So far, so good!

Mya - I love how we're on really similar vibes at the moment! Yup, this poly deal is quite wonderful when it works ;)

Date with Plinth on Thursday was decadent, carnal, confessional. Two soft puzzle pieces nuzzling, amazed that each permutation of hands and mouths and limbs and thoughts fit so snugly. We dragged his king single mattress onto the ground because the bed frame was squeaky. Shut the windows, turned the music up a little, hoped we weren't disturbing the flatmates in the courtyard. We managed to sleep eventually, more out of prudence than exhaustion, our bodies slick with fuck, sweat, saliva and each other's fantasies. Pleasantly full.

I made it to the pool the next morning, just. In time for a quickie (a 15 min swim as opposed to an hour) but it still felt good. It was a token gesture towards continuing those good disciplines I need and want in my life. This new relationship is luscious, and I desire far more than I can have. I don't want to clamber wildly, to forget my scaffolding.

On Saturday, Grotto, Ocean and I went to a houseparty of one of Ocean (and Menrva)'s colleagues. Bert & Menrva were there too. Menrva still doesn't want to be out to her co-workers, which is quite up to her, however previously this has made Ocean ask me to be secretive as well. The thinking being: if people know he and I are poly, then they may suspect Menrva is poly too (given how much time Ocean spends with her).

I told him I wasn't sure I could be bothered doing that anymore. I enjoy being out too much, and I'm not convinced this deception is necessary. It feels odd to invite Grotto someplace where we have to hide our connection, for no good reason. Basically, Menrva's reasons aren't good enough for me. Selfish? Maybe. Though I don't think she minded. It was more Ocean wanting to be cautious on her behalf.

Finally had The Conversation with Bert. A simple "so how's this going for you?" We didn't talk for long, but I was really happy to be upfront, and I feel far more connected to him as a person now. I'm not great with moderation, and having this artificial boundary of not talking about poly (especially as it was the main reason we were connecting in the first place!) hadn't helped me to feel expansive and open with him. In a funny moment, I felt this rush of tenderness towards him and nearly kissed him! Whoops. I have never been attracted to Bert (and still am not) but I do care for him, and he's been struggling with a few things, so my instincts gushed a bit there. Luckily I checked the impulse, hard. That could have been messy, oh so complicated.

A lazy Sunday, both Ocean and Grotto hung over. I'm perky, restless. Go for a long swim, come back and they're still in bed! We have leftover pizza and coffee for breakfast. Ocean's not in the mood for fooling around in a threesome, but he's suprisingly cheeky. Spanks me. Asks me to fuck Grotto so he can keep reading his book. (Not as a kinky thing, more "you're randy, love, why don't you go bother your other husband for a while and leave me in peace.")

We have a small, resonant apartment with minimal privacy. I'm impressed that we're so comfortable that it's okay to hang out together, even if we're on very different vibes. Respectful negotiation, in good will and good humour. Well. We've clearly come quite far as a triad. And yet, there's more moutain for the trekking and my boots are keen. Epic love :)

Sunday afternoon, I catch up with some of Grotto's friends to play cards. Plinth is in the vicinity, so I ask him if he wants to drop in for a bit. Note to self: we can't do brief catch-ups at the moment. When I see him, my entire consciousness pours down a funnel of joy, curiosity, lust. I'm captivated by the smell and taste of him, I get lost in his bushfire beard. Gah, I'm smitten.

It's hard to be circumspect, but I need to be. I want to steal time with Plinth but 30 mins becomes three hours as soon as I hold his hand, as soon as his tongue touches mine. Short bursts are possible if we've got fixed commitments pending with other people, but don't work so well if we just have miscellaneous personal tasks to get on to. I must be smart, strategic. Plan proper dates with him, that I actually have time for, and not graze in-between.

So yesterday, although I had a window after finishing work and meeting Ocean, where I could have seen Plinth (who was heading to my area) I left it. It was hard to do! But for the best.

Invited him for dinner at ours tonight. Grotto, Menrva and Bert are coming, Ocean and I are cooking. The whole fucking family :D If this is polysaturation, I hope we can at least drip any excess into a bucket and use it for watering the plants or something.

Updates on a couple of people not yet mentioned:

- Bijou: She and Grotto have been fluctuating a bit. Close flirty friends, she's not sure what she wants. She seems to like him too much to be able to sustain a casual thing, esp as he feels pretty deeply for her. At the moment, she doesn't want anything serious. It's been hard to find the right balance. Grotto's sometimes pretty cut up about things, but he's mellowed out recently. Occasionally there is conflict, blood on the balcony.

I haven't seen too much of her, but I probably should touch base, as a comradely thing. Especially before I head away. I don't want to leave any festering fears... Her presence swallows me up a little. She's very sensuous, and she relishes the hunt. I'm not into games or drama so my instincts have been to keep my distance.

- Ella: Wrote me a sweet letter. I'm almost finished one to post back. My letter writing has choked recently, incessant life detours. I need to re-establish my path.

But, yeah. She's good to me, good for me. We're doing alright.

Now. Apologies to folks who are following this, but I need to make one final name change. I chose the gloss "Ella" before someone with a very similar name came into my life, and the resemblance has been really confusing me. Definitely makes more sense to pick psuedonyms that aren't commonly used as a name themselves :) So from now on, Ella = Djuna. Thank you for your patience; I'll adjust the necessary paperwork eventually.
 
Djuna, what's not to love

The first time I met her was at a poetry event. She's the kind of girl that says "hey", keeps her hands in her pockets, stands with one side of her body slightly lower than the other. She wears shoes that were designed to scuff sidewalks.

Grotto had invited her. A friend he hadn't seen for a while, one he had always liked, was obviously crushing on a tiny bit. Just this much <-->

Leaning into one small round bar table, pints dripping condensation into coasters, we were happy to have exchanged names. I don't remember talking to her.

