Some Assembly Required

@JaneQSmythe - As for the casual sex, I've always been that bloody innocent type which prefers to not have sex unless there is a damn good chance of a relationship. I know most guys would have their jaws drop going WTF!?!?!?! I don't know... It would be a bit much to explain how I felt through the last 2-3 friends/relationships like that. Basically I walked away from each friendship, getting serious when they would not commit or even acknowledge we were close but threw sex on the table like it's totally nothing lets just fuck! which leads me to think hmm really so how many guys are you banging besides me... half the city?

I posted on another topic how I think I have more of a stereotypical "female" or fem personality. I'm more emotional, sensitive, seem to be always giving, always trying to help, always trying to "make things work" putting my own feelings aside to save those of others till I finally explode at some point. I don't give a shit about "acting manly" as many guys do if I'm called a pussy or gay as I have been so many times I just laugh and think yeah "typical male... PIG!" sometimes I really do hate having to be with the same label as every other man.

As for privacy, I do feel safe wearing my boxers and no shirt at night when her parents are asleep from about 9pm till 5:30am... After that I can't excatly be *cough* taking care of my needs as the door they open to enter the living room is only about 5 feet away and in plain sight... *looks over* well from the back and side view, lol. Otherwise we have 5 cats, 2 med/large dogs, a mouse, 2 rats, and 2 bearded dragons... it's mainly the dogs and cats which make our personal time very difficult in the living room. Even to cuddle and watch a movie we go into the bedroom and watch it on the tv there.

;) about the front yard, we have a solid wood table on the side of the house, driveway but huge tarp like a cover for a camper over it so it's more of a sitting area, we like to eat outside when it's comfortable. I did some prep placement etc and it would work great for some fun.

@SNeacail - We did yet *sighs* again tonight. These same issues and problems have been ongoing for years! My/our first time suggesting another woman move in with us was mainly to help in this area lacking. We knew nothing of poly back then but besides the sex for me it was also to help with income having a roommate paying part of the rent and extra being in some sorta of relationship with her.

I guess the biggest problem is (no offense to women) I must really be like a chick. I always want to cuddle, fondle, etc. I need to have touching as signs of affection showing T does love me, wants me, needs me. I also DO love when she does the wifey things sometimes like making us dinner, sitting outside eating then holding hands while talking.

As of the last month I finally after telling her for years what I like, what makes me feel good I was blunt and while cuddling in bed after a hot fantasy about S and P, I told her but I NEED her to open up, saying "You don't have to tell me your deep dark fantasies I know that would be private but... being totally honest, nothing taboo I mean nothing! What would would turn you on right now..." As she started to think I added "...to me!" with a grin.

That is when our other play started and I felt so much more connected being able to openly be a bit submissive and have her willing to fulfill and meet those needs. It was bliss and still keeps things exciting daily and is part of helping her open up, become more sexually empowered.

Now sure if anyone knows of the movie "Secretary" ;) basically a sub guiding, training someone to become a Dom. Although not quite at the point yet of pissing her off to get a good punishment :eek: LOL.

After a loooong day, I think she was very hurt when I dumped everything out. About the lack sex, about how "since I had no choice with S I really don't give a shit what you think about anyone I get! Even if it's someone you hate, you know like Niclole! (a woman we knew and later found out shes a hooker) It's about time I get MY needs met! After all isn't that why were doing this damn thing! Basically that it's like I am a cockold but I'm not getting any of my needs met out of it. We CANNOT be in this situation now while doing this NOT ANYMORE! Not when we are BOTH getting our needs met elsewhere because you bloody well you know what happens!

It's not like I'm bragging but as I've vented my issues about our marriage to various people over the years the responses has been "Why the fuck to you put up with that!?" "She doesn't know what she has and likely never will till she loses it" I've been told several times if I'm that unhappy leave T.. and this was NOT by other women who wanted me for themselves but random people I'd chat with online. Even before the talk of a woman joining us, a few girls said they would "help out" if I needed it... but stupid as I am I just cannot do that, NOT cheat and NOT just casual sex. I've told T several times over the last 10 years and yes I guess it sounded blunt and scary. I told her I will NEVER cheat on you, if it gets so bad I will let you know it's over! We can talk about it, but yeah.

We did talk ALOT about it tonight as I was scared, yeah even crying since I think was the first time ever it felt like my body, love, etc shut down today she tried to hug and do the things we normally do... but nothing, even tho I'm a guy. It's bloody sucks with "this I gotta be in it for the emotional connection" crap.

Repeated for like the 10th 20th time how yes I talk about sex, NO I in NO WAY have a problem with her and S having sex. But you know, do you love me? do you find me attractive? do you want me? do you need me?

I was going to go on but a area which may have been to private so I asked T's permission if I could be open and say it here. ...and we got debating if she actually had sex with S so I'll wrap this up.

