Care and Feeding of Friends with Benefits

opalescent

Active member
I've been knocking around on the forum for a bit now and would like folk's thoughts on ethical friends with benefits relationships.

By friends with benefits, I mean relationships that are not meant to be primary bonds.

Here's the background - always helpful to know! As you know, Beloved is my wife; Pool Boy is her male lover. I've recently started seeing SW, the friend with benefits in question. Beloved and SW have been introduced, and Beloved has 'signed off' as it were. There's been some minor bumps in the road which required some reassurance on my part to Beloved but so far, things are going well.

I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with SW, and I've also enjoying exploring heterosexual sex with him. (I was a 'gold star' lesbian e - a term for a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I've never liked that label, it was largely by accident of life experiences that I had not slept with a man before. Anyhoo, that's probably a whole other thread...)

Like others on the forum, I do not need to be in love to have sex with someone. (I have no problem with folks who feel otherwise but I know this to be true for myself.) I do need to like and respect them. I care about SW, I want him to be well, I want his other relationships to succeed (he has a primary girlfriend) and so on.

I've taken a look at the casual sex, primary/secondary and other 'golden nugget' threads which are very interesting and helpful. But they did not touch on some of the questions and thoughts I've had about FWB.

For instance, I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
 
This line popped out at me:
"'term limited' relationship"

I'm no expert, but, relationships aren't static and they are constantly changing and re-forming...there is no such thing as 'forever'...it could be, but no one ever knows what's going to happen...be it any relationship: from friendships to casual interactions and what not.

Unless you both decided that you are going to stop having sex with each other on June 24th at 9am :p then, just enjoy the moment, care for each other and for all people involved and just develop, evolve, grow? no? :D
and when things change....they change?
 
This line popped out at me:
"'term limited' relationship"

I'm no expert, but, relationships aren't static and they are constantly changing and re-forming...there is no such thing as 'forever'...it could be, but no one ever knows what's going to happen...be it any relationship: from friendships to casual interactions and what not.

Unless you both decided that you are going to stop having sex with each other on June 24th at 9am :p then, just enjoy the moment, care for each other and for all people involved and just develop, evolve, grow? no? :D
and when things change....they change?

Not having sex with someone does not automatically translate to "love/relationship = not forever".
 
Very true Neon.

GG and I were friends for 2 years.
Then had sex.
Then friends for 5-6 years.
Then sexually involved again for a few months-then a few months off.
Then sexually involved again for a few months-then a few years off.

Now we are sexually involved again...

At NO POINT in all of that time were we not close, loving, romantically attracted and interested and involved in each other's day to day lives.......
:rolleyes:
 
I was just thinking along the lines of ~handling the 'term-limited' relationship~, the way you handle any relationship...because any other relationship can and most likely will change. Sex may come and go, love may come and go, friendships may come and go etc.

or maybe I'm just not quite sure on the question :eek:
hehe
 
friends for 2 years.
Then had sex.
Then friends for 5-6 years.
Then sexually involved again for a few months-then a few months off.
Then sexually involved again for a few months-then a few years off.

Now we are sexually involved again...

This part sounds familiar.

Except we don't live together.
 
For instance, I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
If you think about it, all relationships are term-limited, in a way. I mean there are always parameters within which the relationship functions, or by which it is essentially limited.

However, I think what you're asking is how to handle an ongoing sexual relationship that you pretty much know is not heading toward becoming a long-term, serious, committed partnership. Basically it's a friendship with sex, which is what I have with Shorty -- and it puzzles me alot of the time. I mean, I feel that, since we know ahead of time what the ground rules are, it should be fairly simple to know what to do and how to act. But what I keep coming up against is, since it is still new and we are still getting to know each other, I find myself constantly angling to make sure that my words or actions are not misunderstood. I keep thinking that if I express that I want to be with him, he will think I'm getting too attached. Next time I see him, I need to talk to him about that to clarify things a bit.

So, until it gets really familiar and you two know each other very well, I think it can be confusing what to do. But really, it's like any other friendship -- it needs communication and sensitivity to make sure everyone's on the same page. And since you don't have the added stress of hoping and wishing for it to "get serious," you can enjoy all the fun stuff without all the angst.