I remember her poem, written hastily on a scrap of paper like all good poems. It was about meeting new people, and not really talking to them, but feeling their love anyway. A poem for us, the people she'd just met. Smooth :)

As often happens with poetry, you see the insides of someone. Her poem was simple, direct. The way I've come to realise she talks, once you get things going.

Eventually, Grotto asked her to his place for dinner. They ate, fucked, and pretty soon were boyfriend and girlfriend. In many ways they matched each other much more than Grotto and I match. Size, shape, colour, accents, sense of humour, world view. I was never jealous about these things.

Their relationship developed mostly when I was overseas, when Grotto & I were long distance. In the couple of visits home, Djuna, Grotto and I had some mind-melting threesomes. I got to know her better as a person. I asked her to be my girlfriend, something we both knew was a token gesture of a broad intention to see where things went, between the two of us (separate to Grotto and her connection).

After six months or so, Grotto broke up with her. It wasn't dramatic, but it was sad. They always stayed good friends, and now they are comfortable with being friends who fuck occasionally.

As for us, we write letters, e-mails, Skype. Long-distance for the foreseeable future. I'm not holding back, at least not consciously, but I know I'd hate to miss her. I don't miss her now. We've established a comfortable 'long-distance' shape, perhaps because we've always been long-distance.

The love I have for her is not a falling, or an explosion, but a slow-paced daisy chain pieced together over many lazy afternoons. We're still going. It is good.

(prev referred to in this blog as Ella)
 
I didn't sleep last night, because I was having sex. With Plinth. And Grotto. Separately. And together. And separately again. Both the boys got sleep, but I didn't. I couldn't. A semi-accident meant Grotto, Plinth and I were at Grotto's place last night, just the three of us. Christ, I could barely cope, in the best way possible. So many hot moments, Plinth slipping his fingers into Grotto's mouth (Plinth said it was "silken"), me in the middle with the other two mirroring their hands and mouths, etc, etc, etc, etc

In the morning, I came home to Ocean in time for a shower, change and breakfast. He was too cute in bed, and Grotto had also planted the seed of mischief in my mind... "You should go home and fuck Ocean". So, we stole enough time for a luscious quickie.

Work today, 9-6, was sluggish. Happy but drained. Cute moments chatting with Ocean & Grotto:

Ocean: last week it was 3 boys on 3 consecutive nights
this week it's 3 boys within 24 hours
me: (4)
(hours)
Ocean: yikes

and

Grotto: you're so beautiful
when you got back into bed all sleepy and freshly fucked it struck me hard
i love you fuchka
you bring a huge amount of joy to me
 
rory - thanks :) It's fun writing too.

Well, Grotto's been powering away at a personal project of his, making massive headway. He's happy, focused, proud of himself. Made me realise that I haven't been doing too well on my own projects. It's not all bad, but it hasn't been great. And, I felt slightly jealous!

I've always found it hard delimiting time for my own stuff. Somehow everything else gets priority, and once I finally clear the pile of laundry, I find my projects were stifled at the bottom of it all.

The only thing to do, of course, is get better at making space for myself and my own projects. Use Grotto's success to inspire me to do better. I need to give myself more time, quality time, to squirrel away at things. Remind myself that I want, need this.

I've thought a bit about how creative and sexual energy influence each other. One of my friends feels like she has to pick one over the other; in her experience, she doesn't make as much art if she's also having good sex. I don't know how it is with me, but I noticed that I had just made room in my schedule for me to finish a project (pretty much cleared the table of personal commitments for the next few weeks) when Plinth and I hooked up.

I haven't dropped the ball on tasks I owed other people, but I have been slack with my self-imposed deadlines. Have also been sleeping less. (Well, it's been stinking hot, so sleep hasn't come easy anyway.)

Today have a date with Plinth after dance again. I want to do a solid chunk of work beforehand, so I feel like I deserve the break.

Ended up hanging with one of Grotto's colleagues over the weekend, unplanned. Went back to his place, played chess, got high, cooked dinner. He's a guy I've hung out with a wee bit, but always in groups. I didn't think it through properly... what his expectations were, what I wanted. It was like an accidental date. He asked me to stay over. I decided to sleep on the couch. His apartment is a couple of buildings over from where Grotto lives.

Grotto and I had been texting a wee bit through the night. I said I had no idea what was going on, and asked if he was ok. Grotto said he was just bemused, and wished me good luck. Around 2am I got a call from Grotto, he wasn't doing too well, wanted to see me. So I went round (his colleague woke up and walked me over, actually, which was sweet)...

Turns out Grotto had been feeling progressively less comfortable about the thought of me getting together with one of his friends/work colleagues. Understandably. I had considered the workplace dynamics of things when I'd decided not to go there. We didn't have any clear rules about it, but we've got a rule now. No friends or workmates.

I could probably use a few restrictions ;)
 
Wow, I've been PMSing hard recently. Last few times have been serious freefalls, gritted teeth, white knuckles. Makes me wanna dwell in the shadows - so I thought this is a good opportunity to be clear in this blog about some things that are challenges at the moment.

Ocean, still can be very depressed some days, which I often experience as a trigger for myself feeling guilt, useless. God, depression can be so relentless. His meds only help so much. He smokes weed (a small to moderate amount) to relieve his mood... but he's been addicted in the past and doesn't always find it easy to regulate. He's really antisocial when he smokes. Wants to be by himself. I don't usually enjoy being around him when he's high.

Things are frequently rough with him and Menrva. Their relationship, on top of his own work, can tire him out so that he's left craving for time and space for himself. I can feel it, and I want him to get what he needs... but I also need time with him. I don't want to add my demands on him to all his existing demands, but I don't want to minimise my own needs, to be the wheel that doesn't squeak until fuck! It's jammed up.