My response to equal hers was "If I had a lapse and accepted someone like Laura (girl we both think is slutty and she hates) if we both got naked, I started to have sex "it was only partly in, it was just maybe 2 seconds if even that." before I decided OMG I CAN'T do this!

Was it sex? or in my case did I cheat? :p

Anyways I think we're good won't be dragging this into an argument but seems T and I have different idea of what sex is. But seems if this situation personally applied to me. It's not sex in her opinion. Yay! I can have sex and it's not cheating as long as I only go partially in and only 2 seconds at a time LOL. Will have to found out how many seconds must it be out before entering it again to have a reset on the timer so it continues to not count and not be considered cheating in my case.

Sorry being silly, *deep breath* hopefully we're good I think I just have to be more on top of things reminding her of what I want. Instead of waiting to feel loved by her as I usually have. She is more like the man, going OMG what!? You never said you wanted... VS myself emotional well if you cared, blah blah whaaaa you'd have. Yup! We're screwed up at times :D
 
Will have to found out how many seconds must it be out before entering it again to have a reset on the timer so it continues to not count and not be considered cheating in my case.

Ooooh, you are a bad bunny ;)

Ahem, we did get our needs met, several times ;) We may have some heated moments, but they certainly make for great make up nookie :cool:
 
Gonna be bad if we get into personal chat back and forth on here since we are sitting about 3 feet between eachother :p

Yeah I was going to end it on that good note about the sex but kinda got distracted with the debate we had going on.

So yeah I can't argue maybe it doesn't count when you compare it time wise ;)

*bad bunny waits for a sore tail later*
 
Instead of waiting to feel loved by her as I usually have. She is more like the man, going OMG what!? You never said you wanted... VS myself emotional well if you cared, blah blah whaaaa you'd have. Yup! We're screwed up at times :D

My husband and I spent a lot of years doing this :rolleyes:. He needed "touch", and I needed "acts of service". Of course, what happened was that, I couldn't stand to touch him (or be touched) because he wouldn't help me around the house and vice versa. It wasn't until I discovered "The 5 Love Languages" that we finally had that AH HA moment. Neither of us understood how the lack of these things was part of what was tearing us apart. We spent nearly 20 years building resentments and walls between each other :(, that we are just now starting to break down.

Seriously, COMMUNICATION is absolute key to a relationship, especially if you're living together. We may think we are expressing our needs, wishes, desires, etc., when in fact it's being interpreted completely different. Get books, websites, etc on how to communicate, start with a "tag search" on this forum there's lots of great information and little tricks that are very helpful.
 
Well not going on and on to cause problems... we're doing pretty good today but as I am typing this it's turning into giving our history and I guess my thinking out loud or in txt.

Yeah T and I have been that bad, I believe that was our worst time at the old apartment. The resentment grew, I daily said how it feels like we're just roommates, I thought of her as a lazy child, like I was a parent that had to take care of my kid. I was in the same boat, I felt sick, disgusted when she would touch me, even when I was horny it was at the point thinking "with you!?" Yeah it may be personal but others may have had it happen when it's so bad the body just doesn't respond.

She's always been ok if I looked at porn, cybered, etc since I worked with adult websites even before we met. I think that was the bottom of the pit if that was not there I would have not had anything stopping my fall. It would have been over years ago when we hit those worst times.

Thinking of S and P as I type this...

I would call her my kid in a joking way just to deal with it, a way to just cope with it all. Till one day I was babying her on the street asking if shes ok and she snapped saying QUIT TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING CHILD! My response was QUIT ACTING LIKE ONE! I NOT A PEDO, I MARRIED A WOMAN WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GO!? as I gentle shook her shoulders looking into her eyes. Shes has such a huge wall up I guess it cracked a little that day.

The biggest problem over the years. I'm passive, I'll do my part but wait to see if she loves me (from my pov) if she will follow true on her promises to talk, to work on our relationship. When she flakes out I feel hurt and stop working on it too, the resentment builds. Till it builds weeks later when I insult her or my anger and resentment shows. Then she is surprised asking where the hell did this come from, what did I do!? We have been doing so good... Not from my perspective.

That has been the history of our relationship since early on (over 10 years), I wait for her to show she loves me when she doesn't show it (in a way I can understand) I don't want to hurt her, I bottle up the pain and feelings of neglect as long as I possibly can till it needs to come out somewhere. I explode, I yell telling her how I feel, shes shocked, cries.. We both cry, both promise to do what is needed to keep the relationship going. I feel in bliss for 1-2 days, 3-4 coming down slowly slide to normal. 4th plus shes mostly back to our :( normal as it were. But yes the problem is I never remind her, I figured she made the promises if she loves me and cares about the relationship isn't it important enough to remember and continue to work on it.

I was worried yesterday with my feelings. With the thought of how yeah the sex was balanced or lack there of when I'm her husband, I'm the primary. Of course this shot up the feelings of does she really love me... as much... feelings spinning out of control. Further increasing my panic to find my 2nd relationship, as I wrote thinking should I just look for whoever I can get, for whatever I can get to keep this relationship together.