I hope that makes sense.
 
For instance, I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

One statement I've found to contain a great deal of wisdom is this: "This, too, shall pass."

That applies to the entire human experience--and relationships are not spared that fate. No relationship can be considered permanent, as each may end or transform according to how the currents of life eddy around us. We live the experience and grieve over loss and savor the memories.

Whether it involves a friendship with benefits or a deep, romantic love.
 
One statement I've found to contain a great deal of wisdom is this: "This, too, shall pass."

That applies to the entire human experience--and relationships are not spared that fate. No relationship can be considered permanent, as each may end or transform according to how the currents of life eddy around us. We live the experience and grieve over loss and savor the memories.

Whether it involves a friendship with benefits or a deep, romantic love.

I have at least one that transcends all that, I just can't prove it; and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
 
I had a very pleasant FWB fling/thing last week. A friend of a friend stayed with me for a week....and we had a very nice time togther ;)

We're very different people - I liked the differences, but certainly didn't see our week together as the start of something deeper/longer etc. I didn't think he viewed it as that either.

It's the assumptions that can be dangerous. Assuming you are on the same page.

As he was leaving town I said "Are we ok here ? Is there something we need to talk about ? If there's any feelings of vulnerability I'd like the opportunity for us to have a discussion about that".

"I think we're good, but thanks for checking, You ok ?"
"Yeah, I'm good too ! "

I felt good that I'd been pro-active in checking in on his feelings. We'll stay in touch via email...we've had some interesting chats since he left. I think it's important to firmly indicate you have respect for the way someone may be feeling....Regardless of the depth or longevity of a situation - I feel it's always ok to indicate that you care (provided you do care, of course), And I'm assuming you do.
 
I've been knocking around on the forum for a bit now and would like folk's thoughts on ethical friends with benefits relationships.

By friends with benefits, I mean relationships that are not meant to be primary bonds.

Here's the background - always helpful to know! As you know, Beloved is my wife; Pool Boy is her male lover. I've recently started seeing SW, the friend with benefits in question.

Hi opalescent. Nice name. I'm going to comment, and so you know, I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.

I've got a primary who is a transwoman, and a secondary who is a young straight male. I also date others that pique my interest.

I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with SW, and I've also enjoying exploring heterosexual sex with him. (I was a 'gold star' lesbian e - a term for a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I've never liked that label, it was largely by accident of life experiences that I had not slept with a man before. Anyhoo, that's probably a whole other thread...)

Congrats on finally getting to try out the other side! Must be quite fun to explore around a male body/psyche for a change.

Like others on the forum, I do not need to be in love to have sex with someone. (I have no problem with folks who feel otherwise but I know this to be true for myself.) I do need to like and respect them.

I'm the same way.

I care about SW, I want him to be well, I want his other relationships to succeed (he has a primary girlfriend) and so on.

... I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Yes, I am in a similar relationship. My boytoy, D, is 33 years younger than me. When we met he was a junior in college and working 30 hours a week at a pizza place. At finals and mid-terms times, he wouldnt communicate at all, and I respected and didn't question his need to focus on his work. Now, he's got his first real job (he's in finance) and works 9-5 and has seemed to have more time and energy for feeling more romantic and cuddly with me, besides the fantastic sex and nice talks we used to share. It's quite interesting. I never pushed him or had long drawn out talks about what our relationship means to him etc, because I sensed if I pushed him to feel more "boyfriendy" he'd withdraw. He hasn't sought out any other women besides me in 2 years (besides one short fling last summer that fell into his lap) because he knows he wouldn't be able to give a girl his age the attention a real gf deserves. I appreciated his ethics around this, and the sex and laughs we share are so precious to me, I've never pushed for more than he was able to comfortably give.

I know he now has a plan in place to continue working in NH for a couple years, then move on to Boston, NYC and ultimately the music biz in CA. So, yes, our relationship will change eventually, especially if/when he moves to NYC. Plus I also know there is always the potential he might meet a special girl and want to be mono with her. It wouldn't break my heart. I will treasure all the intense and fun times we did have together. I'm so grateful for being able to share time with him, I mostly just concentrate on the NOW.
 