I feel like I need a lot of self-awareness to navigate these relationships. To know when I need to speak up, and do it. The first part can often be the hardest.

While I'm on the difficult aspects of my relationship with Ocean: sex. Is still infrequent to non-existent. Things are much, much better than they were before he got on his most recent meds, but more often than not any moves I make in that direction are rebuffed. Yes. The few times we've fucked recently have been delicious. Caramel heating on a stove. Warm, nourishing, close. In fact, one body.

But. We aren't dessert people, and yet we're still ordering dessert more often than we have sex. Come on, dude :)

I'm not known for my patience. Luckily, there's nothing lacking in love or intimacy between Ocean & I, or desire to be with each other. So, sex relegated to being a side salad to a side salad? A small thing. I'm used to it. But, like a dripping tap, I'd prefer if it wasn't there.

Hmm. Things are good though, overall. I have bold, wondrous people in my life, who care about me bucketloads. I'm beyond sated, in the best way possible.
 
Grit

A quiet night at home. I needed it. Had a date scheduled with Plinth (hah, as soon as I typed his name, he rang me) but I bowed out of it, which he accepted graciously.

Feeling okay. Ish. I'm really jealous of Menrva at the moment. I'm jealous that Ocean makes so much time to spend with her, like, recently they've both been working from home (her home) quite often. The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses. Then she rang, and asked him what he was up to, whether he was home alone. He said "no". Then she suggested he come round to her place, and that they go to uni together from there. Obviously to spend some time alone with him first. He said yes, and left soon afterwards.

Fuuuck dude.

This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.

Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.

In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.

I keep questioning myself - what am I doing to make this worse? I don't really put myself out there so much, to him. I expect to be rejected. I am angry with him for being so passive about sex. I'm angry that he doesn't prioritise this issue.

He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?

Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.

Making things better on this front is not easy. We don't really know how to fix us. When we confront this situation, he often states the fact that we've got into the habit of not being sexual with each other. That it's hard to break the cycle. This is true. But to me it doesn't mean we can't challenge this. It's the situation. Neither of us want it. I don't think it will go away by itself. He thinks relationships have cycles: we're in a slump for now, but probably things will be better in the future. I'm scared that if we don't make an effort, it'll get harder and harder to change our patterns of behaviour. He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.

Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.

I'm painting a bleak picture. I'm sad today. I fucked up a date with Ocean yesterday. We went out for drinks and nibbles after a talk, and I drank too much (I'm a sucker for free booze). We were planning to go home together, and then midway I'm not sure what happened, but he ended up wanting to join Menrva, Bert and some others at a pub. I was in no state to spend time in group company. We parted ways, and then - heading home by myself - I felt upset that he'd chosen to spend time with Menrva (who he sees every. fucking. day. All day. At work. Frequently after/before work too) to spending time with (admittedly atrociously drunk) me.

Earlier in the evening, I had spoken with Ocean directly. That I was feeling jealous of Menrva, jealous that he had an easier sexual relationship with her than with me. He said, this was true, and put it down to the usual stuff (our bad habits etc). Said it would inevitably be easier with someone new, without that same baggage (ouch). I said I knew all that, but it hurt. He said thank you for sharing, said some reassuring things. Ah, man, I'm just bleargh at the moment. I don't know what to do.

Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.

Yikes, in a dark space right now.

I just don't know how to unpack this with Ocean, anymore.

Everything else in our relationship is so good. Perhaps I need to work on being at peace about this. Especially since, when I'm honest with myself, I'm actually okay with not being sexual with him right now (go figure?!). I don't feel powerfully drawn to him that way. It's more like, I miss it, miss the memory, miss how easy it was, and I'm afraid if I accept the status quo, we'll be less likely to have that kind of intimacy again. I feel like we've allowed our sexual energy to be so starved that we simply don't feel it anymore. I want it back. I'm willing to try to make fire with sticks. He isn't.

Ocean's approach is patience, hope. I know. But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.

He's at Menrva's at the moment, a dinner and movie date with her and Bert. I'm appreciating being home alone.

I wonder if we should agree to be non-sexual for now. It could relieve the pressure of constantly revisiting this. Or maybe we should get some counselling. Or maybe I should learn how to tie myself up effectively so he has to help me out. Quarter joking.

Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.

Dark moods.

Ah.

Grotto's been especially beautiful in bed recently. The gentlest touch. A worshipful mouth. I love him so much. And I love the deep roots of my relationship with Ocean that makes these other relationships possible, lets them flourish.

Maybe we're doing okay.

This weekend, Ocean and I are heading away for a few days, to the city I'm moving to soon. There's a family event, plus I have a meeting with the person I'm replacing at my new work. Travelling together has always been healing for us. I'm looking forward to it.
 
I'm bitter, tetchy, closed, volatile. Just made a lemon into lemonade to remind myself I don't want to feel like this. I'm not interested in wallowing. I'm interesting in owning my fears, but not being owned by them.

Also remembered that my life is not so much the "life gives you lemons" quote. More like "when life gives you lemonade, appreciate it."

Last night I asked Ocean if it would be easier to decide to have a non-sexual relationship for now.

He said "do you want that?"

I said, "for me, no. But if that's what you want then it could make it easier for me if we had a decision like that. I don't mean forever, just for now, until further notice."

He replied "no, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I want."

We fell asleep in each other's arms. Easy, uneasy, dreams.
 
Last night I asked Ocean if it would be easier to decide to have a non-sexual relationship for now.

He said "do you want that?"

I said, "for me, no. But if that's what you want then it could make it easier for me if we had a decision like that. I don't mean forever, just for now, until further notice."

He replied "no, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I want."

