They would think I am cheating myself.
I feel like if she doesn't respect me, he shouldn't be tolerant of that.
I was doing just fine until I learned about how uncomfortable she is with me.
She's been doing this sort of thing without letting up for quite a while. He sat her down, told her how he wants to refer to me in public and to friends and coworkers, explained what his intentions are with me, and she's been upset about it. And more than anything, *he* has said that she does not respect me.
I'm not sure if he's letting me think it's her because he doesn't want to own any mistakes. He did tell me that he feels like he has been the one not guiding her expectations very well.
But I don't feel like I'm meddling in her business. The fact that her actions are spilling over into my relationship with him, that affects me. And I should be conscious of that, no?
Have you had an experience where you've had to allow time to let changes set in, and how did you decide on what a reasonable time frame was?
I was doing just fine until I learned about how uncomfortable she is with me.
How does she meddle, exactly?
Op when you have 7 different posters giving you the same or similar feedback when are you going to listen?
Do YOU think you are cheating yourself by staying with him when he doesn't set and enforce boundaries with her wonky behavior?
That whole movie theater thing... he lets her know he's taking you to the movies on a date. And she buys tickets to same showing and gets pissy he won't sit with her? Why is he even telling her stuff about you and him in detail when it enables her to do such a thing?
She behaved poorly. But who gave there the inside scoop so she could show up and fusspot? HIM.
He IS tolerant of that. So... what do you do about his behavior? I would concentrate there. And leave her crazy to him to deal with. Because you can only deal with things one at a time. And rather than work from the outside back inward? You could start with you and go outwards from there:
- Define. These are the things you can and cannot put up with.
- Articulate. Make him aware of your boundaries.
- Enforce. He cross the line? You follow through with the consequence that YOU can do for yourself to get you out of the line of fire.
Who told you this stuff that disturbs your peace? Sounds like the BF. You can tell him to stop telling you his drama on that other side of the V.
You could exercise firmer personal boundaries for yourself.
- You can ask him to stop oversharing information about how she feels or does not feel, thinks or does not think. That side of the V you do not participate in. So if he has problems on that side of the V, he can talk to a friend, a counselor, etc. But not to you.
- What he tells you about that side of the V is limited to sex health hygiene things. And calendar things. If he goes into deep details he can expect you to say "No. I do not go deep into this. You can go deep with you friends or a counselor."
- You can tell him to please stop telling her details about your dates or planned dates. And just say "I have a date. I am booked" to prevent another incident like the movies.
You can tell him "No, not willing" when he asks you to reach out to her. You do not participate in things on that side of the V. He can ask a friend or counselor to do that instead.
For what? So she stops acting out at him? That's HIS problem to deal with. You are not his "clean up" woman. He picks to date a wonky one, he can deal with the wonky.
How does she meddle, exactly?
Uh-oh, why does he do that? This is an example of the pot-stirring he engages in.
Uh-oh again. Why does he inform her when you've weighed in on a decision he made? More pot-stirring.
He shouldn't be over-sharing with both of you and he shouldn't be asking you to reach out to her. Does he do this on a regular basis?
How long have you and Kit been seeing each other now?
Does this happen in a scheduling meeting among all three of you? From what I've read here, I doubt it. So, now, how do you know Letty asks him a gazillion questions? Kit tells you. Right?Schedules. It's 20 questions with her. It isn't just accepting what time he says they'll meet, it's a barrage of questions about why it isn't sooner or if I'm influencing the time they meet.
Again, all these things that bothered her - he told you about, correct? You did not get it directly "from the horse's mouth," correct? I think, by now, you know what I am going to say: he should not be sharing this stuff with you. He should be focused on being with you when he's with you.What he chooses to call me. That I spend the night however many times a week. That he wants to bring me to things where she brings her husband (there was a work function he wanted to bring me to and he was met with resistance when he said he wanted to bring me). She doesn't make those decisions for him, but she questions it like crazy.
She made it her business that I met his father. She met his father too, but whoa! Apparently I wasn't allowed to do that. She was very upset with him over this.
Here, you said "tell us" - does that mean she spoke to you about it? Broken record alert - if this is something she only said to him in private, he shouldn't be sharing it with you.She also feels the need to tell us what protection we need to be using . . .
Well, this IS something that he needs to share. Is he fucking her bareback? Even though he's had a history of maintaining quite an active sex life with several others up until very recently? If so, then he and Letty are both being very, very stupid. And you need to make sure you always use condoms with him.. . . yet doesn't adhere to it herself.
Does this happen in a scheduling meeting among all three of you? From what I've read here, I doubt it. So, now, how do you know Letty asks him a gazillion questions? Kit tells you. Right?
He should be focused on being with you when he's with you.
I gotta wonder... why does he tell both of you about all the minutiae he shares with each of you? Could be he gets off (though, perhaps, subconsciously) on having two women fighting over him. Or it could be just that he's never considered the consequences of his actions, thinking poly means everything is wide open and fully shared, and that kind of thing - I suspect he has never really researched how to manage multiple relationships in an ethical, considerate manner.
Of course, she sounds like a real doozy, but he has been fucking up royally.
Well, this IS something that he needs to share. Is he fucking her bareback? Even though he's had a history of maintaining quite an active sex life with several others up until very recently? Then he and Letty are both being very, very stupid. And you need to make sure you always use condoms with him.
So, yeah, anyway, the gist of all these responses seems to be that he is contributing to the angst you are going through, in a major way, by not being a good and careful hinge.
I suggest you show him this thread.