It's been maybe 5 years since I "shut down" like I did... again. She had no clue as we lay in bed asking what's wrong. In my mind I was thinking to myself FUaaaaaaCK is it over!? If I find someone I like to meet my needs, if T and I ignore our issues as usual. We will both have an "out" now. Will she take hers, will I take mine or just continue in pain, or will the my 2nd help to null our primary problems.

I can't remember what I said next I was too out of it, something about if we break up. More of a possibility since we opened this damn door.

Well... Aug 13th - Day 1...
 
@JaneQSmythe
Many posters here have lamented that it DOES seem easier for poly women than poly men to find potential partners.

It's pretty much the same anywhere even in general dating sites. Sometimes the men outnumber women 10to1, 3to1 would be the lowest possible I'd think. Plus add on general dating sites many people are turned-off or even disgusted by Polyamory as I said before it's like a 3 strikes your out everytime. I'm a common Male among hundreds, I'm married, I'm Poly and looking for another woman. The only people who seem to be ok with that all is swingers and unhappy married women looking to cheat. Now that T is with S and I'd be without a "female" for the swingers lessens that chance... I think. Never really looked into what swingers want but again with it being just sex that's a turn-off unless he is bi too, some fetishes were involved to add that spark. I did *in a shuffling my feet sorta way* bring up the idea the idea to T about would she... be willing to try again with a new couple if we could find one. (Still keep S but possibly...) She said she'd have to really like the guy she wouldn't just fuck around... Thought about it and then LOL'ed. She asked what! Said "Well with my luck, what if AGAIN... you develop feelings for the man, the wife doesn't work out with me and you got TWO GUYS and I'm still zip, nada, zero, LOL" Now THAT would be a FML moment! :p

As for casual sex, I really don't know. Yes I LOVE sex like any guy but I'm way more about the emotional side of things unless the partner and I could cook up some sort of fantasy or be into fetishes that turn me on just having a woman laying there silent to screw it'd be slim chance of having an orgasm without some kind of interaction, emotions, feelings, etc.

On top of that it's always been difficult to not get attached, not develop love for someone, I always have that feeling and need I'm attracted to you, thus I love you, thus I want some type of relationship. I know it's different being Poly but as T says I'm still thinking like a Mono too often. *shrugs* That is just one part of me I don't know how to change right now. Even since a teenager since I was first interested in girls, yes some were hot but 2nd thought was and still IS always "what is she like?" going out with, living with, what is her personality, etc not like most guys thinking who cares I so want to BANG HER right NOW!

I have a damn good relationship with T, I don't mind she's with another man since we share a very strong connection as it is. With a new woman I'm not sure if I would still feel hurt knowing shes with a bunch of other guys and without the "connection" I can just get off faster myself with some good porn or just my imagination ;) *thinking here* I guess I see it as something like paying a hooker, just do it, no feelings, go home. I could use the $200 for WAY better things :p

There was one woman's profile I saw locally OKC who I kept telling T would be FUCKING PERFECT. WOW! married, older, beautiful, a dom, had thoughts she mmm could break my being bi-curious if I don't have a choice :eek: following her orders hehe being bi-curious gotta admit I have thought about M/F couples before. With being older, a dom AND fetishes that would have been some damn good connections and sparks... fuck that it would be a raging forest fire! (But never got a response back from her and likely blew it since this was before T gave me some advice on how to make my profiles, write messages, etc.) it was a 1st message TMI B-O-M-B. I really liked her so thought OMG I gotta tell her EVERYTHING!!! More chance she'll see something in there she likes about me. Sent it. When I asked T later what she thought of it, she was stunned. (In a jaw dropping to the floor way straight outa the movie The Mask) Pretty much said WTF you sent here e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, showed all your cards, whats left to talk about! Nothing. T-M-I!

Now I try to go by what she says, 3 paragraphs 4 max if you need. Intro, something relating about her and wrap it up with looking forward to contact, how to, etc. Instead of a first message being 5-7 pages long :eek:

@SNeacail
My husband and I spent a lot of years doing this :rolleyes:. He needed "touch", and I needed "acts of service". Of course, what happened was that, I couldn't stand to touch him (or be touched) because he wouldn't help me around the house and vice versa. It wasn't until I discovered "The 5 Love Languages" that we finally had that AH HA moment. Neither of us understood how the lack of these things was part of what was tearing us apart.

I'm trying to think back, I think I've told T at least a few times over the years what I like, what I need about the touching. Previously her issue was touching, led to fondling which led to sex and I guess with her feelings of me that was a big no way!