At that point, I would have been tempted to say, "Well, then fuck me, dammit! I want you!" and get on top of him. It's so difficult to be in that place and let it be. But I think you have to take steps to initiate it more, even if there is rejection. Keep trying and letting him know it isn't acceptable to you.

A "rut" is something you have to climb out of, not sit and wait for it to change on its own. My husband and I were in that no-sex rut for over three years (!), and then he left me and blamed it all on me, saying I didn't want to have sex with him. But I did! I would lay there next to him and cry in silence because I had come to bed hoping it would happen and he would already be asleep. Every now and then, I would say "We should have sex," but I still waited for him to initiate because he was the one who was rejecting it -- but it never happened.

So do something about it. Don't hang onto hope and just wait like I did.
 
... The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses...

...This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.

Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.

...He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.

Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.

....Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.

I had meant to respond to this post sooner - so much of what you said here resonated with how I was feeling with regard to MrS. (This was before Dude came into the picture.)

His libido, never very high, had fallen further. My frustration simmered. I felt un-sexy, fat, un-attractive. (This was exacerbated by the fact that, we were actually trying to conceive during a portion of this time - more pressure.)

I found myself sulking, angry, crying - even caught myself engaging in passive-aggressive cries for attention (something I can't stand). It had to stop - I was driving myself crazy. Sulking, angry, crazy people are not people that I would want to sleep with either! So - I took stock. I AM sexy - I actually don't need him to validate that. I cultivated my relationship with myself - to get back to that person I remembered being. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with him (I did), but I didn't HAVE to. I put baby-making in the "if it happens" file - not a priority. After an intimate conversation/bonding evening - I would say - "I have to go to bed, but you have me a little worked up ;) - so if you hear my vibrator going when you come upstairs...feel free to join me.:p" I don't know that we had any more sex, but my perspective had changed - I didn't spend so much time feeling bad, spent more time masturbating, AND...sometimes he did join me. (Yea!)

In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.

...He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?

Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.

... But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.

...Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.

For us, what ended up happening was that it was knowing that I was getting my sexual needs met elsewhere that allowed MrS to figure out how to ... balance my needs with his. He admits now, looking back, that when I was feeling desperate for him he was almost afraid to let anything that could lead to sex happen because he was afraid that he wouldn't "get into it" and then he would feel bad for disappointing me.

Now he finds that he can just let go - take things to whatever level they get to, please me/please himself/whatever - and that he always has the option of sending in a pinch-hitter (Dude). Taking the pressure off has REALLY improved...everything. As we had more and more positive experiences...his confidence and enjoyment of sex rebounded.

Now, this didn't happen right away - the dynamic between the three of us evolved and stabilized to get us here. But...yeah...I've had more (and more varied) sex with my husband in the last 6 mos than I did in the 6 years before Dude entered the picture.

I've taken up too much space on your blog - feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

JaneQ
 
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THANK YOU nycindie and JaneQSmythe for sharing your personal perspectives. I often write when my moods are tumultuous. Usually I keep this writing to myself or share with only one or two people. Mostly this is because my perspective can be wildly misleading at such times - a speck is a mountain, a shadow is eternal night - and I am at once expressing those surging emotions as well as trying to unpack what's triggering me. The mess of it can come out, in writing, as overly dramatic (I think). As if my whole world actually revolves around this issue. But anyway, I'm glad this time that I vented on my blog here because both of your stories have helped me clear pathways through the shrubbery of what I am experiencing.

I had a great trip away with Ocean, the last few days. We both needed it, individually and as a couple. He unfortunately had a tense situation with Menrva just before we left, which coloured the holiday a bit. Not much, but he was a little strained from it. They only managed to sort things out once we got back into town yesterday. Poly makes for some inconvenient timing sometimes. You need the ability to be patient, strategies to put off, as painlessly as possible, dealing with things, until you can. Holding patterns.

Re: sex with Ocean, I had to get honest with what I wanted. I wanted to want him like I used to. I wanted him to want me. I wanted us to make fireworks in bed, have to drag ourselves away to daily tasks. Not the other way round, not sex being a task we have to complete so we can feed crumbs to our skeletal libidos.

Trying to feel desire that you don't feel is, to me, a foolhardy goal. It was easier for me to resent Ocean's frequent lack of desire for me than admit my frequent lack of desire for him.

Surely I couldn't be the problem - I love sex! I'm having heaps of it. When the other person really wants me, I'm on fire. It must be something about him not wanting me enough. (These weren't my actual thoughts, but it was how I seem to have been unconsciously framing the issue to myself.)

A change of perspective (similar to JaneQSmyth's) is really helping me.

Ocean and I talked about being more at peace with the way we're intimate at the moment. We made a commitment to being as open and generous as possible, if one of us is in the mood. And to be upfront and direct about our desires.

So yes. Pouncing will happen.

And yes. What we have is so good, most definitely enough.
 
Dropped in to see Grotto at his place last night. "I have a confession to make," he said. "I've read your blog."

Ohhhh dude. The thought of it sucked the life out of me.

Yesterday evening I was at a dinner til late, and wasn't replying to texts. The dinner started at 6pm but went on til nearly midnight. I'd said to Grotto that it shouldn't go on too late and would get in touch with him afterwards to see if there was time to meet him. He'd gotten worried, and then thought I might not be doing okay, so he checked my blog (on here). Then read through it all.

We'd talked about the blog before, and decided (at his suggestion) that I keep this space for me, my own private thoughts. Although of course it is a public blog, he thought it would be better if my partners didn't read it so I didn't have to consider them when I wrote. And since then, I've written as if it's my own sandbox. Not holding back. Ah, love...

