.(Not that it matters, John wont let me either, but I'm not hanging out with him because of F) I think that doing so would ruin any chance I have at us getting back together and until that door is closed, I'm going to respect his wishes. Not like that guy is going anywhere, its been over a year since we really talked and he is still wanting to be with me.

Its weird to hurt and have fun at the same time. I don't really know what to think about that.
 
So sorry for you :( this really sucks. I hope you are able to manage the next days, sending you a ((( big girl bear hug )))
 
Move up and move on

So I decided on a few things.

I'm moving on, I still love F very much but I know that there will not be anything there anymore. I'm ok with it. Maybe no one expected me to be, but I am. I've noticed things, looking from the outside in, and it makes me kinda sad, but it also makes me realize the truth about things too.

I learned so people involved read my blog... so HI! I'm no more raw here than I am in real life, so honestly, this should be nothing new.

R and I started talking about having a relationship again, I think that is going nowhere. As much as i'd like it to. He has a lot on his plate right now though, so I think we will likely just stay friends, maybe FWB for a little while, until it becomes to much for one of us. I love him so much, and its amazing how much that love grows and develops over time. The thing is I know he feels the same way, we talked about it last night. We don't really do heart to heart conversations, so when we have one its something to be noted.

Since I feel that nothing will happen with R, it's time to move on and look elsewhere. I'm doing a good job at that so far, talking to a few new people. No one worth mentioning by name yet. Of course, if R decides that he does want to try yet again, then moving to someone new will take a back burner to that.
 
Maybe

I've been talking to a guy the last few days and we have a lot in common.
Now if R would just be strait with me about us having a relationship, I could decide where to take this new guy.

New guy is coming over tonight, we might go out, we might stay in.
 
I've been talking to a guy the last few days and we have a lot in common.
Now if R would just be strait with me about us having a relationship, I could decide where to take this new guy.

New guy is coming over tonight, we might go out, we might stay in.

Make your own decision. No need to let someone else dictate how you live your life.
 
Been seeing a few guys, no one that jumps out at me, every one has the positives and negatives everyone does.

I'm keeping my options open.

R and I talked again last night, as much as I know I will leave that door open, I can't and won't let it dictate me making a decision about any of the guys I have been talking to.

The crazy thing is two of the guys I'm talking to are already buying / talking about buying me stuff. Now, not saying I dont have a price, everyone can be bought, but it kinda creeps me out and I'm not sure if I want to keep talking to them because of it. Do I look like I can be bought? Do they think if they throw enough money at me I'll leave John? Or are they just desperate to love, and think love can be bought.
Now I like being spoiled as much as the next girl but that should come after the relationship is at least partially established. I spent money on F, he spent money on me, but it was after the relationship was established, in the beginning we split just about everything.

Ive been talking to a couple looking for a unicorn. I'm interested. Very interested. I have seen, or dreamed, what it can be like. I would love to have that in my life.
 
Catching up

its been awhile since i've updated, I know. I'm sorry.

I dated a few guys. One really good that ended up not being emotionally ready for a relationship.

John had a girlfriend, but they split up. I actually had her living with me for a short time.

I still dream about F. Him and T broke up recently, maybe that is why.

I'm in TX right now, and both my kids are in GA. My daughter's father wont let me bring her out here longer than a week, and we just can't afford to do that right now. My son is coming home in July, I let him spend the summer with his grandparents.

I have seen a few guys Im interested in, but I have to stay away from them - they are all military, and that is against our rules.

I have been talking to this girl though and that seems promising, If we can ever get together and actually meet.
 
Moving on

So I moved out to Texas to be with John.

I've started dating again, a guy we will dub D. He is really amazing and fun to be around.
 
We Are Pregnant!

We are having another baby!

Both of us are excited, but D is apprehensive, he's out of town for a month, so he has plenty of time to think about if he wants to date a pregnant woman.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, but I hope he can deal with me being pregnant.

In other news...

John has a date tonight!
 
Congratulations! Good news :)

Understandable that D may have reservations about this, that is a huge step. Hope everyone is able to enter this new situation with a throughout comfortable attitude in the end.
 
D decided he'd rather not, I understand, and I'm not to upset about it.