I have at least one that transcends all that, I just can't prove it; and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It may not pass until the two of you are mouldering in the grave. Those are the really fun ones.
 
Magdlyn,

Can I be you when I grow up?

I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.

Congrats on finally getting to try out the other side! Must be quite fun to explore around a male body/psyche for a change.

It wouldn't break my heart. I will treasure all the intense and fun times we did have together. I'm so grateful for being able to share time with him, I mostly just concentrate on the NOW.

It has been! Although I have to admit I expected sex with men to be more different than sex with women than it has turned out so far. Still it's all good :D

You and NYCindie both understood what I was ineptly trying to say - there is lots on this board on managing multiple love relationships - and it's super helpful - but not a lot on managing those less intense relationships. Thanks for teasing that out better than I managed to do.

I often have trouble staying in the NOW - something I'm working on. And this FWB relationship is good for that!
 
I'm not sure what it is that is a concern... it seems all good to me. You have a friend and you get to have sex with them without complications of love and partnership... *meh* go for it and just enjoy. It will change when it changes and unless your feelings change before that time I don't see why you would have to even dwell on what you are doing.

Congrats on the new body to explore. I remember exploring PN after a 10 year break from men... There are just different ways for doing it, but it all ends up the same... the journey to orgasm or someone else's is just different. Each erotic and exciting and fun,,, just different.:p
 
Magdlyn,

Can I be you when I grow up?
Magdlyn said:
I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.
Mags does have a way with words, doesn't she? :D
 
I have a great fwb. We've been hanging out for over a year now, he's a great guy and we have good chemistry, but neither of us are willing to make the necessary concessions to mesh our lives together beyond one night a week or so. We had the talk confronting that this isn't a forever thing and it's not going to the next level, which was sad, but the sadness came from acknowledging that one day I'll lose something that has brought me a lot of happiness. I'm glad I didn't walk out of that conversation with a boyfriend. And I think that's how I know that we're doing right by each other.
 
FWB con't

I have a great fwb. We had the talk confronting that this isn't a forever thing and it's not going to the next level, which was sad, but the sadness came from acknowledging that one day I'll lose something that has brought me a lot of happiness. I'm glad I didn't walk out of that conversation with a boyfriend. And I think that's how I know that we're doing right by each other.

I too will be sad when my FWB relationship becomes a 'mere' friendship for the same reasons you note - 'something that has brought me a lot of happiness'.
 
hmmmm..I understand you see the FWB ending in mere friendship. But why does that have to end, or is it just in this case?

An FWB...can be something truly intimate and long term. Its range is pretty massive and its meaning can be pretty vague.

I read a lot, and take this as conjecture as I suck at fluidity...relationships can be very fluid, especially in poly. The slide in an out and move around the core context of love between people. I find it fascinating and an FWB can fit in there as well (obviously if there is love with an FWB...)

anyways, just my babbling and musing. I find it an interesting topic. Especially considering how many people have so many different definitions of what an FWB is.

I guess the short of it, in poly, why do you need to ever lose the FWB...unless of course the FWB is mono?

As for handling term limited relationships. Well, in my experience. I suck at them. I have a hard time entering into relationships when I can see an end. I end up focusing too much on the end and not having fun. In my case, I can learn,..I have before and I am not, but I am not sure I would care to enter into a term limited relationship. It is one of the few relationship styles I might just avoid haha..

to put that into perspective, I used to say the same about long distance too. Apparently I am not good at holding to my own rules anyways.
 
hmmmm..I understand you see the FWB ending in mere friendship. But why does that have to end, or is it just in this case?

I suppose it's possible for a FWB arrangement to be long-term or lifelong. The one I'm currently involved in is the longest I've experienced. He's indicated to me that if he were in a Relationship, it would be mono (although he doesn't like being in Relationships and isn't seeking one out). That, and considering that our social circles and activities don't overlap well, even in the best of circumstances I don't really see us maintaining an active friendship after we stop having sex with each other, even if we do end it on good terms.
 
Back
Top