I didn't feel betrayal or upset that he read the blog after agreeing not to. I guess that is an issue but I was truly not bothered by that aspect. I know he loves me, and I trust him... he did it out of a compulsion, coming from a place of care, and then got hooked I guess. I know what that's like. Plus he 'fessed up straight away. So, for whatever reason really, I wasn't angry at him for 'breaking my trust' or whatever.

What I did feel was intense, overwhelming... shyness? Shame? Embarrassment? I was struggling for the words, but it was huge and I didn't enjoy it.

While I was taking some time out to process, his flatmate Patch came over and chatted with me. I told him roughly what had happened, that I was sorting through emotions... P suggested maybe it was that I felt "exposed," which fit better than other words I'd been thinking of, but still didn't quite get at it.

It felt awful, though, whenever I turned my mind to it. I told Grotto it didn't bear thinking of. My mind kept tripping on particular posts, things I'd said, the ways I'd said them, and I drowned in the shame. Not shame that I had written those things, but shame that Grotto (someone who knows me, knows the circumstances, knows the people involved, etc) had read it. He knows the turns of phrase, my inner fucked-uped-ness, the gross, childish fantasies that I've constructed out of the scrap paper reality of my relationships.

Oh, it's not so bad, right?

I imagined if he had asked first. I probably would have been very very very shy and awkward, but let him read (in the end.) So now it was as if, him having read it first, I was getting all the shyness in a giant ball post-fact. Here, baby, have some nausea.

My upset over this was making Grotto sad. He said "sorry" over and over. Said he wished he hadn't. Was beating himself up. We needed to talk.

In bed, I try again to explain what I'm feeling. He can see I'm affected, but isn't exactly sure why. Hmm.

I say, "you know how some people sing in the shower, just by themselves? And are really shy of singing in public? I guess I feel like that person, if they realised they'd been overheard. That someone had been outside, listening, the whole time. Mortified."

"Self-concious"

"Yes! That, exactly."

We talk some more. He told me he loved the way I wrote, and he was scared that I would stop writing. I said, as long as he didn't keep reading, I wouldn't be changing the way I wrote. I do trust him, and nothing's really a secret from him, so it's not actually huge harm if he reads. (Though, there really could have been some secrets, about other people, on here. Thankfully not.)

Hearing he liked my blog helped ease my panic a little. I wondered if it would help to feed myself more positive comments. My mood was weighed down by so many specific bits of the blog I was shy about. The names I'd picked for people. My optimism, my devastation, my hopes, my whimsy. I wanted to move on, but felt stuck.

So I asked him to indulge me in an experiment. Can we apply the democratic process to our emotions? If there is x amount you are feeling shit about, can you counter that with y amount of counterbalance? "Tell me more," I said, "more about what you liked about what you read." Eep! So shy! I cuddled into him hard.

He told me he could hear my voice, it was like listening to me talk. He could tell I had a lot of love for all the people involved, and that shone through. That particular phrases struck him for their poetry. That my joy was a joy to experience.

Yes, this is working. I do feel better.

"It's like hearing someone sing in the shower and telling them afterwards they have a beautiful voice. I know you still feel mortified about it, but you do have a beautiful voice."

I love you, Grotto. If you're still reading - fuck you, seriously ;) But. I love you.
 
The post I intended to write today, before I got derailed by Grotto's confession:

I have a plump envelope ready to post to Djuna. It's been a long time coming; one of the letters I wrote in January, oops. A recent e-mail from her had a nudge about it. Shit, just realised I still haven't told her about Plinth. Next time we Skype, gotta do this.

Plinth isn't doing too well at the moment, dealing with some volatile head weather. I'm not close enough to him (well, we don't have the history) for me to be a Known Shoulder to lean on, though I have said I'm here to listen if he needs to, massage, whatever. Hope to catch up with him over the next few days. Whatever's going on can't be helped by his job situation at the moment. He does shift-work (manual labour, mmmmmmm, his sweat is so delicious, ah, where was I? oh yeah.) Recently they've been cancelling shifts on him at the last minute, or calling him up then sending him home after his minimum hours. Really not worth waking him up at 4am for, poor dude. He's looking for another job.

Meanwhile, the apartment Ocean and I are staying at has gone to month-by-month lease. It's a tad expensive, even for the area, and we've been considering moving. As it happens, new flatmates at Plinth's house dropped out at the last minute, and they are looking for replacement housemates asap. Plinth mentioned it to us, and Ocean thought he might see if that would work for him.

This triggered a couple of responses from the 'metamour' department.

Grotto: shaken by the thought of me moving in with Plinth, when I'm not living with him (Grotto). Though I'm moving to a new city in two weeks, for six months, he was thinking what happens when I get back into town. More things to unpack here. Living arrangements are a work in progress for us. Officially I still live with Ocean. We've toyed with the idea of living together the three of us (probably in the context of a large share-flat scenario), but we're not there yet. I stay at Grotto's 2-3 nights a week, but most of my things are at Ocean's. Hmm. I've flagged this to tease out later

Menrva: unhappy with the thought of Ocean shifting to the other side of town. It's not really that far, but it's a matter of being slightly north vs slightly east of the CBD. It would mean an extra 20-30 mins travel to see each other. Although, they'd still be at the same workplace, and there's a spare room at Menrva's house... But, anyway, she's sad about the idea and has helped Ocean apply for a one-bedroom apartment that is currently available in the same building that she lives.

Eek! When Ocean told me, I had a flood of emotions... He should do what's best for him. He's basically moving in with Menrva? Should I move my stuff out? She wants him to live close to him, but would that be good for him? Hoping he'd be able to make a decision that works, won't add stress, make him sad. Concern for him, annoyance at Menrva, combined with being pleased she cares about him, helps him out - messy! Reminded me a lot of how I felt about Djuna when she wanted Grotto to stay in our old city, even though work was better for him here. I didn't want to be involved in the decision, I wanted Grotto to make up his own mind.