Add there was and still is times she acts like shes turned on, says we'll do something that night. It never happens, I know now because I never remind her and I have to remember that. I'd wait and wait, it gets later and I think she's just going to let me down again, it's what always happens. She gets tired ready for bed, sometimes I'd not say a word and just feel hurt other times I'd say something and she would just say she's "sorry I promise tomorrow" same thing happens. It got to the point I would joke or mock her when she made those promises "Oooh I'm so gonna jump you tonight!" sometimes it was really hard not to laugh at her, sometimes I'd just nod go about my day, never shower or anything *shrugs* because I knew what to expect from her, it wouldn't happen. I'd take care of myself on the computer, etc crawl into bed later.

It was pretty much to the point we never talked to eachother except for good morning, love you, love you too. Hours later, what do you want for dinner? whose making dinner, are there any clean dishes? Lastly she says ok I'm going to bed, ok love you, love you too. This while like now we spend almost all our time at home sitting 5 feet away from eachother... Yet I felt so alone.

It's no where that bad now, things are WAY BETTER in this house since we moved from our last place. But there still are the moments. One of my last rants here was after 4 days of those "promises" but yes my fault too since I'm used to how we work, she promises of something and I take the path of well I'll believe it when it happens and not remind her thinking if she cares she'll remember about me.

I can see and know I have to change my biggest fault. Killing a good relationship between us by being passive then hurt and yeah that is part of the communication.

Anyways long post as usual. Wanted to add that 5languages of love results I got.

10 Quality Time (listed #1)
10 Physical Touch
7 Acts of Service
3 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts

For anyone wondering about this test
5 Love Languages
 
Add there was and still is times she acts like shes turned on, says we'll do something that night. It never happens, I know now because I never remind her and I have to remember that. I'd wait and wait, it gets later and I think she's just going to let me down again, it's what always happens. She gets tired ready for bed, sometimes I'd not say a word and just feel hurt other times I'd say something and she would just say she's "sorry I promise tomorrow" same thing happens. It got to the point I would joke or mock her when she made those promises "Oooh I'm so gonna jump you tonight!" sometimes it was really hard not to laugh at her, sometimes I'd just nod go about my day, never shower or anything *shrugs* because I knew what to expect from her, it wouldn't happen. I'd take care of myself on the computer, etc crawl into bed later.

It was pretty much to the point we never talked to eachother except for good morning, love you, love you too. Hours later, what do you want for dinner? whose making dinner, are there any clean dishes? Lastly she says ok I'm going to bed, ok love you, love you too. This while like now we spend almost all our time at home sitting 5 feet away from each other... Yet I felt so alone.

Please don't take this wrong, but ROFLMAO:D!

It is absolutely a lonely way to live! This was almost exactly my life for a very long time. What I learned and am still trying to teach my husband. SPEAK UP - IN THE OUT LOUD VOICE! I am not a mind reader. Both of us would sit around waiting for the other to "make a move" and then both get irritated and feel slighted when it didn't happen.

I still have to remind my husband that just because I seem tired or involved with something, don't assume I won't drop it in an instant if he voices that he'd like sex or cuddle time, etc. Also don't assume that I can read all the non-verbal hints, because after 20 years, we've established that I CAN'T. There may be times, when I'm not feeling up to sex, but would be happy with cuddling. In the same light, it also works in reverse. Life is so much better when we actually VOICE (in the out loud voice:p) our needs, wants and desires. Our partner may actually surprise us and be up to grant it. We still have times where we slip back into old habits, but we're learning and working on it.

Love Language:
I'm - Acts of Service & Quality Time - about equally
Husband - #1 Touch & #2 Words of Affirmation

Knowing each others language has made a great difference. I can make the effort to touch him when I walk through the room or reach out a hand or foot while trying to sleep. The more we have touched, the more I crave and need it also, to the point where it's vying for position with the other two languages. In turn, he has made a bigger effort to give me help when I ask for it.

You mentioned earlier that you would whine about stuff. I found that this is NOT communicating and the recipient tends to tune you out at this point. State the problem, then ask how are WE going to fix it. Now a discussion can start and the recipient isn't feeling attacked. Know your audience, I have a tendency to think out loud and need to list all the difference scenarios, which just looses my husband. He will either just assume I have picked either the first one or the last one and there is nothing for him to do or contribute. I've had to learn to just state the problem and wait for him to answer, although I do have to remind and prod him to fill me in on his decision or line of thinking.

It seems like writing down some of your thought is helpful to you, keep doing it. Many of us find that helpful, as you can see from the blog section:p.
 
I'm trying to think back, I think I've told T at least a few times over the years what I like, what I need about the touching. Previously her issue was touching, led to fondling which led to sex and I guess with her feelings of me that was a big no way!

Just want to pop in here and say my problems/issues had nothing to do with my feelings for you! They were my own insecurities and allowing myself to be controlled by past happenings (newly discovered memories of being molested as a child). I allowed my own fears and hurts guide my value as a woman, as a person. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed that. It was and is all on me. If I continue to allow such things to be my guide as to how I should behave and react, then I will get no where fast.

