Rarechild
New member
ok, so it's hard sometimes
Recently I have felt my strength in all of this sapped at times. My indomitable resolve to be secure in my feelings and actions regardless of how hard it is to navigate two very intense and monumental loves in my life has been tested.
I have really started to feel the weight of not really having anyone to talk to who can identify with my position as the life love of two incredible men with whom I want everything with. I have this forum, and the wonderful people whom I know will listen and offer help, but I admit that it is hard to lay everything out knowing that both of my loves will be reading- I really desire an objective discussion with someone who can identify with what I'm going through who is not directly involved and has understanding of poly through personal experience.
The friends that I have shared the circumstances of my life with have been accepting, but are far from being able to offer perspective, as they have zero experience with this lovestyle, and I have rarely gotten beyond the point of just explaining what the hell it is I'm up to. I don't know any poly people other than ourselves personally.
For my own sanity and to get the only help I know is there for me, I'm going to go ahead and say fuck it, and share my thoughts with you all without fear of being misread by my loves or making them feel exposed, which is something I worry about, and has kept me from posting anything too difficult on this forum.
Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.
In my mind, there is no hierarchy. The relationships are very different, hold different history, and are at different stages, but the love I feel for each of them is equally powerful. This is so hard for Catfish to accept. He was not prepared to face Charlie and I loving one another so deeply.
The two of them are in close communication, have formed a deep and beautiful bond, and Catfish continually works on his jealousy and everything that comes up with it, which is all incredibly admirable and growth-producing for us all. Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.
There was something we said to each other when we embarked on exploring poly that has turned out to be false, and I feel it is at the core of the disconnect. It was this: "No matter what, you always win." I can't even think like that anymore, and I know Catfish feels betrayed by the loss of this assurance. His identity as the only one who takes care of me, is always there for me, will always fight for my love has been dismantled. The fact that I accept and glory in this level of commitment and love from Charlie does not compute with his concept of our relationship or his concept of himself and his place in my heart.
Try as I might to assure him that our love is just as precious to me, and even moreso as I am feed to pursue my love for Charlie, I don't think he really believes me. Deep down I know he is expecting an ultimate choice to be made by me between the two of them, and feels like my love for Charlie will overpower my love for him. It keeps him at a distance from me because aware or not, he is preparing to lose me, or at the very least to have to accept a diminished love with me.
I won't choose, and I think we can all win in this. I can't choose, and from the first inkling years ago that my feelings for Charlie went straight to the bottom of my soul, I have not had the ability or the desire to choose. My love for them is, and grows, and intensifies, regardless of anything. That will always be true even if they both leave me and I have to face the world without them.
It is very hard to watch my Catfish suffer in all of this. I know that with a different woman, his life could be much more simple, straightforward, and easier to navigate. I see him struggle to his depths, and know that I am the cause of his struggle, even as I know it is him that has made the choice to love me all the way through every part of the pain and the pleasure. I have no guilt for loving Charlie, but I do feel helpless sometimes when Catfish is in pain because of it.
In my infinite love and respect for Catfish, I treat him as the strong and capable man that I know he is. I have seen my attitude of respect for his ability to deal with the reality of our lives as they have come to change make him feel abandoned.
Sometimes I fail to be compassionate or to support him how he needs me to because my belief in his strength and the strength of our love is so strong that I refuse to try and manipulate his journey through this in any way. I want his decision to choose to be with me every day, as he has for almost seven years, to be completely his own. This can make him feel like I have left him in the cold. For both of us, it is frustrating to cross that divide. In the past we have been co-dependent, unhealthy in our concept of ourselves and our place in the world in relation to one another. We are both going in the same direction, toward freedom, self-fulfillment and toward a deepening of our love, but we try to get there in different ways sometimes, and it hurts.
Most days it is all I can do to navigate the moment I am in. I trust that this path that the three of us are on will lead to ever more beautiful places for us each individually and in our relationships with one another. I know that there is truth in all of it. When I try to think about what our lives will be in six months or a year, my mind gets twisted. If Catfish and I cannot get right with one another and find joy in our growth together, I really don't know what will happen. What I do know is that we love each other and always will, and that we will both keep working and not give up.
With Charlie, even though we are just at the beginning of this incarnation of our relationship, I know the same is true. We are connected in ways I have never experienced, and we grow in our love every day. I will never be sorry for that or give up on him.
What will it look like and where are we going from here? My place is sure, and my feelings are unchangeable. I will love and accept them both for who they are and what they want from their lives as I continue to explore my own spirit and be open to grow as I learn more about myself and the world.