I had a vested interest (I wanted Grotto to move here) but I thought that should be put aside, as far as possible, to focus on his needs. I guess you can't help having personal motives, when your partners are deciding where to live, but... ah. I'm big on independence. For myself, I'm quite strong on doing what's fruitful for you, personally, first & foremost. How this fits in with other people certainly does factor in, and it's obviously not clear-cut (how a move will affect a relationship is an aspect of how it will affect you, etc) but I've found it to be a useful priority for me. I don't move or stay entirely for someone else. I do it for me. If it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel resentment towards anyone.

I'm not especially keen on Ocean living with Plinth (would be funny, but I'm not fussed either way), but I'd like him (for him) to be in a space he feels positive about, and comfortable in. And, for me, my only thought is that we ultimately want to live in a shared living situation rather than living by ourselves. Ocean has the same long-term goal, but short-term he's needed some personal space, and wanted to live in a place with just the two of us. Recently, the ideas we've had about places to move have been when rooms have become available in houses where friends live. So, for him to move to another one-bedroom place is a different trajectory. Maybe best for him at the moment, but... we need to talk :)

This Monday is Ocean & my 7-year anniversary, from when we first got together. I have a telephone appointment with him in 5 mins to chat about what we should do. (He's been at a conference Easter weekend). Yup, our lives are full, functional.

Spending the day with Grotto today. Heading out for a walk soon, then doing some writing. May be helping another friend with babysitting in the evening. I'd love to watch him change a nappy. Might make him Nappy Monitor for the night, hehe.
 
nycindie - your reply was quite a surprise, haha. Had no idea I'd come across as cute! Glad you like the way I write. Thanks for your encouragement <3

The last couple of days, I've made my way through my blog, reading with Grotto's eyes. Wasn't so scary, actually.

I told Ocean that Grotto had read my blog, and asked him if he was also curious to read. He said he was. Hmmmmm. I'll sleep on it. I feel like if they get to see inside my bonnet, I'd like to read some of their thoughts & reflections too. Not that I need perfect symmetry - just a flash or two, I reckon.

Today's been perfect. Ocean is my April Fool. Seven years ago today, we made out for the first time under pine trees in the folds of our home city, where an island of lush swamp forest has been preserved from urban encroachment. It's one of our touchstone places, and I look forward to being back there someday.

For now, we're big city livin. Spent our anniversary well. Sleeping in (when's the last time we did that?), amateur gymnastics to get out of bed, walking to one of our favourite local cafes for breakfast, getting lost and amazed in the newly gentrified suburbs flourishing in the lee of multi-storied public housing estates.

Back at home, we started painting the didgeridoo we'd made together at the festival we went to over New Years - a project that's been on our to-do list for a while. We've decided to try to finish it before I leave in two weeks. Needs 5-6 hours more solid work. A couple of Saturday afternoons should do it.

Being creative with Ocean can be a tricky thing. I tend to dominate, and we aren't always gripped by each other's ideas. It's usually more enjoyable to work side-by-side on our own projects than work together on the same thing. Learning how to co-create art has been a fruitful activity for us, and it was lovely to share the design and painting between us. Tiring, though.

By evening we were spent, lazing in pools of ourselves listening to music. I'd made hot chocolates out of an Easter bunny (melt and whisk with milk and chilli powder? Yup, that works.) Ocean was DJ, and I was digging his tunes - Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Roy Orbison, Fats Domino rubbing shoulders with Leonard Cohen, David Bowie, NIN, Tool ?! Heaps of tracks I hadn't heard before, c/o Grooveshark

A last-minute decision to end the day with something special (given the occasion) and we were out again for a late night movie, then dinner at midnight at a nocturnal Italian pizzeria near the theatre (though we ended up getting pasta and a burger, heh.) We walked the meal off over the thirty minutes getting home. The weather's turned chillier, and we had to cuddle for warmth. I love how our bodies feel when we're one dark shape moving through a moonlit city.

"Happy many-versary," he kissed me as he fell asleep. I'm sure there will be.
 
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Busy few days. Had a flat inspection at our place, so had to tidy for that. Ocean and I took the opportunity to do a rearrange of the place, and it's feeling more joyful. Decided to make the futon into a permanent couch, and swap rooms... I love the vitality of mixing things up a little :) The apartment isn't that big, but how we've got it set up now makes it feel larger, woo!

Last couple of days I also helped Grotto and his flatmate move, from a spot on the 22nd floor of one high-rise to a 21st-storey apartment in a building a few blocks away. It was quite a mission as there was a narrow window allowed for us to use the lift to move furniture into the new place. When I left this morning, it was almost all done. Just a few bits and pieces to be cleared out of the old place, and cleaning. I meant to head round again this evening, but was too buggered. Once I got home from work, I crashed out. No matter: I recently heard from Grotto that they've all finished up. Great. Apparently Bijou had gone round to give them a hand, too. Yay for the power of multiple people :)

Menrva's sick at the moment. Ocean spent some time with her today, and while I empathise with her being sick, I'm nervous I'll catch the cold too. It's more I really don't want to be down with anything right now, I'm enjoying being well so much, and would like to have a happening final fortnight in the city before I leave mid-month. Maybe I should dose up on something fortifying as a preventative.

I've found infections to be one of the perils of poly; the germs definitely do the rounds. Though, I've been known to be quite the Typhoid Mary in the past :D So, we'll see!

Seems Ocean is going to stay in the current apartment. It's on the pricier side of what we can afford, but it's a happy place for him. It'll definitely be warm in winter (and he tends to get sad(d) in the cold) so it may be worth it overall. I've written an e-mail to the agent see about a rent reduction, but we're not counting on it. Has anyone in the history of tenancies ever successfully negotiated a rent decrease?! :p Maybe it happens, I don't know. We thought there was no harm asking.