Add there was and still is times she acts like shes turned on, says we'll do something that night. It never happens, I know now because I never remind her and I have to remember that. I'd wait and wait, it gets later and I think she's just going to let me down again, it's what always happens. She gets tired ready for bed, sometimes I'd not say a word and just feel hurt other times I'd say something and she would just say she's "sorry I promise tomorrow" same thing happens. It got to the point I would joke or mock her when she made those promises "Oooh I'm so gonna jump you tonight!" sometimes it was really hard not to laugh at her, sometimes I'd just nod go about my day, never shower or anything *shrugs* because I knew what to expect from her, it wouldn't happen. I'd take care of myself on the computer, etc crawl into bed later.

(snipped)

It's no where that bad now, things are WAY BETTER in this house since we moved from our last place. But there still are the moments. One of my last rants here was after 4 days of those "promises" but yes my fault too since I'm used to how we work, she promises of something and I take the path of well I'll believe it when it happens and not remind her thinking if she cares she'll remember about me.

I can see and know I have to change my biggest fault. Killing a good relationship between us by being passive then hurt and yeah that is part of the communication.

This is also something I need to work on. I have shitty short term memory, mainly due to medication I've been on. I have to work on the follow-through on my end. If I promise something, I have to do it. Otherwise don't promise it ;)

I also need to speak up and voice my needs and wants. It's been getting easier, for sure ;) But it's a life time of repressing what I want and need that I am fighting (as you know, for you it is a life time of being the good guy and not bluntly saying what you want or need). But we're getting a hell of a lot better at it (thinks of last night) :D

These are my Love Languages:

Love Language Scores:
7 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
7 Receiving Gifts
4 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch
Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score:
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It's not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you. The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don't affect you very much on an emotional level.

I'd like to point out that the gifts I desire are small things, like a little post it note with I Love You Honey on it. I don't care for material things, $$$, etc...I like it when my love spends time on something (like a doodle, a mixed tape, etc) for me :)
 
Also don't assume that I can read all the non-verbal hints, because after 20 years, we've established that I CAN'T.

Haha, this is me! I am oblivious! I never ever caught on to these things, so unless it is voiced, I am not going to "get" it, haha! :p
 
Been a long few days. Some good some not so good. Today I kind of fell apart, realizing I don't have a whole lot of support. My mum seems to think I am going to run off with my boyfriend (was S, now calling him Music).

Turns out my dad (step dad)'s parents were poly and in a quad relationship for years. His mum left his dad for her lover. They married and were together for 25+ years until he passed away last year. She thinks I will run away with Music and leave Storm all alone. She doesn't see the good in this relationship, only the potential bad. I do understand her fears, but I wish she (and others) would understand that I am not stupid, nor would I ever just up and leave my marriage!

Now, I don't usually value my family's opinion that much when it comes to my love life, but I felt a huge let down. If Music and I stay together for the long haul (which is what we are planning), he will be a part of my family unit. Anyone wanting to stay in my life will need to accept that and him. I'm not asking them to jump on board and love him, but respect and acceptance is needed.

I am glad that we are taking it slow. Music has come out to some of his friends, and introduced me as his girlfriend. I am finding that P (whom I will call Petal), seems jealous about me, but in an indirect way. She is quick to point out that she is the primary and that she had Music first. I let her know I am fine being the secondary, because we're just dating at this point and there is no need for rumble-strutting (anyone with guinea pigs may understand this, it's like stomping around, puffing up and being the bigger pig, but it's usually only a dominance thing, not truly leading to fighting).

Anyways, I got to chat with Music tonight, and I feel better. He said that I just need to love myself, Storm and whomever I want to love. And that he will be there when I need to talk, which is lovely.

Next thing is for me to meet up with my bestie and talk to her. She knows nothing about this, except that we've been talking about it for years. I really need a day out, ha!

On a good note, I am planning my next date with Music. Planning on going to the movies (I have free passes) and maybe some start watching by the lake. Nothing fancy, just love and fun :)
 
Well, Petal has all but stopped talking to me. She won't respond to me when we're in group chat, nor to anything I post on FB. I am thinking maybe I should remove her from FB or something, because it's weird being ignored like this.

After spending 2 hours chatting with Music on Skype, he informed me he is on the verge of formally ending it with her. He's discovered that she is saying how "disgusted" she is about his physical appearance to everyone but him. He's pissed about it, since she's also gained weight over the last 5 years.