Thanks for listening,
-R
Recently I have felt my strength in all of this sapped at times. My indomitable resolve to be secure in my feelings and actions regardless of how hard it is to navigate two very intense and monumental loves in my life has been tested.
I have really started to feel the weight of not really having anyone to talk to who can identify with my position as the life love of two incredible men with whom I want everything with. I have this forum, and the wonderful people whom I know will listen and offer help, but I admit that it is hard to lay everything out knowing that both of my loves will be reading- I really desire an objective discussion with someone who can identify with what I'm going through who is not directly involved and has understanding of poly through personal experience.
The friends that I have shared the circumstances of my life with have been accepting, but are far from being able to offer perspective, as they have zero experience with this lovestyle, and I have rarely gotten beyond the point of just explaining what the hell it is I'm up to. I don't know any poly people other than ourselves personally.
For my own sanity and to get the only help I know is there for me, I'm going to go ahead and say fuck it, and share my thoughts with you all without fear of being misread by my loves or making them feel exposed, which is something I worry about, and has kept me from posting anything too difficult on this forum.
Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.
In my mind, there is no hierarchy. The relationships are very different, hold different history, and are at different stages, but the love I feel for each of them is equally powerful. This is so hard for Catfish to accept. He was not prepared to face Charlie and I loving one another so deeply.
The two of them are in close communication, have formed a deep and beautiful bond, and Catfish continually works on his jealousy and everything that comes up with it, which is all incredibly admirable and growth-producing for us all. Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.
There was something we said to each other when we embarked on exploring poly that has turned out to be false, and I feel it is at the core of the disconnect. It was this: "No matter what, you always win." I can't even think like that anymore, and I know Catfish feels betrayed by the loss of this assurance. His identity as the only one who takes care of me, is always there for me, will always fight for my love has been dismantled. The fact that I accept and glory in this level of commitment and love from Charlie does not compute with his concept of our relationship or his concept of himself and his place in my heart.
Try as I might to assure him that our love is just as precious to me, and even moreso as I am feed to pursue my love for Charlie, I don't think he really believes me. Deep down I know he is expecting an ultimate choice to be made by me between the two of them, and feels like my love for Charlie will overpower my love for him. It keeps him at a distance from me because aware or not, he is preparing to lose me, or at the very least to have to accept a diminished love with me.
I won't choose, and I think we can all win in this. I can't choose, and from the first inkling years ago that my feelings for Charlie went straight to the bottom of my soul, I have not had the ability or the desire to choose. My love for them is, and grows, and intensifies, regardless of anything. That will always be true even if they both leave me and I have to face the world without them.
It is very hard to watch my Catfish suffer in all of this. I know that with a different woman, his life could be much more simple, straightforward, and easier to navigate. I see him struggle to his depths, and know that I am the cause of his struggle, even as I know it is him that has made the choice to love me all the way through every part of the pain and the pleasure. I have no guilt for loving Charlie, but I do feel helpless sometimes when Catfish is in pain because of it.
In my infinite love and respect for Catfish, I treat him as the strong and capable man that I know he is. I have seen my attitude of respect for his ability to deal with the reality of our lives as they have come to change make him feel abandoned.
Sometimes I fail to be compassionate or to support him how he needs me to because my belief in his strength and the strength of our love is so strong that I refuse to try and manipulate his journey through this in any way. I want his decision to choose to be with me every day, as he has for almost seven years, to be completely his own. This can make him feel like I have left him in the cold. For both of us, it is frustrating to cross that divide. In the past we have been co-dependent, unhealthy in our concept of ourselves and our place in the world in relation to one another. We are both going in the same direction, toward freedom, self-fulfillment and toward a deepening of our love, but we try to get there in different ways sometimes, and it hurts.
Most days it is all I can do to navigate the moment I am in. I trust that this path that the three of us are on will lead to ever more beautiful places for us each individually and in our relationships with one another. I know that there is truth in all of it. When I try to think about what our lives will be in six months or a year, my mind gets twisted. If Catfish and I cannot get right with one another and find joy in our growth together, I really don't know what will happen. What I do know is that we love each other and always will, and that we will both keep working and not give up.
With Charlie, even though we are just at the beginning of this incarnation of our relationship, I know the same is true. We are connected in ways I have never experienced, and we grow in our love every day. I will never be sorry for that or give up on him.
What will it look like and where are we going from here? My place is sure, and my feelings are unchangeable. I will love and accept them both for who they are and what they want from their lives as I continue to explore my own spirit and be open to grow as I learn more about myself and the world.
Thanks for listening,
-R