Grotto and his flatmate wanna take me out for dinner as a thank you for being shifting buddies. Mm, I reckon I'd like that. Can't help dreaming we'll end up having each other for dessert.

Not really, though. In my fantasy, it is wonderful. But the reality would likely be most awkward. I suppose. Mm. Only one way to find out, I guess...

Gosh I'm glad that I have friendships that have flourished despite blatant, foolhardy crushes.

At a dinner the other night with Ocean, Bert, Menrva and a bunch of other folks, I invited a friend who had been meaning to try out that particular restaurant for a while. Afterwards, Menrva had asked Ocean if this friend was someone I was seeing. Ocean had replied "no, that's one of her friends who she doesn't fuck." Ah, whoops... am I really that bad? Haha!

I've been thinking more about letting partners read my blog, and I'm leaning towards a preference for keeping this my own space. It would probably reduce any bad dissonance. For example, as I was writing above about the dinner invite from Grotto, I worried a little that he might read this and feel more obliged to follow through on it. I wouldn't want to add that pressure. Also wouldn't want to be writing things here as hints to them, even subconsciously.

On the other hand, if I am staunch against these tendencies, and ask my partners to adjust for this when reading, it could work. Anyway, there's no rush on this. I'm gonna continue with the status quo for now.
 
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A whirling dervish of a weekend. Lots of dancing - joined a week-long intensive that started Friday eve. A 1.5-2hr class each day plus about the same again in practice if I'm going to keep up. Most excellent insanity.

Friday night: Grotto and I went out to a poetry gig. The words, vibe, location all very good. Walked the 40 mins home with him. Managed to choke on the same bottleneck we always do. Something happens to unsettle me. I want time/space to think on it. He instantly wants to know what's on my mind, let's unpick this together baby right now. I feel rushed by his impatience. He feels infuriated by my retiscence. etc etc etc

At one point it definitely felt like we were fighting but it's all kissed and talked out now :) And, as always, I feel we've covered more ground.... and yes, we're getting better at this.

Saturday: morning making-sure-we've-made-up sex with Grotto. Dance. Art date with Ocean to continue on Painting the Didgeridoo part two. Dinner with Merva, Bert and a couple of their work friends. Flatwarming at Grotto's new place (Ocean came with me, but bowed out early; Plinth turned up much later.) It was a stay-up-til-the-sun rises affair. A lovely crew of friendly folks. A Grand Time Was Had By All.

Sunday: brunch at Grotto's place (hash browns, avocado, and pimped up baked beans - added onions, mushrooms, chilli & dark chocolate and topped with grated cheese). Home to a quick touchbase with Ocean. Dance... 3 hours of it... oh. my. god. Pain. But so happy.

Plinth lives near where my dance is, so I got in touch with him afterwards to see what he was up to. He invited me round for dinner... fuck, that boy knows what to do with a kitchen. <3 <3 <3 We got plenty of conversation in, including a couple of topics on which I'd wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Was fading towards the end (not having had much sleep) so scooted home...

Now it's nearly midnight. Have slipped into bed beside Ocean. He is still, and warm, and peaceful. I will sleep well tonight.
 
Distance

I've moved cities, started paid work. Plinth, Grotto and Ocean saw me off at the airport bus. Watching them walk away as the bus left, with me a small face inside, was pretty poignant but also heart-warming. They are such good people. I'm gonna miss them.

Grotto came to my going away work drinks (for the place I was volunteering at before I moved). The manager there had previously met Ocean and knew him as my husband. On another occasion I'd said that we weren't monogamous and that I had another long-term partner, but it didn't seem to register. Anyway, I introduced Grotto as my "common law husband," which I actually quite liked doing. Made sense in the context of people who think of Ocean as my husband. Yeah. I may use that one again.

Finally scored a Skype date with Djuna today. Was cute to see her, catch up on the goss. Told her about things with Plinth... hmm... she was concerned about me hurting people by getting close to them but not having time to develop a relationship. (It felt a tad awkward discussing this with her as it has been a tension between the two of us in the past.) She reminded me that most people do fewer things because they realise the limits of their time. She said that it's really easy to move forward in a relationship but painful to pull back. That kind of thing.

Grotto had also been asking me what I'm going to do if Plinth wants more time with me than I do or can give.

I'm really relying on Plinth being self-aware enough to know his needs, and voice them. And on myself to express myself well and not over-reach.

But, this is his first experience with poly. And my first experience of being this... involved... romantically. I worry, a little. Especially reading this on AnnabelMore's blog:

I feel so bad for the new-to-poly people who try dating folks in Clay's situation, who have more than three partners. People who are used to being mono, used to being someone else's whole romantic world, and who suddenly get such a limited slice of time from someone they're feeling NRE with. It's HARD, but at least I have other relationships to focus on, at least I understand how difficult it is to manage this balancing act and can relate.

Well. I will write to him and see what his thoughts are.

Til then, I'm taking time to be By Myself. It's quiet, but quite lovely.
 
Ocean moves house in the next couple of days. I'd been feeling bad about him having to do it by himself. Well, a lot of people offered to help, but the bulk of the work is tidying and packing our stuff (and, the majority of it my stuff) so the ability for others to help in that department is limited.

Luckily, it turned out there were some affordable flights for me to return to assist Ocean with the move. So - after only being away for a couple of weeks - I'm back! Was much too soon to return, really, and it felt a little stupid. But I'm really glad I came back for a short visit, particularly cos Ocean's been depressed.

He ran out of meds and didn't make sure he sorted a new script in time, so he had to stop abruptly. Cue a raft of gross side effects - bleargh :( It's been a long weekend here, so he's had to wait a few days before he sees the doctor. So quite apart from me being here to help him shift, he is also happy to see me for support and cuddles. Yay!