In other news R has been seeing another girl for about a year and she says she's pregnant. Although she could be, the odds are stacked against her. She has Ovid, which makes it hard to get pregnant, and she just happened to find out the day she had set as an ultimatum for him to choose her or his girlfriend. I won't believe it until she shows, but I have a feeling she us lying and will have a miscarriage before that, actually, before her first appointment, since R is suppose to go with her. If she is actually pregnant is a nitrile that everything lined up how and when it did


As his best friend, I'm being supportive, but add his former lover, I'm hurt by the whole thing
 
Ah, so my future is crushed

I've always held out hope that R and I would be together in the long run, but he has a new baby boy on the way, so it seems that will never happen. I'm working on that with my therapist.

In other news, we are also having a boy!

And in other other news... Jen has a new boyfriend. Who has no issue with my being pregnant what so ever. We met before I was preggers and things have developed slowly. John likes him, and they seem to get along. We will dub him V.

V takes me nice places and buys me things, which I love, and he's also there for me and shows concern and empathy. I'm not in love, but I can see it going there. Hes very lovable.
 
Just had a wonderful evening with V. I work until 1 am, but I got off early so he could come over. John is at work, so we had the house to ourselves, though I'm a little hypo-manic, so I was running around the house doing chores, he'd stop me for kisses - which I LOVE.

His kisses make me melt. I know its NRE, but its so nice. I'm not a big kisser either. I love the way he rubs my belly and loves the fact that I am pregnant. He sees me as beautiful.

I want to talk to John about us coming out of the poly closet to a few people bc lot of our friends know V and I feel that the fact that we are dating will come out eventually. Someone will see us somewhere in all our googy eyed new relationship glory. And when we do eventually hang with those friends that know us both I dont want to have to hide our relationship.

V and I are going to spend all day Friday together. We try to have a day a week. John will be sleeping/ at work most of the day, so its a good time. John and I will have all thursday together. I'm off thursdays and fridays.
 
Just processing

I'm a jumble of emotions right now and I need to put it down where I can look at it later and sort it out.

I have no idea where to start.

I'm mourning the loss of a possible future with R. I guess I always knew it was a long shot, but now that I know it will never happen, I'm sad about it.
I'm hoping that time will heal those wounds and allow us to be continue to be close friends, but part of me thinks or maybe knows things will never be the same again.

I think I'm falling for V, but Im scared. I dont want to be burned like I was with F and T. I allowed myself to love them too early and it came back to bite me. John pointed out that V and I have actually gone slowly, and the first month of our official relationship was only txt and phone calls because I was back home visiting. You get to know a person well when there is no physical to get in the way, he pointed out. I think he's right, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject of how I feel to V. John thinks I should be blunt, which is how I got V to begin with, but I know that it really caught him off guard and I'm not sure how he felt about it. I knew he wanted to be with me though, so it was easier. I guess I'm afraid that he's not to the same point I am. Not that I expect or even want him to be, just I'm afraid that I'll scare him away. I dont want him to feel like I'm putting him on the spot and I'm not sure how to address that with him.
- another thing for the main boards I think.
 
and V opens up, a little

I wrote V, to tell him how I feel without that magical L word.

He wrote back, and it was so sweet I cried. He admitted to being mistrusting and having a hard emotional shell and that he wanted to open up to me and love me.

He asked that I not keep my feelings from him, so between now and Friday, I will figure out how to tell him exactly how I feel without pushing him or pressuring him.
 
Moving right along

V and I had a real discussion about where our relationship is going and the level we want it to be in the future... and we both agreed that the kids are the only thing holding us back. That came out a little wrong... Respect for the children's feelings mean we arent going to jump into a super serious thing, but let it progress and the kids decide how much they are involved in this. His kids are all old enough to understand "dad has a girlfriend who is pregnant by another man whom she is married to" and they have all met me. Its his youngest we are most concerned with. She seems to like me, so I've invited HER over to play rock band, a video game we both enjoy, when shes ready.

My kids are younger than her, but she's not a teen yet, so its an awkward age for me to deal with. Maybe I'll go to the main boards for some insight.

In other news, V said he loves me! I'm happy about it but I'm not ready to say it back, not after my relationship with F and T and how I said it too fast and got seriously burned, but at the same time I know I'm in a place emotionally that if things were to end with V I'd be hurt by it. Its been two months officially together, and I know I have feelings for him, I'm just not sure if I love him and I'm too afraid to admit it to myself or if I'm not quite there yet.
 
Va nd I had a talk about ultimate goals for our relationship and we are on agreeable footing. He never wants to be more than a secondary to me, so that leaves me free to look for the primary I want, without hindering or interfering with our relationship.
I love that we can talk so openly and honestly about this kind of thing with each other.

I'm not eagerly pursuing looking for the primary I want, but I'm not closing myself off to possibilities either.
 
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