I am going to be concise since everyone message is going over your head or you just don't want to hear it.
KIT IS THE PROBLEM...
We were cross posting. I'm sorry if the quotes are wonky now. I am glad there was something useful for you there though. Thank you for clarifying on the movie thing. But glad you see the point I was trying to get to.
When you talk to him, I hope you articulate your "info management" boundaries with him better:
- Please tell me calendar things, sex health hygiene things. These are the things I want to know that affect me.
- Please do not tell me deep detail things -- how she thinks, feels, acts out at you, whatever. I am not the guy. Those things you sort out with her directly. Or things you tell another friend or a counselor so you get outside help/advice on HOW to deal with her directly.
Because YOU don't need to be sucked up in THEIR drama via HIS oversharing.
Right now he's simply disturbing your mental peace by oversharing his problems with her. I get he wants to talk it out with someone, but he could do it with someone OUTSIDE the system. He could pick an appropriate person. You are not it.
Dumping it all on you? That's not respecting your boundary or your need for mental peace. You seem to want that respected.
So state the boundaries crystal clear. Ask if you can expect him to live up to them.
- If he says no? Thank him for being honest. Then break up. You cannot be with someone who will not respect your boundaries.
- If he says yes... Then hold him accountable and enforce. He crosses the line? Note it is not respectful and count strikes. Too many strikes racked up? You dump him.
Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.
Galagirl
Well, it sucks being a control freak when people won't do what you want them to do, doesn't it?
You've already exerted some degree of control over your bf Kit, by getting him to stop dating others and taking his profile down from OKCupid or wherever, but I am not sure if he is managing his texting others while he is with you. In one thread, you say he won't call you his girlfriend, which pisses you off, but now here you insist you are his gf and Letty is "just" a FWB. She's married, and since you take a dim view of open marriages, you look down on her and how she conducts her relationship with Kit. For some reason, you see her opinions of you as "disrespect." Hmmm. Seriously, what does it matter what she thinks of you? You're in a relationship with him, not her. Why do you deny that she needs, loves, or relies upon him just as much as you do? Besides that, you keep trying to manage his relationship with her, instead of minding your own damn business and just focusing on your relationship with him. But you keep letting her occupy your thoughts!
IMHO, you are just as disrespectful of her position in his life as she seems to be (in your view) of yours.
I see that the one major problem you have it not with her, but with him -- he is not managing being a hinge very well at all, AND simply the fact that he is a polyamorist is something you don't like at all. You want him all to yourself, are incredibly judgmental, want to be in control, and are in a situation you don't like one iota. From what I can tell from your posts, you and he haven't even been together for a year yet, and yet you've participated in quite a lot of drama over him, and keep trying to steer things the way you want them to go.
Why do you stay?
You want him all to yourself, are incredibly judgmental, want to be in control, and are in a situation you don't like one iota.
Glad it helped bring some clarity to your talk.
I hope you guys are on the same page now, and he makes changes to his behaviors so he's not oversharing deep details any more and disturbing your peace. I hope he follows through and doesn't earn himself strikes.
I hope if he does rack up strikes after this point in time, YOU are prepared to follow through and break it off. You can't keep dating him if he says he will respect your boundaries, but then does not actually respect your boundaries. Just too much drama. Talk is cheap. YKWIM?
I'll hope that he will be true to his Word though.
GL!
Galagirl
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
He didn't follow through the first time and you are expecting different results this time?
"Hypocrite" means saying one thing, doing another, or directly contradicting one's own words. Not seeing how anyone in this thread is doing that, though your interpretation is just as valid as mine. Just making sure "hypocrite" is the word you actually wanted.
As for your responses...Some people in this thread may sound harsh to you. But you're responding in a very defensive, angry way even to those who have tried to be helpful. If people are misunderstanding your intentions or your thoughts and feelings, that isn't on them. They can't read your mind, only your words. People are responding to what they're reading in YOUR posts, so any misinterpretation is at least partially due to how you're expressing yourself.
Clearly you *don't* like the situation you're in, at least the aspects involving Letty, or you wouldn't have started this thread to begin with. I'm not sure why you're taking offense to someone stating that.
And you're right, we don't know how well things go when you aren't posting for advice or feedback, because you don't post about those times. Most of us only post when we need help with a negative situation, and that's fine. But getting angry at us for not knowing that things are good sometimes isn't productive or useful...nor is it logical, since as I said, we can't read your mind, only your words that you type here.
As for feeling sympathy or not toward Letty... why do you have to feel ANYTHING toward her? Why are you making her a factor in your thoughts, feelings, and relationship? You could choose not to think about her at all, and to shut down Kit when he brings her up. You don't have a relationship with her. You have one with him. Her marital problems have nothing to do with you, so there's no need for you to sympathize or not. Her marriage isn't a factor in your life unless she's coming to you for advice, in which case tell her not to because you don't want to deal with it.
I wrote that whole post to try to avoid replies like this but apparently it's my fault. I guess that's what I get for writing it so late at night?
See, I feel like she's the one who refuses to acknowledge me. She refuses to hear the word "girlfriend."
He brought it up with her in the interest of being transparent with her. Because they have coworkers, for one thing, and didn't want her caught off guard by how he has chosen to refer to me. And honestly? It doesn't matter to me as much as you might think it does. It didn't matter before when I didn't feel like she needed to know the depth of our relationship. But because there's now that aspect - that he's referring to me in a way she didn't expect him to - *I* am seeing the results of her discomfort with it.
Would this have been easier for you to understand had I said, my metamour refuses to acknowledge what our shared lover decides to call me?