It's been lovely to get the chance to see Grotto and Plinth too. I haven't been away long enough to reeeeeally miss them, but ah - so good.

The few days before I got here, I had a couple of semi-serious e-mails back and forth with Plinth, teasing out my thoughts and concerns around time, energy, etc. I addressed some of the stuff that Djuna brought up in our Skype chat. It was good timing to have a chat with Plinth in person about these things. All is well. He's liking the relationship. Doesn't feel like I don't have enough to give him. Is feeling good all round. Told me he loved me, which he hadn't yet done - it's one of those loaded phrases for him. It hadn't bothered me, although I had noticed him avoiding the phrase. Even though it didn't change my understanding about the way he feels towards me, it was a wonderful experience... him holding me close to his warm body on a 21st floor inner-city balcony, wind whipping and whistling around us, hearing him say "I love you" when I didn't expect it <3 <3 <3

What was possibly more wonderful... actually, let's not compare, these two wonderful things are both grand in their own aspects... WE THEN HAD THE BEST THREESOME EVER (declared thus by Grotto). Oh. My. Fucking. God. Grotto, Plinth and I in bed, chatting. Plinth starts toying with my nipple, Grotto turns in to kiss my other one, while both my hands start lazily stroking their cocks. Gentle enough as a start...

This time no one got any sleep.

Some highlights: I'm kneeling at the end of the bed and crushing their balls in my hands: left hand on Grotto, right hand on Plinth. The boys are curled close into each other, with Grotto's head cradled by Plinth's shoulder (heart-stoppingly beautiful). Their arms cross over to masturbate each other. Yummmm

I'm sucking Grotto and Plinth's licking and finger fucking my ass

I choke Plinth HARD while Grotto does I'm not sure what but Plinth's eyes are wide and gorgeous. Is he saying "yes... more..."? I can't quite make it out, shh baby, just one more minute and then you can breathe

Plinth's roughing up Grotto's nipples, with his teeth and one hand, with the other slippery palm up and down Grotto's cock. I'm gnawing on Grotto's balls and teasing his asshole. A hoarse whisper from Grotto: "if you keep doing that I'm gonna cum", and within seconds he sprays everywhere, it's like a cum sprinkler seriously. Somehow this went horizontal in all directions (!?) Whatever, HOT

Grotto and I take our sweet time sharing Plinth's cock. All Plinth can do is lie back and moan. Everytime I glance up he looks more and more like Jesus, his arms out wide and his face in the throes of passion. When he cums, it's long and messy. There's a battle for the spoils and even Plinth takes his turn by cleaning up my face at the end

Wow.

The next morning, Plinth dropped me back to my (Ocean's) place. I told him: "without meaning any more than this sentiment, and with no expectations... I could definitely get used to that." Here's hoping! Haha

This evening: dinner date with Ocean. He said he's been craving sex recently (hallelujah) so... we'll see how that goes. Trying not to be SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT OKAY MAYBE I'M FAILING. I can't help it; good sex often makes me hornier in general.

Oh, another cute thing about Grotto and Plinth together. They kept calling each other "bro", "man" and "dude" :D Like "yeah, bro, that feels good." "fuck, man, please, don't stop" etc. I LOVE THESE GUYS, seriously. How did I get so lucky?
 
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Exquisite dinner date with Ocean last night. He took me out to a restaurant he's been meaning to for ages, which is also a specialist vodka bar. We ate and drank slowly, sharing everything. My first pay comes through tomorrow, so he joked that the date was on me :)

When we got home, we spent time by ourselves. Him reading a novel, me watching some great speeches by NZ politicians from earlier this month, as they finally passed same-sex marriage legislation. Doing our own thing, in the same room, is one of the peaceful pleasures I miss when we're long distance.

A little later, I smell something cooking in the kitchen (mustard seed? curry leaves?) It's nearly midnight. "Are you hungry again?" I ask. Nah, turns out he's cooking lunch for tomorrow. I'm impressed! (It was very good actually. Rice, dhal and jackfruit curry. Most delicious dishes)

When we eventually make it to bed, I'm nervous we'll fuck this up. But we don't :)

It felt a little like speaking a language you haven't for a while. You stumble through the sentences, with verbs in the wrong tense and a forgotten word or two... but it quickly gets better. "Rusty" is an apt metaphor. Ah, we gotta ride this bicycle more often.

This morning, Ocean was numb, sad. Didn't want the day to begin. Continuing stressors for him are his work, and tension with Menrva. The latter can be very hard, actually, and he's had some fairly bad patches of late. I like Menrva. She's a fascinating, kind and caring person. But she has some ways of relating to Ocean, as a partner, that seem rather awful. This is only Ocean's second serious relationship (his relationship with me was the first) and he's not always managing to manage.

Compounding those two things in some mysterious algorithm is the general chemical shit of depression plus running out of meds. He's not sure if he can get a doctor's appointment today, to renew his script. Hmm. Hmm. I made porridge with frozen cherries, and two cups of green tea. We sat next to each other and said nothing over breakfast. It's so hard to see him like this! I do my best to be supportive. Very glad I'm here.

Various packing/moving-related things to do today, by myself while Ocean's at work. Getting these things done is the best way I can be a strength to him right now, I think. We shift tomorrow. Next day, I'm back at work in the other city (I'm doing the cheeky "fly in, and go straight to work from the airport" thing. Such a pro.)

Sleeping here with Ocean tonight and at Grotto's tomorrow night (as his apartment is across the road from where I need to catch the airport bus). We're both still buzzing from the high of sex with Plinth, and very open to more. It'll be nice to have a two-some though, and would be my preference.

The more I adventure out, the surer I am of how important it is to honour and nourish the solid limbs that support my growth.
 
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