We've been discussing hanging out more (Storm, Music and I), so that the men can become friends, and we can all be comfortable with the V relationship. I would love for both men to be friends. They don't need to be best buds or anything, but friends with mutual respect would be a good fit ;)

Oh! Storm is on the phone, right now, with a woman :D I know, it's not much, but this is the first step for him, the first woman interested in getting to know him :D I am so proud I could burst! I hope it all goes well, he's been chatting for nearly an hour ;)

Music and I are planning a date end of the month, beginning of September. Depends on if we have the money to meet. I may take the bus out there for a bit, if things are ok (meaning if Petal is no longer there, as it would be awkward and not polite on my part to visit while they are not in a good place). Otherwise he will come out here. Storm helps me to plan out dates, what to do that's cheap or free, where to go for star gazing and snuggling, etc. I'm glad he's so supportive! He really is an amazing man <3

We lost a few pets this week :( My guinea pig died, then my mouse, and on Saturday we have to send my Golden Retriever puppy back to the breeder. We're slowly cutting down on pets, though we've had 8 die in the past year alone. It's getting sad.
 
Well, things came to head tonight. Music broke my #1 Rule: You have NO RIGHT to demand I leave Storm. Even if things get bumpy with he and I, we are married and NO ONE has the right to tell me what to do. Thus, Music is no more. Oh well, I'm actually not very bummed by it. Says a lot :p
 
Well we've had our own issues but lately I try to deal with it quicker directly with Glitter rather than venting on here or anywhere else. Tonight we had a massive blow up while I thought we would be dealing with things and calming the situation down out on a 5k walk.

I did mention people keep telling me grow-up, grow a set of balls, etc (even by Glitter) and yes I did tell someone I'm not sure how much more I can take in our marriage and if I should start preparing for a break-up with Glitter as things continue going downhill and we both are feeling hurt more and more. This was pounced on by Petal (or whatever the heck her name is now lol) she instantly started a group chat for counseling, Petal and Music on voice, Glitter and myself typing and it was extremely hard to follow to say the least!

Three of four of us were very angry and all ranting, eventually Petal turned into bashing and picking a side too. Accusations back and forth. I even bluntly said don't you think it's a little weird Music in here *cough* helping us with OUR relationship and our marriage when ofc he's jumping on every little thing bashing me since he likes Glitter and I'm made out to by the "bad guy"

So yeah it didn't end to well when Music threatening to bash my face in if he sees me. After the chat ended with alot of fuck yous and come say that to my face!!! I told Glitter Music pretty much sealed the deal he is NEVER welcome in our house EVER and in fact I do NOT want him on our property as he does have violence problems since childhood and it continues to this day and I would also take ANY measures to defend myself! Since he's bragged what he's capable of. They could still date I have always said I'm not jealous but yeah she would have to meet him elsewhere not be picked up at home.

I was also feeling guilty as just yesterday I was telling Glitter how if Music and I could spend more time hanging-out, if I got to know the side Glitter sees not the asshole ego side I think we could be good friends and it would go a long ways to build a trust in him even to the point of us all being "comfortable" *cough* with whatever in our own home. Sighs, how quickly things change :(

On the positive side with our blow-up (Glitter and I) had tonight then the blow-up with all 4 of us in chat, this drastically renewed the idea of looking at working at our relationship and counseling both personal and marriage since we are both bringing our own problems and baggage into any new relationships and it's causing alot of sparks to fly... and NOT in a good way LOL.

I'm REALLY hoping we can make it out to our local munch next month and it would be so nice if we could take things slower as we better ourselves, make new friends "meaning friends only" into Poly or an alternative lifestyle and have that boost within our relationship being able to just hang out with other people as friends. Ease the stress of our lives and our relationship having people outside our family and relationship to talk with, hang-out with, etc.

Without the panic race with either of us in the OMG I NEED to find a relationship NOW!!! (so I feel better... meaning glitter or myself. We both tend to want to jump right in to get that feeling.)
 
I can tell you that it is worth it if you can work on the relationship between the two of you. It is NOT a fast fix! There will be set backs! It is worth it.

For me, after we started working with a counselor, things seemed to get better right away, until our next big fight and the feeling of hopelessness and absolute despair seemed to hit harder. This was extremely hard for me to deal with. However, we were able to recover faster. We have been working on things for 2 years now and while things are much better than they have been in nearly 15 years, there no where near where I think they should be. I still have doubts and wish I could afford to go back into counceling. 21 years of bad communication habits are hard to break.

Good luck!
 
It will be very difficult... I am pushing for us to work on things, for Glitter to pick up and follow through on her tasks. ie once case we were about to give up one of our dogs we've only had for about a month since he's not trained in anything including housebroken and Glitter always forgets to work with him. So tonight we talked about it she agreed it's ok if I kick her ass reminding her she NEEDS to work with him. On my end I'll have to take our other dog out for a walk or in the yard to play so she can train the other.

As for the poly situation, I wish things could be slowed down NOT close the door on as she panics but just work on us FIRST at least for a while as it may be unneeded worrying but I do worry things may just revert to the problems we have been feeling now but all over again.

Last night was the first time as my name goes I STORMED off, I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with her, while I would never hit her I just felt stay away from me you #&@!$ first time I seriously considered is it over?! How can I prepare for the break-up so I'm not homeless on the street. Find friends or someone else for support, maybe a relationship. Hell maybe if I was someones slave 24/7 the mind just tossing out any options which may be possible. I used to be depressed and yes had thoughts of that which we should never mention, lol. Now sine Poly opened up it's more anger and the thoughts it's not like we're "stuck together" anymore. If she can't suck it up help me, help us, help the relationship while it is difficult there may be other options out there.

I've finally came out and told her each time we're fighting and she yells "grow a set of fucking balls" I'm no longer the depressed "nice guy" feeling worthless, I have bloody options now. She opened up that Poly door and never wants to close it so yes when I'm PISSED at home ofc I'm thinking man it would be so great having a woman who actually wants a relationship and is willing to make it work, to feel happy with. everytime we fight and she tells me this she just doesn't know what she is encouraging.

She keeps saying I need to balls up and contact more women that's the only way I can find someone. I guess when we fight now I'm more and more thinking it's just natural, if we are unstable, if I feel like shit at home with her... common sense is I'd rather be with another woman, anyone that makes me feel better than our issues which are never getting dealt with.

We do have plans to work on things, schedules, counseling, maybe up my meds, change hers... I just really fukin hope we can BOTH follow through on all this to help us stay together!
 
So. this week has been one massive, interesting, annoying, satisfying and confusing week. Storm has let me know that he is NOT ok with poly. At least that is what I think he said. He's not outright said if he has an issue with it or not. He worries that I will neglect him, so for now I've removed my profiles and am not seeking any outside relationships. I want him to feel secure and loved, before adding in any more ingredients to the pot.

This is a bit tough for me. Not the not seeking others. Just knowing, having experienced it, that I am poly. Storm has not been with anyone else, so I don't know what he thinks of that (is he? isn't he? etc).

I have learned and now understand that he does enjoy my energy when I am pursuing another (or am being pursued). He says that he does not have problems with me dating another. I think the problems come when he knows the person. He has long hated most typical males, and that is a trigger for him. Do I simply not introduce them? Wait until it is more than a date or two before introducing? Ugh, I've never been in this spot, and am completely confused.

So I don't know what to do.

Do I close the poly door and hide what I really want, who I am, for the sake of my husband's feelings? Do I take this break, and later (say a month or however long it need be) silently start seeking another? Do I seek regardless? I won't do that, it isn't who I am. I am just having a lot of things go through my head.

Will he ever be "ok" with me dating another? I'm not looking for someone to move in, to be my life partner, etc. I am wanting a guy to date. To have fun. To do different things with, that Storm and I do not do (e.g. camping, fishing, art galleries, etc). I'm not looking to replace him, by any means. I want someone else, as well as him. Am I being greedy?
 
I think you both had this idea that once you decided to open up your relationship, you should both then pursue other people and everything would be equal. Storm seemed to be mostly upset that he couldn't find anyone while you had. Thing is, it's not a race. Equanimity is not the same as equal. Life happens as it happens, and you can't expect both of you to find partners at the exact same time.

I think it's good that you're taking a break from poly, because it also seems that you do need to both work on being more compassionate and giving toward each other before being intimate with other people. Build the foundation of your relationship to be stronger and more loving. Focus on being kind to each other yet direct and honest, and look inwardly at yourselves to see where the fears, insecurities, and addictions are. I think perhaps you may need to change a few things in your home environment, too.

When it feels right, and not a moment before, you can spend some more time discussing and figuring out exactly what kind of non-monogamy is reasonable for you. Accept fully that it could even be a year or two or more of one of you having an additional partner while the other one doesn't. If each of you are centered within yourselves, and in a strong place in your relationship, that should be much easier to accept and handle. Then, take baby steps.
 
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Thank you Cindie! Last night as I was heading for bed (he wanted to stay up and play WoW, I had a tooth ache, so early night for me), I told him I had posted on here if he wanted to read it and see if there is more we needed to talk about. Turns out he had wanted to talk about it all night, but it was our date night (aka our Gordon Ramsey night), and he knew it would end up being a good hour or more long convo if he brought it up during the shows.

So we lay in bed, talking about what we want to do (take it slow), what we want for each other (starting to attend monthly Munch's, and get to know more people in the kink community, without there being any pressure), and what we'd like in the future (I don't want a second husband, I want to date a man or woman, or both or either, and do things every now and then, that Storm doesn't enjoy, such as camping, art museums, horror movies, etc).

We spent a good amount of time just talking. It was wonderful that it came from an honest place, and not out of anger, hurt or worry. No tears, nothing angry, etc. It was good!

We decided to make friends first...so that there is some sort of foundation. If anything becomes more for either of us, then wonderful. But we're not pushing for each other to find another person, etc. No more racing. No more trying to force something that isn't there.

We also set up some boundaries so that we can share some aspects (for example, if I am chatting with someone from OKC, then I can tell him I'm chatting with a friend, and leave it at that - if it's a cyber convo, I can share parts of it later, that help he and I enjoy our sexy time together; he can do the same, he need not tell me everything and can share what he feels comfortable with sharing).

We both understand that this can and will take time to develop. No need to run head first into a brick wall, haha. I know women have a tendency to get more responses on dating sites (I get many every day, but honestly 99% are nothing I would reply to), but hopefully Storm now sees it as I've been seeing it:

QUANTITY =/= QUALITY

Meaning many fish swim by, but I'm looking for something very specific, and won't be trying to catch and bring home all of them :p

I've also realized that I honestly don't want another husband. I am not looking for a life partner, because I have no desire to replace Storm. He's my main squeeze, I love him and it's for life. Anyone extra is simply that, extra.

I compare it to eating chicken fingers (I know, weird!): we both love the chicken finger platter from Denny's, and we always get honey mustard dipping sauce. But every now and then, I would love to try a sweet and sour sauce, a BBQ sauce, etc. Doesn't mean I will change and only want the others, because my honey mustard is my favorite and my staple. I just like a taste of the others now and then.

Ok, I shall shut up now :p I can feel the pain killers (for my broken tooth) still working and I am rambling off again. Storm did say he read this and was hoping others would jump in and offer advice, so thank you again Cindie ;) I'm also very glad that he and I are on the same table and are not closing the door entirely, just taking it much slower ;)
 
We decided to make friends first...so that there is some sort of foundation. If anything becomes more for either of us, then wonderful.

This would be my approach as well. While I can have NSA sex with people that I am only physically attracted to, I can't imagine having an actual relationship with someone unless I would want to be friends with them regardless.


I've also realized that I honestly don't want another husband. I am not looking for a life partner, because I have no desire to replace Storm. He's my main squeeze, I love him and it's for life. Anyone extra is simply that, extra.

I think that it is perfectly fine to say up front what you are looking for - an "extra" guy to date and do things with that Storm doesn't enjoy. I would be careful though of completely ruling out the "life partner option" and making promises to that effect - you can't always predict the twists and turns that your life and loves will take. I've identified as poly for 20 years and always assumed that, as a bi-girl, any serious OSO would be female - so I could have "one of each" - but then I went and fell for a 2nd guy...

I wouldn't count Dude as a "life partner" just yet (we have only been together for 17 months) but it could turn out that way - he's lived with us the whole time and it is his stated desire to be around for "a long time". If it sticks then what? MrS gets booted? HELL NO! I'll simply have two "life partners" - one of whom is also my husband.


I compare it to eating chicken fingers (I know, weird!): we both love the chicken finger platter from Denny's, and we always get honey mustard dipping sauce. But every now and then, I would love to try a sweet and sour sauce, a BBQ sauce, etc. Doesn't mean I will change and only want the others, because my honey mustard is my favorite and my staple. I just like a taste of the others now and then.

OK, fair enough analogy. You know you will ALWAYS like honey mustard - not a problem, no doubts there. But what if Denny's develops some brand new "Ultra Ranch AWESOME Sauce"? You like it too. As much as you like honey mustard. You've been eating honey mustard for years...you're not bored with it but you know most of what it has to offer.

You would likely have some kind of NRE experience with your new taste sensation - ordering it 2 out of 3 times and checking in with honey mustard every third time just to confirm that you like it as much as you always have - YOU DO. In fact, you appreciate it even more because you have some contrast to compare it to which causes you to notice all of the things that drew you to honey mustard in the first place - things that you had forgotten because you were used to how it tasted.

Then the NRE settles down - AWESOME sauce "catches up" with honey mustard (because you have been eating a LOT of it). Actually, now that you have been choosing AWESOME sauce so often you begin to see it's flaws - still love it, but honey mustard has some attributes that AWESOME sauce lacks. AWESOME sauce is now a staple as well. Different but equally satisfying. Sometimes you are in the mood for one, sometimes the other - and SOMETIMES (>gasp<:eek:) you throw caution to the wind and order BOTH.

I guess my point is - you haven't tasted AWESOME sauce yet...it hasn't been invented. Your present self can't make promises about how your future self will feel about AWESOME sauce. You CAN say that you know that honey mustard will always be your staple, that you will never NOT like honey mustard. You CAN say that none of the other sauces you have ever tried has come close to what honey mustard has to offer...but you can't say that none ever will.

(It took me 19 years to run into my own personal "AWESOME sauce"...I wasn't really looking, then again I wasn't really looking when I found my honey mustard. Keeping your taste buds open to new experiences can lead to...new experiences.)

Jane("I-like-honey-mustard-AND-ranch")Q
 
So true JaneQ! I hadn't really thought about that...if I attempt to limit what "may" happen, then I can very well miss the opportunity. I think I am worried about bringing in someone else, and how it will affect Storm. But then, he could very well find another and bring her in ;) I think I need to be open to what may happen, because you never know ;)
 
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